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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I knew when I started working again, I’d end up doing it all

197 replies

Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:17

Worked full time since university until I had my Dd, later in life (infertility, not by choice)
I was then a Sahm mum until Dd started Pre school part time (I did all good shopping, meaning, cooking, bills, organisation etc) Dh went to work Mon-Fri 8.30-5
I’ve now started working part time, 3 days when Dd is at Pre school and one day at weekends
I feel like I’m running around doing everything.
An example of this weekend

Saturday

Dd ill, so Dh sat cuddled up on the sofa watching tv
I went to do the food shop (three different shops due to needing different things)
I went to get materials for a dressing up competition for Dd at school, came back and spent 3 hours painting parts of her costume (Dh drew them out)
I then tidied up the mess they’d made from the morning and not washed up
I made a curry, Dh thanked me but left washing up in sink
This morning I got up with Dd, did her breakfast, went out to work, got food from the shop on the way back.
Came home, toys everywhere, bin not taken out (I’m forever putting a bin bag on top of the bin to show-CHANGE THE BIN as sick of doing it myself. When I get home, Dh goes out saying he’s going to the shop-still not back an hour later. I’m finishing Dds costume, have put out the money and payment codes for Dh to do tomorrow (I have to organise them all) then I’m doing valentines cupcakes and craft with dd (won’t be able to do on Tuesday)
Ive put our the food I bought for dinner on the top..will he come home and make dinner?! Let’s see
Aibu to feel this is taking the piss?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:18

*Food

OP posts:
Original poster
Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:20

Oh and I pick up the dog poo in the garden daily, know it won’t have been done by dh, so they’ll be two days worth, well three by tomorrow that need to be picked up.
The difference is when I’m at *Home with Dd, I’m cleaning, tidying, cooking, doing activities, taking her out etc. When he’s here, he’s making her food and sitting around, playing with her

OP posts:
mbosnz · 12/02/2023 14:20

He's taking the piss.

To be fair, he's most probably working on automatic - this has been how things have been for quite some time, he's not engaging brain to realise, actually, things have changed, and he needs to change.

Kick him (metaphorically speaking) up the bum, tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to start actively functioning in the household, because he no longer has a full time domestic appliance operating all the domestic machinery.

Original poster
Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:21

*Cleaning, not meaning

OP posts:
Original poster
Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:26

@mbosnz Yep, totally.

I told him when I got the new job, that things would be different, yes it would be good to have more money coming in, but that he’d need to do more etc
It’s the fact I have to say/hint for him to do things, leave bin bags and dog poo bags out etc, he doesn’t seem to see the things that need to be done.
It’s only been a couple of weeks and I honestly feel like I’ve been run ragged (is that the saying?) Dd has been ill too and not sleeping at night, now he’s out, but I haven’t been out for fun, the only time I’ve been out is to go to work or get food shopping or things for Dd

OP posts:
thinkfast · 12/02/2023 14:27

It sounds a bit like he's taking the piss, a bit like poor communication, and a bit like you've taken too much on.

If he's at home with DD all day, you shouldn't come home to a house strewn with toys, that's not on. He needs to do tidy up time with DD.

If DH left bin bags on the bin, I would assume he was about to change the bin. I therefore wouldn't change it, unless he asked me to do it.

If you're making handmade costumes and baking valentines treats with DD, that sounds like you've chosen to do that because you enjoy spending time with DD in that way. If you don't enjoy it, don't take those extra activities on yourself. Just get a costume from Amazon (if ones needed), skip the baking and sit down with a cuppa.

considerablycuntierthanyou · 12/02/2023 14:30

You're doing loads of extras for a child who is (a) small and (b) ill, is it worth it?

The other stuff, yanbu. He is a parent and co-manager of your household, he needs to step up.

BeautifulWar · 12/02/2023 14:30

It sounds a bit like he's taking the piss, a bit like poor communication, and a bit like you've taken too much on.

If he's at home with DD all day, you shouldn't come home to a house strewn with toys, that's not on. He needs to do tidy up time with DD.

If DH left bin bags on the bin, I would assume he was about to change the bin. I therefore wouldn't change it, unless he asked me to do it.

If you're making handmade costumes and baking valentines treats with DD, that sounds like you've chosen to do that because you enjoy spending time with DD in that way. If you don't enjoy it, don't take those extra activities on yourself. Just get a costume from Amazon (if ones needed), skip the baking and sit down with a cuppa.

I second all of this!

Original poster
Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:33

@thinkfast I’ve chosen to do the valentines activities with Dd as enjoy it and have always done them. The costume I like planning for, bought all the materials etc, but I did say to Dh he needs to help with her costume as I don’t have time to do it all, he’s barely done anything. I don’t mind doing those things…*But he now needs to do some food shopping, bills, some dinners etc..I’m not doing it all.
Putting the bin liner on top of the bin is my way of saying to him to do it, and he then does, but why can’t he just see, oh the bins full, I’ll change it? I mean sometimes, items are literally almost falling out
Same with dog poo, just do a daily check of the garden.
I feel like my head is just full of lists and organisation all the time, even down to the small stuff of remembering to get and getting washing up liquid or milk etc etc, so bored of it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:36

@considerablycuntierthanyou I’m happy to do the extra bits with Dd, but not doing all the other stuff too..I suppose I’ve been used to doing it all with her but feel like I’ve not as much time and feel a bit guilty as I’m not doing planning outside of work for work too. I just want him to step up with household things and the organisation now

OP posts:
LadyHarmby · 12/02/2023 14:39

I’m not being rude but some of this seems poor planning. You went to three different food shops yesterday? And then another one today? How come?

And now DH has gone to the shop - what sort of shop is that?

Original poster
Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:39

And if he leaves his coffee cups under the sofa one more time I may commit murder

OP posts:
mbosnz · 12/02/2023 14:41

I'm in the same boat. I tried a job before, and when DH said that 'oh, but we'd got it sorted' (before I had a major breakdown and work was no more), what he didn't realise he meant was that I'd figured out how to do it all plus a full time job. And that it helped break me.

So now I've a part time job, and I'm still wondering - how the ever loving fuck does nobody else realise that 1. The bins are full, and 2. That it doesn't take a Mummy Vagina to change the bin bag?!

Partyandbullshit · 12/02/2023 14:41

Your DH needs to get with it, definitely. Talk to him, be clear and say what you, the house and the family needs from him.

OTOH, if you do the valentines stuff because you enjoy it - well, that’s your downtime there. Your hobby. You can’t have it both ways, saying you get no downtime after you’ve done your leisure stuff. You only work part time, too. Your DH is definitely delinquent, but I think you have to sort out your own ideas too.

mbosnz · 12/02/2023 14:42

Leg of lamb and a patio.

Oblomov23 · 12/02/2023 14:42

You need to talk to Dh about doing more, bins, an evening meal.

But agree with pp, some of this is unnecessary. 3 shops then another food shop the next day is overkill. You need to food plan better. 3 hours on a outfit is overkill. I too made costumes and swords and shields for primary, but it took very little time.

Flowerfairy101 · 12/02/2023 14:44

My DP is a bit like this, very similar in that if he's looking after DD he just sits about occasionally playing, mainly on his phone which means she tears the whole house apart, he then just leaves the floors strewn with toys and stuff out of cupboards whereas I tend to tidy up with her as I go and will also do things like clean whilst she's busy. He also doesn't 'see' things like full bins, margarine has run out etc. Contemplating going it alone as my life wouldn't change that much and it'd be one less person to tidy up after and less resentment. I also work part time in a really demanding job but am apparently also expected to keep mental track of absolutely everything to do with DD and running our home. Meh. You have my sympathies.

WeeOrcadian · 12/02/2023 14:45

I understand that it isn't the main point here - but you went to THREE different shops and then another the day after? A smaller part of this is poor planning. But you're taking stuff on that you don't need to. And he's massively taking the piss. Sit him down when you're both calm, and lay out what you want him to do, you're one person and you shouldn't have to do it all.

Binfluencer · 12/02/2023 14:45

He's taking the piss but you need to dial out all the costume making/unnecessary crap.

Kids won't remember or care

minipie · 12/02/2023 14:46

Mental load. If you come up with a solution please let me (and womankind generally) know the answer.

DownInTheDumpster · 12/02/2023 14:50

I think it’s a mix of you having high expectations and wanting to do a lot of home made/work and effort intensive stuff and him being lazy.
If you sit down with him and actually allocate out the workload (fully appreciate this is another task I’ll and you arguably shouldn’t have to but clearly bad habits have been formed) would he likely to do it?
DH can be similar- very child focussed and would argue ‘well I’ve picked them up, done craft, made dinner etc’ thinking the mess will magically disappear. I’ve set expectations- I’d really like to come home from work to a clean house the same way he does when I pick the kids up, he needs to pull his weight and tbh he has upped his game and now it’s the norm.
I agree that if everyone’s knackered and DC is ill sometimes you need to just sack off carefully made plans and buy a tray of ready made cupcakes, buy an outfit from Asda and snuggle up and have a chill instead!

Original poster
Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:51

It’s generally not 3 shops, but I had normal food, things for valentines baking that they didn’t have in one shop and then the crafts/costume materials etc.
Stopped by after work today to get salmon as all the chicken was eaten for lunch (Dh texted me)
He went to the *Shop to get cigarettes, so only something for himself (tbf if I’d asked for things we need, he’d get them, but also needs to look too at things we need/have ran out of!)
He’s still not back, so is getting a break away from the house!

OP posts:
Intrepidescape · 12/02/2023 14:51

You only work part-time....

Hire a cleaner. Leave him alone.

nutbrownhare15 · 12/02/2023 14:53

There's a book called Fair Play which might be useful in sorting this out

cosmiccosmos · 12/02/2023 14:54

There's 3 things - household tasks, dc essentials such as bed time, okay etc and nice to have things.

Firstly the costume thing is a 'nice to have' imo and your choice. When you have children and work something has to give. I always took the line that my dc would never win so I did the easiest/minimum that looked good.

Household tasks need to be shared. I would be saying you need to discuss these and getting him to tell you what needs to be done. I think you are working 4 days though? So expect him to think that you should do everything on your day off. Basically you need to do essentials, like picking up dog poo, washing you and dc clothes and leaving his. Have food at work, don't prep or no plan dinner and breezily do nothing when you get in. When he asks 'what's for dinner' then laugh and say 'ha I was just going to ask you the same thing!'.

I have to say though that threads like yours appear all the time. Posters come along and give advice however I slways get the feeling that really the OP is just a rant and they end up doing nothing. So If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got. Would YOU change if someone did everything for YOU?