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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I knew when I started working again, I’d end up doing it all

197 replies

Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:17

Worked full time since university until I had my Dd, later in life (infertility, not by choice)
I was then a Sahm mum until Dd started Pre school part time (I did all good shopping, meaning, cooking, bills, organisation etc) Dh went to work Mon-Fri 8.30-5
I’ve now started working part time, 3 days when Dd is at Pre school and one day at weekends
I feel like I’m running around doing everything.
An example of this weekend

Saturday

Dd ill, so Dh sat cuddled up on the sofa watching tv
I went to do the food shop (three different shops due to needing different things)
I went to get materials for a dressing up competition for Dd at school, came back and spent 3 hours painting parts of her costume (Dh drew them out)
I then tidied up the mess they’d made from the morning and not washed up
I made a curry, Dh thanked me but left washing up in sink
This morning I got up with Dd, did her breakfast, went out to work, got food from the shop on the way back.
Came home, toys everywhere, bin not taken out (I’m forever putting a bin bag on top of the bin to show-CHANGE THE BIN as sick of doing it myself. When I get home, Dh goes out saying he’s going to the shop-still not back an hour later. I’m finishing Dds costume, have put out the money and payment codes for Dh to do tomorrow (I have to organise them all) then I’m doing valentines cupcakes and craft with dd (won’t be able to do on Tuesday)
Ive put our the food I bought for dinner on the top..will he come home and make dinner?! Let’s see
Aibu to feel this is taking the piss?!

OP posts:
turrrniiipz · 12/02/2023 14:54

He is clearly being a bit shit/lazy/thoughtless, whatever is it. He needs to pull his weight and do more around the house.

But there is an element of disorganisation that you both need to address

Why all the different shops?

I do one grocery shop a week online and have it delivered. Food, toiletries, cleaning products, nappies, everything. Then we nip to the corner shop for a top up of bread and milk once or twice during the week.

Is the few pounds you might save going here there and everywhere actually worth the hassle?

Why not do the shopping on one of your weekdays off instead of weekend?

You both need to agree on specific household stuff that you'll take responsibility for and tell him straight you're not willing to do everything anymore.

BeanCounterBabe · 12/02/2023 14:55

You’re nuts to go to additional shops to get supplies for valentines baking (WTF?) and a costume for a pre-schooler. Unless you enjoy it in which case you can’t really complain about. You need to meet your DH in the middle, he does more and you do less of the unnecessary wifework.

bumpytrumpy · 12/02/2023 14:56

I think you're still adjusting to being back at work. As a general rule, those kids with homemade costumes requiring such parental input are not the ones with 2 working parents.

However, that's not to say that you're ambitions aren't valid and DH should be pulling his weight. But you need to talk to him and prioritise the important stuff - he might think costume is a total waste of time and that's his right to opt out. Washing up & cooking however isn't optional.

Pandagirl10 · 12/02/2023 14:56

Some people just don’t see jobs that need doing (possibly on purpose - I don’t know in your case). The way I’ve got round this is a magnetic white board on the fridge - I jot down jobs that need doing (take recycling out, empty bins, get more washing going etc etc) - and they get done, as DP looks on the list.
should I have to do that? No, ideally not. Am I a lot less stressed because I have made some notes and he’s done the jobs? Definitely!!

PousseyNotMoira · 12/02/2023 14:57

Are you saying any of this to him? As it doesn’t sound like it. When you’re running yourself ragged and he’s sat doing nothing, why aren’t you saying anything?!

Persipan · 12/02/2023 15:00

I totally agree that in a household with two adults, there should be a fair division of labour. That's definitely something to work on with your partner.

But - and I say this as a single parent working full-time, so I promise you I get it in terms of the amount of stuff needing to be done - you also need to (collectively) optimise some of what you've talked about here. You really don't need to go to three different shops. You don't need to go to any! Book a delivery, they're bloody brilliant! And, the crafts and baking and costume making, I love those too, but they're time-consuming and they are a leisure activity, and definitely not a necessity. Simplify them as much as you can, if you really want to do them; and maybe reflect on whether that kind of leisure activity works for your life right now.

LadyHarmby · 12/02/2023 15:02

I think you’re making too much work for yourself. Valentines baking and a homemade costume for a preschooler? She won’t remember or care that you went to such effort.

If you enjoy it, that’s fine but that means you can’t moan about it. Sorry, those are the rules!

Dogcafedreamer · 12/02/2023 15:13

Stop being such a martyr, no one needs to visit four food shops in two days.

Either do online shopping or visit one shop.

Give him a list of jobs, let him get on with them.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 12/02/2023 15:20

Sort out an online shop, let your daughter make her own costume chore rota there you go sorted. It will take more than two weeks to get into a new routine. Walk the dog so it doesn't look in the garden because that's disgusting. You need to be explicit. Like p!ease put the bin out and change the bag. Washings done load the dryer please. Fetch the laundry, can you put the shopping away pls, load the dishwasher etc. Men are not mind readers and they don't care about this stuff so need telling .

Greensleevevssnotnose · 12/02/2023 15:21

Poo in the garden

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/02/2023 15:29

Have you actually sat down with him and said 'look, here's a list I made, I do these 30 jobs a week, it takes 10 hours and I work 30 hours. These are the 5 jobs you do, but only when you've left them so late that I need to remind you which I hate, as it puts the responsibility of remembering back on me and makes me feel like a nag
You work 35 hours. So overall you have x hours more leisure time than me. It doesnt feel fair and it's going to lead to me feeling resentful. How can we make things more fair and make it so we have more equal leisure time, and I don't feel like the whole responsibility for remembering/ delegating tasks is on me?'

I have to say though you are also coming accross as a bit of a martyr. If you work and you can afford it and you feel overwhelmed you HAVE to pay for things that don't seem good value, to make your life easier, and you HAVE to let some school stuff go. So online shopping. Bought in cakes and let your daughter decorate them with icing and sprinkles. Buy in a costume. Anything you need delivered last minute you get in. You've spent your weekend shopping, and doing craft things that you don't seem to have time for. That's not going to help when you feel busy

AnneElliott · 12/02/2023 15:32

I feel your pain op. It was the same when my DS was small - and I was the higher earner! But expected to sort everything out.

My advice is stop doing his washing, stop doing or reminding him of anything relating to his family and fully let him sort out any fuck ups are of his own making.

Slimjimtobe · 12/02/2023 15:34

A lot of this is him being really lazy but I am sorry to say you are making a rod for your own back here

online Shop and let dh do something while you go out for an hour and chill ! Don’t be a martyr

kitcat15 · 12/02/2023 15:42

Whay are you food shopping on a Saturday and then food shopping again on a Sunday? Need to work smarter OP

kitcat15 · 12/02/2023 15:44

PousseyNotMoira · 12/02/2023 14:57

Are you saying any of this to him? As it doesn’t sound like it. When you’re running yourself ragged and he’s sat doing nothing, why aren’t you saying anything?!

Cause he would probably tell her she’s an idiot for going to 4 food shops over 2 days at the weekend🙄

Grizzledstrawberry · 12/02/2023 15:46

Literally stop doing it all, he only gets away with it because you allow it.

I'm a sahm and even my partner does more than that, probably because I made it clear from the off I'm not his maid or his replacement mummy.

LeapingCat · 12/02/2023 15:50

I think you both need some adjustments. He needs to realise that if he wants the extra money from you working then he has to take on more household tasks. You need to realise that once you’re working some stuff isn’t essential. Spending hours making a costume for nursery is completely unnecessary, so if you want to do that then those four hours don’t somehow count as essential household tasks. That’s a hobby. Same as Valentine’s baking, which you’re almost certainly the only person in the house who cares about it.

Book a once a week supermarket delivery, get a cleaner, abandon any thoughts of martyrdom and tell your DH to contribute properly.

Therealjudgejudy · 12/02/2023 15:51

Why don't you tell him to start sharing the work load? You both live there, and last time you checked, you were not his servant

dogattacktoday · 12/02/2023 15:51

Why can't you just shop online?

MeridianB · 12/02/2023 15:52

What would he say if he saw your OP? Would it all come as a surprise?

Does he simply not engage his brain and eyes and get things done or has he always been lazy?

YADNBU!

And as it’s your choice to invest a lot of time in DD’s costume, I suspect he views that as your down time, rather than a task.

rwalker · 12/02/2023 15:52

you Haven’t adapted your routine to new hours
you need to be organised work out new routine and who does what

also different people have different standards you say about him leaving coffee cup under sofa
is he leaving that excepting you to move it or he doesn’t care and doesn’t see the problem

latetothefisting · 12/02/2023 15:52

Yes sounds like he is taking the piss a bit but also agree with @thinkfast that a lot of what you're doing sounds either unnecessary or you're doing because YOU want to. Yes spending time with dd is nice but realistically if you want to make her a really fancy dressing up outfit rather than chucking on her football kit or princess dress that's for you, as are all the valentines baking and crafts.

Between you you needed to go out to the shops 3x (and to 5 different shops) in a 24 hour period. You're sitting there annoyed because he's gone out for a break and hasn't come back but he could just as equally have posted the same about you yesterday (dd is ill so I'm stuck at home with her on the couch -dw said she was just popping to the shops but she's still not back because she needs to go to 3 different shops to get baking stuff, food, arts and crafts stuff aibu to think none of this is necessary...)

Stuff like the curry just tell him! When he says thanks for cooking say no problem, you OK to clean up?

Doodar · 12/02/2023 15:55

you both sound really disorganised and doing needless faff, 3 hours for a bloody costume? get a list of jobs and divvy them up, or get a cleaner.

Davepartyof3 · 12/02/2023 15:57

Sounds like a combination of DH not being proactive or reasonable (he should definitely have done the washing up!) and also you having really high standards. I work part time and have never made my children’s costumes. I just do not have the time. So I’d suggest pulling him up on things that really matter and also dealing down on super mum.

Davepartyof3 · 12/02/2023 15:57

^dialing back