I knew when I started working again, I’d end up doing it all

[Undernorthernskies]

Worked full time since university until I had my Dd, later in life (infertility, not by choice)
I was then a Sahm mum until Dd started Pre school part time (I did all good shopping, meaning, cooking, bills, organisation etc) Dh went to work Mon-Fri 8.30-5
I’ve now started working part time, 3 days when Dd is at Pre school and one day at weekends
I feel like I’m running around doing everything.
An example of this weekend

Saturday

Dd ill, so Dh sat cuddled up on the sofa watching tv
I went to do the food shop (three different shops due to needing different things)
I went to get materials for a dressing up competition for Dd at school, came back and spent 3 hours painting parts of her costume (Dh drew them out)
I then tidied up the mess they’d made from the morning and not washed up
I made a curry, Dh thanked me but left washing up in sink
This morning I got up with Dd, did her breakfast, went out to work, got food from the shop on the way back.
Came home, toys everywhere, bin not taken out (I’m forever putting a bin bag on top of the bin to show-CHANGE THE BIN as sick of doing it myself. When I get home, Dh goes out saying he’s going to the shop-still not back an hour later. I’m finishing Dds costume, have put out the money and payment codes for Dh to do tomorrow (I have to organise them all) then I’m doing valentines cupcakes and craft with dd (won’t be able to do on Tuesday)
Ive put our the food I bought for dinner on the top..will he come home and make dinner?! Let’s see
Aibu to feel this is taking the piss?!

This sounds a lot like mansplaining to me. I mean, who would think that the vaaaaast majority of users on a website called Mumsnet haven’t figured this out for themselves by the time they’ve been with a male or female partner for, oooooh, maybe 6 months? Sheesh 🙄

Take a packet of cakes in that have been bought from Tesco

Come up with an outfit that is already in your wardrobes.

Most mums don’t have the time or money to go out and buy stuff for a dressing up day.
I have 2 dc. I can’t sew and I can’t cook anything other than ready meals , frozen veg and oven chips. (Even then it will probably end up burned) Certainly can’t bake a cup cake.
Took a packet of cakes in to school each time.

Like everyone else (apart from that one mother) we got by with as little glueing or sewing as possible from what was already in the dressing up box or the wardrobes

If you want Dh to do things then you have to tell him.
Stop hinting because Dh doesn’t have a clue what you are doing.

Tbh it's a man thing if I didn't ask hubby he probably wouldn't think twice. So I was upset about it last year as we have 3 babies and discussed it and every morning he gives me a hug and ask what needs done for the day..I will specifically give him 3 or 4 jobs like do washing,hoover house,clean up after dog of whatever and it's been all done since last August so in fairness he listened. If he's on a long work day I don't ask anything other than help with the babies but since we talked he also I noticed seems more aware and things like bathroom being cleaned and tea made etc have all started recently which I really appreciate now. So maybe a good honest chat how you feel might work for yous aswell.

You remind me of me a bit OP😊
I work part time but have expectations cos myself as if I’m a stay at home mum. I volunteer for things at school, let them have regular play dates, bake, play with them, make elaborate plans for half terms (all free/cheap) that involve special picnics, finding new/interesting places to visit etc, do themed crafts (Valentines etc), plan events at our house (Easter egg hunt), make a big fuss of birthdays etc! I realise how twee that all sounds and i
dont use social media much so only me and my husband know the extent of my obsession!

I can drive my husband mad because he says I choose to do all these things but then get tired/overwhelmed with work and the house on top. I’ve had to readjust how I think about things. Somethings are parenting but I accept somethings I make hard work because I enjoy them. He’s also had to start doing more but we try and review how things are going.

Finally, I take try plan ahead so buy in bulk, batch cook, clean little and often etc. I’ve also learnt i need my children to value me as they see me be so available and they need to realise I need time for me as well (or I need to realise!)

Whilst he's a grown man he's got use to you doing it all . You need to say - are you alright to do the pots? If he says no (unless there's a good reason) you have a problem. Make it a routine on days your working and weekends one cooks and one cleans. On weekends if you tidy say to him - That wash needs chucking in, can you do that while I tidy up? Make it the norm that it's a joint effort.

Your husband is the main problem, but the costume-and-cupcake faffery is strictly for the time-rich.

Why are you hinting and leaving bags on the bin and so on?
Just tell him that he needs to do these tasks. He's got used to you managing everything so now it's all your responsibility. You need to outsource certain tasks to him. Including the management of them.
Set up a meeting and discuss how this is going to work.

I think sometimes you have to specifically ask them to do the job you are thinking of. My DH wouldn’t think about half the stuff that needs doing unless I pointed it out.
That probably sounds terribly sad but in our house it’s just the way we get things done!

I'm now a carer to my SEND kids after giving up work and my husband works full time but over 4 days so 4 long days.

The thing that helps ime is having set jobs that are needing done very regularly and assigning them to an adult. In my house I do all the cooking so the rule is he has to clean up after dinner. He's in charge of the bins all the time including putting big bins out. He also does any garden related work and DIY. He puts away his own laundry. I obviously have more time at home so I have more jobs and it works for us that way but it took a lot of tweaking and time to get to a stage that works. You have only returned to work a few weeks ago so it will take time and you need to speak up. You are adapting to work but he's adapting to not always having someone at home running the house. But he won't adapt unless you actually speak to him about jobs that need done and how they need to be divided.
Do your shopping online weekly then you only need top ups during the week of bread/milk/perishables.
Don't make such elaborate costumes or just buy one, only bake when you actually have time to but you can't use that against your husband cus you are doing it for fun.
I'm at home and even I wouldn't make my kiss costumes or bake valentines cupcakes lol

Clear communication is missing in this situation. He needs to start being a full partner and adult in all home based tasks and this includes while he’s looking after DD, not creating a mess for you to clean.
You are equally responsible for all tasks and he’s getting away with making you the manager so that he doesn’t have to do anything unless told. You need to talk and explain everything that you’re feel g and how you want it to change / be going forward.

Also, you will need to make a choice between sanity and lots of crafts and baking or you will be stretched too thin. Things have to change when you go back to work, it doesn’t mean you love DD any less or are any less of a mum. And if you are choosing complex additional things then you can’t impose that on OH imo because it’s a choice, not part of the daily chores and as such he should get a choice to opt in or out.

Write a list? I too have the same issue in terms of 'hints' like leaving bin bags out or food on the side - they just don't get noticed. We have a list in the kitchen of things that really 'need' to be done each day and it's then much easier to say, oh I'm popping to the shop or whatever can you get a couple of things done off the list while I'm out... No conflict then. It's a list of jobs you both need to get done between you and so much easier to communicate about things not getting done in that way

Not acceptable in my book - we literally had to sit down and write down every single chore and who would do it when we had our first child because all we did was argue about the house.

We did lower our standards an awful lot too.

So we allocate all the jobs and stick to it. I think the worst thing is expecting the other to do something off their own initiative, it never works.

And by everything I mean everything lol we wrote down like "get baby dressed" " breakfast" "lunch" dinner "empty dishwasher" "turn dishwasher on". It sounds ridiculous but we wrote it on a post it each and I think he could then visualise how much I'm taking on as I literally had 50 post it's while he had "bins" 😂

We've tweaked it a few times with returning to work, an extra child, but it's been a godsend.

It's still uneven obviously because I'm an idiot but hey ho, it's manageable for me.

You need to talk to him. Men sometimes need specific instructions, they're wired up differently to us. Leave him a daily tick list? Also, why is your dog pooing in the garden & not when out on a walk?

they're wired up differently to us.

The fuck they are.

We will never achieve equality as long as we believe this nonsense.

You are telling this woman to take on the job of managing a fully grown adult who has presumably lived in a house all his useless, lazy life.

More work for the woman. Still no engagement of the brain for the man on the home front.

Their brains are perfectly well able to engage in tasks they are paid for.

This is the useless men generation, they're so used to their mom doing everything for them and then their wife doing the same. They have zero basic life skills. I honestly think this will only ease up the next generation where we actually teach our sons to be self sufficient like our daughters. These "men" have no clue and its frustrating. I have seen or heard of only a handful (if that) of grown men who have their head screwed on when it comes to basic life skills like this.

Holy fuck. Men are not wired different though you could argue they are socially conditioned to think the domestic sphere is all a woman's work.

I agree they need to talk - but to agree together what needs doing and who will do it. Not a list of to dos further infantilising them.

@Undernorthernskies don’t tell us! tell him! my husband is like this (probs worse to be honest!) but I refuse to do anything further and give a very unfiltered talking to until it improves. It’s a shit life tbh but it’s either that or divorce (i can’t afford)
You are enabling his behaviour by continuing to do everything when he doesn’t!

He isn't pulling his weight. Why are you letting him get away with it? Why are you doing everything instead of, for example, giving him a shopping list and telling him to go get it? Or asking him what he's going to cook for dinner tonight?

And the rule when cooking is always 'when one person cooks, the other does the dishes'. Let him know.

What does he do?

I understand he works 5 and you work 4 so he obviously expects you to do all the cleaning on that 1 day.

I wouldn’t go full time to 5 if you’ve already had enough with his laziness when you’re working 4 days.

He needs a kick up the arse or a divorce!

Have you actually told him how you feel?
if you haven’t how’s he supposed to know? Men aren’t as switched on as they like to think they are; you need to tell him you need a bit more of his help he might shock you & turn into tge next Gordon Ramsey😂😂

My husband works full time, I work part time. We have three kids and he knows he needs to help or it will all fall apart because I can't and won't do it all. And if I'm not happy, his life won't be either! 😅

Things that work for us:

1. Hubby is not a great cook so always makes breakfast (which he has perfected) and tries to cook dinner at least once a week (something basic that he's practised). He also pays for takeout a couple of times per week. This gives me a break from dealing with cooking every single day.

1. He pays for a cleaner to come for 3 - 4 hours every fortnight to make up for the fact that he doesn't have much time to help me with cleaning.

1. Every evening, he loads the dishwasher, wipes down surfaces, takes the bin out and hoovers the ground floor when I take the kids up to bed.

1. He deals with his own laundry (he insisted on this) while I deal with the kids and mine. He also does most of the ironing as I'm pretty rubbish at it and keep burning clothes 🤣.

1. We have an 11 year old, a 5 year old and a 1 year old. He is in charge of bathing the 5 year old when he's around, and I always do baby's bath.

He likes to know exactly what I need him to do and get on with those things. My husband needs something to become a part of his routine and isn't good at looking at what needs doing and judging for himself. Maybe give your partner a list of things that are his responsibility?

There is a lot of stuff here you don’t need to do. Have your food shopping delivered, Amazon for kids bits and pieces (or the whole costume !) When you add up cost in time and fuel it makes sense. Let go of this stuff. Do what your DH does, play with your dd, eat, stuff cups under the sofa. Life’s Too Short.

Stop the passive aggressive hinting.

Sit down together and discuss like adults. Not angrily but as a partnership. Discuss what will make things easier for you as a family and what you are finding difficult/what he is finding difficult.

Either divide up jobs or agree together the basics that have to be done by both eg clearing up after eating, cooking, activities with DD etc. Discuss why you are finding it hard now you are working, how money helps so worth sorting out etc

I read this article called “my wife divorced me for leaving dishes by the sink” www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10645457/My-wife-divorced-leaving-dirty-glasses-sink-right.html. I totally got it, it’s not about whether what you need is important, it’s the feeling that to your partner it doesn’t matter how you feel about their disrespect of your choices. Good luck.

LOL