I knew when I started working again, I’d end up doing it all

[Undernorthernskies]

Worked full time since university until I had my Dd, later in life (infertility, not by choice)
I was then a Sahm mum until Dd started Pre school part time (I did all good shopping, meaning, cooking, bills, organisation etc) Dh went to work Mon-Fri 8.30-5
I’ve now started working part time, 3 days when Dd is at Pre school and one day at weekends
I feel like I’m running around doing everything.
An example of this weekend

Saturday

Dd ill, so Dh sat cuddled up on the sofa watching tv
I went to do the food shop (three different shops due to needing different things)
I went to get materials for a dressing up competition for Dd at school, came back and spent 3 hours painting parts of her costume (Dh drew them out)
I then tidied up the mess they’d made from the morning and not washed up
I made a curry, Dh thanked me but left washing up in sink
This morning I got up with Dd, did her breakfast, went out to work, got food from the shop on the way back.
Came home, toys everywhere, bin not taken out (I’m forever putting a bin bag on top of the bin to show-CHANGE THE BIN as sick of doing it myself. When I get home, Dh goes out saying he’s going to the shop-still not back an hour later. I’m finishing Dds costume, have put out the money and payment codes for Dh to do tomorrow (I have to organise them all) then I’m doing valentines cupcakes and craft with dd (won’t be able to do on Tuesday)
Ive put our the food I bought for dinner on the top..will he come home and make dinner?! Let’s see
Aibu to feel this is taking the piss?!

Baking Valentine's cupcakes? With a pre-schooler (or any child, tbh)?

I have had to make a stand before now over housework but you need to be clear with what you want. Which days are his responsibility to cook dinner. Does one cook and one wash up? Plan meals for the week together one eve and do an online shop or take it in turns to do it. Make clear plans together about how to get stuff done. And don't be a martyr. We are behind on washing as my dh hasn't done much this w/e but I will just wait till he does it as its his responsibility at the moment.

This reminds me of living with a teenager. Treat him like one.
DH your responsibilities today are Pick up dog poo. Empty bin. Clean kitchen. wash all dishes.
If he doesn’t do his list don’t do anything on it, just give him the list again the next day plus that day’s list of jobs.

So - the 3 shops was for the valentines/costume/baking activities - that you want to do. That's leisure activity. So take that off the list. And he's been stuck in with a poorly DD today, whilst you work, and yesterday whilst you did your shopping for your projects so I don't think its reasonable either to be moaning about him nipping to the shops for an hour.

Your DH 100% needs to wash up and tidy up after himself - absolutely, and to split household tasks more fairly. But the passive-aggressive hints (binbags, ingredients) at what he could do are going to go unnoticed and only wind you up when he doesn't take them. You need to sit down each week and look at what's going on, who is going to do what, who's making dinner which night etc.

Talk to him, if it's easier divide up chores and make it clear who does what. If you choose to do stuff you want to do (let's be honest your child won't be bothered really about most of these activities) then the extra work that goes into them is part of the deal. If DH started something unnecessary then wanted me to finish it off I'd find that annoying.

You’re trying to be a SAHM and a WOHM & it is impossible to do both.

Yes, he needs to do more, but you also need to manage your own expectations.

Hire a cleaner every week/other week.
Do a weekly online food shop in the same slot each week.
Buy/rent the costumes.
Decorate pre-made cakes.
Write a household list together of daily and weekly tasks so it becomes more visible for him.

These things always depend on how they are written. I started at... Yep he's a lazy bastard... But then I read again, he worked Mon to Fri, looked after his sick DD on Saturday whilst you went round 3 shops, then had his DD on Sunday when you were at work. You get two days during week to do tasks when your DD is at pre school... So debatable. You both sound busy, but you make extra tasks for yourself.

For my two pence worth it’s. Bit of both. Yes your partner needs to do more but you also need to adjust your expectations of what you can achieve alongside working. It won’t be the same as before.

There’s a lot that’s been said about women taking on the mental load of house and parenting which is very true. Your husband has had several years getting used to you doing that. He’s going to need to train himself to think differently too.

You need to sit down together and agree a list of jobs which are “his” - bin emptying, hoovering, bill paying, taking the dog out in the morning - whatever it is. One he agreed they’re “his” then you have every right to remove them from your own mental load and into his. Just expecting him to change without clarifying what those changes are will just lead to resentment as he isn’t a mind reader. Yes, we would all love others on our house (kids included) to see what needs to be done - but clear expectation guidance (eg kids put their own clean washing away) makes it easier to manage. And less responsibility on you.

His priorities are different to yours. You see the baking and making costumes as important, he sees sitting cuddling poorly daughter as important. On that I'm with him.

Emptying bins seems to be a disproportionate issue, I mean it takes about a minute.

When DH and I had different days off plus one or two together we would blitz the house on our days at home alone and then have a nice time on the days we were off together and muddle through on the days we were both at work.

Some really bad advice above, about making him lists, asking him to do this job and that job - that is taking on the mental load for him and making yourself into the 'household manager'.
Just don't go down that route, you will regret it forever. Don't take on the mental load. Don't be responsible for giving him tasks and lists.

Instead, divide up the responsibility for broad areas - e.g.:

You will do all food and meals, including planning and shopping, washing up, and a quick tidy of the kitchen afterwards.
He will do all laundry and clothes-related stuff (buying for himself and DD, sorting, getting rid of what is too small for DD, buying new pillowcases and towels when needed, changing sheets and duvets weekly - all of it)
You will do bins and dog poo
He will do all cleaning of bathrooms every other day and vacuuming the whole house weekly, including remembering to buy cleaning products.
You will do dusting weekly and general tidying every day
He will do all gardening and car maintenance.

and so on - whatever splits suit you both.

Then once the 'areas of responsibility' have been agreed in whatever way you both think is fair, you don't ever get involved in his areas. Leave him to it, even if you have to grit your teeth and sit on your hands - you must leave it to him.
Concentrate solely on your areas and forget his. If he fails, let him sort out the consequences.

Best of luck.

Apart from this weekend (when your DD is ill), you really dont have to do all the craft stuff. I haven’t and kids are thriving (not metally damaged not doing crafts) 😂They do tons at pre school. Yes theres lots of housework/laundry to do at the weekend, but I would have used the time you spent on crafts (if your DD wasn’t ill) to get out for a long walk/park trip or whatever other fun stuff you do at the weekend. We always do picnics at the weekend (in all weathers except rain obviously) so it doesn’t feel like you are in the kitchen constantly at the weekend and can you treat yourself to a takeaway/nice ready meal/pizza night on a Saturday night?

Your Husband really needs to pull his weight and lying on the sofa all morning whilst your daughter is ill with you running around is ridiculous. But you also need to not try and be Super Mum. Give yourself a break, cut corners where you can and Husband needs to help out with chores at the weekend too.

I’m happy to do the extra bits with Dd, but not doing all the other stuff too.

Your DH does sound a bit lazy but it also sounds like you like making work for yourself.

Fair enough if you like doing all the extras, like valentines cupcakes (although a bit wtf in my mind), but that’s not a chore to use as a point score against your DH.

And what’s with all the food shopping? Three different shops, wtf? Totally unnecessary. Just go to one and make do, or if it’s that annoying do an online order.

yes he’s lazy, but you could make like so much easier for both of you.

And as for the passive aggressive leaving a bin bag on top of the bin, all you are doing is demonstrating it’s in to leave things for someone else to deal with.

How about:

• you have things delivered rather than waste you time in shops
• you tell your partner he needs to pull his weight or else.

It really is that basic. Men get away with doing next to nothing because in many instance women let them get away with it.

Never baked with mine-save it for the grandparents house 😀 They do baking at most pre-schools too. I cant think of anything worse at the weekend. I’s rather go out for a yummy cake and hot chocolate!

If you like valentines baking and making costumes with your dc and choose to do it, you can't criticise him for not taking on half of that. Your discretionary choices are what is adding extra heft to your respective duties.

I always find it a bit odd why anyone would do anything "Valentine" related with a child of any age tbh

Give him a list of chores.

You misunderstood me. I agree with you. I said list but I actually meant tasks.

Obviously men should do their fair share.

However - there are a few key things we do differently to you I guess - we both work FT and kids are 3 and 7.

1. We don’t do in person food shops. Online and click and collect froM tesco. If they don’t have it - too bad. Life’s too short.
2. we don’t ever do handmade costumes. Either it’s whatever hand me downs in box, or not. We don’t have the time or energy for all this costume making.
3. we don’t do home baking and crafting. They did/do all that at nursery and school clubs. That’s enough.
4. we let them do nothing but watch telly if they are ill. Sofa and get better.

If crafting baking and costume making are your hobbies - well done on making time for all of those things this weekend!! I’d love to have the time for hobbies in a weekend when a child is ill!

I think you need to tackle the things like bins, basic jobs, keeping on top of the toys and mess with your DH. That's fair.
For you as a family- Get an online shop sorted. Split some of the school type tasks so he is responsible for something entirely and you don't need to think about it - if he messes up and your dd suffers, he needs to pick up the pieces and only then will realize he needs to be on it properly.
I would reconsider if you can scale down the crafts/costumes etc- some parents seem to set themselves up for a nightmare by committing to too much. Now you're working some of the nice to haves have to go.
If you really want your dh to step up, figure out together the essentials and what you can skimp on. Be a team by making him part of the team

In the days you are off do you have DD or is she at pre school?

YANBU in thinking he needs to pull his weight more. It won't change though unless you start being a bit more selfish. If you want to make costumes and bake biscuits then do so but only for your benefit and not for the appearance of being able to do it all because trying to keep all the plates in the air will lead to burnout and resentment as you have recently discovered.

I would start doing less, I know that might be hard to begin with. In the examples you gave, why didn't you swap with him after you came back from the shops? You sit with a cup of tea and watch TV with DD while he made the lunch?

It's fine to decide you want to (unnecessarily) make a fancy dress costume from scratch, taking up time that you could otherwise use to relax, but you can't then unilaterally decide your DH has to do half of this extra job you've created.

I'd focus on getting him to do essential chores rather than extras like this.

You need to sit down with him and dive up the jobs. Sort out which jobs you both like less and the other one does those jobs etc. If you're working 3 days out of the home and him 5 days out of the home then you do 65% and he does 35%

This is of course cooking, cleaning, washing up, bathrooms, hoovering, polishing, laundry etc

for example if your re cooking then he needs to wash up the dishes, he does laundry and you do the supermarket shopping

if you're a partnership and he doesn't get a free ride

Oh yeah and why do you have to organise the payments in order for him to make them? I would drop a few tasks, tell him he can sort it out and if it doesn't get done then it doesn't get done. He can remember next time.

Yes you probably have it down to a fine art and the household runs smoother with you at the helm but at what cost? You can keep it up and lose your mind, be ground down and resentful or step back and accept things won't be a perfect but you will have breathing space and he will also have room to step up and fill in the gaps.