I knew when I started working again, I’d end up doing it all

[Undernorthernskies]

Worked full time since university until I had my Dd, later in life (infertility, not by choice)
I was then a Sahm mum until Dd started Pre school part time (I did all good shopping, meaning, cooking, bills, organisation etc) Dh went to work Mon-Fri 8.30-5
I’ve now started working part time, 3 days when Dd is at Pre school and one day at weekends
I feel like I’m running around doing everything.
An example of this weekend

Saturday

Dd ill, so Dh sat cuddled up on the sofa watching tv
I went to do the food shop (three different shops due to needing different things)
I went to get materials for a dressing up competition for Dd at school, came back and spent 3 hours painting parts of her costume (Dh drew them out)
I then tidied up the mess they’d made from the morning and not washed up
I made a curry, Dh thanked me but left washing up in sink
This morning I got up with Dd, did her breakfast, went out to work, got food from the shop on the way back.
Came home, toys everywhere, bin not taken out (I’m forever putting a bin bag on top of the bin to show-CHANGE THE BIN as sick of doing it myself. When I get home, Dh goes out saying he’s going to the shop-still not back an hour later. I’m finishing Dds costume, have put out the money and payment codes for Dh to do tomorrow (I have to organise them all) then I’m doing valentines cupcakes and craft with dd (won’t be able to do on Tuesday)
Ive put our the food I bought for dinner on the top..will he come home and make dinner?! Let’s see
Aibu to feel this is taking the piss?!

@Dogcafedreamer Ok, no need to be so rude, thanks

That sounds torturous I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have a clue where to start. I used to think people who bought princess costumes and football shirts for world book day were lazy but now I'm a working parent myself I totally get it.

Completely ignore that.
I for one could not be arsed and as a teacher, I couldn't care less if kids come in bought or home made costumes. I'd rather have spare time to sip a glass of wine.
Yes it can be fun to do these things but not if it stresses you out, which it sounds like it is.

No need to be such a martyr thanks!

It's an adjustment and unless you communicate you want him to look about and be proactive he's unlikely to choose to change. Ask him to be responsible for seeing the bin is full and the poo is picked up and knowing the car insurance needs renewing etc then try to 'not see' those jobs. If he doesn't do them, talk about how you feel disrespected and your time isn't as valuable as his etc. Possibly get a cleaner. Talk to him and agree how the house should be at the end of the day if one of you is caring for your DD. Get a shopping list on Alexa or the fridge so it's not a chore to remember what you're run out of.

It's a bit overkill at preschool - in general agree with everyone else expectations realigned all round - your DH needs to step up, you need to cut corners and adjust to the fact you don't have as much time.

Hard hat on.

I think your problem started with that division of labour I see so often on here and in real life; that the mother on maternity leave does all of the home and family stuff because the father is going out to work.

The mother goes through a period of adaptation, from being a single adult, reponsible only to herself to a mother taking everyone's needs and schedules into account. She begins to set her own standards and likes things done a certain way. She says she'll do all the night feeds because the father needs his sleep. To begin with it might be quite a novelty, romanticised change from going out to work.

The husband's life meanwhile, remains unchanged. If anything it's become easier because he no longer is involved in things he used to do for himself, like laundry, cooking and food shopping so he has more headspace. He does some fun stuff with the baby, but when it comes to harder stuff and making big decisions like when to start weaning, the mum does it because she knows how she wants it done.

Then it comes to the mother going back to work, and the step change expected of the father is huge because he's both deskilled in what he used to do and hasn't adapted to life with a child like the mother has. He sleeps through the cries because for months, his brain has never had to listen out for it. He hasn't got a clue about half the new routines and isn't comfortable making decisions of his own about the home domain. Stuff gets done wrong or not at all. Mum fights to maintain the standards she's become used to whilst also working. Conflict ensues.

Moral of the story is to treat your partner as an equal parent from DAY ONE. He still needs to as much cleaning, shopping, cooking and general life admin when you're on maternity leave. He definitely needs to spend regular time in sole charge of the baby, even if it can only be short periods if EBFing. He needs to be involved in decisions about parenting issues, both major and minor, and his opinion needs to count for something.

I (and others) have asked multiple times if OP says all this to her husband and she hasn’t answered. So, I’m guessing that’s a ‘no’?

What did you want to do this weekend for a break that you couldn’t do @Undernorthernskies ?
Also I’m confused as to why you describe your husband being out at the shop as a break but when you go it’s hard work?

I agree with you that he needs to do more but you do sound like you’re being a martyr. I probably would have ditched the baking and costume making and had cuddles on the sofa with dd.

@PousseyNotMoira Ive said it and it’s usually started a row, sick of saying it, it changes for a few days and then is forgotten about

@Hobbitfeet32 I couldn’t really ditch it as it needed to be done for this week and I won’t have time aside from this weekend

I agree he needs to step up more and do housework/cleaning/laundy/cooking whatever you have decided on together. It's probably easier if he has responsibility for a whole area rather than bits and pieces.

On the other hand you are choosing to spend your time off from work baking, doing extra shopping and making a costume. Which of course is fine if that's what you want do to = but it's making you understandably stressed. So you need to cut back, eg. (1) one shop a week arrives on a tescos van or whatever, no more going to the shops (just repeat the order on line if you get pushed. (2) if someone needs a costume buy it (3) only bake if you have time and genuinely enjoy it as "your" activity. I've got 2 kids through to the age of 20, I've never made a costume myself and baked about 5 times in that time - it's completely unnecessary. As well as dividing the jobs up between you and having areas of responsibility make sure you evaluate what you are doing and how you choose to spend your time.

What I mean is those tasks were probably not essential. You could have bought some cakes and sent them in. Or just not done it. The consequences of not doing the baking or costumes would most likely have been insignificant. Women don’t have to do it all. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy

I work 30 hours. Do all the childcare and most of the chores!!! DH works full time so acts as if I am so lucky to have so much free time !!!
He constantly says I am part time !!! I work 7 hours less than him and do all child care and the shipping , cooking etc !
I feel your pain.

whilst on maternity he never once got up because I was off !! So even when I had covid and baby was 5 months I got up all through the night !!! I must have mug written on my head .

Im currently with PG number 2 and have made it clear I won’t be returning to work after baby ! I can’t be the child care , house slave and work 30 hours a week yet be told I am so lucky I don’t work full time.

I made this mistake. Tell him. Direct him with everything he needs to be doing, not unlike you do with DD. It's ridiculous, but that's the only way you're going to get help. Also, tell him exactly what you're doing each day, before you do it - "I'm going to work, to the shops on the way home, I'll be sorting out xyz for DD when I do get home. Will you please do abc while I do xyz. Thank you." When women used to talk about 'training' their man, they knew what they were talking about. I know it's utterly ridiculous and we shouldn't have to do it, but if you need support, you need to ask for it clearly and consistently.

Probably not the best advice but I got really passive aggressive and started assigning dh jobs via conversations with the dc.

You need to have set jobs and stick with it. There can be flex once embedded but I used to say “oh mummy sorts the food shop and meals and dad does the clothes wash so if you’re missing a sock, ask dad,”

and “oh yes, give dad the school form to fill in, he does those and I’ll make the payment transfer.”

There may also have been some “are you fucking kidding me?” Comments when I got home to a disaster zone.

I’ve worked full time for 5 years but before that was doing 30 hours for 2 years. When I made the switch to full time I put my foot down.

dh is a good guy, he just hadn’t been used to having to take on the mental load. Once I laid it out, he actually got it and is really good now.

What have you said and when? Has it been a generalised chat about ‘needing to pull his weight’ or when (for example) he was sitting on the sofa and you were running around, did you say something?

Ask/tell him.
Can you change the bin please/pick up poo/cups (insert any action here)
While you just do it and quietly seethe about it he will let you.
I have learnt this. I now ask DP to do things I want him to. He then has to choose to either do it, or say no, in which case he knows what my answer will be next time he asks me to do something he needs.

Putting the bin liner on top of the bin is my way of saying to him to do it, and he then does, but why can’t he just see, oh the bins full, I’ll change it?

Why is your way of saying to do it not actually just saying it?

And have you asked him why he needs you to say it?

And if he leaves his coffee cups under the sofa one more time I may commit murder

Have you told him how much this pisses you off? Are you picking up after him? Why?

It’s coming across like you’re buzzing about like a put upon 1950’s wife, doing a whole range of things (some necessary, some not) and seething with unexpressed resentment. Express the resentment. Use your words! You are this man’s equal, not his skivvy, so why are you so scared to speak up?

You are doing too much. When I went back to work, we got a cleaner, did the shopping online and completely forgot most of the dress up days. DH should help out more with some of the routine stuff but you do need to make life easier.

IME it’s not about dishing out individual tasks but having a permanent division of labour. Eg you cook so it’s always his job to wash up. He always takes the bins out, you always clean the bathroom and he always does the kitchen etc. Then if he doesn’t do his bit you just leave it. The bin might overflow and there might be washing up lying around for a day or two but he’ll have to do it eventually

It sounds like he looked after a sick child while you went shopping to multiple shops. Both jobs that need doing but tbh if I stayed home with the sick child I wouldn't think the other parent was doing me a favour. You got some time out to buy nice craft things.

I know how you feel but I think you have to really consider the other side.

Nice to see I’m not the only one who got this reference 😀 🐑

This is a really good explanation of how relationships become unequal after a baby. Might be painful to read, but it’s true.

Another poster mentioned saying ‘I’m going to do X, can you do Y’ which I think is a useful approach. Yes, you’re the one making the plan and giving out tasks, but at least things get done and the partner is made aware that X and Y need to be done.

As we both work, weekends are the only time to get things done, so I often do a summary of the weekend during Friday evening dinner so DH and DD
are aware of the plans for the weekend and essential tasks that need to be done. This makes it easier to split out tasks between us.

There's three elements to any task.

A) Deciding that it needs doing and assigning a priority and deadline for doing it
B) Doing it
C) Determining whether it was done well enough.

Generally, people who have control over A + B + C are pretty happy - regardless of how tiring the task is.

People who want to retain control of A and C, but expect someone else to do B, will either be sorely disappointed, or will drive the person they expect to do it away. The only way this situation works in the long term is if the person doing B is a stranger who is paid to do it.