I knew when I started working again, I’d end up doing it all

[Undernorthernskies]

Worked full time since university until I had my Dd, later in life (infertility, not by choice)
I was then a Sahm mum until Dd started Pre school part time (I did all good shopping, meaning, cooking, bills, organisation etc) Dh went to work Mon-Fri 8.30-5
I’ve now started working part time, 3 days when Dd is at Pre school and one day at weekends
I feel like I’m running around doing everything.
An example of this weekend

Saturday

Dd ill, so Dh sat cuddled up on the sofa watching tv
I went to do the food shop (three different shops due to needing different things)
I went to get materials for a dressing up competition for Dd at school, came back and spent 3 hours painting parts of her costume (Dh drew them out)
I then tidied up the mess they’d made from the morning and not washed up
I made a curry, Dh thanked me but left washing up in sink
This morning I got up with Dd, did her breakfast, went out to work, got food from the shop on the way back.
Came home, toys everywhere, bin not taken out (I’m forever putting a bin bag on top of the bin to show-CHANGE THE BIN as sick of doing it myself. When I get home, Dh goes out saying he’s going to the shop-still not back an hour later. I’m finishing Dds costume, have put out the money and payment codes for Dh to do tomorrow (I have to organise them all) then I’m doing valentines cupcakes and craft with dd (won’t be able to do on Tuesday)
Ive put our the food I bought for dinner on the top..will he come home and make dinner?! Let’s see
Aibu to feel this is taking the piss?!

And you go to four different food shops over 2 days, because......

Ynbu that he needs to be doing more but frankly if you did the passive aggressive thing of leaving the bin bag on top of the bin like hell would I do it.

@ancientgran Its not really about it only taking a minute to change the bin, it’s having to be the one who notices and does it every time, same with picking up poo or putting the cups away. Yes, small things on their own, but all adds up to just be annoying in my head

I hear you. It's like DH doesn't even notice it sometimes. Then if I tell him I'm "nagging"

But he doesn't have to feel the same. If he's happy with an amazon costume he's entitled. If he doesn't enjoy making cupcakes and his wife does why is that held against him? He's happy on the sofa cuddling sick child, child probably prefers that to a stressed out parent making cupcakes.

I understand your point but you are not dealing with it in the right way. The leaving the bag on the bin and the food shop on the side hoping he will magically do it (when he has no previous form for it) is just daft.

Speak to him! Draw up a list of regular jobs and split them out evenly if you have to.

He may be lazy or he might just have different expectations to you.

The valentines craft and home made costume seem to have added to much to your plate but that’s your decision.

If you enjoy planning the homemade costume fine but expecting your husband to help make it, is unreasonable. He probably doesnt want to make one. You make it or one of buys one.

You’ve been asked this, but haven’t responded - are you saying all of this to him at the time? It sounds like you’re just being passive aggressive and martyring yourself, but not actually communicating. Why?

She doesn't need a fancy costume, an amazon one will do or a less elaborate one. She doesn't need Valentine's Day cupcakes. The cuddle was more important in my book, if the costume and cupcakes are more important or urgent or whatever to you then fair enough but accept that you got time to go out and do what you wanted while he looked after sick child. He wasn't doing nothing.

Yes I don't like passive aggressive. Just communicate, expecting people to mind read is a recipe for disaster.

@chopc I have Dd, if I had those two days to myself at home, it would be heaven 💜In September, she’ll go full time, but so will I with work

'Right, its been a couple of weeks since I started working part-time, I'm finding it really hard to be honest, we're going to need to divide and rule to keep on top of the stuff I used to do on those three days - can we sit down and divide responsibilities please?'
I found it best if it was divided so that we each cooked or washed up certain nights, cleaned half the house each every week, one shopped, one did washing. Then no reminding required. Life admin and school stuff is harder to divide but could still be split effectively. I personally never criticise how or when a job is done and I don't sweat the small stuff, I pick up some slack when he's busy or ill, do slightly more than my share (if we both aim to do this it should work, right?) Don't do his jobs or pick up after him, you're too busy with your share.

@Undernorthernskies you're avoiding a lot of questions?

Why four shops over three days?

Why abs how does DD know or enjoy valentines baking?

How does DD know or care the outfit is homemade?

You are being such a martyr!

@Dogcafedreamer

I explained about the different shops and said it’s not normally the case I go to different ones. They didn’t have some ingredients in one and then I had to get different craft materials etc

The pre school have requested the baking and a homemade costume (not for valentines) I’m not sewing materials etc 🙈but am painting, using different materials and the glue gun etc.

As I said I don’t mind doing these, but I think doing these plus most of the crap in the house, plus planning for work, then going to work was just too much
I’m not being a martyr, I need and want to work for the extra money, Dd needs these things for Pre school and I’m trying to keep my standards lower (I’m actually quite laid back about the house, but basics need to be done, like the rubbish, dog poo, walking the dog and cooking for my child

@ancientgran I didn’t necessarily *Want to go to the shops, I needed to and would have preferred to be snuggled with Dd under the duvet.
Instead this weekend has involved working, shopping, cooking and making stuff 😬

You are being a martyr and I'd tell preschool to fuck right off wanting a homemade costume! If they insisted id move her.

Still don't get the 3/4 shops, you're so being a martyr.

Thanks so much for all the advice everyone, some really helpful tips.
It’s true that things can’t be the same as when I was at home all the time with Dd and did everything around the house, a fairly easy weekly food shop out, plus all her activities, days out, crafts etc.
Now I work three days in the week and one at weekends, I didn’t think it would make much difference at all, but it has this week. I have Dd on the two non working days, I try to get some chores done then but all of a sudden it seems to have become rushed all the time. I need to cut back on things with her (which makes me sad tbh) in order to concentrate fully on work.
Doing an online shop would make more sense too as I’m noticing I’m nipping to the shops after work all the time now recently, which is annoying.
I’ll also have to organise a set list/expectation of tasks we each have to do

@Dogcafedreamer Whats not to get 🤷🏻‍♀️They didn’t have everything I needed in one place? Is that weird

@Undernorthernskies preschool want to baking as well??

Bullshit!

You said you baked this weekend because DD liked it (as a pre schooler, she's no idea!) and because you couldn't do it Tuesday (like DD would know 🙄).

Nothing to do with pre school!

You're just such a fucking martyr!

So pre school demand

Home made costumes

Home baked cakes

Yeah, of course they do......

I cannot believe a nursery/pre school has stipulated “home made” costumes. I mean I’ve only got the experience of a 7 yo and 3 yo who went to nursery FT from 6 months old - so what do I know - but never once have I heard of a nursery establishment stipulating “must be homemade” for costumes to working parents.
I would be having a strong word with the manager about setting this stipulation.

At my 3 yo’s nursery they have various days - invoicing costumes. We have a particular mother in pre school who makes the most elaborate costumes with paint and glue and our 3 yo obviously just shows up in whatever’s clean. We do occasionally see this persons costume/artwork and go “wow maybe ours is missing out” but then very quickly go “naah” 😂

As two people working FT with two kids - I cannot imagine physically visiting supermarkets for shops and crafting valentines cakes (WTF).

but yes of course men should do their fair share. Depends what’s on the full plate though. Our full plate has zero extended extras like crafting and physical shops so we just share basic cleaning and feeding and live like heathens. Our poor kids!

Do not hint, it's much better to say it how it is. (And less irritating). Don't lay things out for him so he doesn't have to think. He has a brain.

What I would do is leave him to it and if things don't get done so be it.

OP here’s a suggested letter for pre school -

Dear X,
Hope you’ve had a good weekend.
I am just writing with some thoughts on your stipulation that costumes for pre school events must be homemade and that cakes for bake sales must be home made too. I’ve tried making these costumes and baking these cakes but it just adds a layer or two of extra pressure that working parents really don’t need.
Would it be okay to clarify that homemade is fully optional so that I can send DD in whatever we’ve got in and buy some nut free cakes? Would make life so much easier and I’m sure you’ll support making working parents life as easy as possible.
thanks
Me.

Pre school haven’t demanded, but very strongly encouraged creative ideas made from natural resources etc and a parade and competition for the most original. They also give us do a lot of things at home, I don’t know, I’m abroad, this is normal to me

Oh I can believe they prefer homemade costumes but I've never known one that this was really the case - at least half the class will be in something bought and a couple of parents will forget altogether if you're lucky

You can't really complain about having to go to three shops when two of them were for an activity you'd chosen to do.
You either want to make valentine treats or you don't. Don't blame your DH for not helping around the house because you chose to spend time running round after costume bits.