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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I knew when I started working again, I’d end up doing it all

197 replies

Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:17

Worked full time since university until I had my Dd, later in life (infertility, not by choice)
I was then a Sahm mum until Dd started Pre school part time (I did all good shopping, meaning, cooking, bills, organisation etc) Dh went to work Mon-Fri 8.30-5
I’ve now started working part time, 3 days when Dd is at Pre school and one day at weekends
I feel like I’m running around doing everything.
An example of this weekend

Saturday

Dd ill, so Dh sat cuddled up on the sofa watching tv
I went to do the food shop (three different shops due to needing different things)
I went to get materials for a dressing up competition for Dd at school, came back and spent 3 hours painting parts of her costume (Dh drew them out)
I then tidied up the mess they’d made from the morning and not washed up
I made a curry, Dh thanked me but left washing up in sink
This morning I got up with Dd, did her breakfast, went out to work, got food from the shop on the way back.
Came home, toys everywhere, bin not taken out (I’m forever putting a bin bag on top of the bin to show-CHANGE THE BIN as sick of doing it myself. When I get home, Dh goes out saying he’s going to the shop-still not back an hour later. I’m finishing Dds costume, have put out the money and payment codes for Dh to do tomorrow (I have to organise them all) then I’m doing valentines cupcakes and craft with dd (won’t be able to do on Tuesday)
Ive put our the food I bought for dinner on the top..will he come home and make dinner?! Let’s see
Aibu to feel this is taking the piss?!

OP posts:
DottieUncBab · 12/02/2023 16:50

have you spoken to him? If this was my husband we’d just have a conversation about it

Kennykenkencat · 12/02/2023 16:54

Make a list of what you want doing.

Hinting at something, putting bin and poo bags out isn’t working

I know you think it is obvious to you what you mean but it obviously isn’t to him.

I know you enjoy making costumes and baking with Dd but atm you are working and you don’t have the time to do these things if you then have to shop for the materials.
You asked Dh to help but did you instruct him on what exactly you need doing
I wouldn’t have a clue what making a costume entailed (I have 2 dc and they went through school never having a home made costume)

Get Dh on board with what he is supposed to do each day, each week etc and plan in advance each task you are responsible for and he is responsible for. Then find an easier way of doing it. Whether that be getting a dishwasher, a cleaner or doing your shopping online.

If you really need to make a costume then order everything you need on line and get it delivered.

You are now back at work. You can’t do what you did when you were not working so give yourself some slack and simplify your life.

It might seem initially that you are micro managing Dh but think of it as making sure he learns what to do and when he has learned it then you won’t have to.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2023 16:54

Write a list of all the chores that need to be done.

Include items like washing your dishes and not piling it all up in the sink, and picking up toys with DD. Leaving a mess in your wake for your partner to deal with is grossly disrespectful. Leave him in no doubt that this is how you feel.

Divide the work between you.

Start ordering groceries online. How many shopping trips did you put in between you this weekend so far?

Join some activity just for you on the weekend - yoga, watercolour painting, running group, etc.

Farcis · 12/02/2023 16:57

Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:33

@thinkfast I’ve chosen to do the valentines activities with Dd as enjoy it and have always done them. The costume I like planning for, bought all the materials etc, but I did say to Dh he needs to help with her costume as I don’t have time to do it all, he’s barely done anything. I don’t mind doing those things…*But he now needs to do some food shopping, bills, some dinners etc..I’m not doing it all.
Putting the bin liner on top of the bin is my way of saying to him to do it, and he then does, but why can’t he just see, oh the bins full, I’ll change it? I mean sometimes, items are literally almost falling out
Same with dog poo, just do a daily check of the garden.
I feel like my head is just full of lists and organisation all the time, even down to the small stuff of remembering to get and getting washing up liquid or milk etc etc, so bored of it!

As someone who made all the costumes and did all the baking when they were really little (they now love a bit of Amazon as that’s what everyone else has), he doesn’t need to help you with it. You decided to do it. The coffee cups under the sofa I get, but a lot of the rest of it is communication and lists. DH used to ask me what he could to help. And we changed that to talk about participation- it’s not help. But when I decided to do home baking for the school, or make costumes, or bunting or whatever, it was on me.

none of this is easy though, especially if you’ve not worked for a bit. I’m full-time now and it took a long time for both of us to get used to me not being part-time.

1000yellowdaisies · 12/02/2023 17:00

I mean, tbh i don't think it sounds that bad. You have 1 child and work part time while dc is at pre school and your DH works full time. I think its right that you do more than he does.
Perhaps ask him to do things specifically rather than just expect him to do things himself. Did he stay at home with dc while you went shopping? That seems fine to me. I am a single working parent and have no help at all, I'd love to do the weekend shop without dc trailing around after me.

Hellybelly84 · 12/02/2023 17:00

SittingNextToIt · 12/02/2023 16:33

Obviously men should do their fair share.

However - there are a few key things we do differently to you I guess - we both work FT and kids are 3 and 7.

  1. We don’t do in person food shops. Online and click and collect froM tesco. If they don’t have it - too bad. Life’s too short.
  2. we don’t ever do handmade costumes. Either it’s whatever hand me downs in box, or not. We don’t have the time or energy for all this costume making.
  3. we don’t do home baking and crafting. They did/do all that at nursery and school clubs. That’s enough.
  4. we let them do nothing but watch telly if they are ill. Sofa and get better.

If crafting baking and costume making are your hobbies - well done on making time for all of those things this weekend!! I’d love to have the time for hobbies in a weekend when a child is ill!

Agree with everything-we’ve only done online shopping since having kids (pop to the shops occasionally for the things we run out of in between). Going food shopping is such a waste of time for busy families when you can do it all online in minutes.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2023 17:03

I agree with the distinction between what's necessary and what's a nice extra. The costume and special baking would fit the latter category.

I was a sahm with five DCs and just about had the time to do special stuff like this when I had two DCs. I gave up baking with small children and provided other sensory experiences and maybe two minutes of putting icing on the last few cupcakes when I had three of them.

You are working at a job that demands your time and energy on top of shoukdering everything at home. You need to guard your time and energy. Work smart, not long, or you'll burn out.

Kennykenkencat · 12/02/2023 17:03

Organise your bills so they are. Paid by direct debit

It doesn’t need to be a separate job for someone. You basically know how much your bills are over a year and month. Set what you each needs to pay into a joint account each month. Even holiday money can be put in to the account each month.
Once per year you might look at the cost of renewals on things like house/car/energy or telephone bills but outside of that nothing really changes
It doesn’t have to be a huge faff or a weekly or monthly job that takes hours to do.

YouJustDoYou · 12/02/2023 17:09

You have a huge communication issue.

ancientgran · 12/02/2023 17:09

Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 14:51

It’s generally not 3 shops, but I had normal food, things for valentines baking that they didn’t have in one shop and then the crafts/costume materials etc.
Stopped by after work today to get salmon as all the chicken was eaten for lunch (Dh texted me)
He went to the *Shop to get cigarettes, so only something for himself (tbf if I’d asked for things we need, he’d get them, but also needs to look too at things we need/have ran out of!)
He’s still not back, so is getting a break away from the house!

I think it says a lot that you were busy out shopping yesterday while he was just looking after a sick child but today he is at the shops getting time out of the house while you are looking after the sick child.

He might need to do more but I think you might to look at how you are viewing things.

pastypirate · 12/02/2023 17:15

Whoever lets the dog out picks up the poo immediately and bins it. Really not that challenging.

Olmsted · 12/02/2023 17:15
  1. Your idea of fun and showing love is through structured activities like hand make costumes and themed baking, your DH prefers playing with DD and her toys, that's perfect, neither contribution is more valuable than the other, you each bring different things to her life.
  2. Housework responsibilities split 50/50, but you may have capacity for certain chores on your days off with DD like washing, post office. Each take responsibility for particular tasks like renewing insurance so it's not all your head space. Online grocery shopping and take alternative weeks with DH to meal plan and do an online order. Let him pick up the pieces when he has a hangry toddler at 5pm and nothing to make their tea with.
  3. Allow yourself to take the easy route! Buy a costume or improvise with things around the house like a few heart stickers on a red t shirt, pink ribbon in their hair and that's your valentine's costume
  4. When kids are ill it's rubbish, the house gets into a tip, everyone is stressed, and it's boring being stuck at home. Enjoy those snuggles on the sofa with DD and bake next weekend instead
Alleycat1 · 12/02/2023 17:16

@mbosnz Leg of lamb and a patio. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A tad drastic, though.

NeedToChangeName · 12/02/2023 17:18

Leaving ingredients out, expecting him to cook dinner, is a bit passive aggressive / setting him.up to fail

I normally cook, I enjoy it. But if I'm not in the mood / don't have time, I'll ask my DH to cook. And he does. I don't leave the ingredients on the work top and expect him to second guess me

mathanxiety · 12/02/2023 17:38

Nobody ever needs to be looking through the kitchen or asking their housemates or partner about items that have run out.

Buy a whiteboard. Stuck it on a kitchen wall. Write stuff there as you run out or run low. Take a photo of the board on your way out.

Or do Google notes.

nanodyne · 12/02/2023 17:40

Automate as much as you can - we have an Echo dot so stuff gets added to a communal shopping list and no one has to waste brain space on it. We have a Trello board for jobs around the house, if you notice something, add it and assign it then you can forget about it (unless it's your job!). You also have to trust DH to actually pick up some of the chores and accept he might do things a different way to you. Things will only improve if you say something and then refrain from carrying on as normal after you have. Good luck!

Orangesare · 12/02/2023 17:44

AnneElliott · 12/02/2023 15:32

I feel your pain op. It was the same when my DS was small - and I was the higher earner! But expected to sort everything out.

My advice is stop doing his washing, stop doing or reminding him of anything relating to his family and fully let him sort out any fuck ups are of his own making.

Yes this. Just sort yourself and dc out and anything that will impact on you. I said to mine a few weeks ago have you got everything ready for x. In previous years I’ve sorted it but I’m not anymore. And the reply was it’s fine I don’t need anything and lo and behold today it came back to bite him. But it didn’t impact the dc or me so he had to sort himself.

I also got you just left my clothes on my side of the bed. Yes you can put them away or not choice is yours.

Ive been doing this for some time and dh is more appreciative of what I do, does keep up with most of his jobs and does not expect help anymore. Not totally there yet though.

bonzaitree · 12/02/2023 17:44

Tell your OH to arrange a weekly online food delivery and leave him to it. Tell him you don’t have time to go, so this is his contribution.

DONT spend your weekend going to three bloody shops what’s the point of that?

Sounds like a mix of him being lazy but also you running yourself ragged!

Dogcafedreamer · 12/02/2023 17:44

mathanxiety · 12/02/2023 17:38

Nobody ever needs to be looking through the kitchen or asking their housemates or partner about items that have run out.

Buy a whiteboard. Stuck it on a kitchen wall. Write stuff there as you run out or run low. Take a photo of the board on your way out.

Or do Google notes.

Or one of those modern Alexa things .... 😂

katepilar · 12/02/2023 17:48

Theres nothing wrong going to three shops if thats were you need to go to to buy what you want. Dont understand why this shocks so many people.

OP, you sound tired and fed up. Thats a difficult place to have a conversation with your DH about things. Sending at least a hug.

Ericaequites · 12/02/2023 17:49

Homemade cupcakes with homemade icing are much nicer than those bought at the store. Making a costume is more responsible than buying fast fashion made with forced labor. Having clear expectations for sharing wifework will make you happier in the long run.

plumduck · 12/02/2023 17:50

Everytime you do something write it down. Then you have a list of things to show DH and say look you need to be picking this up too

katepilar · 12/02/2023 17:51

NeedToChangeName · 12/02/2023 17:18

Leaving ingredients out, expecting him to cook dinner, is a bit passive aggressive / setting him.up to fail

I normally cook, I enjoy it. But if I'm not in the mood / don't have time, I'll ask my DH to cook. And he does. I don't leave the ingredients on the work top and expect him to second guess me

Agree with that. Just tell him its his turn to cook. And next time he needs to shop and think about it as well.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/02/2023 17:54

First issue is you are trying to maintain the same standards and levels of activity with your DD when you are working that you had when you were not working. That is not possible. Secondly your DH needs to adjust and step up a bit more as you have obviously done everything up to now. You actually need to spell it out to him what he needs to do even if this means a whiteboard and a list.
Set up online shopping orders.
Get more organised.
If rushing around to do valentines baking and making costumes with a pre schooler is causing stress in your life know it in the head. Do something more low key. There's a lot of this ahead in primary school and believe me the less time and effort you put into this stuff the better for your sanity.

Original poster
Undernorthernskies · 12/02/2023 17:55

@ancientgran No no no, I see sitting cuddling her as a top priority but she also has things she needs to have done for Orr school etc, which I’m rushing around getting ready! He’s actually sat there on his phone too or watching tv, so it’s pretty easy!

OP posts:
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