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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel generous enough to do this…

242 replies

Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 07:41

NC as outing.

Been married 15 years. Originally PIL bought both me and DH thoughtful gifts at Xmas and often money to share.

DH and I have been though a rough patch. I suspect, but don’t know, he’s told them his version of events. I suspect he won’t have told them about some of his less desirable actions. We are in a better place now but still need to work at things.

I am the main earner. I earn 3 times what DH earns. DH has been able to pursue his self employed ideas and do what he enjoys. Often unsuccessfully in terms of finances.

PIL are welL off and a couple of years ago gave all their children a large lump sum that has helped us to pay off our mortgage. Hugely grateful. We (I) thanked them by buying vouchers to stay and have food at a fancy hotel I remembered they like.

Here is my AIBU:
Since DH and I have been struggling I’ve noticed a downgrade in how they treat me. They are still nice to me but don’t give as much in terms gestures of caring.

Christmas- we got joint presents of food - not a hamper - just gift bags with food in. Some nice chocs but basically a food shop - TBH I suspect they are re-gifting some stuff they don’t want from their pantry but I can’t be sure. They don’t look like very carefully selected items. I don’t mind. I’m not that fussed on gifts. DH got given a special card of his own with money in it. It felt pointed.

This isn’t the only example of me getting different treatment from their DC and from before. It’s a shift.

They have a significant birthday coming up. DH wants us to buy them a trip away - weekend somewhere.

I am not feeling that generous…AIBU?

OP posts:
AlwaysGinPlease · 11/02/2023 07:44

Let him pay for it. See how that works out for him.

dollymixtured · 11/02/2023 07:45

You sound quite bitter. Surely it can’t be a shock to you that your parents prefer their own son to you. You also come across as quite materialistic and as if the fact that you out earn your partner means you are somehow more valuable

CoffeeBeansGalore · 11/02/2023 07:45

Surely if DH wants to treat them then let him crack on. If he can't afford it without you paying then tough.

MelaniesFlowers · 11/02/2023 07:45

dollymixtured · 11/02/2023 07:45

You sound quite bitter. Surely it can’t be a shock to you that your parents prefer their own son to you. You also come across as quite materialistic and as if the fact that you out earn your partner means you are somehow more valuable

This.

Poppyblush · 11/02/2023 07:46

He can pay for it.

dollymixtured · 11/02/2023 07:46

CoffeeBeansGalore · 11/02/2023 07:45

Surely if DH wants to treat them then let him crack on. If he can't afford it without you paying then tough.

It seems like the OP was happy enough with the concept of joint money when it was paying off her mortgage.

Mamai90 · 11/02/2023 07:46

You say you aren't interested in gifts but you've been tallying up what they bought you, is this how you measure love? You say they are still as nice to you its just the gifts?

They've been very generous to pay off your mortgage. YABU.

MelchiorsMistress · 11/02/2023 07:46

On most of what you’ve said, I would ignore their change and carry on as normal. But your DH doesn’t get to decide to spend a large amount of money that you’ve earned on his parents when they have decided to treat you differently.

if your DH wants to buy them a trip away, it can come out of his own personal money.

KangarooKenny · 11/02/2023 07:47

I can’t see a problem with them giving their kids more than the kids partners. And I think they were very generous to help pay off your mortgage. If it was me I’d have ring fenced that money, perhaps now they see they have made a mistake.

Badbudgeter · 11/02/2023 07:47

I think he can pay for it tbh.

Original poster
Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 07:48

Well yes. That would be interesting would t it! Although I’d have to tell him why. Present’s usually come out of joint account.

OP posts:
harrassedmumto3 · 11/02/2023 07:49

YABU. In fact, are you for real?!

sorcerersapprentice · 11/02/2023 07:50

Of course they will side with him, particularly if he's hurt.
But don't read too much into it. As my elderly relatives got older, their gifts became different, stranger and sometimes quite bizarre. They always seem to have a bit of a crisis of 'not knowing what to buy'.
Might not be anything pointed at all.

MarieRoseMarie · 11/02/2023 07:50

You sound grabby and quite horrible.

Theunamedcat · 11/02/2023 07:51

You were having difficulties was it mutual or more one person's fault?

Ultimately your still together they should beak out and not put more pressure on

MarieRoseMarie · 11/02/2023 07:51

Also I’d be giving gifts to my son separately as well if his wife was holding her salary over his head.

cptartapp · 11/02/2023 07:52

Very nice of them to pay off your mortgage. I suspect you'll be so beholden as they age.

Original poster
Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 07:52

I’m not bitter or materialistic. It’s not the what they give us. It’s the downgrading me that hurts and leaves me feeling less generous than usual. Another example was something similar to giving the chocolate covered biscuits to them and the plain ones to me. I don’t care about the chocolate biscuits. It’s the change - before they wouldn’t have done that. Before they’d have given me something too - a smaller amount of money or a voucher for example. Again, I really don’t care about the ‘what’ - it’s the change.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 11/02/2023 07:53

They can take him back if they like and support him through his unsuccessful ventures

deeperthanallroses · 11/02/2023 07:53

dollymixtured · 11/02/2023 07:46

It seems like the OP was happy enough with the concept of joint money when it was paying off her mortgage.

Show quote history

The op has clearly been happy enough with the concept of joint money to finance multiple failed business attempts from her husband and to accept that he will never finance the family. That to me is pretty impressive! Even saints occasionally feel a little bitter and it’s perfectly understandable in this case.

i wouldn’t have spare finances for this gift op. ‘I’ve noticed since we’ve been talking through a few issues that for example there’s a special Christmas present for you not me and they treat me differently generally. It would only be taking a leaf from their book to say I don’t feel like finding the extra money for this present, you are welcome to. You haven’t objected to their change in attitude, which presumably stems directly from what you’ve told them, so you can’t object to my reacting to that.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 11/02/2023 07:55

@deeperthanallroses

Well said.

Original poster
Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 07:55

I don’t hold my salary over his head. We have joint finances. I have never been about the money but I’m feeling a bit ‘meh’ about spending it on them as they have shifted their behaviour towards me and I’m feeling punished. I’m usually very generous.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 11/02/2023 07:57

If you believe your husband is saying untruths about you to them that is between you and your husband. You shouldn't have accepted them paying off your mortgage and why did you when you are so well paid. It all sounds like an unhealthy dynamic and now the chickens are coming home to roost. I would rise above what ever is happening and do what is right. That isn't necessarily the same as what feels fair.

dollymixtured · 11/02/2023 07:57

deeperthanallroses · 11/02/2023 07:53

The op has clearly been happy enough with the concept of joint money to finance multiple failed business attempts from her husband and to accept that he will never finance the family. That to me is pretty impressive! Even saints occasionally feel a little bitter and it’s perfectly understandable in this case.

i wouldn’t have spare finances for this gift op. ‘I’ve noticed since we’ve been talking through a few issues that for example there’s a special Christmas present for you not me and they treat me differently generally. It would only be taking a leaf from their book to say I don’t feel like finding the extra money for this present, you are welcome to. You haven’t objected to their change in attitude, which presumably stems directly from what you’ve told them, so you can’t object to my reacting to that.

Show quote history

Its not healthy for one partner to hold it over the other just because they earn more. It smacks of the OP thinking her husband is lesser because of his earnings

Original poster
Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 07:57

Theunamedcat

That made me smile. Due to me feeling like a mug and still doing the bulk of domestic stuff this was nearly the reality. But it is shifting now.

OP posts: