Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel generous enough to do this…

242 replies

Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 07:41

NC as outing.

Been married 15 years. Originally PIL bought both me and DH thoughtful gifts at Xmas and often money to share.

DH and I have been though a rough patch. I suspect, but don’t know, he’s told them his version of events. I suspect he won’t have told them about some of his less desirable actions. We are in a better place now but still need to work at things.

I am the main earner. I earn 3 times what DH earns. DH has been able to pursue his self employed ideas and do what he enjoys. Often unsuccessfully in terms of finances.

PIL are welL off and a couple of years ago gave all their children a large lump sum that has helped us to pay off our mortgage. Hugely grateful. We (I) thanked them by buying vouchers to stay and have food at a fancy hotel I remembered they like.

Here is my AIBU:
Since DH and I have been struggling I’ve noticed a downgrade in how they treat me. They are still nice to me but don’t give as much in terms gestures of caring.

Christmas- we got joint presents of food - not a hamper - just gift bags with food in. Some nice chocs but basically a food shop - TBH I suspect they are re-gifting some stuff they don’t want from their pantry but I can’t be sure. They don’t look like very carefully selected items. I don’t mind. I’m not that fussed on gifts. DH got given a special card of his own with money in it. It felt pointed.

This isn’t the only example of me getting different treatment from their DC and from before. It’s a shift.

They have a significant birthday coming up. DH wants us to buy them a trip away - weekend somewhere.

I am not feeling that generous…AIBU?

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/02/2023 09:38

Nowdontmakeamess · 11/02/2023 09:28

Tell your DH you’ve noticed a considerable change in how his parents treat you, and from now on all gifts for his family are his responsibility to pay for and organise.

Its completely ridiculous that a grown man expects his wife to do this under any circumstances.

Also work out exactly what your financial contribution to the household has been since you married compared with DH’s (including money from PIL). I suspect it will be more equal or even show you’ve paid more than you realise if you earn so much more than him. Perhaps that will help you feel less obliged to them.

This.

Why can't he step up and earn more? He's like a pet, not a partner.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 11/02/2023 09:39

deeperthanallroses · 11/02/2023 07:53

The op has clearly been happy enough with the concept of joint money to finance multiple failed business attempts from her husband and to accept that he will never finance the family. That to me is pretty impressive! Even saints occasionally feel a little bitter and it’s perfectly understandable in this case.

i wouldn’t have spare finances for this gift op. ‘I’ve noticed since we’ve been talking through a few issues that for example there’s a special Christmas present for you not me and they treat me differently generally. It would only be taking a leaf from their book to say I don’t feel like finding the extra money for this present, you are welcome to. You haven’t objected to their change in attitude, which presumably stems directly from what you’ve told them, so you can’t object to my reacting to that.

Show quote history

What @deeperthanallroses says. You’ve been downgraded, and I see no reason why you should pay for an excessively generous gift.

2bazookas · 11/02/2023 09:40

Thanks to them you're mortgage free so can afford to return some open hearted generosity

"Big birthday" suggests they are now retired, maybe the pensioners are feeling the squeeze a bit; but that doesn't excuse your grabby pricing of their Xmas presents.

Allergictoironing · 11/02/2023 09:41

as for forever being beholden to them for lying a lump sum to their children that enabled your husband to help pay off the joint mortgage, presumably you’ve been paying the bulk of the mortgage off for years as well as paying the bulk of everything.

This. All the people going on about the mortgage seem to have missed that the ILs gave all their children a lump sum (of unstated amount), and the OP's DH put his share towards the mortgage on the house he half owns but hasn't paid anything towards over 15 years of marriage. Many parents do this kind of thing as they get older, as it can reduce inheritance tax if they are wealthy

Plus at no stage has the OP said how much money was needed to pay off the outstanding amount of the mortgage, could be anything between a few thousand to a million. Or what percentage of the purchase price value of the house this gift came to - the house her DH owns 50% of. £100k for example could be 50% of a £200k mortgage, but the same amount could be 10% of a £1m mortgage, both are the same amount of money. If you have a comparatively small amount outstanding on your mortgage, it wouldn't take a massive gift to pay that off.

MeridianB · 11/02/2023 09:42

AlwaysGinPlease · 11/02/2023 07:44

Let him pay for it. See how that works out for him.

First post nails it.

Your theory makes sense. Could DH be thinking of divorce?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 09:44

ZenNudist · 11/02/2023 09:06

This. I think DH can pay for it but its all family money. They paid off your mortgage FGS.

Show quote history

No, they contributed to paying it off. I suspect that if you were to compare that contribution to that of the OP’s overall financial responsibility, including financing DHs failed business attempts, you’d find that things are not as they seem.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 09:46

2bazookas · 11/02/2023 09:40

Thanks to them you're mortgage free so can afford to return some open hearted generosity

"Big birthday" suggests they are now retired, maybe the pensioners are feeling the squeeze a bit; but that doesn't excuse your grabby pricing of their Xmas presents.

Utterly spectacular fail to understand anything the OP has said. Well done.

BeavisMcTavish · 11/02/2023 09:46

MelchiorsMistress · 11/02/2023 07:46

On most of what you’ve said, I would ignore their change and carry on as normal. But your DH doesn’t get to decide to spend a large amount of money that you’ve earned on his parents when they have decided to treat you differently.

if your DH wants to buy them a trip away, it can come out of his own personal money.

Perhaps he should have kept is ‘personal money’ and not paid off the OPs ‘half of the mortgage’.
is it any wonder people are wary of marriage and joint commitments nowadays.

this advise stinks. “What’s his is mine, and what’s mine is my own” it seems.

BeavisMcTavish · 11/02/2023 09:47

MeridianB · 11/02/2023 09:42

First post nails it.

Your theory makes sense. Could DH be thinking of divorce?

Show quote history

yeah, that’s why he allowed his parents money to go in to a joint asset - clearly he wants a divorce 🙄

pinkfondu · 11/02/2023 09:50

Sorry if Ive missed it, but what did your DH do with the money?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 09:50

LemonTT · 11/02/2023 09:17

If you really want to withdraw from their generosity circle, give them back the mortgage lump sum. Or ring fence it for your husband so it is not part of your financial life.

And when she ring fences it for her husband, perhaps he can use it to pay the OP back for bailing him out of numerous failed business attempts, and generally taking on the majority of the financial responsibility while he plays at it.

Fleabigg · 11/02/2023 09:51

He’s their child, of course they give him “better” presents. This all sounds very petty and teenage.

FrodisCapering · 11/02/2023 09:53

I'm on your side, OP.
I thi k when you're married, there shouldn't be any massive disparity with gifts. My parents, well my mum, will buy something for both of us. Of course she loves me more because I am her child, but she treats us equally.

Crumpetdisappointment · 11/02/2023 09:53

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 09:32

FFS read the thread !!!

Show quote history

ok
i have read it

thats upsetting op

billy1966 · 11/02/2023 09:54

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 09:35

This. Absolutely. Yay, someone gets it !!!

Show quote history

This.

OP, you sound great but that is a right nasty piece of work you married.

Have you given any thought to how your children might view their harsh childhood at the hands of this man.

I think you need to look long and hard at what your children are experiencing.

Let him organise and pay for a gift.

They have definitely been generous in paying for their waster son to contribute in the home via the morgage.

Think about your life long term.

You and your children deserve better than a harsh aggressive man who has assaulted you by shoving you.

I think you have excused far too much.

Allergictoironing · 11/02/2023 09:55

BeavisMcTavish · 11/02/2023 09:46

Perhaps he should have kept is ‘personal money’ and not paid off the OPs ‘half of the mortgage’.
is it any wonder people are wary of marriage and joint commitments nowadays.

this advise stinks. “What’s his is mine, and what’s mine is my own” it seems.

Show quote history

Paid off the OP's half of the mortgage

How on earth did you miss the fact that up until now the OP has been paying ALL the mortgage? And probably the deposit (though that's speculation on my part). In addition she's been covering just about all the household bills for 15 years, AND managing the mental load, AND looking after the majority of the household tasks etc.....

Crumpetdisappointment · 11/02/2023 09:55

i also would spend more on ds than his gf but otoh you have been together a long time.
be less generous in response op, in other words, leave him to it

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 09:57

BeavisMcTavish · 11/02/2023 09:46

Perhaps he should have kept is ‘personal money’ and not paid off the OPs ‘half of the mortgage’.
is it any wonder people are wary of marriage and joint commitments nowadays.

this advise stinks. “What’s his is mine, and what’s mine is my own” it seems.

Show quote history

And perhaps the OP should have stood back and let him go bankrupt in his multiple failed business attempts instead of bailing him out each time. And it’s pretty obvious from what the OP has said that she has most of the financial responsibility, so you have to weigh up what she’s contributed over time against any lump sum contribution. Lots of people ignoring/minimising his failures on the financial front, for which he OP has had to shoulder responsibility.

Pinkfluff76 · 11/02/2023 09:58

I don’t think you’re being U but if you’ve got marriage issues I’d be focusing on that and stop stressing about PIL!

NapoliTutti · 11/02/2023 09:58

YABU. They helped pay off your mortgage. You can help fork out for a weekend away….

Crumpetdisappointment · 11/02/2023 09:58

would pil even know your finances?
that you earn more?
and how should they react?

Name999999 · 11/02/2023 09:59

I’m actually on OPs side on this - controlling PILs. I would have struggled to take their gift to be honest. I feel in a way you’re better off just having your life OP away from DH and PILs. You’re too intertwined and they have too much of a hold on you.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 10:01

Allergictoironing · 11/02/2023 09:55

Paid off the OP's half of the mortgage

How on earth did you miss the fact that up until now the OP has been paying ALL the mortgage? And probably the deposit (though that's speculation on my part). In addition she's been covering just about all the household bills for 15 years, AND managing the mental load, AND looking after the majority of the household tasks etc.....

Show quote history

And bailing him out of failed business ventures. The lack of comprehension kills is astounding isn’t it ? Why are people focusing on the money and not the attitude shift the OP describes, I wonder.

Inertia · 11/02/2023 10:01

I wouldn’t regard the mortgage lump sum as a gift to you. It’s a gift to their son, which he then used as his contribution to the mortgage. Throughout the marriage, he has not made an equal financial contribution nor contributed to household/childcare work. He was gifted his share of the mortgage, rather than working for it (at home or outside it).

The issue of presents is separate. He probably has been moaning about you to his parents. I don’t think it’ll help to challenge their gifts / attitude to you.

The trip for them- let him organise it. It’s not just about financial generosity, it’s about reciprocity of care and effort-it’s time for your husband to step up and put effort into making it happen.

5128gap · 11/02/2023 10:03

I don't think you can have it both ways. When you accepted the handout and used it for joint benefit (he could have used it to own a larger share of the house. They could have made that the terms of the gift) you set a precedent where financially you are viewed as one in your relationship with them. This means gifts to them come from your marital income.
Its not their fault he earns much less than you, and if that's a problem for you that needs sorting with him.
If I were you I'd be more concerned with trying to get to the bottom of why they're treating you differently rather than contribute to the growing rift by making a passive aggressive gesture of your own.