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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel generous enough to do this…

242 replies

Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 07:41

NC as outing.

Been married 15 years. Originally PIL bought both me and DH thoughtful gifts at Xmas and often money to share.

DH and I have been though a rough patch. I suspect, but don’t know, he’s told them his version of events. I suspect he won’t have told them about some of his less desirable actions. We are in a better place now but still need to work at things.

I am the main earner. I earn 3 times what DH earns. DH has been able to pursue his self employed ideas and do what he enjoys. Often unsuccessfully in terms of finances.

PIL are welL off and a couple of years ago gave all their children a large lump sum that has helped us to pay off our mortgage. Hugely grateful. We (I) thanked them by buying vouchers to stay and have food at a fancy hotel I remembered they like.

Here is my AIBU:
Since DH and I have been struggling I’ve noticed a downgrade in how they treat me. They are still nice to me but don’t give as much in terms gestures of caring.

Christmas- we got joint presents of food - not a hamper - just gift bags with food in. Some nice chocs but basically a food shop - TBH I suspect they are re-gifting some stuff they don’t want from their pantry but I can’t be sure. They don’t look like very carefully selected items. I don’t mind. I’m not that fussed on gifts. DH got given a special card of his own with money in it. It felt pointed.

This isn’t the only example of me getting different treatment from their DC and from before. It’s a shift.

They have a significant birthday coming up. DH wants us to buy them a trip away - weekend somewhere.

I am not feeling that generous…AIBU?

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 11/02/2023 07:58

If you say he should fund it he will but you’ll end up paying for what he didn’t but and you’ll look bitter and twisted (which you may be) I’d just go with it.

pawz · 11/02/2023 07:58

I don't think you sound bitter or materialistic!

I think after a long marriage, you viewed them as family. After a tough time (where of course DH has told them nothing but his side, which most people would do) they seem to have cooled off with you and favoured him further.

Gifting money years ago to all of their children to pay off mortgages etc was very kind of them, but that doesn't make you beholden to them at all times - they did it for all of their DC, and you and DH were good at the time. It probably would equate to some sort of useful contribution from their son had he actually had a successful career that you hadn't financed him through!

I think the pointed gift of separate money at Christmas when you usually get thoughtful gifts was rude of them, and a clear indication of how they feel. Especially when combined with random bagged groceries for you.

I wouldn't think it odd for you to mention this to DH and suggest not going wild for their next occasion, joint money is exactly that (and whilst you earn the majority it doesn't mean you can suddenly hold it over his head) but a comment about how they clearly were rude at Christmas and changed what they normally did which has made you reconsider what you're comfortable with is absolutely fair in my book.

Original poster
Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 08:00

dollymixtured

I don’t see him as less because of his earnings but can see that my post reads like that. I think it’s because of the years of holding down a stressful job whilst carrying the mental load, doing the emotional labour and bulk of domestic stuff is still coming out in resentment- we are a work in progress. He’s doing lots more now.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 11/02/2023 08:01

Is it possible that your husband may be planning to exit the marriage and his parents don't want to sink funds into a sinking ship?

Stuffynosetime · 11/02/2023 08:01

that Sounds hard when they didn’t spend enough on you after basically paying your mortgage off. Not grabby at all. Have a word with your husband. Tell him you’ve your hand out and want more.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 11/02/2023 08:02

A pot plant and tin of biscuits will be fine.

If he wants to spend more, he can use the money gifted to him at Christmas.

007DoubleOSeven · 11/02/2023 08:02

Do you have any examples of how they treat you in a way which suggests they dislike you which aren't related to term giving things?
Ie how they talk to you

MarieRoseMarie · 11/02/2023 08:04

Everything is I. You did everything. You paid all the money. Even your husbands own parents paying off your mortgage is somehow placed in the you column because you paid for a hotel as a gift. Didn’t the gift of money they gave you pay for their hotel????

Your contempt for your husband is overwhelming. Maybe he deserves it. He probably does. But given his parents probably actually like him, I can see why they are distancing themselves.

Can’t you just leave him? I think you’d be happier.

Dammitthisisshit · 11/02/2023 08:05

Badbudgeter · 11/02/2023 07:47

I think he can pay for it tbh.

Do you pool money or not?

if you do, and the fact that the chunk of money the PILs gifted paid off your joint mortgage suggests you do then you can’t suddenly not pool money now.

I expect to be treated differently to DH by the in-laws, I’m not their daughter.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 11/02/2023 08:06

I agree with you op, if they'd always done this, then fine. My df gives me money for gifts and my dh a smaller amount, this is the way it's always been. If this suddenly changes that's when the bad feeling would come in. It does sound pointed.

Have you sat down and told your dh how you feel and that you've seen this change. Have you told him why you think it's changed? What does he think?

With regards to the weekend away, suggest a day trip, and if he wants to upgrade it to a weekend away, then he can do this with his disposable income and not family money

LightSpeeds · 11/02/2023 08:10

You hit the nail on the head when you said he probably fed them HIS version of events. Whatever that version was, they possibly think less of you now. But parents mostly side with their children no matter what's happened, which can feel unfair.

Can you discuss this with your husband, at all?

user1471538283 · 11/02/2023 08:10

I think they have been clear that you are now a little second best. Which is fine. It is also fine that you return the favour. If your DH wants them to have a generous gift he funds it and not from family money. Everything they have had so far you have contributed more.

I'd also knock pooling money on the head.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 11/02/2023 08:14

Sorry but if my DH parents paid of our mortgage I would not be regarding him as an economic burden in the long term (which it sounds like you are) simply add what you would normally pay in mortgage to his income and then see if he comes up to scratch . Our mortgage is over £1k a month. That would be an amazing relief to be released from that.

If my PIL paid off OUR mortgage - why would you get to be the one who decides if a present for them came out of the joint account .

If MY PIL paid of our mortgage I would be falling over myself to show gratitude and generosity.

BraveGoldie · 11/02/2023 08:15

I don't think it's about downgrading you or treating you less well because they disapprove of you in any way (you imply this by worrying that they have got a slanted account of things from your DH).

I think it's much more practical. They may be very sad about it, but they are worrying you guys will get divorced. You earn way more than him, so they know you will be ok. However, financial gifts they give jointly could within a year or to, have 50 percent disappear (with you) and not contribute to their son's financial security, which seems in doubt since he isn't very successful financially. While this may still be true for cheques made out solely to him, they could make more of an argument that that should remain his money.

Honestly, I think gifting large amounts of money to married couples is massively generous of parents, but considering how many marriages end in divorce, it's a huge leap of faith. If you already know the marriage is in trouble, I think you can't expect them to do so.

namechange9374 · 11/02/2023 08:15

pawz · 11/02/2023 07:58

I don't think you sound bitter or materialistic!

I think after a long marriage, you viewed them as family. After a tough time (where of course DH has told them nothing but his side, which most people would do) they seem to have cooled off with you and favoured him further.

Gifting money years ago to all of their children to pay off mortgages etc was very kind of them, but that doesn't make you beholden to them at all times - they did it for all of their DC, and you and DH were good at the time. It probably would equate to some sort of useful contribution from their son had he actually had a successful career that you hadn't financed him through!

I think the pointed gift of separate money at Christmas when you usually get thoughtful gifts was rude of them, and a clear indication of how they feel. Especially when combined with random bagged groceries for you.

I wouldn't think it odd for you to mention this to DH and suggest not going wild for their next occasion, joint money is exactly that (and whilst you earn the majority it doesn't mean you can suddenly hold it over his head) but a comment about how they clearly were rude at Christmas and changed what they normally did which has made you reconsider what you're comfortable with is absolutely fair in my book.

Agree with this.

Not sure what's wrong with so many people this morning on Mumsnet every thread I go on the OP is getting a right kicking.

BlastedPimples · 11/02/2023 08:16

What was his behaviour that you think he's told nothing of to his parents?

Alexandernevermind · 11/02/2023 08:19

From your first post I thought you were being a bit precious, but I don't think this is about the money or gifts or even pils really, is it? You are the bread winner which allowed him to stretch his wings and experiment a bit with his own projects. You also have ended up doing all or most of the housework etc. Basically you are carrying him. Your pils were on your team whilst everything was happy, but your dh has obviously been moaning about you to them with his little version of events to the extent the pils have withdrawn from you. He pays for his parent's trip op. He is taking advantage of you.

butterfliedtwo · 11/02/2023 08:20

Nah, he can pay for it then.

DamnThatHitsHome · 11/02/2023 08:20

MelchiorsMistress · 11/02/2023 07:46

On most of what you’ve said, I would ignore their change and carry on as normal. But your DH doesn’t get to decide to spend a large amount of money that you’ve earned on his parents when they have decided to treat you differently.

if your DH wants to buy them a trip away, it can come out of his own personal money.

So he can take back the mortgage money too then?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/02/2023 08:26

Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 07:55

I don’t hold my salary over his head. We have joint finances. I have never been about the money but I’m feeling a bit ‘meh’ about spending it on them as they have shifted their behaviour towards me and I’m feeling punished. I’m usually very generous.

I don't blame you.

Tell him to finance it himself, by getting a job.

In your shoes I'd stop pooling finances, to. Contribute a set amount to a joint pool and set aside some for your own security.

Original poster
Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 08:27

Wow. Thanks for all the posts. Really appreciate it. Even the harsh ones! That’s why I posted. I don’t usually feel this lacking in generosity- which as I type I realise could be due to being peri too. M much less empathic these days!

I am actually one of the least materialistic people in my circle. I don’t covet things. I cherish people and relationships. I own one pair of boots for winter. One handbag. Enough clothes for the week. I spend very little on me and need very little to be happy - a walk on the beach is all it takes!

For years I struggled with a full time very emotionally demanding job then went part time after DC. DH has always been self-employed. Re-trained. Does well in this new role but it doesn’t pay as well as mine. He is a great husband and father in lots of ways but he hasn’t pulled his weight at home (just doesn’t see it as important) so I’ve carried the load for a long time. I got burnt out. We nearly split over that and his parenting at times is way too harsh - not social services level harsh - but close. He’s also lost his temper really badly with me a few times. He’s shoved me. But he’s a good man at heart who behaved in unacceptable ways and he got therapy and things are much better now. He’s really changing.

I’m changing too - I don’t ‘nag’ so much for example (aka I don’t remind him to do the things that just need doing anymore!). But he found that triggering. He does more now so we are getting into a more virtuous rather than vicious cycle.

PIL don’t see all that. I assume they don’t know most of it. They just know his version - probably something like ‘I work so hard but she’s always on at me and now she’s talking about splitting up if things don’t change’. So if that’s the version they have then I can see why they’d be protective of him and feel aggrieved at me.

If I do nothing, nothing will get done in terms of their birthday gift. I would feel awful then though. I know I probably should go with his suggestion. It would be the kind, generous thing to do. I just feel a bit ‘meh’ about it when usually I’d love treating them 😔

OP posts:
LookingOldTheseDays · 11/02/2023 08:30

Are you really expecting them to give you the same level of gift they give their own DC?

I wouldn't expect cash from my ILs to be honest, so I don't really understand why it's a problem that he got a card and cash but not you.

Do you expect them to reward you for being the higher earner?

LookingOldTheseDays · 11/02/2023 08:32

The issues you have with your DH are a totally separate issue to what your ILs get you for Xmas etc.

Your ILs are not responsible for his behaviour.

Original poster
Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 08:32

Alexandernevermind

yeah. Kind of I think. i think I sometimes feel jealous too. I love my job but it exhausts me. I’d quite like to explore something more hands on or creative but I’m trapped as the stable earner with a pension as without my job we would be in perilous situation. Still more work to do in our relationship!!

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 11/02/2023 08:34

I'd try and suck it up this one time, go for the big generous gift and see how it goes down / what happens going forward. You say yourself that you'll feel guilty if they don't get a nice gift, so one last effort and if there's no change in how they treat you then you can decide what to do for the future.