To not feel generous enough to do this…

[Distractedatdawn]

NC as outing.

Been married 15 years. Originally PIL bought both me and DH thoughtful gifts at Xmas and often money to share.

DH and I have been though a rough patch. I suspect, but don’t know, he’s told them his version of events. I suspect he won’t have told them about some of his less desirable actions. We are in a better place now but still need to work at things.

I am the main earner. I earn 3 times what DH earns. DH has been able to pursue his self employed ideas and do what he enjoys. Often unsuccessfully in terms of finances.

PIL are welL off and a couple of years ago gave all their children a large lump sum that has helped us to pay off our mortgage. Hugely grateful. We (I) thanked them by buying vouchers to stay and have food at a fancy hotel I remembered they like.

Here is my AIBU:
Since DH and I have been struggling I’ve noticed a downgrade in how they treat me. They are still nice to me but don’t give as much in terms gestures of caring.

Christmas- we got joint presents of food - not a hamper - just gift bags with food in. Some nice chocs but basically a food shop - TBH I suspect they are re-gifting some stuff they don’t want from their pantry but I can’t be sure. They don’t look like very carefully selected items. I don’t mind. I’m not that fussed on gifts. DH got given a special card of his own with money in it. It felt pointed.

This isn’t the only example of me getting different treatment from their DC and from before. It’s a shift.

They have a significant birthday coming up. DH wants us to buy them a trip away - weekend somewhere.

I am not feeling that generous…AIBU?

@DotAndCarryOne2

He’s slagged her off to his parents

how do you know? Does she actually say that?

I wonder if @DotAndCarryOne2 has painted their own picture of how they WANT the situation to be without any confirmation of most of the aspersions, and most replies are assuming that this picture is correct therefore piling in with a total blackening of the name of DH and IL's .

It wasn’t really a question of ‘man vultures’ in respect of what the OP was posting - not saying they weren’t judgemental, I agree, including my own, but they were based on the information given. I don’t hate men, I was married to a kind and generous one for forty years. If that’s how you interpret my comments, that’s on you. And I’m not quoting you to have the last word, so please, feel free to ‘let me have it’ as much as you like !!

dogmandu · Today 12.42

He’s slagged her off to his parents

how do you know? Does she actually say that?

PIL don’t see all that. I assume they don’t know most of it. They just know his version - probably something like ‘I work so hard but she’s always on at me and now she’s talking about splitting up if things don’t change’. So if that’s the version they have then I can see why they’d be protective of him and feel aggrieved at me.

That’s what she seems to be saying here. Nothing to do with how I WANT the situation to be - responding to the information contained in the OP’s posts, as are others.

You are being ridiculous and quite shockingly grabby. Of course they are going to pick their son over you if you have been having troubles. These people paid off your mortgage but you won’t let your husband treat them because they didn’t get you chocolate biscuits and you hold the purse string. God you sound awful.

I don't think they're being less generous with gifts for you because you're struggling more with cost of living – that's a very odd and warped assumption to leap to. I think the cost of living could simply be affecting them too. Even well-off people are having to majorly scale back lavishness at the moment.

My parents are very good to both of us, but always prioritise me. It could be because I'm a woman though and women often get the short shrift in terms of finances, career choices, etc in a marriage partnership, especially if it all goes tits up. Not sure how it would play out if I were a man or if that would be relevant.

OP wasn’t referring to the cost of living, she was referring to struggling in their marriage.

Have you missed the fact that the OP treated them quite generously herself when they gave her DH the lump sum ? The issue isn’t so much that they’re picking their son’s side because of the trouble in their marriage, it’s the shift in PIL behaviour towards the OP, which she perceives as based on DH’s side of the story alone. He’s been abusive to the OP and towards his children. Do you think if he’d disclosed this to the PIL they’d be condoning it and blaming the OP ?

Ah sorry just reread. She referenced her and DH's respective earning ratio so my mind jumped there at first.

You don't have to participate in any gifting. Just start the divorce proceedings tomorrow. The marriage is either that bad, or it isn't.
And if it's not, then pipe down with the drama and carry on as usual.

You seem very nice !!

I would agree the holiday sounds nice, then do nothing, if he asks what you have organised I'd say oh, "didn't you organise it yet ?" or "you never told me your budget? "

Out if their joint account?

Or is it only financial abuse when the higher earning man wants to keep his salary to himself?

This is not a situation that necessitates "nice".

If it really is that bad (meek, shit-stirring husband, hostile inlaws & problems with the marriage itself), I would be planning a divorce, not waste energy on gifts/ no gifts.

If it's not worthy of a divorce, then I'd pipe down with the whole unreasonable and precious drama and choose to keep some sort of decent relationship with the inlaws going by keeping things neutral.

I chose the first option. No contact with the inlaws first, then the divorce. I couldn't be arsed with all the negativity. If that makes me not "nice" - great. Other women can keep their "nice".