To not feel generous enough to do this…

[Distractedatdawn]

NC as outing.

Been married 15 years. Originally PIL bought both me and DH thoughtful gifts at Xmas and often money to share.

DH and I have been though a rough patch. I suspect, but don’t know, he’s told them his version of events. I suspect he won’t have told them about some of his less desirable actions. We are in a better place now but still need to work at things.

I am the main earner. I earn 3 times what DH earns. DH has been able to pursue his self employed ideas and do what he enjoys. Often unsuccessfully in terms of finances.

PIL are welL off and a couple of years ago gave all their children a large lump sum that has helped us to pay off our mortgage. Hugely grateful. We (I) thanked them by buying vouchers to stay and have food at a fancy hotel I remembered they like.

Here is my AIBU:
Since DH and I have been struggling I’ve noticed a downgrade in how they treat me. They are still nice to me but don’t give as much in terms gestures of caring.

Christmas- we got joint presents of food - not a hamper - just gift bags with food in. Some nice chocs but basically a food shop - TBH I suspect they are re-gifting some stuff they don’t want from their pantry but I can’t be sure. They don’t look like very carefully selected items. I don’t mind. I’m not that fussed on gifts. DH got given a special card of his own with money in it. It felt pointed.

This isn’t the only example of me getting different treatment from their DC and from before. It’s a shift.

They have a significant birthday coming up. DH wants us to buy them a trip away - weekend somewhere.

I am not feeling that generous…AIBU?

If you really want to withdraw from their generosity circle, give them back the mortgage lump sum. Or ring fence it for your husband so it is not part of your financial life.

I couldn’t be with a man I earn 3 x more than, TBH - nor would I want to be with a man who earns 3 x more than me. Unequal earnings will always create a certain amount of resentment and a power imbalance, whether you acknowledge it or not.

If I do nothing, nothing will get done in terms of their birthday gift.

So do nothing. Presents for his family is definitely a place he can start stepping up. As an aside paying for a weekend away as a gift is very generous, do people actually do this?

I think you need to rise above it, be the better person, act graciously in face of blah blah blah and just organise/arrange it as you normally would.

It's great they paid off your mortgage but something like that can never be a gift entirely without strings, even unspoken ones.

You've seen from this thread that people aren't generally with you on this (I am) so I think you probably have to accept it and move past it.

If you want to salvage your relationship with dh (and his parents) then talk him about it.

And be up front with PILs that you’re sorting through some marital issues, you’re upset that they seem to have taken dh’s side, you appreciate their support for you both in the past and don’t want your good relationship with them to sour.

Just be honest and adult about it instead of all the loaded gift giving. Making a point with gifts (or lack of) is not the way forward. It’s passive aggressive nonsense.

Have you learnt nothing in therapy? 😬

I also agree with those saying stop putting everything in joint finances. You’re husband sounds like a feckless lazy loser. Who is used it being carried by you.

out in an agreed amount in the joint pot to pay essentials. And put the rest away in your own account.

Are you posting on the right thread?

He seems to enjoy being part of her financial life while he’s spunking OPs money up the wall with all of his failed “business ventures”. Perhaps OP could weigh up the years and years of financial sponging from him and the mortgage money and see what’s what..maybe they could have paid the mortgage off on their own if this hobbiest businessman had knuckled down and put some effort into providing for his family?

perhaps they are feeling the pinch, as with plenty of others.
dont be mean

Loads of great and sound advice there and some really lovely and empathic responses. Thank you 🙏 Some harsh but fair posts which have given me pause to think 🙏 and some pretty mean ones who haven’t read my posts fully, but I appreciate you taking the time nonetheless.

I like the idea of talking directly to them and asking if I’ve done something to upset them. This is the grown up and sensible option. But, when DH raised something with them a while ago all hell broke loose. They are ‘brush it under the carpet’ types. They have lots of unresolved childhood trauma that they are suppressing with an ‘everything is fine’ smile. They are lovely lovely people but rarely emotionally congruent. If I spoke to them directly it would trigger them into defensiveness and put further strain on our marriage. I don’t think, in this case, it’s the best thing to do for DC sake apart from anything else.

I could raise it with DH but we have bigger fish to fry. I need to have an uncomfortable conversation with him about our ongoing issues so I think I need to put this to one side.

Given all that, I think from all the wonderful advice so far, my approach will be to do what I would have done. They are lovely people, they have one side of the story only and are responding to that in an understandable way. It’s not fair that I’ve been branded the ‘bad one’ (if that’s what’s happened) and their shift in behaviour towards me hurts, but I will just end up feeling shit if I don’t behave true to myself.

Thank you all.

Oh and I’m not ready to LTB but will if things don’t keep on the path they are on now, don’t worry. I know where my lines are but I also understand humans aren’t black and white. Good and bad. Some behaviours are unacceptable though. There has been considerable change and I’m clear now on what has gone on, why and what needs to stay in place for me and DC.

Thank you to all who took time to post. Helpful as always to come to the MN wise people. 🙏

“If I do nothing, nothing will get done in terms of their birthday gift. I would feel awful then though”

@Distractedatdawn your answer is right there in your post!

Say, “yes dear - good present idea, go ahead.”

Even with the lessening of gifts to you, I think that as they paid off your mortgage 😳 it’s churlish to not get them a good gift now.

But part of what your husband is supposedly working on is sharing more of the load. And you not nagging. So fine - he can sort out the present. Then you don’t have to feel resentful that you’re doing it when they’ve downgraded you. Just pay for it - but, mortgage 🤷🏻‍♀️

I actually wouldn’t be too harsh in your mind on them. They think you’re threatening to leave him. They don’t know that he has physically assaulted you and is a fucking arsehole to his kids. Not sure why he is a valid “work in progress” tbh.

If they hadn’t paid off your mortgage I’d say no expensive gift on your dime, but they did.

I wouldn’t mention the downgrade in gifting - as you say here, people wrongly latch on to calling you materialistic. You could tell them what a nasty piece of shit he is to their grandchildren though 🤷🏻‍♀️ and how he hurt you.

Honestly I’d cut him loose, and sure you’ll lose a chunk of your pension to the cocklodger but hurrah that you’ll gain some of his parents’ money in the house.

Don’t expect them to like you.

But whatever you do - let him do what he’s supposed to be doing now as a “work in progress ” and sort out the present himself.

Don’t be such a mug!

Tell your DH you’ve noticed a considerable change in how his parents treat you, and from now on all gifts for his family are his responsibility to pay for and organise.

Its completely ridiculous that a grown man expects his wife to do this under any circumstances.

Also work out exactly what your financial contribution to the household has been since you married compared with DH’s (including money from PIL). I suspect it will be more equal or even show you’ve paid more than you realise if you earn so much more than him. Perhaps that will help you feel less obliged to them.

Agreed. We pool money for the joint bills - but family presents etc come out of our own separate accounts. But if he doesn’t normally actually organise the gift then simply leave it up to him. If no gift, it’s his problem. I’ve shifted to that.

From what I can see, and I’ve read the whole thread, the people who aren’t ‘with’ the OP haven’t actually grasped the point and are focusing far too much on the PIL’s financial contribution, when it’s been explained several times that it’s not the material things, but the shift in attitude.

There is no problem if that was the norm. But it wasn’t the norm and it’s the implied reason for why the change, that is upsetting the op. I’d be upset too.

FFS read the thread !!!

This. Absolutely. Yay, someone gets it !!!

This is really hard OP. Have you spoken to your H about the hurt you feel over their treatment of you. Does he know you see this and feel it? If so, can he explain it? (Actually it may be because I've been moaning about you...).

Unfortunately now is not the time to discuss it. It should have been discussed when you got the presents at Christmas.

If you can afford it, I'd be tempted to do his idea but then discuss that in buying them a gift it's brought up how you feel that they don't have a good opinion of you or love you in the way they used to. In a really vulnerable way ie. You feel like their opinion of you has changed. Has he noticed? Etc.

Your husband sounds horrible, your marriage sounds miserable and all this soul-searching about presents sounds like a displacement activity. Put your emotional labour where it is needed, ie thinking about the kind of future you want with your children. If you're fond of your PILs and would like to keep their friendship, ask them out for lunch separately and talk to them from the heart. If not, remove your focus from them and on to yourself and how you can get a happier life. You deserve happiness, and you clearly have all the skills you need. Good luck 👍 💓

No, it won’t. Not always.

We were just discussing this the other night. I was explaining to GS that you need to be careful what you tell parents/family if you are having issues with your partner. The truth is you might forgive/forget/get back to normal. The parents won't, if it comes to it except in the most extreme circumstances they will back their child and find it hard to forgive the partner.

I'm not sure what is the best way to move forward but it is obviously hurtful as you haven't had an issue with them but they now have an issue with you.

Good luck.

Would you give about the same to your parents op (if they are in the picture)?

Your mortgage is paid of so that in itself is a gift that keeps giving in terms of the money saved on payments particularly in light of the high interest rates.
They still get you something and are nice to you so be gracious and I would stop comparing it to what you used to get etc.

PIL are welL off and a couple of years ago gave all their children a large lump sum that has helped us to pay off our mortgage. Hugely grateful. We (I) thanked them by buying vouchers to stay and have food at a fancy hotel I remembered they like.

You lost me here, if I gave my children money I wouldn’t expect them to thank me by spending presumably a decent amount on a fancy hotel and food.

I think you all need to pare it down, your gifting seems excessive. Their upcoming gift, can’t it be between all their children rather than just you and your DH? You say you don’t care about the what but the change. If you really didn’t care about the what then you would have no complaints apart from it generally being a crappy gift, who buys their children and their family food for a gift when you know they can easily afford it? That’s the weird part. I’d rather have nothing than be gifted a food shop for Christmas or birthday gifts.

Oh and I agree say yes as they’ve gifted you such a large sum, but let dh organise it to lesson your resentment - also to share the mental workload. Two birds with one stone.