To not feel generous enough to do this…

[Distractedatdawn]

NC as outing.

Been married 15 years. Originally PIL bought both me and DH thoughtful gifts at Xmas and often money to share.

DH and I have been though a rough patch. I suspect, but don’t know, he’s told them his version of events. I suspect he won’t have told them about some of his less desirable actions. We are in a better place now but still need to work at things.

I am the main earner. I earn 3 times what DH earns. DH has been able to pursue his self employed ideas and do what he enjoys. Often unsuccessfully in terms of finances.

PIL are welL off and a couple of years ago gave all their children a large lump sum that has helped us to pay off our mortgage. Hugely grateful. We (I) thanked them by buying vouchers to stay and have food at a fancy hotel I remembered they like.

Here is my AIBU:
Since DH and I have been struggling I’ve noticed a downgrade in how they treat me. They are still nice to me but don’t give as much in terms gestures of caring.

Christmas- we got joint presents of food - not a hamper - just gift bags with food in. Some nice chocs but basically a food shop - TBH I suspect they are re-gifting some stuff they don’t want from their pantry but I can’t be sure. They don’t look like very carefully selected items. I don’t mind. I’m not that fussed on gifts. DH got given a special card of his own with money in it. It felt pointed.

This isn’t the only example of me getting different treatment from their DC and from before. It’s a shift.

They have a significant birthday coming up. DH wants us to buy them a trip away - weekend somewhere.

I am not feeling that generous…AIBU?

Nah. Don’t misunderstand a thing - just fundamentally disagree.

you say lazy, abusive and OP bailing out.that ISNT WHAT SHE SAID. He has multiple failed businesses - he isn’t successful we can agree but your take is that he watches Jeremy Kyle all day.

Change around the gender roles and the replies would be ‘you’re a team, don’t be such a wanker to her parents, she’s trying’

its a joke.

I think you must be confusing me with someone else as I've never mentioned returning the money. Nor by stating the legal position regarding home ownership am I 'twisting' anything.
I have at no point defended the H, and agree completely with your opinion of him.
But, the thread is about OPs relationship with his parents, isn't it, which you seem to be struggling to separate from the failings of their son.

Absolute cobblers.

I'd fully expect in-laws to prefer their own child to a daughter- or son-in-law. But a pointed change in their attitudes showing marked disapproval for the in-law is intended to be pointed, and the OP is not being unreasonable or 'materialistic' in noticing that intended slight, and being hurt by it.

I would not spare the finances for this trip in your position, OP. Equally, I would not put myself under obligation to them by accepting any further monetary gifts.

If your DP has turned them against you by running to him with your private issues, then I'd view this as a betrayal and see no harm in letting him feel the consequences of his actions. Perhaps he'll keep his trap shut and sort out any problems between the two of you in future.

YANBU.

FFS !!!

I’ll caveat that I certainly haven’t invested my life in this thread, so if it has been drip fed with extra info and I’m missing something not in post 1 then fair do’s

This absolutely THIS.

he is NOT a home maker or stay at home parent who cooks, cleans, does the housework, mental load, home admin and childcare and the million other things a stay at home mum traditionally does.

Comparing this man to a SAHP is insulting to SAHP’s!

Yep. And in addition to him feeling the consequences of his actions, I don’t see why PIL shouldn’t feel the same for theirs in accepting without question that their Whiney little DS has told them the whole story, and treating the OP accordingly.

Do you know or can you find out whether the kind of gifts given to their other children’s partners have stayed the same or been downgraded? Are you the only one out of everyone who is suddenly getting a different type/value of gift? Have you asked him what he has said about you to his parents? I think it could be possible your husband has been telling tales, and they are likely to side with him.

You say they are wealthy but is this still the case after they have paid off mortgages for their children? Maybe they are feeling the pinch? My parents buy less generous gifts now they are retired, but they always told us this would be the case.

I would discuss with your husband an amount you are comfortable with for the gift, and he can match it or put more in if he would like. You are financially in a very fortunate position thanks to his parents, their gift has freed up a lot of money, so he has also contributed financially even though you out-earn him.

Had it been a low earning woman and a high earning man then it would, in MN terms, been 'family money'.

Indeed. I'd not feel inclined to tell any fellow Mumsnet member they seem like a 'horrible person' in any event. We are strangers on the internet. I don't know them, and they don't know me.

Ad hominem attacks devalue both the threads and the person posting them. They say more about that person than they do the OP. It's not big, powerful and clever to hand someone's arse to them rather than merely say you think their actions and wrong and give a reason.

Tedious, and a waste of column space.

This. Totally this. They are his parents, he can pay for them as he is now the chosen one ☝️

OP said over multiple posts that he has had several attempts at turning something he enjoys into self employment, has failed, and she has had to shoulder the financial responsibility for that until he retrained and is now doing better. She also said he hasn’t pulled his weight at home, has been abusive to her and the children, and the to top it off has gone whining to his parents about their marital problems. He may be ‘trying’ in your estimation, but if he’s told half a story to his parents and is now standing back while they treat her differently as a result, then he’s not trying very hard is he ? And I’ll lay a pound to a penny he hasn’t told them about the physical abuse because very few parents would condone that in their son, or lay the blame at their daughter in laws’ door. Might not be Jeremy Kyle, but it’s not far off.

Absolutely but you know how so many MN's bend themselves out of shape to excuse the most odious of men.

He's an aggressive lazy man that is only a step down from SS needing to be involved to protect his children.. ffs🙄.

He's lived off his wife whilst she carries the financial and caring, mental load and household responsibilities.

He's the type of aggressive scum that shoves his wife too....

........but none of that will deter the defenders of him on MN.🙄🙄

Just wanted to say that my in laws give me an equal amount of cash and gifts for birthdays and Christmas as DH. If they suddenly stopped of course I would be wondering what I have done to upset them too. I'd never have expected it in the beginning but to suddenly stop absolutely does have meaning imo. Not sure why people are saying if course you shouldn't get the same.

Did you actually read the card your DH got? Just because in my case we used to get separate cards with cash in, but sometimes we get a fancier card that is addressed to both of us inside. I wouldn't put it past your DH to not make that clear it was for both of you.

At the point when his parents gave the money to clear the loan, they could have requested that the deeds were drawn up differently so their son owned a greater percentage of the house.

And I’m sure the OP would have been more than happy for DH to claim a bigger percentage of the home she’s kept over their heads for 15 years with minimal contribution from him. Who wouldn’t ?

I’d tell your husband you don’t feel disposed to spend that sort of money on his parents while you have this tension between you and them due to him telling them his version of events. Then maybe he might try to improve the relationship between them and you ?

You are financially in a very fortunate position thanks to his parents, their gift has freed up a lot of money, so he has also contributed financially even though you out-earn him

You’re making a lot of assumptions here. We don’t know how much the lump sum was, or how much was left on the mortgage. And do you not think that they are in a fortunate position just as much thanks to the OP’s hard work in keeping the roof over their heads for the last 15 years by paying the mortgage without much input from DH ?

Get them a nice gift bag filled with fancy food stuff. So you can insult them covertly and they will sound grabby and deranged if they complain to anyone. Just like they have done to you at Christmas. It sounds like that was snide and calculated behaviour from them.

Not if the low earning woman had behaved in the same way as this man it wouldn’t !!

When you accepted the handout and used it for joint benefit (he could have used it to own a larger share of the house. They could have made that the terms of the gift)

How can DH own a bigger share of the house when the OP has been paying the mortgage for 15 years without much input from him ? He only owns 50% by default because his name is on the mortgage, not by actually earning it. If I were the OP, and this had been suggested, I’d have told them what they could do with their ‘handout’ !!

You’re a man, so I’m 100% not surprised by that.

He's likely bad mouthed you to them during the rough patch.

Let him pay for the expensive holiday

ApiratesaysYarrr Imagine if the man was the higher earner AND dealt with everything domestically* *AND childcare related too. Can you imagine that? Nah, me neither. So it's not a fair switcheroo is it? Nope.
Op, he should be sorting his own parents present out anyway, you know, taking on some of the mental load. Money wise, if you have been happy to shoulder financial responsibility for years then perhaps its time for a sit down to discuss him pulling his weight more financially.
Though, he's abusive to you and your children, does whatever the fuck he wants employment wise and has done fuck all domestically for years. Why are you doing this? Perhaps it's time to do a little work on YOU. I do not know a thing about you but I know you and your children would be better off without this useless, abusive sack of shit.

And again we're conflating two separate issues.
On one hand we have OPs H who has not pulled his weight in the relationship and is clearly a liability on a number of counts. Which is what the OP should be focusing on.
On the other, we have his parents who gave a cash gift to their son AND the OP. They could have said to their son 'we will give you a lump sum to pay off the mortgage, but would like the ownership of the property to reflect that we purchased that proportion for you' or 'we would like you to use this cash to buy an investment property in your name/start another business/travel the world' or anything else that would exclusively benefit their own child. They didn't. They gave a gift that would also benefit the OP.
How the OP and her H have made mortgage repayments within their marriage, and its unfairness to the OP, is nothing to do with his parents, and irrelevant to whether they chose to use THEIR money to solely benefit their son, or to benefit the OP as well.
The thread is not about a free loading H, it's about OP asking whether it's reasonable to not be generous to people who have been generous to her in the past.