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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel generous enough to do this…

242 replies

Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 07:41

NC as outing.

Been married 15 years. Originally PIL bought both me and DH thoughtful gifts at Xmas and often money to share.

DH and I have been though a rough patch. I suspect, but don’t know, he’s told them his version of events. I suspect he won’t have told them about some of his less desirable actions. We are in a better place now but still need to work at things.

I am the main earner. I earn 3 times what DH earns. DH has been able to pursue his self employed ideas and do what he enjoys. Often unsuccessfully in terms of finances.

PIL are welL off and a couple of years ago gave all their children a large lump sum that has helped us to pay off our mortgage. Hugely grateful. We (I) thanked them by buying vouchers to stay and have food at a fancy hotel I remembered they like.

Here is my AIBU:
Since DH and I have been struggling I’ve noticed a downgrade in how they treat me. They are still nice to me but don’t give as much in terms gestures of caring.

Christmas- we got joint presents of food - not a hamper - just gift bags with food in. Some nice chocs but basically a food shop - TBH I suspect they are re-gifting some stuff they don’t want from their pantry but I can’t be sure. They don’t look like very carefully selected items. I don’t mind. I’m not that fussed on gifts. DH got given a special card of his own with money in it. It felt pointed.

This isn’t the only example of me getting different treatment from their DC and from before. It’s a shift.

They have a significant birthday coming up. DH wants us to buy them a trip away - weekend somewhere.

I am not feeling that generous…AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 08:34

LookingOldTheseDays

Please read my other posts. I don’t want or expect anything. It’s the change. It feels like I’m being punished for being a ‘bad wife’ to him.

OP posts:
EsmeSusanOgg · 11/02/2023 08:34

AlwaysGinPlease · 11/02/2023 07:44

Let him pay for it. See how that works out for him.

This

LookingOldTheseDays · 11/02/2023 08:35

Dammitthisisshit · 11/02/2023 08:05

Do you pool money or not?

if you do, and the fact that the chunk of money the PILs gifted paid off your joint mortgage suggests you do then you can’t suddenly not pool money now.

I expect to be treated differently to DH by the in-laws, I’m not their daughter.

Show quote history

This sums it up to me. Your ILs have done nothing wrong.

You have some separate issues with your DH and marriage, which need working on (although I'm not sure I'd forgive a man who shoved me), but that is separate to your ILs. They haven't treated you poorly, he has.

CatherinedeBourgh · 11/02/2023 08:35

I wouldn't stop him getting it, but I wouldn't lift a finger towards it.

It's not the money you resent (I hope, given that in money terms you are well up on the relationship with them), but the effort and the caring.

So downgrade your effort and caring (to zero) but let your dh use the joint money to buy them the present.

If you always carry the mental load and take care of the bulk of the practicalities, I predict a less effort intensive gift might happen. If your dh steps up and organises everything beautifully, he has shown that he is well capable of organising all your holidays from now on.

deeperthanallroses · 11/02/2023 08:35

LookingOldTheseDays · 11/02/2023 08:32

The issues you have with your DH are a totally separate issue to what your ILs get you for Xmas etc.

Your ILs are not responsible for his behaviour.

No, they are responsible for theirs though. It’s natural of the op to react. As others have said, it’s not that they get more for their son than his wife- lots of families do that. It’s that they used to do that and now are pointedly getting just him a good present. That’s pretty pointed, and a clear change in behaviour which sends a message.

clpsmum · 11/02/2023 08:35

AlwaysGinPlease · 11/02/2023 07:44

Let him pay for it. See how that works out for him.

This

Pradababe · 11/02/2023 08:35

Hang in there op and I feel your angst. You should decide how you want to proceed in these relationships, and if you want to pay for this sizeable gift.

My inlaws have given us money and tell us so endlessly. I out earn my DH and always have but NEVER talk about that. I am in no ones debt over their choice to GIVE us money, and neither are you.

Give a suitable gift for your current circumstances, and continue to review the dynamics of these relationships. You aren't bitter..be firm and good luck

LookingOldTheseDays · 11/02/2023 08:36

Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 08:34

LookingOldTheseDays

Please read my other posts. I don’t want or expect anything. It’s the change. It feels like I’m being punished for being a ‘bad wife’ to him.

It's your DH that is ultimately behind that shift though, isn't it? He has essentially gone and slagged you off to them.

deeperthanallroses · 11/02/2023 08:37

BlastedPimples · 11/02/2023 08:16

What was his behaviour that you think he's told nothing of to his parents?

She’s been pretty clear about that! Not carrying his weight with parenting and housework, emotional load OR financially. Really most people expect their partner to do at least one of these or a fair split. The op must be very tired.

EsmeSusanOgg · 11/02/2023 08:37

user1471538283 · 11/02/2023 08:10

I think they have been clear that you are now a little second best. Which is fine. It is also fine that you return the favour. If your DH wants them to have a generous gift he funds it and not from family money. Everything they have had so far you have contributed more.

I'd also knock pooling money on the head.

This seems wise

Sceptre86 · 11/02/2023 08:41

I would speak to them.Tell them there has been a pointed change in your relationship and you want to know why? Tell them you have realised that something isn't quite the same and you are hurt by their behaviour. If they allude to your relationship issues, tell them that you are disappointed they would hold anything against you especially having only heard one side. I would then enlighten them on their son's behaviour. They might well get more defensive or they might apologise. How they react will be quite telling and inform your relationship going forward.

As for the gift I would propose something less generous and explain to your partner why. It makes it more difficult because you have a joint account when there is such a large discrepancy in your wages, he technically doesn't need your permission to treat his parents even though you earned most of the money. This is why I would only ever consider joint accounts for bills.

Draconis · 11/02/2023 08:41

This is all down to your dh. He's put you in such a bad light that they think very little of you.
You could see buying the gift as purely financial - they saved you from all those mortgage payments so I guess paying them a bit more 'back' isn't such a bad thing.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 08:42

MarieRoseMarie · 11/02/2023 07:51

Also I’d be giving gifts to my son separately as well if his wife was holding her salary over his head.

Did you bother to read the post properly because you missed an important detail ? The fact that she earns more than him has allowed him to pursue self employed ideas and do what he enjoys, and it sounds as though the OP has financed quite a bit of financial failure on his part. She’s not holding it over his had, or complaining, she’s providing detail and context. If she didn’t, she’d likely be jumped on for drip feeding. She mentioned several times that it’s not the gifts themselves that bother her, it’s the shift in attitude that it signifies, which is possibly as a result of DH sharing the details of their recent difficulties - or his version of them - with his family. As far as I can see, the perception is that they’ve taken his side and clearly made some assumptions without considering her side of things. It’s not about what’s gone before or being grateful for past gifts, it’s about the OP not feeling inclined to indulge them in light of how they’re treating her.

FiveShelties · 11/02/2023 08:42

Perhaps you could take the cost of their present out of the large lump sum they gave you.

CrapBucket · 11/02/2023 08:43

I totally and utterly get it. But - you are deciding whether to continue with these relationships with DH and PIL. If you want to stay together, you can't harbour resentment over situations like this. It will poison your soul and change your personality. So pay for it with grace and generosity, and be the sort of person that you want to be.

Or - don't pay for it and insist on things being fairer.... the logical end result of that, is being single, because your DH isn't actually deserving of you.

I realise this sounds harsh, but its what it boils down to imo. Fwiw I left someone after 20+ years of marriage so I'm not saying this glibly. Good luck.

Madamecastafiore · 11/02/2023 08:46

I'd address it directly with PIL and ask them if you've done anything wrong. What they've given you previously is irrelevant what they're doing now isn't.

You can at least then set the record straight if your H has told lies about the situation or get an answer to why their behaviour has so drastically changed.

It may cause a rumpus with your H but that's on him if he has been dishonest about why you're having problems.

In families openness and honesty is paramount to avoid situations like this or it breeds the sort of resentment you're feeling now which will creep into your everyday interactions with them and cause you ongoing stress.

Have you asked your FH why he thinks their behaviour towards you has changed?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2023 08:46

Staying with someone who’s shoved you is a mistake. He’s got big issues and he might be finally trying to change but it sounds like you and the kids would be better off without the angry lazy man child.

You don’t know what he’s told his parents but given his behaviour towards you I imagine it was awful. I don’t blame them for responding with slight coldness to you, I blame him for being an absolute dick.

gelatogina · 11/02/2023 08:46

Wow they paid off your mortgage and you are sour about the fact your biscuits weren’t chocolate covered ones?

maybe they are pulling back as they sense your ingratitude…

tillyoumakeit · 11/02/2023 08:46

Have you spoken to your DH about this? What does he say about the change in attitude/treatment? Can you say to him that you are worried they think less of you because of how he's portrayed you?

I think in your position I would take the moral high ground and buy the sort of gift you usually would.

FatSealSmugSoup · 11/02/2023 08:46

If someone paid off my mortgage I think I could find it in my cold, black heart to forgive a carrier bag of value beans.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 11/02/2023 08:47

CatherinedeBourgh · 11/02/2023 08:35

I wouldn't stop him getting it, but I wouldn't lift a finger towards it.

It's not the money you resent (I hope, given that in money terms you are well up on the relationship with them), but the effort and the caring.

So downgrade your effort and caring (to zero) but let your dh use the joint money to buy them the present.

If you always carry the mental load and take care of the bulk of the practicalities, I predict a less effort intensive gift might happen. If your dh steps up and organises everything beautifully, he has shown that he is well capable of organising all your holidays from now on.

This.

Although there is no way that I would stay in a marriage where my husband had been violent towards me and his treatment of the kids is not quite bad enough to get social services involved.

And that is without the whole lazy man child bit.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 08:49

FlowerArranger · 11/02/2023 08:01

Is it possible that your husband may be planning to exit the marriage and his parents don't want to sink funds into a sinking ship?

Was kind of waiting for someone to suggest this - and after the OP has already said they’re in a better place because he’s stepped up and is doing more.

Bunce1 · 11/02/2023 08:50

Mumoftwoinprimary · 11/02/2023 08:47

This.

Although there is no way that I would stay in a marriage where my husband had been violent towards me and his treatment of the kids is not quite bad enough to get social services involved.

And that is without the whole lazy man child bit.

Show quote history

This ^^

TetherEndOfMy · 11/02/2023 08:50

The way you've tallied up the rubbish gifts then said you're not fussed about gifts tells me you really are fussed by gifts.

LookingOldTheseDays · 11/02/2023 08:51

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 08:49

Was kind of waiting for someone to suggest this - and after the OP has already said they’re in a better place because he’s stepped up and is doing more.

Show quote history

His parents don't necessarily know that though, do they? All they know is what he told them when things were rough. They may well be thinking that the marriage could have a shelf life (whether or not this is reasonable is a separate question).

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