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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel generous enough to do this…

242 replies

Distractedatdawn · 11/02/2023 07:41

NC as outing.

Been married 15 years. Originally PIL bought both me and DH thoughtful gifts at Xmas and often money to share.

DH and I have been though a rough patch. I suspect, but don’t know, he’s told them his version of events. I suspect he won’t have told them about some of his less desirable actions. We are in a better place now but still need to work at things.

I am the main earner. I earn 3 times what DH earns. DH has been able to pursue his self employed ideas and do what he enjoys. Often unsuccessfully in terms of finances.

PIL are welL off and a couple of years ago gave all their children a large lump sum that has helped us to pay off our mortgage. Hugely grateful. We (I) thanked them by buying vouchers to stay and have food at a fancy hotel I remembered they like.

Here is my AIBU:
Since DH and I have been struggling I’ve noticed a downgrade in how they treat me. They are still nice to me but don’t give as much in terms gestures of caring.

Christmas- we got joint presents of food - not a hamper - just gift bags with food in. Some nice chocs but basically a food shop - TBH I suspect they are re-gifting some stuff they don’t want from their pantry but I can’t be sure. They don’t look like very carefully selected items. I don’t mind. I’m not that fussed on gifts. DH got given a special card of his own with money in it. It felt pointed.

This isn’t the only example of me getting different treatment from their DC and from before. It’s a shift.

They have a significant birthday coming up. DH wants us to buy them a trip away - weekend somewhere.

I am not feeling that generous…AIBU?

OP posts:
Hongkongsuey · 11/02/2023 08:53

If you out earn your husband by 3 times and have your mortgage paid off due to the generosity of your in laws, I can’t see why you’re getting excited about chocolate biscuits. You have enough money to buy yourself what you want, surely?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 08:53

FatSealSmugSoup · 11/02/2023 08:46

If someone paid off my mortgage I think I could find it in my cold, black heart to forgive a carrier bag of value beans.

Would you not consider that contribution to have been balanced out by the ‘cold black heart’ picking up the tab for DH’s failed efforts at combining enjoyment with self employment. It’s really depressing that so many people on here are seeing the money as the most important issue and not the shift in attitude.

Hongkongsuey · 11/02/2023 08:54

And I’m assuming the money they gave you was far in excess of a trip away? Treat them.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 08:55

Hongkongsuey · 11/02/2023 08:53

If you out earn your husband by 3 times and have your mortgage paid off due to the generosity of your in laws, I can’t see why you’re getting excited about chocolate biscuits. You have enough money to buy yourself what you want, surely?

Not the point. At. All.

BlastedPimples · 11/02/2023 08:55

@gelatogina you have missed the point.

It's the not gifts. It is the shift in attitude.

Clearly her husband has been slagging her off to them without giving the full picture. An act of disloyalty in itself.

CrystalCoco · 11/02/2023 08:55

gelatogina · 11/02/2023 08:46

Wow they paid off your mortgage and you are sour about the fact your biscuits weren’t chocolate covered ones?

maybe they are pulling back as they sense your ingratitude…

Have you even actually read this thread? 🙄

FatSealSmugSoup · 11/02/2023 08:56

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 08:53

Would you not consider that contribution to have been balanced out by the ‘cold black heart’ picking up the tab for DH’s failed efforts at combining enjoyment with self employment. It’s really depressing that so many people on here are seeing the money as the most important issue and not the shift in attitude.

Show quote history

Tbf I got rid of my “useless cock-lodger”, so yes, I do have experience on that side too. Except I earned 7x his salary and STILL had to pay nursery fees despite the fact he was home all day (worked 3hrs/day finished by 9).

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 08:57

Hongkongsuey · 11/02/2023 08:54

And I’m assuming the money they gave you was far in excess of a trip away? Treat them.

Do you think it was in excess of the number of times the OP has financially bailed out her DH from failed business attempts ?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 09:01

FatSealSmugSoup · 11/02/2023 08:56

Tbf I got rid of my “useless cock-lodger”, so yes, I do have experience on that side too. Except I earned 7x his salary and STILL had to pay nursery fees despite the fact he was home all day (worked 3hrs/day finished by 9).

Show quote history

Sorry, how is that relevant unless you’re supporting the OP ? Which you clearly weren’t.

Fancysauce · 11/02/2023 09:01

*For years I struggled with a full time very emotionally demanding job then went part time after DC. DH has always been self-employed. Re-trained. Does well in this new role but it doesn’t pay as well as mine. He is a great husband and father in lots of ways but he hasn’t pulled his weight at home (just doesn’t see it as important) so I’ve carried the load for a long time. I got burnt out. We nearly split over that and his parenting at times is way too harsh - not social services level harsh - but close. He’s also lost his temper really badly with me a few times. He’s shoved me. But he’s a good man at heart who behaved in unacceptable ways and he got therapy and things are much better now. He’s really changing.

I’m changing too - I don’t ‘nag’ so much for example (aka I don’t remind him to do the things that just need doing anymore!). But he found that triggering. He does more now so we are getting into a more virtuous rather than vicious cycle.*

So he's abusive to you and your children, and now he's got you convinced that you're too blame because being asked to do the laundry is "triggering?"

He's got everyone exactly where he wants them, parents throwing money at him, you bankrolling everything and doing too much of everything else as well while he faffs around with multiple failed businesses.

I can see what he gets out of this but i can't see what you and the children get out of it.

user1471538283 · 11/02/2023 09:02

If nothing gets done for the gift then nothing gets done. This will bring home to them that's it's you that's done the gift giving etc all these years.

I know it's hard and you are fond of them.

Intrepidescape · 11/02/2023 09:02

They paid off your mortgage!! Don’t blame your in-laws because your husband is utterly useless at earning money!! Divorce him and take the equity for half the house!!

JaceLancs · 11/02/2023 09:04

I would talk to him about the shift in their behaviour to you and see if that helps you decide what to do
Might give you a clue as to what he has been saying about you
I would then give them a reasonable gift but afterwards talk to them about how you would like to get your relationship with them back to how it was
ex DP although an ex would have called out his parents and did so on more than one occasion if he felt they were being unfair to me

ZenNudist · 11/02/2023 09:06

dollymixtured · 11/02/2023 07:46

It seems like the OP was happy enough with the concept of joint money when it was paying off her mortgage.

Show quote history

This. I think DH can pay for it but its all family money. They paid off your mortgage FGS.

Winter2020 · 11/02/2023 09:07

Hi OP,
Only one small part of the picture I know but your husband’s idea of gift giving is escalating unnecessarily. You have gone from a night in a hotel as gratitude for them paying towards your mortgage to a mini break. There is no need for the escalation of gifts - especially as his parents are showing a preference for practical financial help with paying the mortgages and buying groceries. What will be next - taking them on a cruise?

Get them an afternoon tea somewhere nice or lunch on a steam train/tickets to a concert. The usual type of things bought by people on a reasonable income.

Your in laws can choose their own preferred holidays. Maybe your husband is trying to put on a show of affluence? This would be grating if he doesn’t actually pull his weight with finances.

Your marital problems probably came as a big shock to your in laws as they will have been worried about the lump sum they gave you being split in a separation. I know this is unfair as their son is doing well financially from being with you but they will view it as versus him getting the full amount if they left it in their will and he was single/split with you. They took a risk and trusted your relationship to go the distance and are worried they have made the wrong judgement. Just treat them decently but no need to send them off on holiday at your expense.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 11/02/2023 09:09

In your shoes, OP, I would tel your Dh How much you are prepared to put into their present and then he makes up the rest from his money.

If all finances are pooled (which is a crazy idea) I would put a limit on what he can use for a present.

I actually hope you both have separate finances as well as shared money for bills/family stuff and it’s done by % to make things fair. You will obviously have more disposable income for personal matters such as your own family and friends’ birthdays. If not I can only see resentment building. I say this as the much lower earner in our family.

If his family have cooled off towards you, then they’d get the same treatment from me. I’d explain it all to DH and let him decide how to improve matters.

Iamnotalemming · 11/02/2023 09:09

CoffeeBeansGalore · 11/02/2023 07:55

@deeperthanallroses

Well said.

I agree!

WimpoleHat · 11/02/2023 09:09

Could you say something like “Oh, I think your parents are trying to tone down the present buying. Look at Christmas. We don’t want to embarrass them, so maybe a meal out would be better than a weekend…..” Or whatever you’re prepared to go for.

Riverlee · 11/02/2023 09:09

In many ways, your earnings compared to him his a red herring.

The fact of the matter is that, whilst previously your in-laws treated you and dh as equals, there’s now been a distinctive shift in how they view you. It’s not like you’re a new kid on the block, you’ve been married for fifteen years.

Maybe it’s something innocent - they have less money so am prioritising their son. However, they could just buy smaller presents for you both.

I can understand why you feel puzzled and hurt by that.

yomellamoHelly · 11/02/2023 09:10

Would you spend the same amount of money for the same kind of trip for yourself (or better)? If not, then your answer has to be a no.

purser25 · 11/02/2023 09:11

Wonder if the PIL are getting older and confused have noticed this with people and it’s not deliberate.

Sisisimone · 11/02/2023 09:13

Instead of focusing on the gift don't you think you should be finding out exactly what your husband has said to them to cause this shift? He must have said something very significant about you for them to change their behaviour towards you so much

Aishah231 · 11/02/2023 09:14

I wouldn't be feeling generous in your situation either OP. I'd tell him he can buy it out of his spending money. Presumably you both have equal spending money each month? If not I'd start this. It's very easy to be generous when someone else is paying

frazzledasarock · 11/02/2023 09:14

Let him get on with it and pay for the trip for his parents himself.

You don’t have it lump it being treated as a downgraded person.

also stop buying or remembering for their birthdays/Christmas etc.

as for forever being beholden to them for lying a lump sum to their children that enabled your husband to help pay off the joint mortgage, presumably you’ve been paying the bulk of the mortgage off for years as well as paying the bulk of everything. It was the IL’s choice to give that money it doesn’t mean you’re beholden to them. You’ve been paying for a lavish lifestyle for tiger son for years by the sound of it and doing all the domestic drudgery.
you don’t owe your IL’s anything.

if you’re H who’s had a history of dv against you. Y the sound of things on top of all his shit uselessness. Wants to treat his parents, tell him to right ahead out of his own fun money.

stop caring about their feelings, and stop accepting their cheap shit begrudging gifts.

I would heather receive nothing than be insulted with the leftovers from their pantry or different biscuits to their own kids. They’d no doubt be deeply hurt if oyu behaved like that towards them. Why should you take it?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 09:15

LookingOldTheseDays · 11/02/2023 08:35

This sums it up to me. Your ILs have done nothing wrong.

You have some separate issues with your DH and marriage, which need working on (although I'm not sure I'd forgive a man who shoved me), but that is separate to your ILs. They haven't treated you poorly, he has.

Show quote history

He’s clearly been slagging off the OP to his parents and she’s picking up on a clear attitude change from them as a result. He’s compounded his behaviour in the marriage by telling (one sided) tales to mummy and daddy - who have clearly believed him unequivocally and changed their behaviour towards her without even bothering to do some critical thinking. And you don’t think that’s treating her poorly ? And in the OPs position I would stop pooling money because her DH is clearly irresponsible in his expectations. PIL’s contributions to the mortgage are not a reason to let this continue - would be interesting to see how that contribution compares to that of the OP baling out DH’s multiple failed business attempts in light of so many attaching so much importance to that.