Page 8 | AIBU To have kicked my friend and her daughter out at 8pm

Terriblefriend07 · 2023-02-10T21:17:08+00:00

I will try not to drip feed, so might be a long post. I have name changed. My friend and her 4 year old daughter was due to stay this weekend. my DC is has complex health condition which leaves them in hospital when ever they spike a fever or unwell. We try to live life normally the best we can. We have always had rules that If you are sick you do not enter our house. my friend is 100 percent aware of the situation. they arrived this evening with in a few seconds friend announces she has a wee bit of a cough ( I could deal this ) but it was very clear when I heard her that I was a very active new cough and she did not look well. Full of a virus / hacky cough / snot everywhere and bright cheeks. Was miserable and screaming. She then vomited in my hallway and I checked temp which was 39 ! I am an awful friend but I told them they had to leave. The only options were to travel back 3 hours or to go to a local hotel I have them the choice and I would pay for the hotel. I’m angry, she’s angry , we have had a bit of a big fall out and I feel like a terrible friend.

jellybe · 11/02/2023 09:37

You didn't do anything wrong. Even if the illness had come on during the train trip you can't risk your DC being hospitalised.

DomPom47 · 11/02/2023 09:44

You are a great mother advocating for her daughter. She’s a terrible friend for putting you in the position of asking her to leave.
There is no way I would have offered to pay for her hotel. Best wishes to your daughter 💐

Original poster

Terriblefriend07 · 11/02/2023 10:13

Hi
sorry I was just catching up.
I text her this morning to ask and make sure everyone was ok and for a short reply of yes we are on our way to train to go home.

I can fully understand why people would question as to why I have guests in the first place.
when i described DC as having same hospital protocol as oncology it was to highlight some people have more knowledge off however the protocol is the same she doesn’t have the same condition but as vulnerable. The condition is life long and we never know what the future is. We have made decisions on how we love our lives based on the knowledge we have of DC and what outweighs what. HOWEVER always are open and honest about this and what our expectations are. We book holidays with friends and they know they on said say we many not even make it and up to this point we have never had an issue.

OP posts:

DotAndCarryOne2 · 11/02/2023 16:39

MelchiorsMistress · 11/02/2023 08:08

I would give the friend the benefit of the doubt. After a three hour journey, it’s very easily possible that the child was fine when they left home and the friend genuinely had no reason to consider cancelling the visit.

With that in mind, it does seem nasty to make a sick child and her mother leave your home at that time of night when they had no way of getting back to their own home. Why couldn’t you have separated the two children in the two bedrooms and disinfected the bathroom each time the sick child needed it?

I completely understand the protective instinct you had for ye child OP but it wouldn’t have been that difficult to keep her protected by using a bit of infection control for the night. You treated your friend and her child much worse than they treated you.

The OP’s child is immunocompromised and has the same protocols as for oncology. She can’t afford to give the friend ‘the benefit of the doubt’ and infection control/disinfecting the bathroom doesn’t cut it in these situations.

Roundabout78 · 11/02/2023 17:06

@MelchiorsMistress hiw did she treat her friend worse than the friend treated her? She put her daughter at risk of becoming seriously unwell. Even if it was unintentional (ie the daughter became unwell on the journey), she should have apologised and offered to go to a hotel. No way would I risk a friends chronically ill child’s health for my own convenience.

GG1986 · 11/02/2023 18:24

She is in the wrong! I would be fuming.

liveforsummer · 12/02/2023 06:15

Sounds like it came on very quickly as these things often do you'd have noticed vomiting and a dc with a temperature of 39 far earlier than 8pm. Your friend likely didn't t know she was that unwell and whether YABU depends how you phrased things, your tone etc

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/02/2023 06:56

The woman did know there was potentially something brewing as the child had not been herself for 2 days. So what if op panicked with her words or spoke with a sharp tone, not that we know she did. She’s trying to keep her child alive and this woman sabotaged it, going against an explicit agreement by bringing a nasty viral infection to their door. #bekind only seems to work one way…

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/02/2023 06:57

Terriblefriend07 · 11/02/2023 10:13

Hi
sorry I was just catching up.
I text her this morning to ask and make sure everyone was ok and for a short reply of yes we are on our way to train to go home.

I can fully understand why people would question as to why I have guests in the first place.
when i described DC as having same hospital protocol as oncology it was to highlight some people have more knowledge off however the protocol is the same she doesn’t have the same condition but as vulnerable. The condition is life long and we never know what the future is. We have made decisions on how we love our lives based on the knowledge we have of DC and what outweighs what. HOWEVER always are open and honest about this and what our expectations are. We book holidays with friends and they know they on said say we many not even make it and up to this point we have never had an issue.

No acknowledgment of wrong doing or appreciation for paying for the hotel and calpol. I hope your dd hasn’t caught the bug!

Tandora · 12/02/2023 10:03

Terriblefriend07 · 11/02/2023 10:13

Hi
sorry I was just catching up.
I text her this morning to ask and make sure everyone was ok and for a short reply of yes we are on our way to train to go home.

I can fully understand why people would question as to why I have guests in the first place.
when i described DC as having same hospital protocol as oncology it was to highlight some people have more knowledge off however the protocol is the same she doesn’t have the same condition but as vulnerable. The condition is life long and we never know what the future is. We have made decisions on how we love our lives based on the knowledge we have of DC and what outweighs what. HOWEVER always are open and honest about this and what our expectations are. We book holidays with friends and they know they on said say we many not even make it and up to this point we have never had an issue.

I do understand all of this and it is so difficult. On the other hand, the problem is you invited them to come stay, and they apparently travelled 3 hours to see you! (Presumably involving expense as well). So I can see from your friend’s side why she is upset to have been kicked out to stay in a hotel with a sick four year old, only to travel home the next morning. It must have been hugely stressful for her as well. I would say it’s not your fault, except that you did invite her.

You had to do ask her to leave in the circumstances because your dc comes first, but then you maybe shouldn’t invite people to stay, especially when you know how far it is for them to get to you etc . Maybe stick to having local people over or going yourself to see other people who are further away, so you can be the one to cancel/ leave if needs be.

sorry OP it sounds hard x

StarsSand · 12/02/2023 10:13

@Tandora but the friend didn't need to go home. She could have still had her trip but stayed at the hotel.

If anything she probably went home because the daughter was so sick.

ShakespearesBlister · 12/02/2023 10:15

Why on earth did she bring an obviously sick child with her when she knows your situation and that it could lead to your child being hospitalised? She knew her child was unwell. She sounds incredibly selfish either that or stupid?

ShakespearesBlister · 12/02/2023 10:19

Tandora · 12/02/2023 10:03

I do understand all of this and it is so difficult. On the other hand, the problem is you invited them to come stay, and they apparently travelled 3 hours to see you! (Presumably involving expense as well). So I can see from your friend’s side why she is upset to have been kicked out to stay in a hotel with a sick four year old, only to travel home the next morning. It must have been hugely stressful for her as well. I would say it’s not your fault, except that you did invite her.

You had to do ask her to leave in the circumstances because your dc comes first, but then you maybe shouldn’t invite people to stay, especially when you know how far it is for them to get to you etc . Maybe stick to having local people over or going yourself to see other people who are further away, so you can be the one to cancel/ leave if needs be.

sorry OP it sounds hard x

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Maybe the friend should have been more honest when she was invited and just told OP her child was coming down with something and at least given OP the opportunity to cancel rather than selfishly carrying on and saying nothing til she arrived. She knew the situation with OPs child and knows she could be hospitalised if she catches it. That's the bit I wouldn't be able to forgive. This clearly wasn't a new cough.

billy1966 · 12/02/2023 10:44

OP,

She knows well your situation and your daughters frailty and brought a sick child to your home.

She is NO friend of yours.

I think you absolutely did the right thing protecting your daughter.

I certainly wouldn't have paid for her hotel in these circumstances.

She is a very selfish person.

I hope your daughter hasn't caught anything.

SchoolTripDrama · 12/02/2023 11:18

Summerfun54321 · 10/02/2023 22:41

You chucked your friend out onto the street at 8pm with a poorly 4 year old!!? At 4 they can't even properly articulate how they are feeling so no doubt your friend will have had as little warning as you. Why on earth did you invite them to stay if you can't handle other people's germs and viruses and bugs!? If I were your friend, I would be absolutely furious. This isn't her fault, how was she to know her DD would get a temp and be sick after a big journey!?

Sorry but I completely agree with this. It's the 4yr old I'm concerned about. I'd be utterly furious. You also sound a bit neurotic about illness. I'm absolutely not saying you're lying, but if your little one was that vulnerable then they'd be in hospital. I know the protocols myself, first hand!

What was she supposed to do at 8pm? Surely she could've slept on the sofa overnight and left in the morning? Just keep your child out of the living room whilst they're there and for an hour or so after whilst you air the room out? The child may have had just a cough until they got there and then it suddenly escalated to a fever - I've had that happen to me when travelling to wales before. Perfectly fine on the journey just a mild cough then BAM! Full blown fever when we got to accommodation

SchoolTripDrama · 12/02/2023 11:18

Terriblefriend07 · 10/02/2023 22:45

I did not kick anyone put on the street for clarification.

You might want to re-read your title of this thread

TomatoSandwiches · 12/02/2023 11:36

SchoolTripDrama · 12/02/2023 11:18

You might want to re-read your title of this thread

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You may want to RTFT and see where op paid for the hotel and calpol for them.

Tandora · 12/02/2023 11:57

ShakespearesBlister · 12/02/2023 10:19

Maybe the friend should have been more honest when she was invited and just told OP her child was coming down with something and at least given OP the opportunity to cancel rather than selfishly carrying on and saying nothing til she arrived. She knew the situation with OPs child and knows she could be hospitalised if she catches it. That's the bit I wouldn't be able to forgive. This clearly wasn't a new cough.

Show quote history

But having a cough doesn’t mean you have a contagious virus , even during Covid times people were allowed out if their only symptom was an ongoing cough. The fever could have come on quite suddenly. Little ones get sick all the time and very suddenly, I don’t think the OP’s friend would have intentionally set out on a 3 hour journey with a feverish child, to visit someone vulnerable! If she did then She’s obviously BVU!

Tandora · 12/02/2023 12:00

StarsSand · 12/02/2023 10:13

@Tandora but the friend didn't need to go home. She could have still had her trip but stayed at the hotel.

If anything she probably went home because the daughter was so sick.

I thought the trip was to visit her friend?

SchoolTripDrama · 12/02/2023 12:08

@TomatoSandwiches You've completely missed what I was responding to there! 😂

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 12/02/2023 12:41

Why do people insist that the OP made a mistake inviting her friend when she has clearly said THE FRIEND ASKED IF THEY COULD COME?

OP YANBU

Somuchgoo · 12/02/2023 13:09

The only unreasonable one was the other mum - she knew her daughter hadn't been feeling right for days, even if she got a lot worse on the journey.

My daughter is under oncology care, and whilst her protocol is more relaxed as she's not a watch and wait currently, common bugs often (but not always) result in an admission for a few days. We wouldn't allow someone over who was clearly unwell.

Given the time, we might allow them to stay overnight, but our house is better able to segregate, and your daughter is more vulnerable than mine by the sounds of it. In your situation, you did what you needed to do to protect your child.

Figmentof · 12/02/2023 13:20

Terriblefriend07 · 10/02/2023 22:45

I did not kick anyone put on the street for clarification.

It looks like you did to me. I don’t believe your friend travelled for three hours with a sick child, sometimes these things just come on. You kicked out your friend and a sick child at 8pm when they were three hours from home. Couldn’t you have just separated the children? And if it is that important for you to not share germs then why on earth have visitors to your small two bedroom flat in the first place. I would never again speak to a “friend” who did what you did here.

CornedBeef451 · 12/02/2023 13:30

I would have been pissed off if a friend turned up to stay with a visible sick child even without an immunocompromised child in the house.

I think you did exactly the right thing. She is a terrible friend to have put you in that situation, I would have been furious!

Good for you standing up for your seriously ill child. I can't believe anyone would thing you were being unreasonable!

ATadScared · 12/02/2023 13:41

I can bear this no longer, I’ve got to point out to those who have failed to read the OP’s posts that

the CF ‘friend’ was essentially using the OP’s flat as a hotel for the weekend from which to do touristy things. She wasn’t going to visit OP and OP’s DC as such.
CF had invited herself.
OP had not invited CF for the weekend.
At CF’s own admission, her DC had been coming down with something for a couple of days.
The CF and her DC were looked after, with a hotel room and calpol - far from abandoned. OP showed far more consideration and respect than she and her DC were shown.