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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To have kicked my friend and her daughter out at 8pm

232 replies

Terriblefriend07 · 10/02/2023 21:17

I will try not to drip feed, so might be a
long post. I have name changed. My friend and her 4 year old daughter was due to stay this weekend.
my DC is has complex health condition which leaves them in hospital when ever they spike a fever or unwell. We try to live life normally the best we can. We have always had rules that If you are sick you do not enter our house.
my friend is 100 percent aware of the situation.

they arrived this evening with in a few seconds friend announces she has a wee bit of a cough ( I could deal this ) but it was very clear when I heard her that I was a very active new cough and she did not look well. Full of a virus / hacky cough / snot everywhere and bright cheeks. Was miserable and screaming. She then vomited in my hallway and I checked temp which was 39 ! I am an awful friend but I told them they had to leave. The only options were to travel back 3 hours or to go to a local hotel I have them the choice and I would pay for the hotel. I’m angry, she’s angry , we have had a bit of a big fall out and I feel like a terrible friend.

OP posts:
Led9519 · 10/02/2023 21:57

It annoys the crap out of me when ppl come round obviously unwell. I have three young children it’s a nightmare when we or they get sick!

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/02/2023 21:58

Keyansier · 10/02/2023 21:19

I would have done the same, except not pay/offer to pay for the hotel.

This. She's knowingly endangering your child - that is so irresponsible.

honestlyno · 10/02/2023 21:59

Why would a mother travel 3 hours with a really sick child, knowing she is going to a house with a vulnerable child; neglecting the needs of both children? I think this has developed during the journey and compassion was needed on both sides.

Being 'angrily' told that you'd 'pay for the hotel' would invalidate the offer, for me.

Hope you both work it out.

DuplicateUserName · 10/02/2023 22:00

Meem321 · 10/02/2023 21:21

Who was coughing and sick? The friend?

It read like that until it got to the screaming bit, then it became obvious it was the child.

Unless the adult is prone to being covered in snot and screaming when they get a cold 😂

Jonagirl · 10/02/2023 22:03

You did more than I would have done by paying for the hotel!. Yanbu

afinishedkiss · 10/02/2023 22:03

I would do this even if my own daughter didn’t have underlying health issues. Vomit in my hall and you are out.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 10/02/2023 22:04

She’s not your friend.

We have similar rules because of our youngests health and anyone that decides their fun/their child’s fun is worth more than my child’s health is absolutely not my friend.

momonpurpose · 10/02/2023 22:06

You are 100% in the right. She knew her child was si k and she knows your child's situation.

whatadoodledo · 10/02/2023 22:09

Led9519 · 10/02/2023 21:57

It annoys the crap out of me when ppl come round obviously unwell. I have three young children it’s a nightmare when we or they get sick!

Totally agree. Pisses me right off. Same for shoving kids in school etc when they are clearly sick.

Grizzledstrawberry · 10/02/2023 22:10

I would have done the same, no one comes above my children. I wouldn't intentionally take a bug into anyones home, nevermind a home with someone who is medically compromised. She's not much of a friend in my opinion, I wouldn't pay for her hotel either.

Well done to you for sticking up for your children, you should be proud of yourself.

BlueSeaWave · 10/02/2023 22:14

You did absolutely the correct thing. Your friend is absolutely wrong. Have a friend with a similar thing and her SIL gave her covid at Christmas just to not cancel their plans needing a baby sitter. She’s had lots of complications. People don’t understand when you say no illness how serious it is. People are aresholes. I hope your child stays well.

samqueens · 10/02/2023 22:14

Quite apart from how thoughtless it is to you it’s also really mean of her to make her child travel when child clearly unwell. Poor little thing vomiting in someone else’s house and then a big upset being made. Bet she feels awful.

I don’t feel you should have to pay for the hotel but I’m glad you offered that, as otherwise the poor little thing would probably have her mum kicking off at her about missing her weekend plans and having to fork out too. Friend doesn’t sound very kind.

Bs0u416d · 10/02/2023 22:16

A temperature of 39. Thats not a bit high, that's a lot high. Im suprised they felt well enough to travel. I think at this time if year, especially this year, everyone seems to have something. If you needed to ask them to leave then you did the reasonable thing of offering to pay for a hotel, given they had come so far.

buckwheat · 10/02/2023 22:17

It doesn’t matter when the cold started, how many rooms you have, how far away they live or anything else. You did absolutely right thing and I am surprised at your friend’s reaction. Your life is hard enough why on earth would you let them stay?! You would end up living in the hospital…
I understand it’s tough with a small child who is sick, been there but also as a mum of a child with a rare disease I know that your situation is million times harder!!!
p.s.
no need to pay for a hotel, you are too kind

nocoolnamesleft · 10/02/2023 22:17

It isn't ideal, but I don't see how you had a choice. You have to put your vulnerable child's health needs first.

samqueens · 10/02/2023 22:18

If the illness had just come on/worsened on train then she should have arrived completely apologetic and “what to do now” - not assuming it was full steam ahead.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 10/02/2023 22:19

MichelleScarn · 10/02/2023 21:19

Is it possible the sickness was related to travelling for 3 hrs and the stress of that? Did you have any discussion like this?

Travel sickness wouldn’t have caused a fever though.

CoorieInByTheFire · 10/02/2023 22:21

She should have got off the train as soon as her daughter showed signs of being unwell, and gone straight back home.

Brotherlove · 10/02/2023 22:21

I have a complex needs child.
We never invite people to stay...local B&B and meet at park in future

Teaandtoast3 · 10/02/2023 22:23

I’d have done the same in your situation OP

opalescent · 10/02/2023 22:24

As others have said, these things can come on very quickly in little ones. Since she had no doubt made preparations, not least paying for and undertaking a three hour train trip, it's totally feasible that she might have been ummiing and ahhing, and then things deteriorated towards the end of their journey.

I also think it's perfectly reasonable that you weren't prepared to put them up once it became clear that the child was ill.

I don't think either of you is a bad friend, it's just a frustrating situation all round, and you will both feel better about it after a night's sleep.

Tandora · 10/02/2023 22:27

Terriblefriend07 · 10/02/2023 21:30

our house is an average 2 bed flat.
I was thrown a bit when they first arrived, and was taken by surprise at first or was underplayed oh it’s just a cough. You could see instantly she wasn’t well.
I took her temp not friend and she said well we can just give Calpol. I said I am sorry but I can not have her here.
we then got in to an argument because of the time.
my DC is complex but to make it easier to understand their condition requires the same hospital protocols as an oncology patient when sick with a fever.

given all this - YANBU I think. Your friend did not behave well. Perhaps she was stressed and overwhelmed herself ; still, she owes you an apology. Sorry OP, it sounds really hard.

DestinysGrandchild · 10/02/2023 22:27

She shouldn't have dragged her poorly kid out so late to a house she knows she shouldn't have gone to. That's not fair on her kid or you and your family.

You also shouldn't have offered to pay for a hotel, although I would have probably done the same just to make sure the kid had somewhere to sleep.

Zanatdy · 10/02/2023 22:31

You did the right thing, it’s not worth having your child sick, potentially in hospital because you didn’t want to turn away a friend late at night. I can understand friend being upset after travelling for 3hrs but it’s not just a minor thing for your chid

BrightYellowDaffodil · 10/02/2023 22:35

Even if the sickness had come on suddenly during the journey, she should have asked you what you wanted to do and been prepared to go home or stay elsewhere, and certainly not assumed she could just breeze through it with a shedload of minimising.