AIBU To have kicked my friend and her daughter out at 8pm

[Terriblefriend07]

I will try not to drip feed, so might be a
long post. I have name changed. My friend and her 4 year old daughter was due to stay this weekend.
my DC is has complex health condition which leaves them in hospital when ever they spike a fever or unwell. We try to live life normally the best we can. We have always had rules that If you are sick you do not enter our house.
my friend is 100 percent aware of the situation.

they arrived this evening with in a few seconds friend announces she has a wee bit of a cough ( I could deal this ) but it was very clear when I heard her that I was a very active new cough and she did not look well. Full of a virus / hacky cough / snot everywhere and bright cheeks. Was miserable and screaming. She then vomited in my hallway and I checked temp which was 39 ! I am an awful friend but I told them they had to leave. The only options were to travel back 3 hours or to go to a local hotel I have them the choice and I would pay for the hotel. I’m angry, she’s angry , we have had a bit of a big fall out and I feel like a terrible friend.

Try reading the OP properly. The friend knew she should not visit when sick because the OPs child is vulnerable. Would you let an obviously sick child near your own when even a mild illness could land them in hospital ? The friend should have turned around and gone home as soon as she realised her child was sick.

I don't know if having long distance overnight guests are a good idea in your situation. Train tickets cost a small fortune and can't be refunded for illness. I can also believe with small children that this sort of thing can come on very suddenly during a long train journey.

There's too much potential for bad feelings if someone commits to a long journey and then has to cancel. Better they stay somewhere else so it's not all wasted.

@AthenaPopodopolous I think you are the absolute disgrace who ran your mouth without even reading the OP's posts; her child has serious complex needs, is on IV medication, immunocompromised and has oncology-like protocols to stay away from people. FFS, stop making an idiot of yourself, and LEARN TO READ before running your mouth!

But you know nothing about the child’s condition and nothing about what may have been discussed as permissible with the doctors. The OP didn't post for uninformed opinions on overnight guests, but to confirm she was right to turn away a selfish friend who knew the rule about sickness and turned up anyway. Length of stay is irrelevant if you’re not sick. Seems reasonable to me.

It’s very common, especially on here.

You can’t win. You’re either ridiculously OTT and expecting too much of people. Or slack lazy and endangering your child.

The assumptions they know best are baffling.

That’s not a decision for the OP to take, that’s for the guest. Presumably the child’s mother is adult. She’s aware of the OPs situation. It’s down to her to understand that the situation could change.

I mean, when booking things like that she’d have to accept that if her child caught something like chicken pox or noro she wouldn’t be able to travel regardless of the OPs situation.

The onus shouldn’t always be on the OP. Her friend has a brain too to think of possible issues.

I don’t think I could have done that, it’s so harsh on the ill child- and sending them out to find a hotel at 8pm when they don’t even have a car!

She’d probably only just got really ill there and then. Sickness can come on instantly with DC.

I think you were way OTT. You should’ve just sent both kids to bed.

You’ve clearly never had a child who could be hospitalised by a simple illness.

how many people do you know that use IV paracetamol instead of calpol…

If you would see a friend when you or your child were ill, and a friend whose got a vulnerable child, you're an awful person. The only person in the wrong here is OP friend. Who wasn't even thinking of her own child's health, let alone OP child. She's a poor parent and friend. OP you were right to kick them out to a hotel.

Why is that on the OP? If friends and family are aware of long standing rules on sickness then they’re quite capable of deciding for themselves as to fitness or otherwise to travel for a visit. The alternative is for the DC to live in a bubble because of vulnerability so there has to be a balance. I find it really difficult to believe that the friends’ DC developed such severe symptoms and high temperature over the course of a couple of hours train journey. More likely they were there to start with and worsened on the journey. The friend tried to pass it off as a bit of a cough as soon as they arrived, so there was clearly an existing issue before they travelled. The friend chose to ignore it despite knowing OPs DC was vulnerable, so it’s on her.

I don’t have any medically vulnerable people in my house and I’d have asked them to leave without hesitation. Nobody in my family deserves to come down with whatever her daughter had, period.

I will never understand people who think bringing their sick children (or themselves) to visit is ever a reasonable thing to do! There’s nobody’s visit worth my family coming down with fever and vomiting, thanks.

The lack of reading and comprehension skills on MN is breathtaking sometimes.

@VestaTilley maybe try reading the OP's posts; all of her posts, before you reply. OP's child has serious complex needs, is on IV medication, immunocompromised and has oncology-like protocols to stay away from people.

YANBU, you shouldn't visit anyone even without a health condition that unwell. It was kind of you to offer to pay for a hotel.

There was no other choice for you here.

Hopefully your friend calms down and realises this.

Your friend is incredibly selfish and had zero regard for your child or her own.

She should have never drug her sick child out like that on a 3 hour ride for a weekend while sick.

You were kind to pay for a hotel for the night.

I don't think anyone really gets the complex needs other others unless directly involved but generally it's wise to be careful what you commit to. The situation with the friend wouldn't have been so bad if the plan was a hotel from the start.

Obviously if the OP is ok with making plans, having to let people down and deal with the fall out that's up to them.

I agree with this. People come with coughs and bugs and it was unfortunate that a small, obviously unwell child was left to move to a hotel or do a long journey home, rather than being put to bed and taken care of. I understand why that was the case in the circumstances, but maybe think twice about offering to host people in future.

And these illnesses can come on very suddenly. Four parents from my son's class were called to pick up unwell kids from school last week, when they had been fine in the morning.

What so her daughter would catch it and end up seriously unwell in hospital?
Did you even read the post?

I wouldn't take a clearly sick child into someone's house regardless of complex needs or not!
Your friend knows the situation and therefore shouldn't have expected to be able to stay. Why on earth didn't she just postpone the visit?
It was shit that she then had to take her poorly child to a hotel but surely she understands that you can't put your child at risk? I hope her little one feels brighter today though.

Obviously if the OP is ok with making plans, having to let people down and deal with the fall out that's up to them.

Thats so offensive. The op hasn’t “let people down”.

If people are friends with someone immunocompromised, or with a child who is, then they take the risk that their friend’s health comes first and plans may need to change if something happens.

You had no other choice.

Your friend was being incredibly selfish and unreasonable.

I'd be furious with her. She shouldn't have shown up with a sick DC, and should have removed her without being asked the second it was clear she was sick.

When my child was young he had a health issue that made very bad for him to catch colds etc. No matter how many times you tell people, some just carry on with no regard. I had one friend in particular who would routinely bring her DC over full of cold. I would tell her to leave. Now I just don't invite her, even though the health risk has passed for us. I still don't want her child's fucking cold!!

I know the line you are walking between wanting to give your DC a normal life and social opportunities, always balancing that against the risk to their health. It's a decision you think about all the time. But it's your choice, people don't get to choose the risks for you just because it suits them.

Some people will never get it. They're too selfish to put themselves in your shoes and understand.

Let her be mad. Honestly, this would make me want to end the friendship. If you want to you could send a text

'Hi DF. I hope DD is feeling better. I know tonight was difficult and perhaps surprising for you but this is the reality for us with DD's health. To be clear for next time, everyday childhood fevers, coughs and colds land my DC in hospital. We don't want to shut DD away but we do ask for people to be conscious of not coming around DD when they are sick. I hope you manage to enjoy your trip. Let's chat when we're feeling calmer about it.'

I really hope your DC doesn't catch it.

Don't give it another thought OP, you did the right thing by your DC.

So long as it is made clear to them that they are taking that risk, i.e. first sign of illness = out of the house, at whatever time of the day or night.

Personally I wouldn't take a 4 year old to visit someone if we'd be out on the street to try to get a train back/find a hotel if either we/our host's child became unwell. What if my child had woken vomiting at 3am? Would we have been walking around the streets until things opened? With the number of illnesses circulating at the moment, it's just not fair on either child.

I would give the friend the benefit of the doubt. After a three hour journey, it’s very easily possible that the child was fine when they left home and the friend genuinely had no reason to consider cancelling the visit.

With that in mind, it does seem nasty to make a sick child and her mother leave your home at that time of night when they had no way of getting back to their own home. Why couldn’t you have separated the two children in the two bedrooms and disinfected the bathroom each time the sick child needed it?

I completely understand the protective instinct you had for ye child OP but it wouldn’t have been that difficult to keep her protected by using a bit of infection control for the night. You treated your friend and her child much worse than they treated you.

Your friend was wholly unreasonable here. Yes, kids can get sick quickly….but not that quickly. She’d have known her DD wasn’t well before she set off. I’d have been absolutely mortified if one of my kids had thrown up in someone else’s house and would have left immediately - and that’s without there being a severely vulnerable host child involved. She has behaved outrageously. You did what you had to do to protect your own child. The friendship is probably over, but I’d say it’s clearly no great loss…..