Page 7 | AIBU To have kicked my friend and her daughter out at 8pm

Terriblefriend07 · 2023-02-10T21:17:08+00:00

I will try not to drip feed, so might be a long post. I have name changed. My friend and her 4 year old daughter was due to stay this weekend. my DC is has complex health condition which leaves them in hospital when ever they spike a fever or unwell. We try to live life normally the best we can. We have always had rules that If you are sick you do not enter our house. my friend is 100 percent aware of the situation. they arrived this evening with in a few seconds friend announces she has a wee bit of a cough ( I could deal this ) but it was very clear when I heard her that I was a very active new cough and she did not look well. Full of a virus / hacky cough / snot everywhere and bright cheeks. Was miserable and screaming. She then vomited in my hallway and I checked temp which was 39 ! I am an awful friend but I told them they had to leave. The only options were to travel back 3 hours or to go to a local hotel I have them the choice and I would pay for the hotel. I’m angry, she’s angry , we have had a bit of a big fall out and I feel like a terrible friend.

StarsSand · 11/02/2023 08:14

MelchiorsMistress · 11/02/2023 08:08

I would give the friend the benefit of the doubt. After a three hour journey, it’s very easily possible that the child was fine when they left home and the friend genuinely had no reason to consider cancelling the visit.

With that in mind, it does seem nasty to make a sick child and her mother leave your home at that time of night when they had no way of getting back to their own home. Why couldn’t you have separated the two children in the two bedrooms and disinfected the bathroom each time the sick child needed it?

I completely understand the protective instinct you had for ye child OP but it wouldn’t have been that difficult to keep her protected by using a bit of infection control for the night. You treated your friend and her child much worse than they treated you.

As the child started coughing and feeling sick on the 3 hour train ride, the friend should have pulled out her phone and searched for a hotel to book, then called her friend to say unfortunately DD seems under the weather and so they'll be unable to stay.

No excuse for showing up with a contagious child when there is someone with complex medical needs in the house.

Taking a taxi to a hotel is a lot less inconvenient than having your child hospitalised because some fuckwit decided their holiday plans come before your child's medical needs.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 11/02/2023 08:15

It’s amazing how many people are determined to paint the OP as a horrible, nasty villain picking on an unwell 4 year old, yet the friend who announce “just a cough” right as they arrived - so knew at that point her child was ill - and then deliberately tried to downplay an unwell child endangering a compromised child is somehow ok…

Noonesperfect · 11/02/2023 08:16

MelchiorsMistress · 11/02/2023 08:08

I would give the friend the benefit of the doubt. After a three hour journey, it’s very easily possible that the child was fine when they left home and the friend genuinely had no reason to consider cancelling the visit.

With that in mind, it does seem nasty to make a sick child and her mother leave your home at that time of night when they had no way of getting back to their own home. Why couldn’t you have separated the two children in the two bedrooms and disinfected the bathroom each time the sick child needed it?

I completely understand the protective instinct you had for ye child OP but it wouldn’t have been that difficult to keep her protected by using a bit of infection control for the night. You treated your friend and her child much worse than they treated you.

Viruses are airborne. OP cannot guarantee her child would not catch it even if disinfection is used. OP's child could get hospitalised. Why should she be expected to risk this happening? OP did the right thing.

ittakes2 · 11/02/2023 08:17

temperatures tend to increase later in the day her child might not have had a temp when they left. But considering your personal circumstances I am gobsmacked she is angry. Maybe she was tired and will calm down. Very generous of you to offer to pay for the hotel.

mynamesnotMa · 11/02/2023 08:19

Op it is a very stressful way to live.
You also have a legal duty to protect your child. If others don't understand it then that's on them.
Your friend placed you in an impossible position. Perhaps if she'd have acted in a more understanding way you would not be feeling so guilty.
Your child comes first.
I respect you

nicknamehelp · 11/02/2023 08:19

I have been in your position op and what some don't realise is this could lead to a week in hospital on strong antibiotics so you do all you can to avoid that. So I think you did right saying they couldn't stop with u but that u would pay for a hotel. We had this for 15 years and some people just did not get it and how stressful it is.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/02/2023 08:21

NewtoHolland · 11/02/2023 05:16

But OPs daughter can't be in close contact with an infectious child, oncology protocol means like no immune system. OPs child could get very very seriously I'll very easily from being close to this child...mum knew she was unwell and not drinking for days. The real test has already happened she not only brought risk to Ops door, she then tried to stay there and continue to put her daughter at high risk of serious illness.
She is not any kind of friend.

Randomly up post someone said it could be travel sickness. Travel sickness would not give a child a significant fever of 39 degrees.

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I agree with you. I wasn’t clear in my post. The possible excuses I used are ridiculous and reckless. If these were her reasons, they centred her money and her child when they should have centred op’s dd. As op’s dd is immunocompromised, this friend needed to be willing to lose the train ticket money and not tell her dd about going away until the last moment, or have had a plan b whereupon she had cancelable alternative accommodation booked.

FlippityFlippityFlop · 11/02/2023 08:23

Whilst I understand where you are coming from - the problem with little ones is that they constantly have a cough/child/virus (look at the countless threads on her from parents of little children). Especially this set of little ones whose immune systems didn't get the normal exposure over COVID. They can be fine one min and poorly the next. My little one could be fine all day, spike a fever at bedtime and then be right as rain then next day.

So while I understand what you did I think that it was an error on your part to consider having them over to stay in the first place of your child is so vulnerable. Better to wait a few years to do that when your friend has an older child whos immune system is more robust.

WhatNoRaisins · 11/02/2023 08:24

I'm not calling the OP a villain. Nothing was done out of malice it was just a plan with the potential for a lot of fall out. Agree I wouldn't commit to such a long journey with a place we could only stay it if we arrived without signs of illness. It's too risky for me.

familyissues12345 · 11/02/2023 08:28

TBH you were nicer than me. My DS was on chemotherapy a few years ago and spent a lot of time in hospital with temp spikes. I would have gone nuts if someone had brought illness into our home knowing the situation!

echt · 11/02/2023 08:30

FlippityFlippityFlop · 11/02/2023 08:23

Whilst I understand where you are coming from - the problem with little ones is that they constantly have a cough/child/virus (look at the countless threads on her from parents of little children). Especially this set of little ones whose immune systems didn't get the normal exposure over COVID. They can be fine one min and poorly the next. My little one could be fine all day, spike a fever at bedtime and then be right as rain then next day.

So while I understand what you did I think that it was an error on your part to consider having them over to stay in the first place of your child is so vulnerable. Better to wait a few years to do that when your friend has an older child whos immune system is more robust.

Irrelevant. No number of years will guarantee a lack of illness.

diddl · 11/02/2023 08:42

If you're in a 2 bed flat why weren't they thinking of a hotel anyway for the weekend?

It's very unfortunate but that's the chance she took either when she first got on the train or as the journey progressed.

She should at least have been in contact with you about what was going on rather than just turning up.

FlippityFlippityFlop · 11/02/2023 08:43

@echt then don't invite people to stay over as there is no guarantee that another (child or adult) may not get ill once they have arrived.

As I said - I am not blaming the OP for what she did I would probably have done the same. What I am saying is that maybe she needs to readjust her expectations on what they/her family are willing to do. And maybe house guests is a step to far for them at the moment.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 11/02/2023 08:46

MelchiorsMistress · 11/02/2023 08:08

I would give the friend the benefit of the doubt. After a three hour journey, it’s very easily possible that the child was fine when they left home and the friend genuinely had no reason to consider cancelling the visit.

With that in mind, it does seem nasty to make a sick child and her mother leave your home at that time of night when they had no way of getting back to their own home. Why couldn’t you have separated the two children in the two bedrooms and disinfected the bathroom each time the sick child needed it?

I completely understand the protective instinct you had for ye child OP but it wouldn’t have been that difficult to keep her protected by using a bit of infection control for the night. You treated your friend and her child much worse than they treated you.

You've got to be joking! You truly have got to be on the wind up. The 'friend' knew her daughter was sick, and even if it only came on after they left the train, they should have called a hotel asap. You clearly have absolutely no idea how serious this is for an Oncology-protocolled patient, your 'oh just disinfect the bathroom' is so incredibly naive as to be inexplicable. OP paid for her 'friends' hotel, AND medication. None of us would go that far. OP went way above and beyond for her CF 'friend'. She was far too generous to her 'friend' who took advantage of that and treated OP and her child so badly.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/02/2023 08:47

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 11/02/2023 08:15

It’s amazing how many people are determined to paint the OP as a horrible, nasty villain picking on an unwell 4 year old, yet the friend who announce “just a cough” right as they arrived - so knew at that point her child was ill - and then deliberately tried to downplay an unwell child endangering a compromised child is somehow ok…

Exactly, maybe they're the type of parents who would do the same as OP friend and turn up with an already sick child at a friends house.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 11/02/2023 08:50

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/02/2023 08:47

Exactly, maybe they're the type of parents who would do the same as OP friend and turn up with an already sick child at a friends house.

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I’m not remotely surprised.

I was told on here I was being OTT by cutting off friends who hid that their child had CP so I wouldn’t cancel my DD3 going for a birthday pizza/movie party for their DD. They wanted to “protect” their DD from disappointment.

My DD4 is similarly vulnerable to the OP’s DD.

Apparently we shouldn’t expect anything from anyone else and just isolate constantly if we want to be safe…

Lougle · 11/02/2023 08:53

You had no choice. You are effectively your DD's immune system and you had to protect her.

MissMarplesbag · 11/02/2023 08:54

I would say that this is the end of your friendship and there's no coming back from this.

TitoMojito · 11/02/2023 08:55

Tbh OP I wouldn't want a vomiting child in my house even without the vulnerable person involved so I think you did the right thing.

Dinkleberg · 11/02/2023 08:55

I'd have done the same OP.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 11/02/2023 08:57

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/02/2023 08:47

Exactly, maybe they're the type of parents who would do the same as OP friend and turn up with an already sick child at a friends house.

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Yes, having once been in a similar situation to OP for awhile, it's utterly infuriating how so many people don't believe you about it being that serious. You can explain over and over until you're blue in the face, I am convinced these people think we're/OP are exaggerating. They genuinely have no fucking clue at all. None whatsoever. Oh just disinfect the bathroom.? Fuck me some people are determined to be pig ignorant thick as possible. They don't want to believe it so convince themselves we're/the OP is just exaggerating. It can't be that bad. Just spray disinfectant or something. They are so determined to wallow in their absolute ignorance they refuse to listen and learn. If we say we can't have a sick child (who clearly has a full on virus) around us, will you just fucking accept it?!!! We are not exaggerating. They can't stay. That's it. No, we can't just 'disinfect' the bathroom! Just accept we KNOW the risks. FFS.

CrystalCoco · 11/02/2023 09:05

If there was a spare bedroom you could have packed the pair of them off to then that would have been a good solution - even if it meant you landed up sleeping on your own sofa.

Your 'friend' is not a good friend arriving with a sick child especially under the circumstances of your DC's illness. But I couldn't for the life of me imagine throwing a woman (who until that point was a friend) and her sick child out into the street at 8pm, miles from their home.

Sorry you were put into that situation, it should never have happened, but at least it won't happen again as I doubt either of you will want to continue the friendship.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 11/02/2023 09:08

But I couldn't for the life of me imagine throwing a woman (who until that point was a friend) and her sick child out into the street at 8pm, miles from their home.

Give over. The woman went to a hotel. She wasn’t sent wandering the streets.

hopsalong · 11/02/2023 09:18

I don't think you behaved unreasonably in the moment. What else could you have done?

I do think it was somewhat unreasonable to issue an invitation to the friend to stay in the first place when you have a medically compromised child and live in a 2-bed flat. The chance of a 4 year old having some bug or other during the winter months is always going to be quite high. Unless you find yourself living in a big house with a spare guest suite, I would give up on having overnight guests.

Withnailandeye · 11/02/2023 09:29

I think perhaps people who aren’t exposed to the reality of having children with complex health issues just don’t understand the severity of it. If you have healthy children it’s generally accepted that small children just spread illnesses constantly between one another and parents just get on with it.

obviously this is different and you are completely justified in your behaviour but I do think there are a lot of parents who, despite you explaining to them, won’t understand the seriousness because it doesn’t affect them.