AIBU To have kicked my friend and her daughter out at 8pm

[Terriblefriend07]

I will try not to drip feed, so might be a
long post. I have name changed. My friend and her 4 year old daughter was due to stay this weekend.
my DC is has complex health condition which leaves them in hospital when ever they spike a fever or unwell. We try to live life normally the best we can. We have always had rules that If you are sick you do not enter our house.
my friend is 100 percent aware of the situation.

they arrived this evening with in a few seconds friend announces she has a wee bit of a cough ( I could deal this ) but it was very clear when I heard her that I was a very active new cough and she did not look well. Full of a virus / hacky cough / snot everywhere and bright cheeks. Was miserable and screaming. She then vomited in my hallway and I checked temp which was 39 ! I am an awful friend but I told them they had to leave. The only options were to travel back 3 hours or to go to a local hotel I have them the choice and I would pay for the hotel. I’m angry, she’s angry , we have had a bit of a big fall out and I feel like a terrible friend.

this :-)

You have not been unreasonable. Only a complete tool would bring an unwell child for the weekend without you DS health condition.

She was probably hoping it was nothing, but shouldn't have put you at risk and the minute it became clear to her she should have apologised and made arrangements to leave. I don't understand why she would take your money for calpol.

She sounds like a blagger who's not taking you seriously, she has no right to be angry with you, if you don't get an apology tomorrow I wouldn't bother any more.

You've absolutely done the right thing.

I really hope she cleaned the sick.

I don't think you are terrible but I'm suprised you would allow guests to stay in your home. You made the right call but maybe this experience will stop you letting guests come over to stay? In your position I'd assume a blanket rule would be no one stays overnight. You should have said no from the start.

People having a pop at the op for having visitors need to have a word with themselves.

Its hard enough finding the balance between shielding a child from illness and allowing them to have a life without people implying there is an iota of blame on the OP for someone ignoring clear boundaries and basic manners.

As much as we may wish to those of us with very, very vulnerable children cannot isolate for their whole lives.

I can understand why she was upset as she is now in a hotel with a sick child and none of her usual resources (medicine, hydrating drink, etc). However you had no other choice really.

What is surprising to me in the story you gave is that she seemed to have multiple indicators that she should not have come and she ignored them all. Her child had not been drinking for a couple of days, was cranky, was showing signs of feverishness. She shouldn't even have left home, if only for the sake of not making her unwell child endure a long train journey and the risk of being outside her normal space during an illness.

But then, once she arrived at your house, she downplayed multiple signals that her child was unwell and that this was a communicable virus (fever, vomiting) and seemed to think that just giving Calpol would somehow prevent your child getting the virus? The vomiting alone probably sprayed virus particles everywhere. So, I feel badly for her but she made a big error of judgement, considering you had made it very clear from the beginning that you can't have sick people in your house.

I think it was fine that you paid for the hotel, (even though her error was the cause), because emotionally it must be very unpleasant for her to be in a hotel with a sick child. But I would not apologise for asking her to leave as you did give her fore-warning of your needs and she just ignored the warning signs and did exactly what you asked her not to do. Things would have been a lot simpler if she had simply called you this morning before she left her house, and said, "Kara is off her food for a day or two and seems a little cranky. She may be coming down with something, or just having a bad day. Should we risk it?" And you could have said, "I'm so sorry but I can't risk it, let's reschedule."

100% this! ⬆️
Don't feel guilty - you quite rightly put your vulnerable child 1st. She should not have brought HER obviously unwell child to visit, knowing the implications for YOUR child.

Your friend should not have brought her daughter in your home. She should have come in (if she had a car) or phoned you from a coffee shop near by if taxi/train and had a conversation with you.

It is very unfortunate but given how sick your DS gets, knowing there was a slight cough before they left she probably should either never have come or been prepared to stay somewhere else if she was worse after the trip to get to you. It is selfish of her to put you in that position. Who does these things???

YWNBU at all.

On the one hand, if the symptoms came on while they were traveling then I can kind of see how someone not immersed in a situation could fudge things a bit hoping it’s not actually a virus while they got their head around the fact that, yes, their child was ill and, yes, they do need to leave even though it’s going to be a nightmare with a sick child at that time of night.

Hopefully that’s all your friend’s anger is about and once she’s had time to process it she’ll realise you didn’t have a choice. If not, you’ll know she’s incredibly selfish, with no regard for you and your DD, and you’re probably better off without her in your life.

But at least a little bit of me would be wondering if your friend already knew and brought her DD anyway hoping to get away with it. The wanting to mask symptoms with calpol as though that would stop there being a virus at all, suggests either incredible ignorance, or a blatant lack of concern for what’s really happening and what might happen to your DD as long as she can pretend the formalities were followed.

Why did you send her money for calpol?

YANBU She sounds so incredibly selfish, she KNEW they shouldn't have been there. The fact you paid for her hotel and meds is extremely generous. If she can't see that, she's not a true friend. If I were you I would be livid at them turning up like that. Absolutely livid.

Perhaps she didn’t cancel the trip as the train ticket is non refundable so she wanted to use them and / or her dd was excited about going away. The real test will be if she contacts you in a few days to apologise, thank you for the money and see if your dd is ok.

Absolutely not unreasonable. And even if it came on quickly and she took a turn for the worse on the train, a true friend would have called and said we are here but DC is unwell, I'm not sure I can bring her to the house, and left it to you to say come anyway so I can assess (or just say ahhhh shame and you yravelled all the way here) while protesting that they will get a hotel or go home so as not to endanger your DC. But she chose to be dishonest and underplay it.

Experienced parents putting their friends' and families'feelings over us so as to not make THEM uncomfortable. You aren't the one whose wrong in this scenario. She is.

She's the one in the wrong, even if her daughter had just developed the cough alone she should have either checked before coming or not came at all.

🙄

Your friend should never have put you in that position. I wouldn't turn up with a sick child in normal circumstances, no way I'd bring an infectious illness around someone who would end up in hospital if they caught it. She's the unreasonable one, yes saying sick 4 year old has to leave wouldn't sit well, but you only needed to do that because your 'friend' did the wrong thing. I'm guessing she's either entitled and thoughtless or doesn't really believe your DD is that sick. You did the only thing you could in the circumstances and you went above and beyond offering to pay for a hotel when your friend was the one in the wrong.

You shouldn’t be feeling bad about this at all OP.

Your friend invited herself to yours.
She knew the serious consequences of bringing sickness to your house
She knew her dC was sick before entering your house
She minimised her dC symptoms with no regard for your own Dc whatsoever.
She showed little understanding of your predicament in your home to which she had invited herself and little knowledge of how a virus is spread and was reluctant to take responsibility, so you were forced to.
Upsetting as it was, you did the right thing and handled it all brilliantly.
I hope she phones you to apologise.
Also really hope your dd didn’t catch the virus.

what would you regret more op.making the right decision to protect your child. or not and the possible consequences if they caught it?
you feel bad because your a nice person who doesnt want to see a friend go home or have to make the journey back.
and it wouldnt matter even if they had made the trip just to see you. she knows the deal.so do you. this was a no option situation.
but its ok to care a bout how the situation went.
but then you have to park it.not take it on or inside as something bad on you or becasue of you. it happened and you id the right thing.
what would she have done?
seriously any parent?
she has no right to put a hissy fit on you here. be sad your trip to see weacother couldnt happen.but no blame

knowing your child suffers like they do i would never have dare to enter the gate never mind the house with a poorly child!

But OPs daughter can't be in close contact with an infectious child, oncology protocol means like no immune system. OPs child could get very very seriously I'll very easily from being close to this child...mum knew she was unwell and not drinking for days. The real test has already happened she not only brought risk to Ops door, she then tried to stay there and continue to put her daughter at high risk of serious illness.
She is not any kind of friend.

Randomly up post someone said it could be travel sickness. Travel sickness would not give a child a significant fever of 39 degrees.

YANBU
for two days her kid has been a bit off, she should have let you know then.

She's tried to downplay her kids illness so you'd let them stay knowing your child is vulnerable.

She has done something really vile tbh, she deliberately chose to try to force you into something you've told her not to do to because she wants a weekend away.

You are 100% right and the friend is wrong. Lots of people are like your friend, they don't think beyond their own needs and wants. In your shoes, I'd not welcome overnight guests, if they visit, they have to have accommodation elsewhere sorted. We had visitors for the day a few weeks ago, their dc had a stinking cold, my youngest dc caught the exact same virus from them and missed a week's school including some end of term tests as a result. 😞

They certainly should take a long hard look at themselves. It's unreasonable saying OP should do this or that differently when they're neither the child's doctors nor the child's parents and they really know bugger all about the situation.

There's a vulnerable child in my DC class, who can attend school masked but can't go out into the playground. Their parents have determined along with their doctors what is ok and what isn't and anyone who doesn't know the details of the child's medical needs shouldn't be judging the parents. Like many things in life it's finding a balance, isolation can be really mentally damaging to the child as well as their carers. As OP obviously loves her DC and is protective of their health why would anyone assume she's not doing everything necessary, as determined in consultation with the child's doctors, to keep her DC safe.

if I was visiting you, I’d take temp before travelling and before entering your home and be well aware that sudden illness might mean a hasty exit. You did the right thing protecting your child. Unfortunately with small children there is always a chance they come down with something quickly and unexpectedly.

The fact that her reaction was to calpol up the child shows she didn’t get it at all. Masking the fever was going to do nothing to stop her being infectious.

For the future though you may need to think about timing of having people to stay. Feb half term feels risky just because there is so much circulating. The chances were always going to be relatively high of the child coming down with something over the weekend unfortunately. I would have never invited myself over during winter in the circs.