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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU To have kicked my friend and her daughter out at 8pm

232 replies

Terriblefriend07 · 10/02/2023 21:17

I will try not to drip feed, so might be a
long post. I have name changed. My friend and her 4 year old daughter was due to stay this weekend.
my DC is has complex health condition which leaves them in hospital when ever they spike a fever or unwell. We try to live life normally the best we can. We have always had rules that If you are sick you do not enter our house.
my friend is 100 percent aware of the situation.

they arrived this evening with in a few seconds friend announces she has a wee bit of a cough ( I could deal this ) but it was very clear when I heard her that I was a very active new cough and she did not look well. Full of a virus / hacky cough / snot everywhere and bright cheeks. Was miserable and screaming. She then vomited in my hallway and I checked temp which was 39 ! I am an awful friend but I told them they had to leave. The only options were to travel back 3 hours or to go to a local hotel I have them the choice and I would pay for the hotel. I’m angry, she’s angry , we have had a bit of a big fall out and I feel like a terrible friend.

OP posts:
saraclara · 10/02/2023 23:22

Without witnessing the conversation, I'd say it's hard to know whether the freind was justified in being angry. It depends entirely on your tone and the atmosphere when you said it.

If you were massively apologetic and empathetic, but reminded her how serious it would be if your DC got it, while she'd be shocked at having to pack up and take her ill child to a hotel, she maybe shouldn't be angry.

But if you showed irritation and were hurriedly getting her out, then yes, I can see why she'd feel upset, especially if this illness came on quickly.

It was an awkward situation all round, you were the one in control, and she was the one thrown by the situation and not having any say in what was to happen. I can understand her being upset, even if she did understand the seriousness of your DC getting it.

TiaraBoo · 10/02/2023 23:22

@AthenaPopodopolous
you would take a sick child to stay at a friends house which would mean their child would end up in hospital?!

AnotherEmma · 10/02/2023 23:26

YANBU at all. It sounds as if they mainly wanted to use you as a free B&B and it wasn't just to visit. If she had been at all considerate she would have called you before leaving to say her daughter seemed to be coming down with something and to check it was still ok. She could have checked her daughter's temp before she left FFS. I refuse to believe that a child so obviously unwell would have gone from 100% to vomiting and feverish in the space of a few hours. These things can happen quickly but not that quickly, there are warning signs.

The only thing you did wrong was to offer to pay for the hotel. I might possibly have offered to contribute but not pay for it all. And given that she was angry with you (cheeky mare) I don't think you should give her a penny.

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 10/02/2023 23:26

YANBU - wish people who are sick would stay the fuck at home until they're better instead of coming over, winds me right up when they do that!

321user123 · 10/02/2023 23:27

Terriblefriend07 · 10/02/2023 21:30

our house is an average 2 bed flat.
I was thrown a bit when they first arrived, and was taken by surprise at first or was underplayed oh it’s just a cough. You could see instantly she wasn’t well.
I took her temp not friend and she said well we can just give Calpol. I said I am sorry but I can not have her here.
we then got in to an argument because of the time.
my DC is complex but to make it easier to understand their condition requires the same hospital protocols as an oncology patient when sick with a fever.

Well, I’d she knows this, and STILL dragged her daughter (even if she was only coughing to start with) she is not only unreasonable but a horrible friend who only cares about her having a break.

she sounds like one of those who would say oh, it’s only a bit of gluten to a celiac tbh.

I would also not pay for the hotel IF she knows that your child needs this level of care. Which I assume she does if she’s any kind of friend at all.

321user123 · 10/02/2023 23:27

321user123 · 10/02/2023 23:27

Well, I’d she knows this, and STILL dragged her daughter (even if she was only coughing to start with) she is not only unreasonable but a horrible friend who only cares about her having a break.

she sounds like one of those who would say oh, it’s only a bit of gluten to a celiac tbh.

I would also not pay for the hotel IF she knows that your child needs this level of care. Which I assume she does if she’s any kind of friend at all.

Show quote history

Meant to say “if she knows this”

lottiegarbanzo · 10/02/2023 23:28

I would be mortified in her situation and a little scared for your dd. How could she not be?

Original poster
Terriblefriend07 · 10/02/2023 23:31

@saraclara I keep playing this in my head and going over what I said.

it literally was - they arrived, mentioned a cough and that DD had not drunk much in 2 days I didn’t respond with much but in my head I was like ahh 🤣
kids were in living room and I heard her DD cough I said oh it sounds like a very productive cough.
Her DD was very “ upset “ on and off and was looking very flushed. Friend starts stripping daughter and I can see she is full of a virus. At this point I was not suggesting they left. I ask friend if she had calpol and she said no we do not use calpol so I never had any. I suggested taking her temp and she replied oh but she has had 2 layers of clothes on. I said that shouldn’t cause a fever so still check temp.
i went and got thermometer and when I got back she had said I might need to borrow a blanket as she has thrown up on hers.
i said she looks hot, and took her temp which was obviously quite high. I took my daughter in to her bedroom and went back in and said I’m really sorry but I can’t have her stay here. Friend for flustered and said she didn’t know what she was meant to do but she could keep daughter stripped and get calpol and if should come down. I explained again that I really don’t think she should be here. She got upset about having to do the journey home so I offered the hotel and sent over money for calpol.
she was very short at this point and obviously upset. I never shouted but think after she got upset I probably sounded upset to.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/02/2023 23:33

I can't believe she had the brass neck to turn up at your door even if she did think her dd only had a cough.

Let her be angry, I wouldn't be bothered about keeping the friendship of someone so unconcerned about the health of my own DC, she knew the rules.

AnotherEmma · 10/02/2023 23:33

Your "friend" is an utter twat. Selfish and irresponsible. She is either too stupid to understand the potential impact on your DD or she does understand and just doesn't care. Bin her.

321user123 · 10/02/2023 23:35

saraclara · 10/02/2023 23:22

Without witnessing the conversation, I'd say it's hard to know whether the freind was justified in being angry. It depends entirely on your tone and the atmosphere when you said it.

If you were massively apologetic and empathetic, but reminded her how serious it would be if your DC got it, while she'd be shocked at having to pack up and take her ill child to a hotel, she maybe shouldn't be angry.

But if you showed irritation and were hurriedly getting her out, then yes, I can see why she'd feel upset, especially if this illness came on quickly.

It was an awkward situation all round, you were the one in control, and she was the one thrown by the situation and not having any say in what was to happen. I can understand her being upset, even if she did understand the seriousness of your DC getting it.

Really?

if your child needs the same hospital protocol as an oncology patient I would have been baffled that you had the audacity to downplay their symptoms and still turned up at my home.

Remember she also said oh, she has a fever? Just give her Calpol. Completely ignoring the needs of a vulnerable child in a 2 bed flat not a 4-5 bed detached home. (Meaning space and how close every room is) so vulnerable child highly likely to contract whatever germs just came in.

I don’t know if in that panic as a mother of said child I would have the patience to be kind and apologetic. The friend should have been.

AnotherEmma · 10/02/2023 23:36

(Also... side issue, but why the fuck does she not use calpol and why on earth did she not have money to buy some?! Was she not planning on spending any money at all during the course of her visit?!)

321user123 · 10/02/2023 23:36

samqueens · 10/02/2023 22:18

If the illness had just come on/worsened on train then she should have arrived completely apologetic and “what to do now” - not assuming it was full steam ahead.

THIS!

Original poster
Terriblefriend07 · 10/02/2023 23:37

Sorry she didn’t have calpol it was us who don’t use it so didn’t have any to give her. She wanted to give calpol.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 10/02/2023 23:39

Oh i see. I guess you don't use it because of DC's complex medical needs. Anyway you didn't have any. But even if you had, not sure calpol has magical powers to prevent children from infecting others! I'd be so angry if I were you OP. I really hope your DD doesn't get it.

Original poster
Terriblefriend07 · 10/02/2023 23:41

Yeh so she has IV paracetamol so we don’t have any oral meds in the house.

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 10/02/2023 23:42

I have a complex needs child and would have also.asked them.to leave. You did the right thing

Orangepolentacake · 10/02/2023 23:43

Terriblefriend07 · 10/02/2023 21:30

our house is an average 2 bed flat.
I was thrown a bit when they first arrived, and was taken by surprise at first or was underplayed oh it’s just a cough. You could see instantly she wasn’t well.
I took her temp not friend and she said well we can just give Calpol. I said I am sorry but I can not have her here.
we then got in to an argument because of the time.
my DC is complex but to make it easier to understand their condition requires the same hospital protocols as an oncology patient when sick with a fever.

YA DEFINITELY NBU - oncology protocol

I’d be very disappointed in this friend for bringing her sick dc near my dc

Caps intended

321user123 · 10/02/2023 23:45

Summerfun54321 · 10/02/2023 22:41

You chucked your friend out onto the street at 8pm with a poorly 4 year old!!? At 4 they can't even properly articulate how they are feeling so no doubt your friend will have had as little warning as you. Why on earth did you invite them to stay if you can't handle other people's germs and viruses and bugs!? If I were your friend, I would be absolutely furious. This isn't her fault, how was she to know her DD would get a temp and be sick after a big journey!?

I doubt OP chucked into the street. But also gave you read the part where her child is very vulnerable and needs the same protocol as an oncology patient?

she said she lives in a flat, so very likely there is a large and warm hallway right outside her door.
To which I would make you move to straight away to prevent those germs staying in and having a larger change to propagate throughout the house.

My child comes first, especially with that level of health care needs.

Mariposista · 10/02/2023 23:52

You have made your choice OP for your own reasons and your own circumstances, and are happy with the decision so what is the point in going round and round it. The friendship will probably be over, but then you made that choice as you felt you had no other alternative so why all the bother?

WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody · 10/02/2023 23:55

@Terriblefriend07

You're right, she IS a terrible friend!

she should have called you from the train station & said her DD has a cough & that she is going to get the train back home OR asked if she could borrow the money for a hotel because she wanted to have a nights rest before taking the train home again.

just turning up at your house & playing down her DD's symptoms is a shit thing to do when she knows how vulnerable your DD is.

it was nice if you to offer to pay for the hotel. I hope it won't leave you too short this month?!

mostly I hope you have both escaped catching it& that her DD makes a quick recovery!

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 10/02/2023 23:57

Terriblefriend07 · 10/02/2023 23:31

@saraclara I keep playing this in my head and going over what I said.

it literally was - they arrived, mentioned a cough and that DD had not drunk much in 2 days I didn’t respond with much but in my head I was like ahh 🤣
kids were in living room and I heard her DD cough I said oh it sounds like a very productive cough.
Her DD was very “ upset “ on and off and was looking very flushed. Friend starts stripping daughter and I can see she is full of a virus. At this point I was not suggesting they left. I ask friend if she had calpol and she said no we do not use calpol so I never had any. I suggested taking her temp and she replied oh but she has had 2 layers of clothes on. I said that shouldn’t cause a fever so still check temp.
i went and got thermometer and when I got back she had said I might need to borrow a blanket as she has thrown up on hers.
i said she looks hot, and took her temp which was obviously quite high. I took my daughter in to her bedroom and went back in and said I’m really sorry but I can’t have her stay here. Friend for flustered and said she didn’t know what she was meant to do but she could keep daughter stripped and get calpol and if should come down. I explained again that I really don’t think she should be here. She got upset about having to do the journey home so I offered the hotel and sent over money for calpol.
she was very short at this point and obviously upset. I never shouted but think after she got upset I probably sounded upset to.

Fucking hell. They'd be permanently removed from my contacts after pulling that stunt - not drunk much in 2 days, already vomited at least once, a productive cough and temp of 39°C mean that the child was ill before she even woke up that morning and your friend knew damn well what she was doing.

From your description, I presume your child has SCID or something similar, and is therefore highly vulnerable to infections of any type. If I was the friend, there's no way on earth my child would cross the threshold of your house; I wouldn't even ring the doorbell as even that could expose you and your child to risk via aerosolised particles. I'd get the next train back and ring you to let you know the score. It's easier to deal with a grumpy but otherwise healthy child for 3 more hours on a train, than spend many days and nights in hospital worrying at the bedside of a severely unwell one.

If I were you, I suspect I would've been far angrier than you are with someone who's endangered my child.

There are very few occasions in life where things are simply black and white, most things are shades of grey. However, in this instance, you were 100% correct in what you did, and far more generous than you needed to be under the circumstances by offering to pay for the hotel, while your friend was completely and totally wrong.

RosyappleA · 11/02/2023 00:00

You done the right thing. My dd is 4 and there is something going around again all the kids have coughs and some at home with a fever. Good thing after February last year we had no more of this sort of things until the following September. Your child comes first. Having had an ill family member for a long time I know people sometimes just don’t get it. I wouldn’t jeopardise someones health. Your friend is out of order imo.

sourdoughismyreligion · 11/02/2023 00:03

You're not a terrible friend, she is. I'm guessing your child is immunocompromised in some way given you have to follow the same protocols as an oncology patient, and to take a sick child to the home of someone who is extremely vulnerable is a bloody outrageous thing to do.

I'm actually really shocked by your friends behaviour. She should have cancelled.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 11/02/2023 00:06

Yes YABU, poor lady is not well, she needs help not turfing out.