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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say this to parents only children

199 replies

lornmower · 09/02/2023 18:45

Quite a few threads recently on parents worrying about not giving their child a sibling / feeling guilty about their being an only child. As an only child looking back - can I please just say to parents - don't feel guilty. The most popular girl in my class was an only child.

I was an only child, and being an only child didn't affect me adversely- I didn't necessarily want company in the school holidays or anything. What really smashed my self confidence to smithereens was my mum trying to force/coerce friendships and calling me selfish when I wouldn't go along with it. So in other words what adversely affected me most was mum not letting me be my own person and this could easily happen to children in large families. What I'm trying to say is don't worry or feel guilty - objectively speaking - it's fine to be an only child - they really are no different as a whole from people with siblings - this is my experience anyway!

OP posts:
TeapotTitties · 09/02/2023 18:48

I'm sure you mean well, but what you've said has been said on just about all of the threads you're talking about.

For some weird reason, they tend to kick off arguments and I'm sure this one will too but that's AIBU for you.

Original poster
lornmower · 09/02/2023 18:50

TeapotTitties · 09/02/2023 18:48

I'm sure you mean well, but what you've said has been said on just about all of the threads you're talking about.

For some weird reason, they tend to kick off arguments and I'm sure this one will too but that's AIBU for you.

Fair enough I just wanted to emphasise the importance of

Only child = fine

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 09/02/2023 18:53

My only sibling tormented me. We haven't spoken in over 8 years.
We silently pass each other by if we happen to be in parents house at same time.
All she brought to my life was misery til I cut ties with her.

Flo84 · 09/02/2023 18:55

Thank you for this. I came from a big family and we are all very close whereas I only have one and at times feel guilty. This was a helpful post for me.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 09/02/2023 18:58

What I'm trying to say is don't worry or feel guilty

I don't. At all. I love my siblings, but we have never regretted having 1 child.

She is kind, considerate, witty, has friends, interacts easily, and we had it relatively easy.

We aren't rich, but we go on great adventures with no need to spread out the funds on school trips, trips to theatre shows, holidays, days out.

DD is 14 now and life is sweet.

underneaththeash · 09/02/2023 18:59

My husband hates being an only and I have three siblings and get on well with them. He wanted to find someone who wanted more than one child.

I varies though - most only children I know are not an only by choice.

IsItBedtimeYetNope · 09/02/2023 19:04

The thjng is OP, that's just your experience. And you have no idea what that other girl's personal life was like. Also what even is "popular" it's such a bullshit term that is only visible from the outside.
I was an only too, and as has been said on loads of threads some of us were extremely lonely and struggled with how to relate to/socialise with other children. You may not like us (no one at school did either so what's new?) but we exist and denying that based on one point of view is dismissive of the potential pitfalls depending on the family/child in question, just like threads about siblings close in age need to acknowledge the possibility of bullying/arguing/infighting between siblings.

Original poster
lornmower · 09/02/2023 19:13

@*IsItBedtimeYetNope
*
Fair enough - I know it's just my experience

OP posts:
Original poster
lornmower · 09/02/2023 19:14

@Flo84** - that's great - glad it's helped Smile

OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 09/02/2023 19:18

Flo84 · 09/02/2023 18:55

Thank you for this. I came from a big family and we are all very close whereas I only have one and at times feel guilty. This was a helpful post for me.

You feel guilty, a random comes along on the internet and tells you not to, and now you don't?

vitahelp · 09/02/2023 19:25

I know you’re right as I was an only child myself, yet I’m finding it hard to accept just having one myself. (Currently tying for baby 2 and having issues)

Ivebeentofairyhousebutiveneverbeentomeath · 09/02/2023 19:27

My daughter has been an only for 8 years and now I'm pregnant, she's not happy! She loves being an only child.

Overthebow · 09/02/2023 19:30

That may be your experience e but it’s not everyone’s. I hate being an only child. I was lonely growing up but it’s now I’m an adult and have a DC myself and older parents that I feel it more.

feellikeanalien · 09/02/2023 19:32

I never realised having an only child was considered a problem by some people until I saw it on Mumsnet.

DisneyChops · 09/02/2023 19:33

Overthebow · 09/02/2023 19:30

That may be your experience e but it’s not everyone’s. I hate being an only child. I was lonely growing up but it’s now I’m an adult and have a DC myself and older parents that I feel it more.

Well, I don't particularly like having siblings.
Go figure.

SchoolTripDrama · 09/02/2023 19:36

IsItBedtimeYetNope · 09/02/2023 19:04

The thjng is OP, that's just your experience. And you have no idea what that other girl's personal life was like. Also what even is "popular" it's such a bullshit term that is only visible from the outside.
I was an only too, and as has been said on loads of threads some of us were extremely lonely and struggled with how to relate to/socialise with other children. You may not like us (no one at school did either so what's new?) but we exist and denying that based on one point of view is dismissive of the potential pitfalls depending on the family/child in question, just like threads about siblings close in age need to acknowledge the possibility of bullying/arguing/infighting between siblings.

Well you've just made me feel even more guilty now as a parent of one. Even though my husband died. Thanks a lot!

ParanoidJo · 09/02/2023 19:40

It’s not an issue. Loads of my friends have one. I have one. I am an only child too and had a lovely childhood and close relationship with my parents, and lots of friends. I was also good at focusing at school and being self motivated with homework but not convinced that’s an only child thing. Do enjoy peace though.

EffortlessDesmond · 09/02/2023 19:48

A friend, who was the then chair of the French psychotherapy institute, said to us when we (ancient parents) were worrying about not delivering a sibling: DC is not an only child, DC is a unique child, just like all the rest. You have friends and families; DC will be fine, provide lots of opportunities for socialising between home and school. And it has been okay.

ferneytorro · 09/02/2023 19:49

lornmower · 09/02/2023 18:45

Quite a few threads recently on parents worrying about not giving their child a sibling / feeling guilty about their being an only child. As an only child looking back - can I please just say to parents - don't feel guilty. The most popular girl in my class was an only child.

I was an only child, and being an only child didn't affect me adversely- I didn't necessarily want company in the school holidays or anything. What really smashed my self confidence to smithereens was my mum trying to force/coerce friendships and calling me selfish when I wouldn't go along with it. So in other words what adversely affected me most was mum not letting me be my own person and this could easily happen to children in large families. What I'm trying to say is don't worry or feel guilty - objectively speaking - it's fine to be an only child - they really are no different as a whole from people with siblings - this is my experience anyway!

Oh god yes - "go and make friends " nope am quite happy here reading my book or whatever thanks. Obviously didn't say that as would have got bollocked for talking back. I was unplanned/a mistake though so I wonder if that makes a difference? I've never felt the need to do it with my daughter.

FloraSpoke · 09/02/2023 19:52

Thank you for sharing your experience OP. I’m an older mother of 1 who is unlikely to have another- it took us 6 years to have our son. I tell myself that families comes in different shapes and sizes and he will benefit from all our resources/attention. But I still feel guilty 🙈.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 09/02/2023 19:56

Thank you for this OP. I do (occasionally) worry about my wee one being an only. But then I was an only until I was 11 and loved it. My sibling was born and we get on OK as adults but aren't particularly close.

Original poster
lornmower · 09/02/2023 20:03

@ferneytorro - glad someone else gets this - the friends thing! Awful to coerce a child like that !

OP posts:
Original poster
lornmower · 09/02/2023 20:09

So glad that I've helped a few people on this thread. !

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2023 20:14

Notimeforaname · 09/02/2023 18:53

My only sibling tormented me. We haven't spoken in over 8 years.
We silently pass each other by if we happen to be in parents house at same time.
All she brought to my life was misery til I cut ties with her.

Same. My brother was violent as a child and somewhere between useless and actively bad as an adult. I would have been a fine only and so would he.

WimpoleHat · 09/02/2023 20:17

Overthebow · 09/02/2023 19:30

That may be your experience e but it’s not everyone’s. I hate being an only child. I was lonely growing up but it’s now I’m an adult and have a DC myself and older parents that I feel it more.

I came on to say exactly the same thing….

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