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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say this to parents only children

199 replies

lornmower · 09/02/2023 18:45

Quite a few threads recently on parents worrying about not giving their child a sibling / feeling guilty about their being an only child. As an only child looking back - can I please just say to parents - don't feel guilty. The most popular girl in my class was an only child.

I was an only child, and being an only child didn't affect me adversely- I didn't necessarily want company in the school holidays or anything. What really smashed my self confidence to smithereens was my mum trying to force/coerce friendships and calling me selfish when I wouldn't go along with it. So in other words what adversely affected me most was mum not letting me be my own person and this could easily happen to children in large families. What I'm trying to say is don't worry or feel guilty - objectively speaking - it's fine to be an only child - they really are no different as a whole from people with siblings - this is my experience anyway!

OP posts:
beautifulpaintings · 10/02/2023 16:54

TeapotTitties · 09/02/2023 18:48

I'm sure you mean well, but what you've said has been said on just about all of the threads you're talking about.

For some weird reason, they tend to kick off arguments and I'm sure this one will too but that's AIBU for you.

Who cares if it kicks off an argument! It's a lovely thing to say.

louise5754 · 10/02/2023 17:03

@MrsTerryPratchett Why are you tagging me if you don't want me to reply. You're happy with your one and only. Move on.

Madeintowerhamlets · 10/02/2023 17:31

Thanks those that have responded about their experiences about being unhappy only children. I’m really sorry to hear, that does sound lonely. I’m very conscious of that type of thing, probably too aware if anything but we do lots with other children/ families including holidays. My DD is also more of an introvert so we balance it with that as OP said not everyone wants to be forced to socialise! Also thanks for starting this thread OP!

Alwayswonderedwhy · 10/02/2023 17:34

That's your experience and it's great that it's a positive one. As an only child there was no way I was not having more than one.

ChocMarshmallows · 10/02/2023 18:19

I think being an only child is great. I have two children and always feel guilty for that as I know my eldest loved having all the attention on him, and now it's split 50:50! There is no end to parental guilt. Whatever you do, you feel guilty. Such is life!

XelaM · 10/02/2023 18:32

From the unhappy only children posts I gather it was a parental issue rather than being an only child issue.

My daughter (who has half-siblings and cousins on her dad's side but doesn't want to spend any time with them) is happy being an only child because:

1.Our house is always open to her friends. Her best friend practically lives with us on weekends and holidays. I never say "no" to a sleepover or play date at our place and have always allowed her to go to her friends' houses.

2.We have many pets, including ponies and a dog.

3.She has a very intense hobby (horse riding) that requires all of her after school and weekend time. Her main social life is around the yard where she and her friends hang out after school and on weekends.

4.She is very much into the latest trends (not necessarily a great thing) but it certainly helps with fitting in with friends.

5.We go on kids-friendly AI holidays usually and I always allow her to go on school trips.

6.In the evenings we watch the latest TV shows together and generally like each other's company. I had her fairly young and she's been my little best girly friend for the last decade. I actually enjoy spending time with her.

Orangepolentacake · 10/02/2023 19:10

IAmTheWalrus85 · 10/02/2023 16:38

For what it’s worth (probably not much) as a very unhappy only child my advice to the parents of only children would be:

Help your child to integrate with their peers as much as possible, including helping them to keep in touch with the cultural touch points of their peers - the TV shows they watch, the music they listen to, etc.

Don’t try to live a childfree life with a child in it (agree with the previous poster about organising holidays for adults while dragging a child along - this was my experience too).

Play with your child - don’t expect them to entertain themselves most of the time. (I think in some ways it’s harder work being the parent of an only than two.

Conversely, don’t smother your child and let them be themselves - it can be suffocating being the sole focus of your parents’ attention and expectations.

Finally - and this one’s really hard to articulate and I may fail miserably so bear with me - don’t ‘gang up’ with your child’s other parent against your child. I’ve noticed how in families with more than one child, including my own, the children get together to ask for something; or often if they’re told off, they’re told off together. Even if they bicker all the time, there’s more than one person in the ‘child’ camp. If one sibling wants something they can say ‘you let Jack have it’ etc etc. I just think it’s important to hear in mind that there’s a huge power imbalance between two adults and one child.

The stereotype is of only children being spoilt but I think I was much less spoilt than friends with siblings because I had so much less ‘leverage’ - my parents could maintain a very strict stance on things and my power to challenge them and change their minds was very limited.

@IAmTheWalrus85 thank you for this post, specially the last point. You did express it well

ssd · 10/02/2023 19:32

I think most of us as parents do what feels right for us at the time. If you are happy with one child then that's absolutely great. I have a nc relationship with my siblings and i grew up like an only child and i wish i had been an only, life would be so much better.
But as someone who always felt like an only child, i hate to say it but I've never understood friends who are close to their siblings and spend birthdays, xmas, new year with them, have siblings who really enrich their lives and have a close relationship....yet they choose to only have one child themselves. I know i don't know everyone's lives but to me it seems strange they wouldn't want their child to have what they have. As an almost only child i long for extended family with a yearning i can't describe. I have great friends but its not the same as family.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/02/2023 20:42

Alwayswonderedwhy · 10/02/2023 17:34

That's your experience and it's great that it's a positive one. As an only child there was no way I was not having more than one.

You might have had my brother. He was very violent to me growing up. There are worse things than no sibling.

I think this comparison is silly. Everyone is comparing their actual life with a fantasy life. What if your sibling had additional needs so you were a young carer? What if your sibling is an arsehole? What if your sibling just didn't like you and excluded you in your own home?

I know people that make their siblings' lives utterly miserable. Frankly including my own. On the other hand DD and I enrich each others' lives a great deal. She's glad she doesn't have a sibling, and I haven't encouraged that from her.

Macaroni46 · 10/02/2023 22:37

IAmTheWalrus85 · 10/02/2023 16:38

For what it’s worth (probably not much) as a very unhappy only child my advice to the parents of only children would be:

Help your child to integrate with their peers as much as possible, including helping them to keep in touch with the cultural touch points of their peers - the TV shows they watch, the music they listen to, etc.

Don’t try to live a childfree life with a child in it (agree with the previous poster about organising holidays for adults while dragging a child along - this was my experience too).

Play with your child - don’t expect them to entertain themselves most of the time. (I think in some ways it’s harder work being the parent of an only than two.

Conversely, don’t smother your child and let them be themselves - it can be suffocating being the sole focus of your parents’ attention and expectations.

Finally - and this one’s really hard to articulate and I may fail miserably so bear with me - don’t ‘gang up’ with your child’s other parent against your child. I’ve noticed how in families with more than one child, including my own, the children get together to ask for something; or often if they’re told off, they’re told off together. Even if they bicker all the time, there’s more than one person in the ‘child’ camp. If one sibling wants something they can say ‘you let Jack have it’ etc etc. I just think it’s important to hear in mind that there’s a huge power imbalance between two adults and one child.

The stereotype is of only children being spoilt but I think I was much less spoilt than friends with siblings because I had so much less ‘leverage’ - my parents could maintain a very strict stance on things and my power to challenge them and change their minds was very limited.

Agree with everything you say @IAmTheWalrus85 especially the bit about the parents ganging up on the child. I experienced this too and was often told how 'difficult' I was, when actually, I was pretty compliant compared to some of my peers.
Really, my parents should never have become parents and indeed, I was an accident (and was regularly told this by my DM along with how lucky I was that she had decided not to abort me).
Again, this was my childhood rather than a generalisation of only children's experience and a lot of this was not to do with being an only child but down to piss poor parenting.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 11/02/2023 05:09

I'm an only child and so grateful for it when I used to hear about how other siblings fought and were the golden children and treated better than there siblings.

I had several friends who were also only children, growing up. None of us were EVER lonely. In fact we felt freer and had more freedom than my friends who had siblings. Growing up an only child you learn to be happy with your own company, learn better resilience, usually are close with your parents. Being an only child is the best, and honest to god I wouldn't change my childhood for all the tea in China and all the coffee in Italy.

Manthide · 11/02/2023 10:46

Not all people can parent an only child and not all people can parent multiple children. Dd3 knows quite a few children who don't have siblings but they have parents who are sensitive to their needs. It can take a bit more effort if you have one child but there's no reason they can't have a very happy childhood and enjoy time on their own with no competition. At the moment I only have my youngest at home so she is an only child and it seems strange after at one time having 4.

Burgoo · 11/02/2023 10:52

I find this alot...

"Oh... you aren't having any more?"

No. Because...

  1. My child doesn't need a sibling to play with - she has friends for that - and shock horror parents who are interested and play with her
  2. They are a financial drain and I don't want to add more to my already bloated outgoings.
  3. I can't afford 2, so we aren't having 2. Having children is a privilege not a right, if you can't afford em, don't have em.
Original poster
lornmower · 11/02/2023 10:54

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 11/02/2023 05:09

I'm an only child and so grateful for it when I used to hear about how other siblings fought and were the golden children and treated better than there siblings.

I had several friends who were also only children, growing up. None of us were EVER lonely. In fact we felt freer and had more freedom than my friends who had siblings. Growing up an only child you learn to be happy with your own company, learn better resilience, usually are close with your parents. Being an only child is the best, and honest to god I wouldn't change my childhood for all the tea in China and all the coffee in Italy.

I agree with the freedom thing ...

OP posts:
Nothing2CHere · 11/02/2023 11:19

Completely agree with OP. I am an only child and felt special and loved growing up. I loved spending time with others and also enjoyed being by myself, I felt independent and not ever lonely. But I do think each child’s experience will be different depending on upbringing, personality and the parents’ attitudes.

Manthide · 11/02/2023 11:27

lollipoprainbow · 10/02/2023 08:01

My dd hates being an only child. She's autistic and finds it impossible to make/keep friends. All the people that say they are happy with one have children that make friends easily or have copious cousins the same age to play with. Not the case for my dd she is desperately lonely.

Ds has autism and I do fee

motherofqilins · 11/02/2023 11:28

only child here and I want to just mention something I think that not many people do talk about when it comes go being an only child. I think yes sibling relationships can be hit and miss so that is not really a good enough reason to have a second. I will say though that especially because I am a only child the responsibility towards I feel towards my parents can be a burden maybe even more if you are a only grandchild too. every free moment I have I have I do not feel is mine as I feel obliged to check in on at least 4 other people etc. I felt loved of course and I try to now pay the same love back but there are days I do wish there was someone that could share a portion of this burden

Manthide · 11/02/2023 11:30

Ds has autism and I do feel having siblings who just accept him for who he is has helped him. He is 19 and he chose a uni close to his eldest sister and she looks out for him.

Fifi00 · 11/02/2023 11:35

motherofqilins · 11/02/2023 11:28

only child here and I want to just mention something I think that not many people do talk about when it comes go being an only child. I think yes sibling relationships can be hit and miss so that is not really a good enough reason to have a second. I will say though that especially because I am a only child the responsibility towards I feel towards my parents can be a burden maybe even more if you are a only grandchild too. every free moment I have I have I do not feel is mine as I feel obliged to check in on at least 4 other people etc. I felt loved of course and I try to now pay the same love back but there are days I do wish there was someone that could share a portion of this burden

Have you asked your parents do they want you to feel responsible for them? I would never want my DD to feel responsible for me I want her to live her life. Fingers crossed as I had her very young I have many many years of good health and DD will be an old lady herself by the time I pass.

motherofqilins · 11/02/2023 11:41

@Fifi00 it's a odd sense of responsibility and hard to explain. of course I for example enjoy talking to my mum on the phone and try to call her every day but there are days where I do think "I wish I could do xyz/have a lie in but that means I won't get to talk to my mum and I know how much happier she feels about the day after we talk etc" I gladly do it but like I said I constantly feel my time is not fully mine.

kikisparks · 11/02/2023 11:55

motherofqilins · 11/02/2023 11:41

@Fifi00 it's a odd sense of responsibility and hard to explain. of course I for example enjoy talking to my mum on the phone and try to call her every day but there are days where I do think "I wish I could do xyz/have a lie in but that means I won't get to talk to my mum and I know how much happier she feels about the day after we talk etc" I gladly do it but like I said I constantly feel my time is not fully mine.

If you were my DD I’d be happier knowing you were doing things you want/ getting a lie in rather than calling me out of obligation and feeling burdened. My mum would love if I called her every day too (I’m not an only child but have a lot of parental pressure) but I don’t because I don’t want to and I’ve decided to live my life for me and not be responsible for her happiness. It’s been hard and I’ve had to have therapy and still have a lot of issues around my desire to please others and hatred of conflict but I have my own DD now and I’m trying to live how I’d like her to live in the future, for herself and I want her to interact with me as an adult because she wants to not due to obligation.

Kennykenkencat · 12/02/2023 17:50

Fifi00 · 10/02/2023 14:15

Did you ask your mum could she physically have more children, did she have health conditions ? Sometimes people cannot have one more than 1 child or it would impact too much on the care of the existing child. Not everyone is cut out for multiple children parenting.

Show quote history

My mother was perfectly capable of having another. She just didn’t want to do such a thing as that would be giving me something I asked for and she was determined I wasn’t going to be spoilt so wouldn’t give me anything asked for.

If the choice was pasta or pizza and I said pizza I would get pasta.

my childhood involved a lot of 2nd guessing and asking for stuff I didn’t want knowing I wouldn’t get what I didn’t want but the might get something I did want or another thing I didn’t want.

Eurydice84 · 13/02/2023 08:34

4yo DD is probably going to be an only. I don't have a lot of family support nearby and with two I would be mentally and financially worn out. Small luxuries that seem possible at the moment - reading a book for 20 min before bed - would go out of the window, and I really need those moments to function as a human being outside parenting and working full time.

I take DD to lots of kid-friendly activities and holidays with baby discos and kid stuff. She made friends with a couple of girls last summer and they played in the pool the whole time.

Financially, I don't have to worry about the cost of activities and hobbies. She goes to swimming classes and would like to do tennis/an instrument. I can do that easily for one, two would have to perhaps settle for one thing

Eurydice84 · 13/02/2023 08:38

I should have also said that I grew up as an only, as my brother was born when I was a teenager. I had a happy childhood but my mum battling with heavy PND made for very sad and miserable teenage years. I am glad I have my brother in my life now, but the impact of those teenage years on my life has been substantial - I had ongoing depression myself and eating disorders.

So, better to be a good parent of an only than not coping with two or more, I would say

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