To say this to parents only children

[lornmower]

Quite a few threads recently on parents worrying about not giving their child a sibling / feeling guilty about their being an only child. As an only child looking back - can I please just say to parents - don't feel guilty. The most popular girl in my class was an only child.

I was an only child, and being an only child didn't affect me adversely- I didn't necessarily want company in the school holidays or anything. What really smashed my self confidence to smithereens was my mum trying to force/coerce friendships and calling me selfish when I wouldn't go along with it. So in other words what adversely affected me most was mum not letting me be my own person and this could easily happen to children in large families. What I'm trying to say is don't worry or feel guilty - objectively speaking - it's fine to be an only child - they really are no different as a whole from people with siblings - this is my experience anyway!

Good point @XelaM
Maybe not having extended family makes me romanticise about what that would be like. And I agree about being able to choose friends. I'm lucky that now, as an adult, I have lots of lovely friends in my life.

I hated being an only child. I was bored and lonely

My mother did have another but the age gap was too great that I really didn’t connect.

When I had Dd I knew I would start trying straight away for a sibling for her. I refused to wait I was so adamant she wouldn’t grow up alone.

Dd and Ds are close in age and were incredibly close growing up. Now as adults they go out together and still get on well.

I really wanted that closeness growing up. Having that ready made friend

I just had a massive row with my daughter last weekend because I dragged her to see some of her cousins and she was being a total brat and couldn't have made it more obvious about how she hated being there 🤦‍♀️It was really embarrassing. But she's 13 and has a large circle of friends who are really into a particular niche sport (show jumping) and she has much more fun and much more in common with them. Her best friend (who is also an only child) practically lives at our house on weekends/holidays, so they are much more like sisters than she is with any of her blood relations (she has loads of half-siblings and cousins).

I have one child. They're not "only" anything. They're my 'everything'. Yeah I would have had more, but 7 losses in 3 years and a near breakdown trying, made me reassess the importance. They're fine, we're fine. Anyone who pities them or us can fuck off.

I spent my time before school started playing out in the street with older children. When I came to going into school we had moved and at that stage I had no idea what another child my age looked like.

It wasn’t the same as seeking out your friends as we didn’t live close to school and family worked 7 days per week. I could go the whole 6 weeks holiday and not speak to a single classmate

they really are no different as a whole from people with siblings

Based on my experience with OC I really doubt this is true. But I don't think being different is a bad thing.

Not having cousins doesn't mean you're lonely! What about friends who you can actually CHOOSE?!

Totally this. I find the logic that assumes that blood relatives will always be more suitable and compatible than friends you've chosen bizarre.

Yes its obviously nice if you happen to have good relationships with siblings and cousins but its by no means a given. Why on earth should your children prefer them over other friends they have sought out?

I find the "family first" ethos stifling and incredibly inward looking anyway.

I'm an only child, for me it was a problem especially when my parents became older and needed a lot of input. No one else stepped up so the burden was constant. That's not to say some only children don't have other support it's just that I didn't and it was a massive problem.

On holidays there was no one to play with. It would be a question of wandering the beach until I found a girl roughly my age I could beg to play with me.

At weekends friends would usually be doing things with their own families - I remember Sundays being especially lonely.

That’s interesting. Roughly when were you born?

Because I was born in the 80s and grew up in the 90s and it was commented on ALL THE TIME. I was the only only in a class of 31 children at school. In fact I think I was in the only one in the whole year.

But I think only children are much more common now and social attitudes towards them have changed. And

I am an only child who could not have children and that is fine. I was not lonely as a child, nor am I lonely now, the two do not go together.

Having just one child is so much better for the environment. That’s not my sole, or even main reason for having one but I do care about the world DD grows up in.

I really don’t get people who come on these threads to say “oh I’d hate having no siblings or I’d hate being a single child family, I have 3/4/5 kids.” Personally I can’t understand having that many children, would hate it and could make certain comments about it but I won’t because I’m not rude.

I don’t wish to invalidate the experience of children raised in one child families who didn’t enjoy it but I do wonder if there were other factors at play such as societal attitudes at the time, quality of parenting, effort by parents to build a social network and opportunities to socialise and have a friendship group etc. Also is the desire for a sibling a romanticised one? I have a sibling, there’s a fairly large age gap, we get on ok but barely speak and are not very close (he lives 5 mins away). I liked having him around as a child, but we were always at different stages. The person I will lean on when my parents pass away will 100% be my DH.

I hope DD doesn’t feel any long lasting distress from not having siblings but the advantages of having one child for us are huge. We will be much more engaged, happier parents of one. We will have a more comfortable lifestyle and be able to survive things like this cost of living crisis without detriment to her. I will be able to continue my career and both feel better as a result and be a role model for her. I won’t have to go off my medication that keeps me from being in debilitating pain and having PMDD and won’t need to go through more IVF both of which would be highly stressful and stress could be passed to her.

At the end of the day I’m not going to have any guilt that she has no siblings because it’s the best choice for our family, I will not create and raise a whole new human that DH and I don’t want just to gift her a sibling she may or may not get on with and who may not enhance her life.

I'm an only child and I loved my childhood, obviously never knew any difference. Now I'm in my 30s I do kind of wish I had someone to lean on that knows my parents as well as I do, and eventually have to organise funerals etc. I have 3 children and while they're young now, they're quite close in age, and I hope they can lean on each other when they're older.

It really depends on personality, doesn't it? Among the siblings in my family, there are some really obvious extroverts and introverts (whereas there are others who are more in between or changeable based on environment). Some people prefer being left alone by themselves all day – being an only child might actually be better for them to thrive. Others would find it awfully lonely.

I’m sorry to hear this. Do you feel your parents could have done more to reduce how lonely you felt as a child? For example increasing your exposure to other kids by involving you in sports or activities at the weekend, play dates and sleep overs with your friends, meet ups with cousins or your parents’ friends who had children of similar ages, kids club on holidays? Would more interaction with your parents have helped for example on holidays playing with you in the sea, building sandcastles, going for walks to explore, playing games, more generally playing board games with you, baking, building lego, doing crafts, chatting about your interests, taking you on day trips related to your interests?

DD won’t have siblings and it’s heartening to hear so many from single child families have had a good childhood but I’m sorry for those who haven’t and wondering if there are things I can do to lessen the chance she has a hard time.

Do you think there are things that can be done to lessen this burden on our children generally but I suppose those without siblings specifically (although I will say that in a lot of situations I’ve seen one sibling carrying the physical and mental load alone.)? Having money aside and a paid care plan in place so that our children don’t have to do any care and can just focus on visiting us if they want to, not as a burden?

Hmmm "each to their own" doesn't make that a kind or helpful post in any way.

Lots of people haven't chosen to just have one & even if they have chosen to just have one your post comes across smug.

I would have loved two, it's unfortunately not possible for us. I'm trying to think of the positives of having an only though. Thank you op for your post.

I am an only child, you don't miss what you've never had.
My daughter is an only child and she is happy without siblings.

You can have siblings though and still be lonely. Siblings have different personalities. The idea that siblings are always best friends is not true.

Yes absolutely

Exactly, not all siblings get along.

We are 1 and done, my child loves it, he's well adjusted, popular, sociable and has always been extremely chatty. People tried to make us feel guilty but we never let it, we love spoiling him and taking him out on a whim. Our lives are a lot easier having a only and we wouldn't change it for the world

DH is an OC, the most confident man I’ve ever met! Amazing with people, hugely likeable, loads of friends. My best friend, also an OC, again, very popular, huge likability, super confident. Both love being an OC.

DH says he would have hated to share his parents and loved having their undivided attention (and cash!). he says he felt their bond as ‘the three musketeers’ was and still is, unbreakable. As a family they have a wonderful close relationship, it’s made me only want to have one child. I’d love what they have!

If you instil confidence in your children, they will thrive as an OC. Jeez, I know of plenty of non OC people with huge issues unrelated to how many siblings they did or didn’t have!

@kikisparks couldn’t have put it better myself. One child families are actually becoming the new norm for a number of reasons.

I work in care and have seen so many situations where elderly patients have 3 or 4 kids but only one of the children takes any responsibility for caring for their parent.
So I wouldn't base having more than one child on this.