To say this to parents only children

[lornmower]

Quite a few threads recently on parents worrying about not giving their child a sibling / feeling guilty about their being an only child. As an only child looking back - can I please just say to parents - don't feel guilty. The most popular girl in my class was an only child.

I was an only child, and being an only child didn't affect me adversely- I didn't necessarily want company in the school holidays or anything. What really smashed my self confidence to smithereens was my mum trying to force/coerce friendships and calling me selfish when I wouldn't go along with it. So in other words what adversely affected me most was mum not letting me be my own person and this could easily happen to children in large families. What I'm trying to say is don't worry or feel guilty - objectively speaking - it's fine to be an only child - they really are no different as a whole from people with siblings - this is my experience anyway!

happy people don’t usually feel the need to do this tho so…

Yeah, nobody says that.

I absolutely hate my sibling, they made my life hell growing up and although we are no contact now I still find it stressful. No regrets here for just having one child.

Do you assume she would get on with a sibling?

My father was an only child who had loads of cousins. We never had a relationship with his side of the family as they were far from us in the country where I’m from.

my mother was one of 3, but she was the only one to have children. She also has a large extended family who she made sure we never had a relationship with.

I have an older sibling. We never got on, argued non stop growing up and have a strained relationship now. We are very different from each other.

my mother’s siblings were/are both quite difficult people to be around, for different reasons.

only my mother, sister and uncle are alive now. I barely have a relationship with my sister, NC with my mother and my uncle never spoke to me again. I’m only in my mid 30s. I moved to a different hemisphere from my family to escape how dysfunctional the whole thing was. I feel alone and sad when I look at other families who get on, people who were brought up by parents who weren’t toxic and have good, caring, loving relationships with them. I really miss what I didn’t have.

I have one son and can’t make up my mind as to whether I’ll have another. I had a very traumatic birth and we’re not sure I would survive another pregnancy. I’m also not sure if I can cope with 2 children (see above: emotional baggage). Whenever I think of him having a sibling, I remember my own sibling and find some comfort in that, if I don’t have another child, I might be sparing him essentially living under the same roof as an enemy.

families are so unique, numbers almost don’t mean that much if what you’re considering is how much support or company your child/ren is/are going to have.

No one knows if their child would be happier with siblings or without (as this thread shows with the diversity of opinions), so patents should choose what is best for them as a family and not feel guilty either way.

Many siblings do not get on or live far away. My mum was an only child and was falling over friends her whole life. I am also an only child but only need a few friends personally. Less is more in my case.

We aren't all walking stereotypes ie pampered spoilt and lonely.

In the same way that firstborns aren't all natural leaders and bossy.

I didn't mind being an only child growing up. Had plenty of friends etc.

But now I'm in my midforties, with a dad at deaths door, I wish I had a sibling. I also wish that I had a sibling in general really to share experiences and have common ground. It is would also been nice for my kids to have cousins from my side of the family.
I'm glad I've got 2 and they have each other. They do quarrel a lot as they are close in age but they genuinely love each other so much and rely on each other.

Well said!

This is why the only child stereotype is ridiculous bpllocks imo. Spoilt and lonely ? That's a contradiction in terms. If only children are indeed 'spoilt' then by definition imo they would never be lonely as 'spoilt' imo means parents bending backwards to make sure all a child's needs are catered for and if they don't like being on their own then making sure they've got company available- be that adult or child company ! Even the stereotype contradicts itself !

I appreciate this is my interpretation of the word 'spoilt' though

@namechange143 Do report this person, it’s none of their business, goes against all principles of person centred care and it’s just outright rude.

they are more than likely doing this to other patients and any one of those things can become barriers to someone seeking healthcare in the future.

A lot of times nature overrules nurture. Depending on the context of course.

I was very much spoilt and lonely. It's not bollocks at all.
I had a playroom full to bursting with every toy imaginable, but nobody to share that with, no friends, no cousins etc. I was bubble wrapped.
I had everything I wanted except for the one thing I really wanted, company.

I came as an only child after an older first born sibling died at birth. Clearly this changes the dynamic somewhat. I was protected to the extent I wasn't even allowed a bike because I might fall off and hurt myself. I wasn't allowed out to play in the street with the other kids, the only friendships I formed were at school and they weren't close especially as those children would all be playing out after school, something I wasn't part of.
By my teens I was climbing the walls and my rebellion when it came was dramatic and involved living rough, lots of alcohol, sex and drugs.

I grew up, I began to understand why my parents were that way, bridges were mended. I nursed my father at home until he died with cancer, whilst studying for a degree and raising two children. There was nobody else, and whilst I realise I couldn't have guaranteed help from a sibling there was always that chance.

After Mum died it left just me and frankly I'd never felt so alone. There were no close cousins, no close family members. Sometimes I'd hear DH reminisce on childhood holidays with his sister and it saddened me because nobody else but me recalled those. I had nobody to say 'hey, remember when?'

Some years on from that I still feel it occasionally. My son married last year, from 'our side' there was just me. It hurt.

It's great that some of you enjoyed it. For me personally I'd have loved a sibling. Everyones experience is different and nobody has the right to say that those experiences are bollocks.

@Fuss - fair enough - maybe my definition of 'spoilt' is incorrect in many people's eyes.

I hated being an only child. I was bored and lonely

My mother did have another but the age gap was too great that I really didn’t connect.

This was my experience too. It was a pretty miserable existence and I was deathly jealous of everyone at school who had siblings.

I don't think your situation was a typical one for only children. It came through your parents suffering a tragedy.

My grandmother had an older brother who was run over by a bus at the age of 12 before she was born. That shaped her parents' lives and her childhood in many ways. Although when she grew up she turned into one of the most bubbly and sociable people I know with an immense circle of friends. I think it completely depends on the character of the person as to whether they feel lonely or not.

My own daughter has a large circle of friends and they all socialise together all the time. They all hang out at the same yard after school and on weekends. So she never has any time or interest to socialise with her blood relations. I had a brother and my social life wasn't that great. We had different interests and his own friends. I had my own friend. Having a brother at home didn't make me any less lonely.

I agree in part.
But the feeling of incredible loneliness in later life now everyone has gone isn't part of that tradgedy.

Only Child = Most Popular Child

which is what you said.

Being popular isn't important.

Could it be related to the fact that your parents didn’t promote your social skills and kept you in bubble wrap as you said?

Spoilt means catering for the child’s wants not needs

A parent cannot buy friends for their child no matter how much they would want to

I was incredibly lonely growing up. My family would say they didn’t want to spoil me and give me everything I asked for.

This resulted in me getting nothing I asked for.

It has left a huge block in my life to the point that people don’t buy me presents unless I ask for something specific that I know is easy to get. I don’t want to be surprised by a thoughtful gift as it usually shows me you were thinking only of yourself when you bought it and don’t know me at all.

I have dropped long friendships over thoughtful gifts.

No, I don't think so. I walked out at 17. I honed my social skills at that point and made friends, many of which I still see now. Socially I'm fine, it's difficult to explain but it's more not having that familial link to my own past if that makes sense.

As I say I felt it the most at DS's wedding. All the close families, my lovely DIL's siblings and their children. There are no nieces, no nephews for me to spoil, no little cousins. And whilst I know none of that is guaranteed you do think 'what if'.

I see. I think I have an idea of what you mean, albeit my circumstances are different, I feel similarly in terms of missing a familial bond. The large family was there, in my case, but no bond.

These threads end up so depressing...I have 1 sibling who is 6.5 years younger so we were never at the same stage in life, 6 and 12 or 12 and 18 are HUGE gaps. We were not close growing up and in essence we were like two only children.

I have more than 20 cousins between the two sides of the family and I was not and am not close to a single one of them. Despite 'family gatherings' etc.

In fact my mother was close with one of her sisters and that meant we spent a lot of time with her kids too, one girl older and one boy younger than me and I hated my girl cousin as she was a mean, jealous bully and I was forced to spend a lot of time with her.

I am reasonably close to my own sibling now although we live a great distance away from each other and only meet in person a handful of times a year. We're in our 40's & 50's now and it has taken years and years to get to this point.

I really don't understand people saying I'm alone dealing with elderly parents etc especially of you're married and have kids. My parents have had extreme ill health over the past couple of years and my dh has been my support - not my sibling in any practical sense.

I have a best friend who has known me since we were 12 and we're really close and she has that shared memory of our familes growing up etc

We have an only dc who is now late teens and they are sociable, popular, kind, socially really able. So much of our family experiences in general come from the dynamic of the entire composition of the family, how the parents are etc

We're very active and sociable and see our friends a lot and we have always encouraged the exact same for dd. She has a lovely circle of pals and is really happy.

The least happy of all her friends was a girl who was the 3rd child of a family of four and she was always vying for 'top dog' status in the group, causing drama to make herself the centre of attention and was very jealous of dd and another friend who is also an only child. It seemed to stem from competing for attention and having an older brother who commanded a lot of the parents focus. So, there are no guarantees really...

I think dh and I are super conscious of making dd's like as rounded as it can be and we talk about things like not taking it for granted when she comes to visit (when she goes to university next year) in the way our parents do. We have always maintained our adult lives and while we will really miss her we are prepared for her to have her independence etc

I have no regrets at all and the only thing I hope for is that she meets someone who loves and cherishes her as much as we do.

I really don't understand people saying I'm alone dealing with elderly parents etc especially of you're married and have kids.

And thats ok that you don't understand, but it still doesn't mean that those feelings aren't legitimate for the others.