To say this to parents only children

[lornmower]

Quite a few threads recently on parents worrying about not giving their child a sibling / feeling guilty about their being an only child. As an only child looking back - can I please just say to parents - don't feel guilty. The most popular girl in my class was an only child.

I was an only child, and being an only child didn't affect me adversely- I didn't necessarily want company in the school holidays or anything. What really smashed my self confidence to smithereens was my mum trying to force/coerce friendships and calling me selfish when I wouldn't go along with it. So in other words what adversely affected me most was mum not letting me be my own person and this could easily happen to children in large families. What I'm trying to say is don't worry or feel guilty - objectively speaking - it's fine to be an only child - they really are no different as a whole from people with siblings - this is my experience anyway!

Such a lovely post.

And I agree about caring for elderly parents. My grandparents on my mum's side lived closer to my mum and dad and when both became ill, it was my dad who fully supported my mum with their care. Her brother was far away and couldn't really help because of his own commitments. My mum gets on well with her brother, but he in no way lessened her load of the care for their parents and there were great difficulties when it came to splitting the inheritance (my grandmother was wealthy).

I didn't feel lonely at all as an only child. I had a dog and I played the piano. I think as long as you feel lived and cherished that is all you need.

My son is an only child but he does have half siblings who he feels a strong connection with. He has told me plenty of times he does not mind being an only one. He is nearly 18 and very together.

I have 2 siblings and none of us speak to one another. We're all nc.

Just because you have a sibling doesn't mean you'll get along.

I really don't understand people saying I'm alone dealing with elderly parents etc especially of you're married and have kids.

Well, for a start, it’s my job to protect my kids from some of the shitshow! I certainly can’t ask two school aged children to phone the doctor/carers/social services. And my DH supports me with it all, yes - but it’s wholly different from having another independent, related person to do all those things. The doctor/carers/social services will talk to me as I’m the child. They simply won’t/can’t talk to him in the same way. A sibling can share the burden; a spouse can only realistically support me in dealing with it.

Yep. My beat friend has 3 sisters, one of whom is her twin(!) and she is not close to either of them. Growing up, she absolutely hated her middle sister who bullied her and stole her things and her older sister had her own life and friends. Her own twin surprisingly has a very different personality to my friend and they have never been particularly close. Her twin is very introverted and quiet, always preferred her own company and has moved out with her long-term boyfriend who my friend doesn't particularly like. Now in her late 30's my friend is amicable with them all, but only sees them on occasion. I am much closer to her than her sisters.

best*

@Fuss

And thats ok that you don't understand, but it still doesn't mean that those feelings aren't legitimate for the others.

The feelings of only children who had a bad time may be legitimate but that isn't a reason for people to pile onto a chat thread and tell total strangers that they are being selfish because they don't have multiple children. As has happened on this thread and many others.

@WimpoleHat in an ideal world yes your sibling would. But there are no guarantees. Do I honestly think my brother in Scotland who I barely speak to will step up
and help me with my elderly parents who live down the road? I very much doubt it. He’ll be keen to get his inheritance though. My OH has supported me so much more.

And thats not something I have ever said on this nor any other thread so I'm unsure why I was singled out for that comment.

It's a personal choice for any parent to make, some only children were pretty miserable, others not and enjoyed every moment. It's for the individual to weigh up what they feel is right for them.

Those saying that they weren’t lonely as an only child probably had parents who were there for them. Parents who took on board that as an only they would need to put in more effort to give their child opportunities to meet other children.

They are also probably NT

Not everyone experiences life in the same way.

My childhood was horrific. Loneliness was just one part and having no one to share the horror with meant that there was no one to confirm what was happening.

I swore that if I had a child then I would do everything in my power to give them a sibling as soon as possible.

Whilst I never would do what my mother did. I would never put my child in a position where there wasn’t anyone else they could turn to.

My mother would tell people that I was very happy being an only child. I learnt early on that disagreeing with her wasn’t worth the years of arguments and accusations that I was a liar. That I had lied just to get attention and people to think she was so awful not giving me a sibling.

I arrange all of my DMs care she has severe MH issues and health issues. My siblings have gone NC with her and won't have anything to do with it. Another one travels and I haven't seen him face to face for 5 years. All the care burden falls to me having siblings is no guarantee they will help you.

Did you ask your mum could she physically have more children, did she have health conditions ? Sometimes people cannot have one more than 1 child or it would impact too much on the care of the existing child. Not everyone is cut out for multiple children parenting.

I'm hoping that when DS is older having a conversation with him to explain our reasoning for him being an only may help but who knows. These threads do make me feel guilty but it is what it is.

And this is the problem with these endless threads. We are being made to feel guilty by people who know nothing about us or our lives or our choices but are basing their views on stereotypes, or on their own abusive childhoods.

But the posters saying they had a miserable childhood as an only child what did you expect your parents to do? Have another child just so you weren’t lonely? Maybe they couldn’t have another child anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️. I just think life isn’t fair & you don’t always get what you want. It’s ok to feel sad of course & no one is saying your feelings aren’t legitimate. But where does it get you really? And like PP said why air it on a thread like this?

My 5yr old autistic DS would not have coped with siblings when small (neither would I) and I'm too old now to have another. I still don't think he would cope, as although he loves spending time with his cousin he needs quiet time after to decompress. It was one of my main reasons for being one and done.

Op, thank you for this x

@Fuss

And thats not something I have ever said on this nor any other thread so I'm unsure why I was singled out for that comment

You weren't being singled out for that comment, I was simply replying to your comment. The poster I was specifically singling out was @louise5754 who came out with some absolutely toxic remark about how people who expressed happiness with having an only child were "smug".

I was just pointing out that the fact some people experienced loneliness was an only child does not automatically mean every parent who chooses not to have multiple children is selfish.

Well that's not what I said is it

You were being a bit of a dick. Just own that and move on. Defending your dickishness just drags it out.

I do take your point. My parents couldn’t have another. Obviously I don’t blame them for that.

I was a miserable only child and personally I think that there’s a lot my parents could have done to make me a less miserable only child. And there seem to be some themes running through the experiences of miserable only children. There are happy only children - it isn’t like only children are doomed to be miserable. Maybe it’s helpful to parents of only children to be aware of what makes miserable only children? I have two children and I find it helpful to learn about what makes happy sibling relationships and how parents can foster them.

Stereotyping of only children seems like a very dated thing that persists in being passed on through the generations.
Which is quite strange given how much more we know these days about child development.
Any child, with or without siblings, can experience loneliness or any other stereotyped traits.

Labelling/judging people based on the number of children in the household is so old fashioned. We all know it's how the household is run, and what goes on both behind and in front of closed doors - childhood nurture and environment/experience - that moulds the person.

[I am not an only child and have two children.]

I expected my parents to make an effort to provide me with situations where there were other children. For example, my parents disliked having other children to the house so rather than encouraging play dates they discouraged them. My DM made very little effort to befriend other mothers (she was a SAHM when I was little so did have the opportunity).
Another example is holidays. Rather than going somewhere with a holiday club or lots of kids, it would be a cultural holiday traipsing around a city which interests them but offered a young child very little in terms of playing with others.
I expected my parents to have at least considered getting me some sort of pet or allowing me to go on school residential trips.
Another example is that they would never give me a lift anywhere so when I was a teenager, even if I was invited to a party, it was tricky for me to go. It was almost as if they were doing everything in their power to keep me isolated!
However, this is my experience and I do appreciate it does not mean all only child experience the same. In fact, as an adult, one of my closest friend had an only. She was proactive in providing her child with peers and became a child minder so that her DD could have regular similar aged children around her.

@Macaroni46 That is actually a very interesting point you are making. I'm 1 of 2 children, but it's probably a good job as my parents didn't like other peoples children very much and would do as little child friendly stuff as possible (well DM would have done but DF has always been a grumpy old man) so they took us on walking holidays to remote places like Northumbria-beautiful obviously but no fun for primary aged children! Also we were not allowed sleepovers or rarely having a friend round for tea.
I have 1 DD. Without being too pushy I've always tried to be friendly to other mums, encourage playdates and we go to places on holiday with kids clubs. I've learnt from my parents as I didn't like their ways, and do my best to encourage DD to be around other kids often.

For what it’s worth (probably not much) as a very unhappy only child my advice to the parents of only children would be:

Help your child to integrate with their peers as much as possible, including helping them to keep in touch with the cultural touch points of their peers - the TV shows they watch, the music they listen to, etc.

Don’t try to live a childfree life with a child in it (agree with the previous poster about organising holidays for adults while dragging a child along - this was my experience too).

Play with your child - don’t expect them to entertain themselves most of the time. (I think in some ways it’s harder work being the parent of an only than two.

Conversely, don’t smother your child and let them be themselves - it can be suffocating being the sole focus of your parents’ attention and expectations.

Finally - and this one’s really hard to articulate and I may fail miserably so bear with me - don’t ‘gang up’ with your child’s other parent against your child. I’ve noticed how in families with more than one child, including my own, the children get together to ask for something; or often if they’re told off, they’re told off together. Even if they bicker all the time, there’s more than one person in the ‘child’ camp. If one sibling wants something they can say ‘you let Jack have it’ etc etc. I just think it’s important to hear in mind that there’s a huge power imbalance between two adults and one child.

The stereotype is of only children being spoilt but I think I was much less spoilt than friends with siblings because I had so much less ‘leverage’ - my parents could maintain a very strict stance on things and my power to challenge them and change their minds was very limited.