To say this to parents only children

[lornmower]

Quite a few threads recently on parents worrying about not giving their child a sibling / feeling guilty about their being an only child. As an only child looking back - can I please just say to parents - don't feel guilty. The most popular girl in my class was an only child.

I was an only child, and being an only child didn't affect me adversely- I didn't necessarily want company in the school holidays or anything. What really smashed my self confidence to smithereens was my mum trying to force/coerce friendships and calling me selfish when I wouldn't go along with it. So in other words what adversely affected me most was mum not letting me be my own person and this could easily happen to children in large families. What I'm trying to say is don't worry or feel guilty - objectively speaking - it's fine to be an only child - they really are no different as a whole from people with siblings - this is my experience anyway!

I loved being an only. It made me necessarily independent and forced me to develop social skills my essentially shy nature might not have found. I have a life filled with the loveliest friends and had a childhood full of care and love. Siblings can look idyllic in a way being an only rarely does but they are very rarely quite so wholesome close up. We all take a gamble when we have each child - the things that make us happy or not are very personal variables so being an only is as likely to work as anything else.

If you can't have a second due to coats, circumstances, health or fertility issues that's different.

Just sick of smug people saying if you have more than one you need your head looking at.

Yep. My brother has a very close circle of friends. They all go on holidays together, travel, meet up etc. He is much closer to them than to me or to our cousins. And I'm much closer to my best friend from school than I am to my brother or cousins. We all get on, but our friends are much closer to us than our siblings/cousins.

I don't understand why not having siblings or cousins automatically makes anyone lonely. My daughter doesn't have any time to see her cousins (unless I force her) because she's always out with her friends every weekend.

@louise5754 I’m sick of people saying just one child? Or “just” have another. Such ignorance out there. I’d never dream of questioning a larger family, certainly not in public anyway. So why is it ok to quiz and judge me on what could be a very sensitive matter? I could be recovering from a miscarriage.

Why is it different if someone can’t have a second vs someone who chooses to? The end result is the same- a single child family.

Also nobody on this thread has said if you have more than one you need your head looking at? I’m surprised anyone has said to you that having more than one child means you need your head looking at, as more than one is still the norm, but either way I’m not sure why someone somewhere saying that justifies you being rude about families with one child on a thread that was meant to be a reassurance to such families?

@TwistandSprout this. My OH is an only. All I hear about is how popular he is with fantastic social skills. Best man 4 times. On the other hand I was bullied by my brother and my OH has been great at building my confidence and life skills. He is my rock, not my sibling.

Just sick of smug people saying if you have more than one you need your head looking at.

Literally no one has said this, here or anywhere else that I’m aware of.

Some parents of onlies can get a bit defensive, but surely it’s obvious why, when we’re constantly told on the basis of no evidence whatsoever that our kids will be lonely, weird and miserable?

I have a brother that is two and a half years younger than me, we never really played together as children, now we are in our sixties we only see each other once a year just before Christmas, to exchange family presents for DC and now DGC, we get on ok but have nothing really in common, he lives about 5 miles away

DS is an only child and never seemed bothered by it, he has always had a large circle of friends.

Thank you for this thread.

I'm someone who started a thread about only children recently...I'm personally happy with it but I do feel guilty about 'social norms'...and people's seemingly endless comments!
DD has lots of friends, we are always doing something or seeing someone, but she also has days when she wants to chill on her own.
We actually still have all the baby furniture (she's just turned 5) and I've been agonising over whether to sell it. I think I will! DD has had times when she's asked for a sister but it's only ever being fleetingly. She hasn't asked now for a few months now,I think (hope) she's happy as we are.

I think what you say is absolutely true, and something I'll try and remember.

I don't understand why not having siblings or cousins automatically makes anyone lonely

Unless you’re in that position, it’s quite hard to “get”. But the older I get, the more I feel it. And I am very lucky: I have a fantastic DH, two wonderful kids and some really great friends. But there’s nobody who really “gets” me and my family dynamic and the way I grew up. I’m totally alone in dealing with (divorced) and problematic elderly parents. And - if I didn’t have my own family now, I wouldn’t automatically have a place at anyone’s table, if you see what I mean? I’m sure friends would be kind and include me for Christmas etc, but there’s something deep seated about most people’s familial bonds.

Look - I’m often on these threads where you have guilt ridden parents of only children to tell them that life isn’t perfect and that we all just make the best of what we have. My DH doesn’t get on with his siblings and would probably have preferred to be an only in all honesty; if there’s more time and money, there are more opportunities etc etc. Life isn’t perfect or black and white - there are pros and cons in every situation. And you can’t guarantee that kids will get on and be great friends. But as the mother of two who do, absolutely I think that they’re better off than I was. And my perspective has shifted more and more that way the older I’ve got. Being an only child was great at 4, fine at 14 and pretty bloody challenging at 40.

@louise5754

Just sick of smug people saying if you have more than one you need your head looking at.

That's a warped and spiteful interpretation of what's being said.

There are threads on here a couple of times a week from a woman feeling guilt because she's not able or willing to provide her child with a sibling

If anyone is being "smug" its people like you piling in to say you can't imagine being or having an only child.

There's another thread running at the moment posted by someone asking why it is that women feel the need to procreate multiple times with lazy or abusive men when it's clear after the first child that the man won't step up and deliver what's needed to support an existing child.

If you choose not to have multiple children with a man who's not up to the job and then get taken to task by people on the internet for not supplying him with a small football team of children why does that make you "smug"?

Many women can't have more than one. Many women could but don't want to get trapped in a cycle of dependence on a man who isn't good enough to be a father or don't want to take a decade out of the workforce and lose all their financial independence to have multiple children. If you've made a decision like this and some random accuses you of being selfish you are likely to have strong feelings about it.

That's not being "smug", it's putting your children first.

My dd hates being an only child. She's autistic and finds it impossible to make/keep friends. All the people that say they are happy with one have children that make friends easily or have copious cousins the same age to play with. Not the case for my dd she is desperately lonely.

I have a brother, two years younger than me. My parents decided to move to be nearer to him and his wife because they ‘liked the area’.
It feels like they chose him over me. As childish as that sounds.
So if I didn’t have a sibling they may well have moved near to me and my family.

Some siblings enrich your life and some make it worse. No point in being prescriptive about it.

I wrangle with this often. I have 1 DS. I technically could probably have another but pregnancy took a huge toll on my body and my mental health. My view is that is rather be here physically and mentally for him than risk those things by having another. So rightly or wrongly he won't be having a sibling. I just hope he has a good life regardless.

…but there’s something deep seated about most people’s familial bonds.

which is great as long as there wasn’t as toxic family, a golden child, large age gaps between DC, disability, death of sibling, divorce etc etc. all of which can really turn things on their head and deep seated familial bonds between siblings end up not being positive at all.

You can however have deep seated familial bonds with family members other than siblings, as well as deep seated bonds with non family members.

I haven't heard anyone with one child being smug about it. Either through choice or not.

The only time I've heard anything is when they're defending themselves from people asking why or when they're having another.

Took my little one to the Drs with me the other week & the nurse said "just the one? That can cause problems in itself you know. Bet it costs lots having no hand me down clothes too".

It really upset me for the whole day & I kept thinking about it.

Shame people can be so judgmental.

I’m actually from a large family, but I was the youngest by a long way. I spent most of my childhood alone, all the siblings above me were boys who weren’t interested in girls etc. we aren’t close at all.

DH has dozens of cousins and they were forced to socialise as kids, as adults they have mostly nothing in common. He also doesn’t live in his home town. He tried to maintain a relationship with them but they’ve all grown up as very different people.

That's awful what the nurse said - awful that someone with a professional job can say something so immature.

I also hate prejudice towards large families. My grandad was one of 13 and ended up thriving. Kids can also thrive in large families - kids don't need that much one to one attention - they often wish their parents would do one - haven't we all been there? - so if anyone wants 10 kids - that's potentially good also as long as parents allow them to be their own person!

That’s worrying a nurse is so lacking in common sense and logic. There would be no hand me downs for a first child so why would it cost any more having one child? And it would cost a heck of a lot more having a second and paying for childcare, food, consumables, trips etc!

Some people just love to judge, probably says more about their own insecurities than it does whoever they’re judging.

So you wanted to displace your own feelings of upset onto others? Onto people who maybe struggling with poor mental health or secondary infertility. But even if they aren't they shouldn't have to justify their choice to have one, everyone should do what's right for them and their family whether that's 1 or 4 kids or whatever. Some people just can't afford more than one. No one should feel pressure to have a child just so their child has a sibling.

@whatsonyoured No of course not. Nothing wrong with only having one child.

I think people take having children too lightly. It is a big decision to have a child, it's not just about having a baby or a playmate for your first child. A child is for life, not just for babyhood (to adapt a phrase). Some women seem to pop out babies without trying, and then complain about lack of space/lack of money/childcare costs/everything else. And it's even more annoying when the father has already proved he is useless but they carry on having children with him. If that comment makes me smug, so be it.

I haven’t felt guilty about only having one, seeing all these threads has made me a bit confused, like should I feel guilty?
I have a uterine abnormality. It took me 3 years and 2 early losses to get my son. Any pregnancy I have is considered high risk. I had hyperemesis. I’m not doing it again.

Seeing as I’m a single parent now, I think it’s likely my son will end up with a half sibling or step siblings on his dads side, and I’d be happy with that (my kid gets a sibling and I don’t have to look after another child).

I think there are pros and cons for having one child just like there are pros and cons of having lots of kids. As long as the parents of the kids are doing their best I think it’s really shitty to say or imply people should feel guilty for the shape of their family.

I never understand this 'debate'.

Some only children will be happy. Some won't. Some children with siblings will be happy. Some won't.

Having or not having siblings is just one of the many, many factors in an individual's happiness, not the single defining factor.