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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say this to parents only children

199 replies

lornmower · 09/02/2023 18:45

Quite a few threads recently on parents worrying about not giving their child a sibling / feeling guilty about their being an only child. As an only child looking back - can I please just say to parents - don't feel guilty. The most popular girl in my class was an only child.

I was an only child, and being an only child didn't affect me adversely- I didn't necessarily want company in the school holidays or anything. What really smashed my self confidence to smithereens was my mum trying to force/coerce friendships and calling me selfish when I wouldn't go along with it. So in other words what adversely affected me most was mum not letting me be my own person and this could easily happen to children in large families. What I'm trying to say is don't worry or feel guilty - objectively speaking - it's fine to be an only child - they really are no different as a whole from people with siblings - this is my experience anyway!

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 09/02/2023 20:23

I was brought up as an ‘only’ as my older brothers had left home and I was very lonely and socially disadvantaged in many ways. It affected my self esteem for years.

Strangely now I’m older the age difference seems less between me and one of my brothers and we have a very special bond.

I think you can’t tell - some onlys will thrive and be fine, others may have coped better in a larger family. Its sad when siblings don’t get on but I think it’s very special and life enhancing when they do.

MrsMariaReynolds · 09/02/2023 20:37

underneaththeash · 09/02/2023 18:59

My husband hates being an only and I have three siblings and get on well with them. He wanted to find someone who wanted more than one child.

I varies though - most only children I know are not an only by choice.

I think that is what makes the judgement about only children particularly cruel, more often than not it is because of consequence, not choice. And that is still ok.

I'm an only child raising my now 15 year old only DS. We have a nice and unique family dynamic, just the three of us. My son has a close relationship with both me and DH, just as I had (and still do) with my own parents.

seven201 · 09/02/2023 20:45

I appreciate the message. I have secondary infertility and reading things like this does make me feel a tiny bit less shit about it.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 09/02/2023 20:50

My experience of being an only child was great - even though caring for my mum with mobility issues and dementia was so hard. I would not have wanted a sibling.

My husband and I have five adult kids who are the best of friends (now!) and when they are all home together with their spouses my husband and I just sit back and watch the chaos and provide the food! I doubt any one of them would have chosen to be an only child.

Either can be wonderful or horrendous depending on so many factors but I really don't think anyone should feel guilty about having an only child.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 09/02/2023 20:54

Thank you OP. I needed this. You are so kind taking the time to create this thread

louise5754 · 09/02/2023 20:55

I'm so glad I'm not an only child and neither are my kids 🤷‍♀️

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2023 20:55

louise5754 · 09/02/2023 20:55

I'm so glad I'm not an only child and neither are my kids 🤷‍♀️

Having siblings really helped with your empathy and understanding. Well done you.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 09/02/2023 20:57

louise5754 · 09/02/2023 20:55

I'm so glad I'm not an only child and neither are my kids 🤷‍♀️

Thanks for letting us know that pointless info

whatsonyoured · 09/02/2023 20:58

louise5754 · 09/02/2023 20:55

I'm so glad I'm not an only child and neither are my kids 🤷‍♀️

Great contribution from someone with neither any experience of being an only or parenting one. You post also just come across as mean spirited.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 09/02/2023 21:01

Louise5754 secondary infertility is a thing.

XelaM · 09/02/2023 21:01

I have a younger brother and I HATED it when he was born. Prior to that, I got all the attention, then he came along. We were never close growing up (at all). Now we're both adults I love him and am proud of his accomplishments (he's very successful) but we only see each other for family gatherings, so we're not particularly close.

My dad and his brother had a big falling out and haven't spoken in 20 years. Growing up, my dad's brother was always the golden child and my dad was not particularly liked especially by his mum.

My mum and her brother live in different countries and although they get on, they see each other once a year maybe.

Having a sibling does not mean you're going to be close.

ohyouknowwhatshername · 09/02/2023 21:03

louise5754 · 09/02/2023 20:55

I'm so glad I'm not an only child and neither are my kids 🤷‍♀️

I hope your children are kinder and more tactful than you.

Eloisalily · 09/02/2023 21:03

My experience is very different. I’ve hated being an only child my whole life. And now both of my parents have cancer, we don’t have any other family members even alive. I’m 36, and I do wish I had a sibling to share this with.
And yes I know not all siblings get on well as adults.
my parents chose to have just me, and I don’t understand that personally. Different if you can’t actually have another one.
my experience would be different if I had other family I think. I was the only niece and only grandchild. I grew up very mature and like a mini adult as no kids in the family. I have had 4 children myself and would have loved them to have an auntie or uncle on my side…

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/02/2023 21:07

It never occurred to me to feel guilty about having an only child and I wouldn’t have thought about it at all until I came on here and found a few small minded people foisting theories based half baked psychology and loneliness onto us.

I didn’t have any choice in the matter because my husband was an abusive alcoholic so it would have been irresponsible to have had a second baby with him after I learned how badly he coped with one. And I just felt proud of myself for having got through it in a way that protected myself and my daughter.

But no apparently I should feel bad for having failed to give her a sibling because, you know, that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Honestly anyone who presumes to judge anyone else for the size and shape of their family deserves contempt and their views are utterly without merit.

ohyouknowwhatshername · 09/02/2023 21:08

Thank you for your post OP. I had my DS late in life and he is an only. I hope he finds someone lovely to share his life with and maybe has children of his own one day. I hope he continues to have lots of friends and is not lonely.

Animallover87 · 09/02/2023 21:09

I was always happy as an only child and my DC will be an only too, through choice. Don't get the stigma at all!

Beginbylettinggo · 09/02/2023 21:10

I'm an only because of circumstance, not choice. I had a wonderful childhood but I feel enormous responsibility to my parents now as an adult. I find the loneliness much more profound now than I did as a child. Friends come and go and I wish I had someone close in age with whom I could remember old family times with.

cazinge · 09/02/2023 21:11

I am an only (by parent's choice) & like a PP, the only niece and grandchild as my Mum was also an only and my Dad's brother is childless. I was desperate for a sibling growing up and treated like an adult. I also have struggled with friendships as an adult. I feel indifferent to it now, although I do wish I had someone to share the load with of ageing parents sometimes.

I was determined to have more than 1 DC and now have 2. My DS is an amazing big brother and would rub along with anyone but I suspect my DD would have been happier/"easier" as an only. I was a much better parent when we had just 1 (DS) and find managing 2 a daily struggle so I can now understand why my parents didn't have anymore.

HereComesMaleficent · 09/02/2023 21:11

My son is an only, I'm from a sibling pair with my brother.

Me and my brother are close, so my only has the benefit of 3 first cousins who he is really close to on that side.

He also has 3 first cousins on his paternal side he is also close too.

He has lots of friends and is popular in school. He enjoys a wealth of activities where he also has friends.

He's far from lonely ! If anything I think he enjoys down time in the house on his own, and doing his own thing.

Camillialane · 09/02/2023 21:16

Really lovely post, thank you Flowers

CalistoNoSolo · 09/02/2023 21:19

Dd is an only because I didn't want another. She was perfect when she was born, perfect growing up and perfect as an older teen. I can give her time, finances and experiences that would not have been possible if I'd had more children. She is generous with her time and things and has a very tight friendship group that formed when she started secondary. I honestly can't understand why so many people are anti only children.

Noicant · 09/02/2023 21:21

I had one because I struggle with being a parent (it’s not her, it’s definitely me). I was parented poorly and it had a life long impact. I would rather be an ok parent to one than a shit parent to two. I am close to my own siblings but DH isn’t to his. There are no guarantees.

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 21:22

I would have hated to be an only child luckily I'm 1 of 4 can't think of anything worse that once parents go your all alone in the world. Thats why I also have 4 🤣 each to there own tho 🙂

DisneyChops · 09/02/2023 21:37

I do find it funny when people come on threads like this and say 'oh I would hate to be an only', or 'I don't understand why anyone would have one by choice' and then on the next line say 'but each to their own'.

whatsonyoured · 09/02/2023 21:37

DisneyChops · 09/02/2023 21:37

I do find it funny when people come on threads like this and say 'oh I would hate to be an only', or 'I don't understand why anyone would have one by choice' and then on the next line say 'but each to their own'.

I agree, I think they just want to antagonise or upset people

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