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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say this to parents only children

199 replies

lornmower · 09/02/2023 18:45

Quite a few threads recently on parents worrying about not giving their child a sibling / feeling guilty about their being an only child. As an only child looking back - can I please just say to parents - don't feel guilty. The most popular girl in my class was an only child.

I was an only child, and being an only child didn't affect me adversely- I didn't necessarily want company in the school holidays or anything. What really smashed my self confidence to smithereens was my mum trying to force/coerce friendships and calling me selfish when I wouldn't go along with it. So in other words what adversely affected me most was mum not letting me be my own person and this could easily happen to children in large families. What I'm trying to say is don't worry or feel guilty - objectively speaking - it's fine to be an only child - they really are no different as a whole from people with siblings - this is my experience anyway!

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 09/02/2023 21:38

I'm an only who hated it, however as I've said on other threads my issues were mostly circumstantial and had I had siblings...no doubt they would have ended up in therapy too.

Personally from talking to various onlies who were unhappy, I think bad parenting/circumstances are the biggest factor. For example we followed my dad around Europe, moving every few years so I was always the new girl having to make friends. Obviously having a sibling may have helped as I would have at least known one person on each first day, but staying put would have too.

Mincedpies · 09/02/2023 21:42

feellikeanalien · 09/02/2023 19:32

I never realised having an only child was considered a problem by some people until I saw it on Mumsnet.

Completely this!

I’m an only and it’s never, ever been commented on. Ever.

My friends tend to have siblings and that’s never, ever commented on. Ever.

But on Mumsnet?? The only place in the world either of the above are considered an issue!

HereComesMaleficent · 09/02/2023 21:42

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 21:22

I would have hated to be an only child luckily I'm 1 of 4 can't think of anything worse that once parents go your all alone in the world. Thats why I also have 4 🤣 each to there own tho 🙂

My mum had a sister. She died at 39. So my mum despite having a sibling, is now "on her own".

You cant plan for all your children being around when your old sadly.

Cosycover · 09/02/2023 21:43

It varies though. You might be fine but you can't speak for every only child.

If I didn't have my cousins I would have been extremely lonely. Its still quite isolating at times tbh.

Being an only child made me adamant I wouldn't be having only one child.

DisneyChops · 09/02/2023 21:52

I find it a bit hard to believe you can spend your whole childhood feeling lonely because of being an only child.
I'd have loved it myself.
It surely depends on your personality and the relationship you had with your parents.
You can't really blame being an only for loneliness.
If your personality yearned for company, wouldn't you have just spent more time with your friends?
If your parents didn't allow you to see friends or go to clubs etc, surely that's a parental issue?

Ginger1982 · 09/02/2023 21:52

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 21:22

I would have hated to be an only child luckily I'm 1 of 4 can't think of anything worse that once parents go your all alone in the world. Thats why I also have 4 🤣 each to there own tho 🙂

How ridiculous. You're not alone. You have your own family.

Ginger1982 · 09/02/2023 21:54

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 21:22

I would have hated to be an only child luckily I'm 1 of 4 can't think of anything worse that once parents go your all alone in the world. Thats why I also have 4 🤣 each to there own tho 🙂

And your laughing face emoji is offensive.

bookworm14 · 09/02/2023 22:02

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 21:22

I would have hated to be an only child luckily I'm 1 of 4 can't think of anything worse that once parents go your all alone in the world. Thats why I also have 4 🤣 each to there own tho 🙂

You know one of the negatives of having an only child? Knowing you’re being judged and pitied by unpleasant people like you. I don’t know what you think is so bloody funny either.

feellikeanalien · 09/02/2023 22:03

My late DP was one of five. They hardly ever saw each other. He hadn't seen one of his brothers for 30 years. Having siblings is not always a positive thing.

People are so judgemental.

bookworm14 · 09/02/2023 22:04

I’m going to stop commenting on these threads I think. I’m sick of being made to feel shit about my perfectly nice life by people who don’t have the imagination to grasp that others aren’t exactly like them.

Cosycover · 09/02/2023 22:05

DisneyChops · 09/02/2023 21:52

I find it a bit hard to believe you can spend your whole childhood feeling lonely because of being an only child.
I'd have loved it myself.
It surely depends on your personality and the relationship you had with your parents.
You can't really blame being an only for loneliness.
If your personality yearned for company, wouldn't you have just spent more time with your friends?
If your parents didn't allow you to see friends or go to clubs etc, surely that's a parental issue?

For me personally I don't think I had alot of opportunity to gain social skills. I was born when nursery wasn't mandatory either so I didn't have friends before school. I was very shy.

Fuss · 09/02/2023 22:09

Can I ask OP, are your parents alive?

My thoughts and feelings about being an only child changed a lot when they became older and eventually died.

That said, everyone is different.

Cadburysucks · 09/02/2023 22:12

My husband hardly speaks to his brother, and my sister in law died in her early 30s. You have no guarantees that you would have a good relationship.
my sister and I have a close bond, but find as she gets older she doesn’t bother phoning me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2023 22:16

Eloisalily · 09/02/2023 21:03

My experience is very different. I’ve hated being an only child my whole life. And now both of my parents have cancer, we don’t have any other family members even alive. I’m 36, and I do wish I had a sibling to share this with.
And yes I know not all siblings get on well as adults.
my parents chose to have just me, and I don’t understand that personally. Different if you can’t actually have another one.
my experience would be different if I had other family I think. I was the only niece and only grandchild. I grew up very mature and like a mini adult as no kids in the family. I have had 4 children myself and would have loved them to have an auntie or uncle on my side…

The thing is that you're comparing what you have, with an imaginary life.

My dad had cancer, my brother was useless. My dad had cardiac issues, my brother was worse than useless.

He creates issues, he doesn't solve them.

DD is an only.

ScarlettSunset · 09/02/2023 22:25

My (now adult) child is an only child.
He's grown up happy and doing well. Some of his friends are also 'only children' and others have siblings. I don't think it's particularly unusual at all for people to have one child.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 09/02/2023 22:27

The thing with only children that I think about is extended family.
I worked with a woman who is an only child, and she married an only child. Her kids (they had 4) had no Aunts, no Uncles and no Cousins. As someone who came from a close extended family it made me feel sad for them. I cant imagine having no extended family beyond grandparents.

tiggergoesbounce · 09/02/2023 22:32

This has just made me chuckle @lornmower as you are so right. It's absolutely crackers that anyone should feel guilty about having one child, some kids are happy growing up, and some aren't. The "only" kids will never know that a sibling was what was missing to make their childhood happy, their sibling might have bullied them every day and made them even more unhappy. And a sibling isnt a sure way to stop someone feeling lonely. Its ridiculous to guess.

We have an only and your post made me chuckle as ive just this evening had the conversation about who he wants to invite over.....he doesn't, we have an open house our DS rarely actually wants anyone ever yet (hes 5.5 years) hes happy, he sees his mates in school and the holidays, but he is happy doing his own thing at the moment.

ScarlettSunset · 09/02/2023 22:33

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 09/02/2023 22:27

The thing with only children that I think about is extended family.
I worked with a woman who is an only child, and she married an only child. Her kids (they had 4) had no Aunts, no Uncles and no Cousins. As someone who came from a close extended family it made me feel sad for them. I cant imagine having no extended family beyond grandparents.

I came from a huge extended family. But we lived miles away and never saw them anyway. I didn't miss them as I didn't know them. And I know lots of people who had the same experience. For many of us, extended families don't mean to us what they mean to someone who's grown up with that.

tiggergoesbounce · 09/02/2023 22:34

And wow, we seem to be inundated with threads about it at the moment.

Clouds3898 · 09/02/2023 22:35

WimpoleHat · 09/02/2023 20:17

I came on to say exactly the same thing….

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Me too 😔

Doowop1919 · 09/02/2023 22:44

I was raised an only and whilst fortunately always having good friends, I hated not having siblings. I wished for one constantly growing up.
The fact is, you're going have to happy onlys and sad onlys. It just depends

Teatime55 · 09/02/2023 22:47

DH has a brother, close in age. His mother was desperate for them to be close and remain close when she died. They don’t speak and haven’t for years as he’s an awful person. I have lots of friends who don’t like their siblings.

I know lots of mums who want to have 2nd children quickly so they can be super close etc. like any relationship, you can’t force it.

DD is an only child and awaiting a ND assessment. I’m not sure how she would cope with another child in the house at all.

labamba007 · 09/02/2023 22:59

I'm an only one, and I personally love it. I'm close to both my parents and enjoy time on my own. Some people will like it. Some won't. In the same way some people like their siblings and some don't.

I imagine that our happiness, sense of self and overall wellbeing has more to do with how we're brought up rather than whether or not we have siblings.

Macaroni46 · 09/02/2023 23:40

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 09/02/2023 22:27

The thing with only children that I think about is extended family.
I worked with a woman who is an only child, and she married an only child. Her kids (they had 4) had no Aunts, no Uncles and no Cousins. As someone who came from a close extended family it made me feel sad for them. I cant imagine having no extended family beyond grandparents.

This is very true. I'm the only child of an only child and father's one sibling was 13 years younger than him so he was pretty much an only too. It was bloody lonely growing up as my parents made no effort to provide opportunities for me to make friends and hard now that my parents (who are divorced) are elderly. But that doesn't mean all people with siblings have things better or all onlies are miserable.

XelaM · 09/02/2023 23:44

Macaroni46 · 09/02/2023 23:40

This is very true. I'm the only child of an only child and father's one sibling was 13 years younger than him so he was pretty much an only too. It was bloody lonely growing up as my parents made no effort to provide opportunities for me to make friends and hard now that my parents (who are divorced) are elderly. But that doesn't mean all people with siblings have things better or all onlies are miserable.

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I don't get this at all. My daughter has a very large extended family on her dad's side and she hates spending time with her cousins (who are all close in age to her). She would MUCH rather spend time with her friends with whom she has loads in common.

I have loads of cousins myself but have always been much closer to my friends.

Not having cousins doesn't mean you're lonely! What about friends who you can actually CHOOSE?!