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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just want to say, I LOVE being single.

304 replies

theoldcatsmells · 09/02/2023 17:30

I'm 41. I spent my entire life chasing men, hoping they would want me, hoping they would validate me. I'm ashamed of myself. It got me in so much trouble. Wasting my life being loyal to a divvy. Then a totally abusive and controlling relationship which is still threatening to ruin my life.

But…. I look back on my life and realise that every single best period was when I was single.

Answering to no one. Having proper alone time. Watching what I want and doing what I want. Also flirting, and the excitement of knowing I can flirt with anyone and speak to anyone.

I've been listening to this podcast called Alonenemt and it’s really fun.

I just have literally no need for a man, for validation. Now of course a decent loving partner is a thing to be cherished, I've never had it! Well I have but I was so young I found it boring. Maybe there's something wrong with me but I just want to say I am overjoyed at being single and finally it’s a relief to realise it. To realise that that’s what my happiness is.

Can you share things you enjoy listening to about single life?
Can you share why you love being single?
I just feel elated about it.

OP posts:
Shgytfgtf111 · 09/02/2023 19:28

Thank you for this thread and for the posters on yesterday's too. Im 42 and been in a relationship since I was 21 but don't really think I've been single since I was about 16 tbh. This relationship is becoming increasingly toxic and I think part of what has kept me in it is fear of being alone (and also of him trying to scare me or ruin my life to be honest) but these threads have made me realise I don't have to live like this as the alternative actually sounds delightful! I could go out when I want or have a bath when I wanted to without being questioned. Sounds awesome!

I'm not as pathetic as I sound, but worn down over years and trying to find a way out that will be safe for me and my dogs. I dream about the day I will have a space that's just mine with no drama and no horrible atmosphere ☺

crochetmonkey74 · 09/02/2023 19:28

OP Thank you. I need threads like these. I'm 48 and 2 years on from a heartbreak split. Paddled around with online dating but really want to be happy by myself and treat myself the way I always wanted to be treated by a man

threecupsofteaminimum · 09/02/2023 19:30

Sorry, you've mistaken me for someone who engages with this type of argument, please stop.

Shgytfgtf111 · 09/02/2023 19:30

I'm sorry I really dragged the mood down there didn't I! My point was that I no longer fear being single and it's not that I just 'haven't found the right person', it's that I won't put myself in this position ever again. My space will be my temple, my haven.

crochetmonkey74 · 09/02/2023 19:38

PurpleButterflyWings · 09/02/2023 18:13

This, in spades. ^

TBH I am a bit bored and tired of seeing these 'isn't it amazing being single' threads. They make me roll my eyes to the back of my head actually. At least one a month pops up, and this is 2 in two days now. A whole list of things that make it so wonderful to be single... I wonder who they're trying to convince, and the reason behind posting these threads? Confused

Just turn it on its head and imagine somebody who is married starting a thread like this, about how amazing is to be married, and how they'd HATE to be single, and how much more miserable they were when they were single.

And then dozens of (happily married) people coming on singing the praises of marriage, and how amazing is to be together, to be a couple, to have a soul mate, to have someone to grow old with, to go out for meals with, and to the cinema and theatre with, to go on holiday with, to look after you when you're ill, to share life's burdens and trials and tribulations with, to have a family with... etc etc...

Just imagine the kind of posts that would come on after that and how they would be ridiculed, laughed at, mocked, and berated. (And accused of being tied down, ball and chain. 'I don't need a man to make me complete' blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.) Along with the 'bleugh I HATE smug marrieds' type comments!

Some of the comments on the thread yesterday about how amaaaazing it is to be single, and you go gurrrrl etc, were bizarre. 'I can have my hair how I want, and dress how I want, and have the house decorated how I want etc etc....' What kind of relationships have you been in that mean you couldn't do this anyway? I have been married nearly 30 years, and ALWAYS have my hair how I want it, and dress how I want, and had the house decorated how I want... etc etc...

In addition, as for the comments saying 'I don't have to put up with a man snoring' and 'I don't have to put up with this farting' and 'I can have the remote control to myself' type comments. You know what? I'm pretty sure that you snore and fart too. And here's an idea. Get a remote control of your own. I've got one to myself!

And never mind 'why do married women always come on these threads with their comments!' There is a 100% chance that if a married woman started a thread on here saying how much they love being married, all the single and divorced women would come on with their twopennyworth, and as I said, all the 'smug married' vitriol would pour out! Don't even try to deny it. Plus, it's a free country! People can post what they want on whatever thread they want!!!

And don't tell me to start a thread of my own about how wonderful being married is, because ..... 1) it will receive berating and mocking, and..... 2) I don't need to tell anyone how happy I am to be married. I don't need to convince anyone. Wink

@Metabigot is right. You have just not found the right man - like us happily married women... And no, a lot of married women do NOT envy your singleness... if anyone does say that, they are very likely saying that to make you feel better. Deep down, most married women would NOT swap place with a single woman. Anyone who believe most married women wish they were single is deluded.

Here's the other thread by the way.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4737902-secret-single-behaviour-the-joy?page=2

Show quote history

This was my thread about a group of heartbroken women at work finding some joy after a long hard slot of recovery.
Your aggression and nastiness is misplaced . Also FYI there are loads of threads on here about positive relationships and marriage stories.
There's really no need to berate women

kaymc3 · 09/02/2023 19:42

Yup love it!! Been single for 2.5 years now and have no desire to change that.
I often wonder if there's something wrong with me...my friends always talk about me dating/finding someone and I'm just like no thanks! Then they moan to be about their partners/husbands and I'm like ...exactly!!
I have a darling little boy and am very happy to stay just me and him.

threecupsofteaminimum · 09/02/2023 19:44

@BigFatLiar where did I say I 'only go to the pub to get laid.' Bizarre attacking vibes.

Your posts are coming across as nasty and bullying.

IsThereAPenOfIt · 09/02/2023 20:00

I love being single about 80% of of the time.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2023 20:01

Metabigot · 09/02/2023 17:47

Well I'm not single but I don't answer to anyone, partner and I make mutual decisions and are quite happy going out on our own for example.... saves a fortune on babysitters.

I'm glad you are happy single but don't write off relationships....maybe you were with the wrong men?

No.

No, its not the same thing at all.

'Can you go out Friday night?' 'Yes'

'Can you go out Friday night?' 'Let me just check it's ok with dh and I'll get back to you' checks - then its 'yes' or 'no'

Having been on both sides (my exh and I made no demands of each other), I can tell you - it's wonderful to be able to just say 'yes' without further thought.

For me, apart from the freedom, it's the lack of anything negative in my life. There's nothing. No bitterness about snorers, or skid marks, or dishes or whatever it is, however trivial it is, that irritates you about your OH. I have 0 of this.

The only downside, the only one, is the married people, there's a few on this thread, who just cannot empathise that you might be happy when youve taken a different route to them. I used to know someone, when once I'd told her, after she'd asked, how much I loved being single, and at the end she said 'and you never know, you might meet someone when you're not looking'. Arghhhh. I've literally just explained why I don't want that! It's like they can't/don't want to hear it.

I'm a huge advocate of ltb on mumsnet. The reason is this - I become more and more pro-women as I age. I think women are awesome. We do so much for everyone, we're strong and we fight and work so hard for our kids. We're ace. I've been both sides; I know it's so so much nicer to be single than with a shit guy. For me and for my kids. I want these women to leave so much, because I know they'll be happier and I want them to be, cos they deserve it.

Whiskeypowers · 09/02/2023 20:03

@PurpleButterflyWings
“And don't tell me to start a thread of my own about how wonderful being married is, because ..... 1) it will receive berating and mocking, and..... 2) I don't need to tell anyone how happy I am to be married. I don't need to convince anyone.
Wink”

that is precisely what you have done though
you have also done what you accused single people of doing on a happy to be married thread hypothesis which is attack and then even have the temerity to concur with someone who was retrograde enough to tell the OP that she just has t met the right man yet.

userxx · 09/02/2023 20:05

Shgytfgtf111 · 09/02/2023 19:28

Thank you for this thread and for the posters on yesterday's too. Im 42 and been in a relationship since I was 21 but don't really think I've been single since I was about 16 tbh. This relationship is becoming increasingly toxic and I think part of what has kept me in it is fear of being alone (and also of him trying to scare me or ruin my life to be honest) but these threads have made me realise I don't have to live like this as the alternative actually sounds delightful! I could go out when I want or have a bath when I wanted to without being questioned. Sounds awesome!

I'm not as pathetic as I sound, but worn down over years and trying to find a way out that will be safe for me and my dogs. I dream about the day I will have a space that's just mine with no drama and no horrible atmosphere ☺

You can do this. Have you got support ? Friends and family around you ? You'll never be alone, you've got your dogs for company.... the best type of company as far as I'm concerned.

Shgytfgtf111 · 09/02/2023 20:08

No, no family really, just my dad who is in his 70s and I couldn't risk by staying there even for a short time. I don't have any friends as I can't really spend time away from the house. Thank you for your support,I will do it its just a case of when.

EmmaEmerald · 09/02/2023 20:08

are "I've been both sides; I know it's so so much nicer to be single than with a shit guy"

in a way, you are doing what your friend did. I know it's so much nicer for me, and some others, to be single than to even be with a great guy. You may not have intended it, it contradicts your earlier words - but some of us are saying the joy of being single is in the singularity! It's not a reflection on our previous partners.

Shgytfgtf111 · 09/02/2023 20:11

And yeah the dogs are the best (-and less mess and less needy!)

unsync · 09/02/2023 20:11

Same, love my single life.

StanFransDisco · 09/02/2023 20:18

@IsThereAPenOfIt yep agree. Maybe closer to 90%. But on the whole my life is much MUCH better, healthier, and calmer now I'm single.

ArianahX · 09/02/2023 20:20

I'm single & happy at 46.. I have several bookcases, 3 wardrobes I don't have to share and pink carpet (not as bad as it sounds - honestly!!) and no man to tell me that's not ok.

I do what I want when I want! It's great... providing my single friends are around.
Because it's a shame when my married friends are unable to join me because they're husbands wont allow them to go out that evening.
No I'm not invited to couple's evenings either...

If I fall for a guy in the future (not impossible as I do meet a lot of new men at work & at the gym) my motto is that a relationship should enhance your life not make it difficult...

As a single woman on just above minimum wage I do struggle financially more than eg the average married woman but I could however be stuck with a cocklodger or a financially abusive or tight husband.

I do get lonely living alone as I'm a very social person but you can be equally lonely in an unhappy relationship.

Mainly at present I just love the feeling of total freedom.

barmycatmum · 09/02/2023 20:20

I agree with you, OP- I freaking LOVE IT! I love my life so much now that I got rid of the abusive, critical, controlling man.

Zanatdy · 09/02/2023 20:26

I am mid 40’s and spent all apart from 7yrs of my adult life single. And most of that time unhappy. I was single for over 10yrs following relationship breakdown with father of dc. I’ve recently started dating someone, but less than 3 months in. I like him a lot, and he’s really lovely, but now I’m spending all my time missing him, wishing I was with him etc! If things don’t work out, I won’t rush for another relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I want it to work, as it would be nice to share my life with a nice guy, but it comes with some downsides too!

userxx · 09/02/2023 20:34

Shgytfgtf111 · 09/02/2023 20:08

No, no family really, just my dad who is in his 70s and I couldn't risk by staying there even for a short time. I don't have any friends as I can't really spend time away from the house. Thank you for your support,I will do it its just a case of when.

You've got support on here, lots of it. Start making those plans, follow it through when you're ready, a fantastic life awaits you!

SilentNightDancer · 09/02/2023 20:38

Interesting thread.

I do have a question for those of you with sons - do you think your son would one day enrich the life of a future partner? Or do you think that women would be better off alone than in a relationship with your son?

crochetmonkey74 · 09/02/2023 20:50

SilentNightDancer · 09/02/2023 20:38

Interesting thread.

I do have a question for those of you with sons - do you think your son would one day enrich the life of a future partner? Or do you think that women would be better off alone than in a relationship with your son?

I think that some people would be better in a relationship with the son, some would be better off without the son.
Women are not a homogenous blob.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 09/02/2023 20:50

PurpleButterflyWings · 09/02/2023 18:13

This, in spades. ^

TBH I am a bit bored and tired of seeing these 'isn't it amazing being single' threads. They make me roll my eyes to the back of my head actually. At least one a month pops up, and this is 2 in two days now. A whole list of things that make it so wonderful to be single... I wonder who they're trying to convince, and the reason behind posting these threads? Confused

Just turn it on its head and imagine somebody who is married starting a thread like this, about how amazing is to be married, and how they'd HATE to be single, and how much more miserable they were when they were single.

And then dozens of (happily married) people coming on singing the praises of marriage, and how amazing is to be together, to be a couple, to have a soul mate, to have someone to grow old with, to go out for meals with, and to the cinema and theatre with, to go on holiday with, to look after you when you're ill, to share life's burdens and trials and tribulations with, to have a family with... etc etc...

Just imagine the kind of posts that would come on after that and how they would be ridiculed, laughed at, mocked, and berated. (And accused of being tied down, ball and chain. 'I don't need a man to make me complete' blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.) Along with the 'bleugh I HATE smug marrieds' type comments!

Some of the comments on the thread yesterday about how amaaaazing it is to be single, and you go gurrrrl etc, were bizarre. 'I can have my hair how I want, and dress how I want, and have the house decorated how I want etc etc....' What kind of relationships have you been in that mean you couldn't do this anyway? I have been married nearly 30 years, and ALWAYS have my hair how I want it, and dress how I want, and had the house decorated how I want... etc etc...

In addition, as for the comments saying 'I don't have to put up with a man snoring' and 'I don't have to put up with this farting' and 'I can have the remote control to myself' type comments. You know what? I'm pretty sure that you snore and fart too. And here's an idea. Get a remote control of your own. I've got one to myself!

And never mind 'why do married women always come on these threads with their comments!' There is a 100% chance that if a married woman started a thread on here saying how much they love being married, all the single and divorced women would come on with their twopennyworth, and as I said, all the 'smug married' vitriol would pour out! Don't even try to deny it. Plus, it's a free country! People can post what they want on whatever thread they want!!!

And don't tell me to start a thread of my own about how wonderful being married is, because ..... 1) it will receive berating and mocking, and..... 2) I don't need to tell anyone how happy I am to be married. I don't need to convince anyone. Wink

@Metabigot is right. You have just not found the right man - like us happily married women... And no, a lot of married women do NOT envy your singleness... if anyone does say that, they are very likely saying that to make you feel better. Deep down, most married women would NOT swap place with a single woman. Anyone who believe most married women wish they were single is deluded.

Here's the other thread by the way.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4737902-secret-single-behaviour-the-joy?page=2

Show quote history

You might want to tone the rage down a notch or two if you want to convince anyone that you're happily married, love.

napody · 09/02/2023 21:00

Wow purplebutterfly that was long- I would quote you but I'm trying to save people scrolling!
I think it's the way it (loving being single) feels so unexpected that makes people want to post- just absolute elation. Because we have always been taught that it's better to be in a relationship. OP, yanbu, I've been in the same boat for 2.5 years after an 18 year relationship and god it feels good. And he wasn't an arsehole, we're still friends but there were hundreds of ways I put him first for those 18 years.

Wonderpoo · 09/02/2023 21:06

My ex husband is lovely, we’re great friends. We were married over 20 years. We split all chores, were 50/50, he was a feminist, good job. What I’m saying is he’s not a bad man in any way.

I’ve never been happier since we split. I am so much more confident and carefree. I can’t see myself ever living with a man again