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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just want to say, I LOVE being single.

304 replies

theoldcatsmells · 09/02/2023 17:30

I'm 41. I spent my entire life chasing men, hoping they would want me, hoping they would validate me. I'm ashamed of myself. It got me in so much trouble. Wasting my life being loyal to a divvy. Then a totally abusive and controlling relationship which is still threatening to ruin my life.

But…. I look back on my life and realise that every single best period was when I was single.

Answering to no one. Having proper alone time. Watching what I want and doing what I want. Also flirting, and the excitement of knowing I can flirt with anyone and speak to anyone.

I've been listening to this podcast called Alonenemt and it’s really fun.

I just have literally no need for a man, for validation. Now of course a decent loving partner is a thing to be cherished, I've never had it! Well I have but I was so young I found it boring. Maybe there's something wrong with me but I just want to say I am overjoyed at being single and finally it’s a relief to realise it. To realise that that’s what my happiness is.

Can you share things you enjoy listening to about single life?
Can you share why you love being single?
I just feel elated about it.

OP posts:
Over40Overdating · 09/02/2023 21:06

SilentNightDancer · 09/02/2023 20:38

Interesting thread.

I do have a question for those of you with sons - do you think your son would one day enrich the life of a future partner? Or do you think that women would be better off alone than in a relationship with your son?

This feels like a ‘gotcha’ question and it’s creepy if that’s the case.
Who can ever tell who will enrich or who will make miserable, another persons life?

It feels like you’re trying to slyly show women the ‘error’ of their single supporting ways because some real or hypothetical son might be one day be left partnerless thanks to these women off out enjoying their single lives.

It doesn’t matter if every male child ever born is a joy from the moment of birth - no woman - or man - will be obligated to partner them.

Wonderpoo · 09/02/2023 21:07

I think that some people would be better in a relationship with the son, some would be better off without the son.

I think women are ‘better off’ doing what they want to do. Who cares what someone’s son thinks

YouJustDoYou · 09/02/2023 21:10

Metabigot · 09/02/2023 17:47

Well I'm not single but I don't answer to anyone, partner and I make mutual decisions and are quite happy going out on our own for example.... saves a fortune on babysitters.

I'm glad you are happy single but don't write off relationships....maybe you were with the wrong men?

URGH. Do pipe down.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/02/2023 21:11

SilentNightDancer · 09/02/2023 20:38

Interesting thread.

I do have a question for those of you with sons - do you think your son would one day enrich the life of a future partner? Or do you think that women would be better off alone than in a relationship with your son?

I think that's for the women to decide. What a mother thinks her son might bring in the way of enrichment to his partner's life might be the thing that turns a woman off him; mothers not always being the best judges.

I don't have a son but if I thought a woman would be better off not being in a relationship with him I'd actually find that pretty worrying.

reddwarfgeek · 09/02/2023 21:11

Nice thread OP.
I'm not single but I definitely wish I was. And I hope to be again!
Men are massively over rated. Mainly are totally shit.
Your positivity is great 😊
When I'm old I hope it'll just be me, the TV, a nice big bed and some rescue cats. Maybe a vibrator occasionally 🤣 can't wait.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/02/2023 21:14

URGH. Do pipe down.

So not only do we get 'you'll change your mind about children when you meet the right man,' we're now dealing with 'you just haven't met the right man to be with and tempt you out of your single state which you don't like really, you're just rationalising it.' Some people just can't deal with the idea that some women make singledom an active thought about choice rather than one forced on them, can they?

mildlydispeptic · 09/02/2023 21:18

We really need a Happily Solo section on Mumsnet.

Over40Overdating · 09/02/2023 21:19

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain I feel a little sorry for people who can’t conceive of a life without a man (or partner).

How terrifying it must be to think you couldn’t cope, much less thrive if it ended.
And one day it will end - whether divorce or death.

After my break up I was swept up by the friendships I have given my time and energy to, single and partnered, so I have no fear any more of a future where I am alone. Because I won’t be.
It’s a lovely thought.

PurpleNebula84 · 09/02/2023 21:20

I'm single (and a single parent too) and I love it!!!!
I recently went on a couple of dates and it just reinforced the fact that, for now, I am enjoying my own company, I don't want the faff of making myself available to someone else, and most definitely can not imagine sharing my space with another person - even with a 5 year old, the majority of the time if I put something somewhere, it's still there!! I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.

Return2thebasic · 09/02/2023 21:21

Love your spirit! It's a pain to accommodate another adult who just doesn't appreciate you enough. I do think women deserve better!

Shallysally · 09/02/2023 21:27

I’m with you OP. Single, and perfectly happy in my own company.
I’ve been in a long marriage, then a LTR. Fairly recently single but I have no desire right now to meet another man.

I’m busy with DD, friends, house, work. It doesn’t matter if I’m awake reading at 2am when I can’t sleep.
Life is good, and I’m certainly in no rush to change that.

SunscreenCentral · 09/02/2023 21:31

Yes! I have been re-decorating to MY style, MY tastes and MY comfort and omg it's fucking glorious.

Coming home to that is just wonderful 😊

sammylady37 · 09/02/2023 21:40

TBH I am a bit bored and tired of seeing these 'isn't it amazing being single' threads. They make me roll my eyes to the back of my head actually

And yet, here you are, posting at length on it. You could have ignored it and scrolled on by. The thread title was quite clear.

*Just turn it on its head and imagine somebody who is married starting a thread like this, about how amazing is to be married, and how they'd HATE to be single, and how much more miserable they were when they were single.

And then dozens of (happily married) people coming on singing the praises of marriage, and how amazing is to be together, to be a couple, to have a soul mate, to have someone to grow old with, to go out for meals with, and to the cinema and theatre with, to go on holiday with, to look after you when you're ill, to share life's burdens and trials and tribulations with, to have a family with etc*

I’ve seen quite a few of those threads over the years, often started in the relationship section, when people decide to have a thread about how great their partner/husband is, in contrast to the many, many threads about awful partners/husbands.

Just imagine the kind of posts that would come on after that and how they would be ridiculed, laughed at, mocked, and berated. (And accused of being tied down, ball and chain. 'I don't need a man to make me complete' blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.) Along with the 'bleugh I HATE smug marrieds' type comments

Like you’re ridiculing and berating now, eh?

it's a free country! People can post what they want on whatever thread they want!!!

Hang on a sec, aren’t you the one complaining you’re bored and tired with the threads people are starting on this topic? But now it’s ok for people to
‘post what they want on whatever thread they want’… does that apply to everyone or just those who agree with you?

I don't need to tell anyone how happy I am to be married. I don't need to convince anyone.

Just as well you feel you don’t need to convince anyone, as your claims are far from convincing.

Metabigot is right. You have just not found the right man - like us happily married women

Maybe we haven’t found ‘the right man’ cos we’re not looking for him. Has that ever crossed your mind? Can you comprehend that some people want different things in life than you do? Or are you too small-minded to understand that?

sammylady37 · 09/02/2023 21:44

I’m 43 and have been single since I was about 26/27. (Apart from gentlemen callers!)

I’m resolutely single and childfree and neither of those states will change. I’ve never observed a relationship that has made me think I would like that for myself, and mostly those I observe make me quietly thankful for the lovely life I have. As far as I can see, a relationship would bring complexity and compromise to my life, and very little positive.

UrsulaTheSeaBitch · 09/02/2023 21:44

So much empowerment on this thread, it's great.
This is a bit random but I will add this in.

There were two years when my mum didn't have a partner (previous two abusive in various ways) and I have some wonderful memories and remember her being so happy. She met my step dad after that so home never felt as free and as happy (I wouldn't say he was abusive but he could be a git sometimes).
She played music a lot and we had fun. She decorated and let us kids get involved. It was one of my happiest times growing up. We laughed a lot.
If you are happy single go for it and enjoy life!

JamSandle · 09/02/2023 21:58

Such a beautiful place to be. Thank you for sharing this.

Shallysally · 09/02/2023 21:59

SunscreenCentral · 09/02/2023 21:31

Yes! I have been re-decorating to MY style, MY tastes and MY comfort and omg it's fucking glorious.

Coming home to that is just wonderful 😊

This!

BigFatLiar · 09/02/2023 22:10

Everyone deserves a chance at happiness whether your single or married.

For me it was meeting my dh that made the difference, I was miserable single, bullied and isolated my happy place was in my room reading. OH made me aware of my worth and helped me be better.

You don't need someone else to make you happy but I think your fortunate if you find someone that helps make you happy and who you can share that happiness with.

MovieQueen12 · 09/02/2023 22:12

Pushing 40 and single and while I'm fine with it, others are really not.
I'm very much in the minority and know nobody else my age at work or socially who is in the same position. So I do very much stand out and people make comments at times such as it being sad that I never found anyone to settle down with and have babies with (never wanted kids. Pregnancy and birth petrify me and didn't want to pass down various illnesses in the family). People at work say they need to find me a man etc. It irritates me. A lot of people I know think relationships and babies are the only way to live life and that its an embarrassment or failure to still be single past a certain age. Those attitudes are still very prevalent.

EmmaEmerald · 09/02/2023 22:21

sammylady37 · 09/02/2023 21:44

I’m 43 and have been single since I was about 26/27. (Apart from gentlemen callers!)

I’m resolutely single and childfree and neither of those states will change. I’ve never observed a relationship that has made me think I would like that for myself, and mostly those I observe make me quietly thankful for the lovely life I have. As far as I can see, a relationship would bring complexity and compromise to my life, and very little positive.

I feel as if your "complexity and compromise" comment is a quote from me! I said the same on another thread.

It's so nice to "meet" people who really get it 😍🤗

sammylady37 · 09/02/2023 22:25

EmmaEmerald · 09/02/2023 22:21

I feel as if your "complexity and compromise" comment is a quote from me! I said the same on another thread.

It's so nice to "meet" people who really get it 😍🤗

Show quote history

It may well be from you, as I read it somewhere here and decided I was gonna use it myself as it’s so succinct and accurate! Apologies for the blatant ‘copying’, consider it a compliment!

EmmaEmerald · 09/02/2023 22:28

sammylady37 · 09/02/2023 22:25

It may well be from you, as I read it somewhere here and decided I was gonna use it myself as it’s so succinct and accurate! Apologies for the blatant ‘copying’, consider it a compliment!

Show quote history

I'm flattered! I did I have a weird moment there, thinking, I'm sure I said that...😂

I think on the same thread I said I found relationships often ended up like some jobs - simultaneously boring and stressful and I can never quite figure out how that happens. It's hard to find room to be happy in the middle of all that.

sammylady37 · 09/02/2023 22:30

MovieQueen12 · 09/02/2023 22:12

Pushing 40 and single and while I'm fine with it, others are really not.
I'm very much in the minority and know nobody else my age at work or socially who is in the same position. So I do very much stand out and people make comments at times such as it being sad that I never found anyone to settle down with and have babies with (never wanted kids. Pregnancy and birth petrify me and didn't want to pass down various illnesses in the family). People at work say they need to find me a man etc. It irritates me. A lot of people I know think relationships and babies are the only way to live life and that its an embarrassment or failure to still be single past a certain age. Those attitudes are still very prevalent.

I agree so much with your first sentence. An awful lot of people simply cannot comprehend that not everyone wants the ‘marriage and kids’ life. It’s a peculiar mix of arrogance and ignorance, to think that everyone must have the same wants and desires as they themselves do. And so small-minded.

I’m in Ireland and we had a national census last year. They had a time capsule section on the form, in which you could write anything you wished, and it’ll be archived and then read in 100 years. I wrote about how I had chosen the road less travelled, by choosing to be single and childfree, and that my hope for figure generations of women was that doing so would be more socially acceptable and not warrant as much as a raised eyebrow, much less the opprobrium and open hostility it attracts these days.

sammylady37 · 09/02/2023 22:30

*future generations, not figure ones!

HappyAxolotl · 09/02/2023 22:34

I wasted my teens, 20s and early 30s being miserably single and obsessing over why I wasn't attracting men and being asked out. It felt like everyone I knew was coupling up, moving in, marrying, starting families and I was an undateable horror. On the rare occasions I did go on a date I'd blow it by being desperate of course.

Then I got to 35 or so and decided to stop looking. I accepted I would be single forever and decided I would build a happy single life for myself instead of concentrating on the lack of a partner.

It worked. I concentrated on the love, support and fun I did have from family and friends. I didn't focus on what would make me look attractive to men but on what I liked for myself. In the process of putting myself at the centre of my own life I learnt a lot about myself and felt more confident to let the real me shine.

4 years later I met my now-partner and this time I wasn't looking at him as my last-chance of love, my saviour from loneliness, my future husband. Because I knew that if we didn't last I'd be fine and happy and I was simply enjoying his company in the moment, letting the relationship develop at its own speed, getting to know him and letting him get to know me. We're still enjoying the moment 3 years on.