Just want to say, I LOVE being single.

[theoldcatsmells]

I'm 41. I spent my entire life chasing men, hoping they would want me, hoping they would validate me. I'm ashamed of myself. It got me in so much trouble. Wasting my life being loyal to a divvy. Then a totally abusive and controlling relationship which is still threatening to ruin my life.

But…. I look back on my life and realise that every single best period was when I was single.

Answering to no one. Having proper alone time. Watching what I want and doing what I want. Also flirting, and the excitement of knowing I can flirt with anyone and speak to anyone.

I've been listening to this podcast called Alonenemt and it’s really fun.

I just have literally no need for a man, for validation. Now of course a decent loving partner is a thing to be cherished, I've never had it! Well I have but I was so young I found it boring. Maybe there's something wrong with me but I just want to say I am overjoyed at being single and finally it’s a relief to realise it. To realise that that’s what my happiness is.

Can you share things you enjoy listening to about single life?
Can you share why you love being single?
I just feel elated about it.

Well so long as it's clear that you're just pretty annoyed at women not being like you, that's okay. It's a strange way to be

I love being single and having the freedom to make my own decisions but I hate being poor! Sometimes I think it would be better to be back with my controlling ex partner than be constantly stressed and worrying about money.

Do you really think that? I've never known a woman who had an abusive partner who thought he was worth the money. Life is short, earn your own money.

Or going back and get the money? And the abuse?

This.

I voted YABU because I don’t believe you, but I don’t believe anyone truly feels this way, doesn’t ever feel that yearning for someone.

My husband bought me two horses - oh, and the land to
keep them on. I didn’t even need to ask him (he asked me). He’s also more than happy to pay for their upkeep, and he looks after them half the time despite not being “horsey” at all.

Happy to be a smug married! 😂

Yes but Dixon, it's not a competition...

And besides, that lady has done something for herself. That's great.

Why don’t you believe them?
Do you think everyone must have the same yearnings, and that anyone who doesn’t must be lying? Are you that small-minded? Have you so little life experience that you imagine everyone must be the same?

I don’t hate men.
I am single because there is nothing in my life that would be better if a man were in it.
I have the freedom to do my job in my home without it affecting anyone else.
I have as much social life as I want (mostly not much) with friends I love, or by myself without having to consider anyone else’s taste in music, movies, events.
I am not lonely in any way.
I am able to sleep when I can, without that affecting anyone else, even if I stay up til 5am because I’m agitated.
I can spend time and money on my animals and kids without worrying about a man at home feeling neglected.
I don’t care about sex. It doesn’t really interest me and now I don’t have to pretend it does to salve his ego.
its been almost 10 years and I’ve no desire to change it, there just isn’t an upside for me that makes it worth a relationship.
I get sick of hearing ‘but aren’t you lonely?’ No. I’m not. I like my own company.

I’m glad for you! If being married makes you happy then I’m all for it. And I’m glad your husband is so generous and helpful. My personality is such that I don’t want anyone else looking after my animals. I got them because I love to look after them. I bought my yard myself, and I have liveries in the block I don’t use, and as such will never have to potentially share Tony horses or have to sell them after a divorce turned nasty (seen it more than once). And this isn’t a dig at you or your husband, I’m just saying this way suits me and my personality better.

You don’t have to believe me. But it’s the truth, I don’t feel any yearning for a relationship. I’ve had a long term relationship and it just doesn’t do anything for me. I don’t need sex, I don’t need physical touch, I don’t need companionship, I don’t need money, I don’t need protection. So why would I change my life when none of those things are needed?

Same position. Been used for sex, money, abused in the past now it’s just me and my dogs. If someone comes along great but I’m not looking for it

Well...mine bought me 100 horses and a cow annd a kitten and a great big palace and a rocket to the moon! 😂
C'mon now, you're not old enough to be married.

@DixonD I’ve had that yearning to be with someone else - mostly because of people like you telling me I couldn’t ever be happy or whole without a man.
That yearning was the reason I stayed in terrible relationships, lowered my standards and was very unhappy.

I don’t have that yearning for anyone now because I like my life.
I’m happy with myself.
I’ve even ended a relationship recently with someone I love because being with him, despite all the lovely things he brought to the table, wasn’t better than being alone.

And I find it pretty sad that the thing that makes you use to say you’re a smug married is the fact you have a husband who spends money on you. How many threads on here are from women who’ve had the financial rug pulled from under them when a previously perfect and generous husband decides he’d rather be spending that money on impressing someone else?
How many were smug marrieds?

Knowing that you can be financially secure and meet all your own needs in the worst case scenario is empowering, not pathetic as you’ve tried to imply.

I have not seen any single person on here show the anger, judgement and contempt towards married people that we are receiving from them.

I know it’s been a minority but it’s still incredibly sad and toxic that women, of all people, cannot understand why for some women being single is a valid, happy lifestyle.

Is it insecurity, a lack of empathy or no imagination that’s behind it?

I think it's the need to know there is still one rung beneath them

I fell in to this trap 20 years ago. My x was an arsehole, I was miserable, but I did experience thoughts of "at least im not single'.

I think that was because there were a few peripheral single parents and they weren't put in the centre of any social plans.

What I didnt realise back then was that they had their own friends, both new fellow single friends, old friends, work friends perhaps, new tribes, plans, priorities, so that being placed at the centre of a couple-centric barbecue wasn't something they expected or that they mattered.

When I was in that fearful mindset though, I honestly cared more about appearing to fit in, appearing to be included, appearing to have friends.

The quality of my friendships and the actual genuine nourishment derived from them seemed secondary to me in that small conformity-based mindset that I admit I inhabited back then.

Luckily I had an epiphany and have been working on myself ever since. Ongoing project.

@xJoy you’ve explained that perfectly!
The working on yourself is bloody hard but so worth it, isn’t it?

I’m genuinely more excited by life and the future now than I’ve ever been and I’m mid 40s with no plans to ever be in a relationship again. Even a couple of years ago I would never have believed it!
Here’s to ongoing projects 🥂

🥰🍸

I love your honesty on this - cheers to doing the ongoing work on ourselves! 🍻

I was single for most of my thirties and thank god I was single during all the lockdowns. I’m a big introvert and thrived in that time. It felt empowering!

On the side, I also loved an immaculately tidy house & getting back into bed after the dog walk to watch terrible room coms. I was also so fit and moved more.

@PurpleButterflyWings very weird (and long!) response. Just move along and read something else!

There was an article that dealt with this recently which said 40 per cent of women are choosing not to get married or have relationships. That is a lot.

There are probably lots of reasons but one big one is, they can afford to. There is a choice. And if they were married, on divorce, they do not get married again.

So this is not a small group of women, but a trend. It's an active choice being made. And all over the Western world.

There are probably lots of reasons but one big one is, they can afford to
This is why men put so much effort into preventing women from earning money, keeping them out of prestigious jobs, making sure that her career takes the hit when they have children, etc
they need us much more than we need them and they know that if we have financial independence they won't see us for dust

15 years single here...trust me I'm not "yearning" for anyone.

Still such a stigma around single women. Even today on here.
Reading a thread about a 40 Yr old single woman with no kids and comments range from 'If she's in that position at her age, I imagine she isn't very pleasant to be around 'to ' It must be hard getting to that age and having no partner or kids.' To ' She's only 40, still chance for love and kids.'
Very depressing.

@DixonD I bought my horse myself. I saved for him myself. I bought him myself. I cover his livery. I bought his tack. I WISH I had the time to diy livery, but need to do the job to cover his bills.

i went through a time where I financially depended on my husband. He has never been financially abusive. He has his faults (as do I) but this wasn’t one. We had enough money (tho perhaps not enough for horse). But I felt a longing. A longing to know that I was financially secure. That the things I bought were bought from money I earned. That no matter what happened (husband had crisis and became abusive, died, etc) I d be ok. So I got myself back to work.

Im open minded enough to think the longing I experienced isn’t universal. That not every woman needs that and some are fine staying home and forming a financial partnership w their OHs that way. Can’t you be open minded enough to understand that some women don’t experience your yearning (for male companionship, financial support etc)?

According to the other thread, single women aren't seen as equals to coupled up women either. I despair.