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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just want to say, I LOVE being single.

304 replies

theoldcatsmells · 09/02/2023 17:30

I'm 41. I spent my entire life chasing men, hoping they would want me, hoping they would validate me. I'm ashamed of myself. It got me in so much trouble. Wasting my life being loyal to a divvy. Then a totally abusive and controlling relationship which is still threatening to ruin my life.

But…. I look back on my life and realise that every single best period was when I was single.

Answering to no one. Having proper alone time. Watching what I want and doing what I want. Also flirting, and the excitement of knowing I can flirt with anyone and speak to anyone.

I've been listening to this podcast called Alonenemt and it’s really fun.

I just have literally no need for a man, for validation. Now of course a decent loving partner is a thing to be cherished, I've never had it! Well I have but I was so young I found it boring. Maybe there's something wrong with me but I just want to say I am overjoyed at being single and finally it’s a relief to realise it. To realise that that’s what my happiness is.

Can you share things you enjoy listening to about single life?
Can you share why you love being single?
I just feel elated about it.

OP posts:

LexMitior · 10/02/2023 11:18

If anyone enjoys a good bit of humour on this, I recommend Chelsea Handler. Very funny.

www.chelseahandler.com

Original poster

theoldcatsmells · 10/02/2023 12:03

BigFatLiar · 09/02/2023 18:57

The point of the OPs post was she just does as she wants, no one else to take into account.

Do that with a child? Sorry toddlers I'm of to the pub for the evening make yourself something to eat and go to bed. Off on holiday, look after yourselves till I get back.

Nope if you have children you're not living the single life.

Show quote history

I see your point. I do go to the pub with my daughter, and restaurants, and I love to include her in things like that. I can sip a few pins with dad in a beer garden in the summer while she frolics with other children. I don't let her out of my sight nor get drunk.

It's always been this way. Also yes I am totally tied to the school run and I read and cuddle my daughter to sleep at 6 and don't see that stopping, but I enjoy that and treasure it.

I love my life, and I love being single.

But I said when I came back to the thread that indeed my child being in my life is not the same as being on my own and I appreciate that. It's the romantic relationship I don't need.

OP posts:

namechangeforthisbleep · 10/02/2023 13:35

@PurpleButterflyWings I agree with everything you said

GotABeatForYouMama · 10/02/2023 14:48

DeeCeeCherry · 10/02/2023 05:36

Good for you OP. I'm not single I'm in a LTR - but, I don't live with my partner. We socialise and holiday together, see each other 2 or 3 times weekly. I like my home, decor, space, not having to take a live-in man into account, not sharing a bed with a man every night. I remain surprised when people I know are surprised that I don't live with DP after several years. I don't see why we need to live together, we live down the road from each other, communicate daily, and we're perfectly happy as we are.

I've been married previously and although the split was amicable, I know I'm really not cut out for living with a man. I 'get it' when women are happily single. It's nice to be happily married I should think but for those happily single it's also cool to be happy in yourself and not want or feel you need a man to complete you. Live life on your own terms.

I could have written this. We have been together 21 years and I have absolutely no desire to live with him. People often say "well he could be seeing someone else when he's not with you", like every man who's ever been married is as faithful as a puppy.

DivorcingEU · 10/02/2023 15:10

theoldcatsmells · 10/02/2023 10:57

@JoonT What I have come to realise is that cohesive relationships where two people mesh really well are rarer than we are led to believe.

It's put up as something we can all have and I just don't think that's the case. I think it's rare to find someone you can be with for a long time. I want my daughter to have it, but I also want her to be okay without it.

It's a real epiphany for me.

This.

I actually hope my daughter decides to stay single - or has a relationship with a woman. I know that women can also be shit (really, cos I was abused by my mother) but the expectations of each aren't imbibed with patriarchal notions of sex roles.

OP Im getting out of an abusive marriage (hopefully) and I've had a few days where he's away for work etc. it's simply amazing to imagine that that could be my life. While this relationship has broken me, it's also given me a full appreciation of being alone (with the kids). I CAN'T WAIT!

Carlycat · 10/02/2023 15:33

Me too. Never wanted kids, marriage or any of that malarkey
More and more women and choosing to stay single ✊
And I think the older you get the less shite you'll put up with
Being in a relationship is drastically overrated
( as are men )

Farmageddon · 10/02/2023 15:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ladies - don't bother your little heads with science, mansplainer extraordinaire Mr. BettyGreen is here to tell us all how despite insisting that we're happy as we are, we are secretly miserable without a man. How nice...

Metabigot · 10/02/2023 16:02

Cotonsugar · 10/02/2023 08:51

I decided to do some random cooking late last night with nobody to question me about it, then I watched some tv with complete control of the remote and then went to sleep in my double bed with plenty of space to stretch out and absolutely no snoring to listen to or duvet theft to put up with. I don’t miss the daily “what are we having for dinner?” question either and sometimes don’t even bother making dinner - yay 😀
The Alonement podcast is good. Intending to stay single forever 😊

That's absolutely not my experience of being married.
I do all these things whilst married... we have a very independent marriage but it seems to work.

Not Knocking the happy single thing but just not fan of all the things people say you can't do/ have to do in a partnership. I've always been fiercely independent and this was part of our wedding reading, about not lsing our independence, from gibrans 'the prophet ' if anyone wants to know.

Again don't slag me off for daring to say that you can be happy and married. Each yo their own. So long as you're happy I don't gaf if your married single of whatever.

TokyoStories · 10/02/2023 16:17

I'm in my 30s, single for a year now and after several dreadful relationships I have no intention of looking again. If the right person comes along in my day to day life I might consider it, but I won't actively seek it.

Things I love:

A kingsize bed to myself
Eating what I want, when I want
Watching whatever I want on TV
Listening to Radio 4 without being told to turn it off
Sheets that I don't feel the need to wash every day because they're no longer covered in ManHair and skidmarks (I kid you not)
Being able to spend an evening WhatsApping with my friendship group without my partner looking over my shoulder and complaining or accusing me of things
My own untidiness (can't deal with other people's untidiness)
Reading in the evening without being pestered
Not being pawed at and pestered for sex
Not being made to feel guilty about not wanting sex
Not getting into pointless, draining arguments all the time
Not having to talk to anyone if I don't want to (which is quite a lot tbf)
Lack of crumbs on the counter
Silence

Things I miss

Meals out (don't have many local friends)
Holidays (although they were usually full of arguments)

crochetmonkey74 · 10/02/2023 16:34

I don't know why so many are struggling to understand - yes, a happy marriage can be great - but even the happiest one has compromises

Holiday choice, furniture choice, not spending every night reading silently if your partner needs to talk or vice versa

SOME PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT

It doesn't mean that they are sad or lonely * *

Metabigot · 10/02/2023 17:11

crochetmonkey74 · 10/02/2023 16:34

I don't know why so many are struggling to understand - yes, a happy marriage can be great - but even the happiest one has compromises

Holiday choice, furniture choice, not spending every night reading silently if your partner needs to talk or vice versa

SOME PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT

It doesn't mean that they are sad or lonely * *

Yeah but it's not all 'can't go to bed until he does/ can't go to x place cos he doesn't like it.'

I get some people prefer no relationship therefore no compromise but its not one extreme or the other.
Why are so many struggling to understand that?

It's not a whose life is better competition. Weird thread to say I LOVE being single... who cares? Why the need to shout it out, and shout down anyone saying they are happy coupled up. Just crack on.

I LOVE bread and butter pudding but ain't gonna start a thread on it.

crochetmonkey74 · 10/02/2023 17:20

I LOVE bread and butter pudding but ain't gonna start a thread on it.

Why not ? Its a chat forum full of all sorts of things like that

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 10/02/2023 17:20

Weird thread to say I LOVE being single... who cares? Why the need to shout it out, and shout down anyone saying they are happy coupled up. Just crack on.
I LOVE bread and butter pudding but ain't gonna start a thread on it.

Do you not know how Mumsnet works? People start threads about random shit.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 10/02/2023 17:22

what's with the angry 'happily married' people on this thread?

Metabigot · 10/02/2023 17:24

crochetmonkey74 · 10/02/2023 17:20

I LOVE bread and butter pudding but ain't gonna start a thread on it.

Why not ? Its a chat forum full of all sorts of things like that

Cos the non bread and butter pudding fans would have an argy-bargy.

But but... what about CHEESECAKE?

This is mumsnet after all...

Metabigot · 10/02/2023 17:26

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 10/02/2023 17:20

Do you not know how Mumsnet works? People start threads about random shit.

That's exactly why I spend far too much time on here.

Usually descends into randos arguing over bollocks which is part of the entertainment

Over40Overdating · 10/02/2023 17:32

@MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake I know right - nothing says happily married like being furiously angry that other women are happily single!

If we are going to live happy, fulfilled lives without A MAN, we should at least have the decency to be silent or ashamed of it, I guess.

Shameless singletons unite!

5128gap · 10/02/2023 17:33

crochetmonkey74 · 10/02/2023 16:34

I don't know why so many are struggling to understand - yes, a happy marriage can be great - but even the happiest one has compromises

Holiday choice, furniture choice, not spending every night reading silently if your partner needs to talk or vice versa

SOME PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT

It doesn't mean that they are sad or lonely * *

They're struggling to understand because they're men (or women in thrall to men) who find this sort of talk very threatening.
No happily married woman is going to give two hoots about a bunch of single women saying they're happier single. Why would they? Each to their own and all that. I'm in a happy relationship and feel no need to have other women affirm my choices or to argue theirs are inferior. I'm just happy they're happy too.
No, the ones who 'don't understand' and get all upset and irritated by what should actually be a very positive thread, are those for whom nerves are touched. The secretly miserable, the insecure who want constant reassurance their's is the better life, the poor men brigade, and of course, the men themselves.

xJoy · 10/02/2023 17:36

SO true. Happily married women are happy people, who know they'd be happy single. It's a it emotionally insecure or something to NOT GET that women can be happy single. Makes them question the sacrifices they deny they've made.

crochetmonkey74 · 10/02/2023 17:39

Metabigot · 10/02/2023 17:26

That's exactly why I spend far too much time on here.

Usually descends into randos arguing over bollocks which is part of the entertainment

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣🤣

EmmaEmerald · 10/02/2023 17:47

Metabigot "It's not a whose life is better competition. Weird thread to say I LOVE being single... who cares? Why the need to shout it out, and shout down anyone saying they are happy coupled up. Just crack on. I LOVE bread and butter pudding but ain't gonna start a thread on it."

I'm not a fan, but I totally understand if someone starts a thread on that. We had a thread about macaroni cheese the other day!

I have seen a lot of threads with people saying "tell us what you love about your partner". So what's wrong with this one? It's all good. You have the bread and butter pudding, I'll have chocolate ice cream. Everyone's a winner!

funinthesun19 · 10/02/2023 17:55

I’ve been single for just over three years now after a 10 year rocky/abusive/unhappy relationship. I feel liberated being on my own and I still find it all a novelty being the boss of my own world.

I’ve had comments from people asking why I’m not looking for someone and I’ve had people trying to set me up with someone. One of my friends has been seeing a guy who’s been messing her about but she wants to see i hi or it goes and the cycle continues. It’s been taking up loads of her headspace. I could not be doing with that sort of complication and distraction in my life.

I was in a relationship from age 16-20 and then straight in to another relationship from age 20-30. I’m 33 now, so these past 3 years have been the only adult years where I have been single. These are the years where I’m working on myself and growing, and a man would just not be compatible with that right now. I’m too affected by my past for starters, and my mental health isn’t great. So I’m working on that. Plus I want to be able to enjoy things and make my own decisions without having to run it by anyone else. And of course, I have 4 children and so I am very busy!

One day in the future I do hope I meet someone. The right one. And to share my life with them in happiness. But for now, I’m very happy being single!

JoonT · 10/02/2023 18:12

Carlycat · 10/02/2023 15:33

I agree. But, to be fair, there are some lovely men and flippin awful women as well. We need to get to a stage where singledom is a normal lifestyle choice - for both men and women. My paternal grandfather, for example, was a kind, easy-going old chap, who loved his beer and darts. He’d have been a thousand times happier if he’d never married or had kids. But in those days it was just what you did. So he married my grandmother (a selfish, shrieking monster who made his life hell).

Even today, people who don’t want a relationship (as opposed to people who are single but looking) are still regarded as weirdos. There is this assumption that anyone who isn’t looking is either odd or bitter or has simply given up. Lots of people just don’t get that some people prefer living on their own.

Thesharkradar · 10/02/2023 18:14

Mabelface · 09/02/2023 17:33

I do what I want, when I want without having to consider anyone else. My money is my own. I have a king size bed all to myself, with no snoring in the background. The TV remote is mine and mine only.

that's pretty much what men do when they are IN a relationship ....isn't it

MovieQueen12 · 10/02/2023 18:19

Would love to live in a society where being single is seen as normal.
Believe me, the stigma is still high. Especially the older I get, the more I feel I am judged. Labelled as a spinster, loner or weirdo.

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