Just want to say, I LOVE being single.

[theoldcatsmells]

I'm 41. I spent my entire life chasing men, hoping they would want me, hoping they would validate me. I'm ashamed of myself. It got me in so much trouble. Wasting my life being loyal to a divvy. Then a totally abusive and controlling relationship which is still threatening to ruin my life.

But…. I look back on my life and realise that every single best period was when I was single.

Answering to no one. Having proper alone time. Watching what I want and doing what I want. Also flirting, and the excitement of knowing I can flirt with anyone and speak to anyone.

I've been listening to this podcast called Alonenemt and it’s really fun.

I just have literally no need for a man, for validation. Now of course a decent loving partner is a thing to be cherished, I've never had it! Well I have but I was so young I found it boring. Maybe there's something wrong with me but I just want to say I am overjoyed at being single and finally it’s a relief to realise it. To realise that that’s what my happiness is.

Can you share things you enjoy listening to about single life?
Can you share why you love being single?
I just feel elated about it.

We do indeed only have one side of the story. But ...... I'm absolutely inclined to believe it 😚

I hear you. But you likened reading Mumsnet to listening to the news. While the news is pretty depressing on the whole, I have no reason to believe that it's untrue.

I believe that many people on MN are probably reasonably content. But I firmly believe the wider statistic that marriage/partnership makes men happier and women more miserable. In general 😚

Good for you, OP. I’m married and happily so but if I ever found myself single again I’d stay that way. So many shit men out there.

Don’t give up on men yet - there’s a pot for every kid OP

This is typical of the bullshit that pervades these discussions. The trite sayings that imply that deep down everyone really wants to be coupled up, even if they don’t admit it. That it really is just a matter of finding the right one. It’s so toxic and damaging. It’s partly why women often stay in clearly awful situations as they perceive any man to be better than no man.

Newsflash: Some. Women. Have. Zero. Interest. In. Committed. Relationships. And. That’s. Ok.

The fact that a man is someone's son makes him no less awful - you do know that murderers and rapists have parents too?

Coming on to a thread where someone declares happiness in being single to tell them not to give up on the men they have already said that they're quite happy giving up on is very tone deaf.

Societal pressure definitely plays a part in single women needing to “defend” their choice. In a way that married women don’t have to. Hence why we have these threads.

I have an adult DS, he has ASD and absolutely zero interest in ever being in a relationship. He did live alone at one time but struggled with some aspects of that. So he lives with me now. I’m choosing to stay single (probably for life) for many of the reasons already outlined. We both work and he contributes to household expenses. It means we both have a good amount of disposal income that we wouldn’t have living separately. We share chores. We get on brilliantly. The house is big enough that we have our own space. Society however does judge our set up. Oh single man living with his mum, how sad. But we’re both really happy, no need to pity us at all.

There’s a lot of “you haven’t met the right person” thrown around. Maybe that’s true in some cases (not all for sure), but there’s no guarantee someone ever will. And I think many of us are now fed up of wading through the dross to try and find that elusive person. I know I am. If he were to somehow find his way to me, then I might give it a shot but I’m not looking for him anymore. I’m very happy with my life as it is.

No sorry! It’s not just mn. It’s statistics. It’s research. NAMALT etc etc etc! But look at violence against women stats. I think the number is 97 per cent of serious sexual assault is committed by men.

And listen to young women! Look at the research on sexual assault on campuses. My own experience - regularly groped, indecent exposure, spoken of like a piece of meat…

And as I said! I’m lucky. Never been raped. Married to a good human being! I still carry about 75 per cent of the domestic work. I earn 1/3 rd of his salary (we do remarkably similar jobs). When we worked together on a work project that was absolutely 50/50, he got all the credit - even when he explicitly stated this was Beardy’s idea. I have experienced sexism on a low level over and over and over.

And living with your son is NOT the same thing as living with a partner. It’s all about power and the potential of that power to favour one party. Most mother son dyads, the power is with the mother (matriarch). Most male female dyads, the power favours the male.

And even though I am lucky! My husband is a really good man and human being… I do find it tedious to discuss whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, do we really need two cars, etc etc! And it is annoying to see him sprint away in his job, while mine languishes, and do we really ‘flirt’? No! I would give my relationship a 8/10 for a 20 yr marriage. But STILL I can see the pull of being single.

Honestly what keeps me and hubby together is that we are best friends. But even if I lived with my actual best friend who I’ve known since I was two? Had to share the tasks with her? The finances? Listen to her snoring at night? I d probably get a bit sick of her after 20 yrs too.

And all that is BEFORE we get to the many (MANY) abusive assholes out there. Look into the stats on rape within marriage. Only criminalised in Ireland in the 90s. 100s of reports to womensaid a year. 4 convictions (as in… 4 since it became criminalised). Rape within marriage is FAR more widespread than accepted. And men are getting away with it.

we live in a f’ed up world! If you can be single, financially independent, buy your horse, make your own decisions?! I can see the attraction!

I decided to do some random cooking late last night with nobody to question me about it, then I watched some tv with complete control of the remote and then went to sleep in my double bed with plenty of space to stretch out and absolutely no snoring to listen to or duvet theft to put up with. I don’t miss the daily “what are we having for dinner?” question either and sometimes don’t even bother making dinner - yay 😀
The Alonement podcast is good. Intending to stay single forever 😊

This is me but in my late fifties, single for five years, three grownup kids, can’t see myself in another relationship ever 😊

Well I'm a long time single (very happily so) and have no children (never wanted them), but I still can't do exactly what I want every minute of the day.

I have other relationships in my life that I have to nurture and make compromises for - friendships, siblings, elderly parents (who are very fucking demanding these days), work colleagues etc. etc.

Doing exactly what you want when you want and never considering others isn't about being single, it's being selfish.

Also you seem to think that being single largely consists of wearing no clothes while watching tv - I don't know anyone who does this, single or not...it's just weird.

Are you male BettyGreen92? You sound like you are, this is such mansplaining bullshit...

Ha ha ha ha BettyGreen! Thanks for mansplaining how academia works! I mean, I d just never thought of bias. What a revelation?!

I think what we should do is write to the higher impact journals (the ones who have a reputations risk, and so are really invested in getting the research right). We should point out that each paper should include a methodologies section, which delineates in detail HOW the research was conducted. We should insist that the researchers explain any limitations on the study (including bias). Then! And here’s the real innovation! We should advise that the papers be blind peer reviewed, so that those methodology sections are checked by a second, third, fourth set of eyes. Eyes that don’t know who wrote the paper. Eyes that are invested in the research having integrity (because they are invested in the field).

O wait! What’s that they say?!? This is already being done?! But BettyGreen knows all about it and (s)he says there’s a bias issue….

Go on away with you and mansplain to someone else.

@userxx Thank you so much x

Yup.

This is lovely. I think it's so drilled into women especially that relationships are the be all and end all, and being able to be happily single without feeling like you're waiting for the rest of the puzzle is so important!

I'm happily married now and while my life isn't very different to being single, I did love being single when I was!

I think my favourite thing was the POSSIBILITY of it all - life was less predictable, because I had nobody to answer to/consider, so I did lots of very spontaneous house and job moves and holidays. I love the stability and certainty of what I have now very much but I really treasure the years I got to be selfish and do whatever I wanted, too!

I absolutely love being single and my friends can’t understand this for some reason. I listen to them bitch about their partners about all the arguments they have with them and then they ask me things like do I not get lonely when the kids go to bed. I used to think I needed a man to be happy aswell and stayed in relationships that were abusive and toxic. Now I think I’d rather my kids see me happy alone that in a relationship that is toxic or unhappy

@PurpleButterflyWings I escaped a very abusive controlling marriage (well I'm free from prison but I'm on the run due to court proceedings and frequent solicitor demands)

So not long, only since November. But I was single the whole time in that relationship. I was single when I was with my daughter's father because these were not proper relationships.

Like I said, I have had a good relationship, I was 19 and didn't appreciate/want it. I wanted to live life. I travelled a bit, nothing too fancy. I did various jobs. I partied hard.

But I just had this innate assumption that I needed a relationship to be happy and I've realised now fully that I don't.

Having multiple brilliant long-term friends who I would trust with my life helps of course. I speak to people all day every day about many things. I don't feel alone when I'm alone. Having a child helps too, and cats, I never feel alone.

When I'm alone I'm chatting to people online (people I know) or faffing about in facebook groups, or working, or watching what I want.

It's a freeing and wonderful feeling to know with all my soul that I will never ever settle for someone ever again since I simply don't need a relationship. If one came along that would actually add to my life of course I would grab that with both hands. It's not about saying relationships are bad.

I am just so happy and that's really an achievement given what my "husband" is now doing to me even though his dark energy is out of my home. 😍

@JoonT What I have come to realise is that cohesive relationships where two people mesh really well are rarer than we are led to believe.

It's put up as something we can all have and I just don't think that's the case. I think it's rare to find someone you can be with for a long time. I want my daughter to have it, but I also want her to be okay without it.

It's a real epiphany for me.

Yeah…no.
the difference is society has been telling women since forever that they need to be married to be happy and fulfilled. The ‘happily ever after’ fairy tale is literally about finding the ‘right’ man, and the societal expectation to get a man, settle down and have a family is still super strong.
so, when women discover that actually they are happier alone it’s a light bulb moment and that’s why posts like this happen and they matter.
the ‘you just haven’t found the right man’ trope is also condescending as fuck. I have no desire to find the right man. I’ve been single almosy a decade and have no plans to change it.