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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surname wars - who is unreasonable?

198 replies

Snoozingandlosing12 · 09/02/2023 09:38

Going to try and be completely objective to avoid swaying opinions.

I’ve been with DP for many years. We have two DC. We aren’t married but would both quite like to get married. DP has a double-barrelled surname. The first name of his surname is difficult to pronounce correctly for English people. When it’s incorrectly pronounced it rhymes with my first name. Think ‘Mrs Dawn Lawn’ but not as nice sounding and more humorous.

When we had DC we double-barrelled their surnames (not my preference) with my surname first and then the second part of his surname. I’m not keen on this. I would prefer they just have my surname or just the second part of his surname.

Now here’s the AIBU part. DP says he isn’t happy that we completely dropped the ‘Lawn’ part of his surname and that if we were to get married he would want the children’s names to be changed to have that part. He says he feels strongly tied to the ‘Lawn’ surname and hurt that his children don’t have it. My attitude is very much that I don’t care much about their surname, but I care that they have a surname that I could take if we were to get married (I would reluctantly take the same double-barrelled one they have) and that they don’t have a name that is hard to pronounce or could be teased.

This is a big obstacle to whether we would get married as he feels so strongly about this name. Who’s being unreasonable?

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 09/02/2023 09:40

How old are the dc? Let them decide. I’m sure they’d agree with you.

PuttingDownRoots · 09/02/2023 09:44

Add it as a middle name

Binfluencer · 09/02/2023 09:45

Sounds like it would simplest if you all had your name

jacult · 09/02/2023 09:48

I think it’s a bit unfair to change the children’s surnames now. Can’t you all just keep your own names as they are currently, seems the easiest and fairest.

DestinysGrandchild · 09/02/2023 09:48

I would just all have your name but I doubt your partner would be happy with that.

The kids got one of his last names and yours so he can't moan.

Devoutspoken · 09/02/2023 09:50

So it would be both his names, or just swapping out his name for the other one? Either way he is being ridiculous to be attached to a name, millions of women lose their name every day

ShirleyPhallus · 09/02/2023 09:51

I wouldn’t change their names now, I’d take the double barrelled bit. Ask them if they want the lawn bit if old enough then add as a middle name if so

AlmostOver22 · 09/02/2023 09:51

In your position I’d just keep my name if we got married, but I’m sure you’ve considered that and don’t want to.

SeaToSki · 09/02/2023 09:51

If this is an obstacle to him wanting to marry you, it seems like he needs to work on his compromising and relationship skills before you agree to marry him!

Original poster
Snoozingandlosing12 · 09/02/2023 09:51

It would be far simpler if we all had my name or if we all had the second half of his surname. Both of those options I would love.

The AIBU is that he won’t accept that as an option as he says the second half of his surname is meaningless to him and the first half means a lot. And he’s insistent his children would have it if we were to get married. I haven’t suggested it as a middle name, can imagine the response but worth a try..

OP posts:
DaveyJonesLocker · 09/02/2023 09:52

You can't just change the kids name. He wants the kids to be lawn-smith-johnson ? That would be ridiculous.

TobermorysMusicMachine · 09/02/2023 09:54

How old are the kids? I would say actually worth getting their opinion in this situation. They’ve been using their existing names in the world already.

And to save general ridiculousness may
be worth deploying surname as middle name options.

BIWI · 09/02/2023 09:55

I'm wondering if he actually doesn't want to get married. It sounds like a very weak excuse.

DestinysGrandchild · 09/02/2023 09:56

Well you've both got to agree to any name changes of your kids otherwise it won't happen. So no, he can insist they will have the extra name, but they can't just have it unless they're old enough to choose themselves.

SoupDragon · 09/02/2023 09:57

Why did he agree to drop the meaningful part of his surname when you registered the children? Changing it seems a bizarre thing to do now - how old are they?

No way would I be swapping my surname for one that rhymed with my first (in fact I did the opposite) so if he insisted on reinstating "Lawn" we wouldn't all be having the same family name.

LeilaGetTheHose · 09/02/2023 09:58

"My attitude is very much that I don’t care much about their surname"

You said he was the one to have pushed for both your surnames. Yet you're the one saying you'd prefer they just had your surname or the second part of his name. So clearly you do care about their surname.

It must bother him if he has raised it and is upset. I would maybe have either your surname or one of his surnames as a middle name.

DonnaBanana · 09/02/2023 10:00

There’s another option not being considered here: you could change your first name to something that doesn’t rhyme with the problematic surname

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/02/2023 10:01

I would say ask the kids. My 7 year old has strong feelings on their name (not double barrelled, but not english and I didnt change my name either).

I think this is a weird one to be honest, it's like he is holding you over a barrel...its their names now and have been for a number of years. Its a big thing to out a condition on changing someone elses name, for something thats essentially got nothing to do with them if that makes sense. If you dont get married then he is no better off from the 'essential name' issue. Surely the time for him to be having these discussions was when you named the children not when you discussed getting married. You've already compromised and given the kids a family name that you all agreed on at the time. The only time I've heard kids changing their name when a parent married was when it was a mum marrying a new step dad and the bio dad isnt in the picture

toomuchlaundry · 09/02/2023 10:01

Just keep the names you all have now

bussteward · 09/02/2023 10:05

I have a double barrel surname and I wouldn’t be happy with just half of it – it’s all my name. Our compromise, to spare our DC being triple barrelled, was to choose an entirely new surname for the kids and they then have our three surnames (my double barrel and DP’s single) as additional middle names. They have a regular middle name too so they can say they are Firstname Middlename Surname but also officially it’s longer, and puts our surnames on their passports. We’ve each kept our own surname. And I know plenty of couples who invented new marital surnames – portmanteaus or brand-new names – for themselves.

I don’t think you can overrule his name just because it rhymes with yours.

Original poster
Snoozingandlosing12 · 09/02/2023 10:05

Ok I’m talking to him as doing this and reading him the responses.

He says it’s because when the children were born he had no say in their surname. I dispute that because if it was up to me they would be called just my surname or just his latter half of the surname. He said he valued the double-barrelled tradition he has so we did that. I also feel a bit defensive because when they were born we weren’t married and he knew for a while that I would have liked to be.

I’ve had three surnames in my life and I don’t feel any particular attachment to one. I guess what I mean is that I am hugely bothered about potentially having a surname that rhymes with my first name or, by refusing to do that, having a different surname to my children. He thinks that if I want to get married I have to stop being so awkward about his surname.

OP posts:
lemonsugarsnap · 09/02/2023 10:12

He is BU. You've already both compromised. He wants you to compromise even further. And you're completely right in that it would be ridiculous to take a surname that rhymes with your first name.

If you want the same surname as your kids and he's faffing about with getting married, just change your name.

litlealligator · 09/02/2023 10:13

Being married is not about a surname at all. But if he wanted to really have a say in it, he should have married you before the children were born. He left it too late; you kindly gave them names which reflected his surname (which you really didn't have to do given you weren't married so tradition would say they just take your name). The question of whether you now get married is completely unrelated to the names of your children; if you wanted to change the names you could do it without being married so long as you both agreed. Honestly it sounds like he dragged his feet on marriage before you had kids and now he's come up with another pretty silly excuse to drag his feet. How would you be financially if you split up? Is he avoiding marriage to avoid giving you rights to a house etc?

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 09/02/2023 10:15

Do men EVER stop to think that maybe other people don't want to lose their surname and may be attached to that themselves?

PhillySub · 09/02/2023 10:15

He is playing dominant male with you.