Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surname wars - who is unreasonable?

198 replies

Snoozingandlosing12 · 09/02/2023 09:38

Going to try and be completely objective to avoid swaying opinions.

I’ve been with DP for many years. We have two DC. We aren’t married but would both quite like to get married. DP has a double-barrelled surname. The first name of his surname is difficult to pronounce correctly for English people. When it’s incorrectly pronounced it rhymes with my first name. Think ‘Mrs Dawn Lawn’ but not as nice sounding and more humorous.

When we had DC we double-barrelled their surnames (not my preference) with my surname first and then the second part of his surname. I’m not keen on this. I would prefer they just have my surname or just the second part of his surname.

Now here’s the AIBU part. DP says he isn’t happy that we completely dropped the ‘Lawn’ part of his surname and that if we were to get married he would want the children’s names to be changed to have that part. He says he feels strongly tied to the ‘Lawn’ surname and hurt that his children don’t have it. My attitude is very much that I don’t care much about their surname, but I care that they have a surname that I could take if we were to get married (I would reluctantly take the same double-barrelled one they have) and that they don’t have a name that is hard to pronounce or could be teased.

This is a big obstacle to whether we would get married as he feels so strongly about this name. Who’s being unreasonable?

OP posts:
plumduck · 09/02/2023 12:38

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 12:35

Take his name if your getting married simples that's how it goes. 😏

No it's not

BIWI · 09/02/2023 12:40

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 12:35

Take his name if your getting married simples that's how it goes. 😏

JFC it's the 21st century now!

No woman has to take the name of a man (or woman) she is marrying.

Get back to the 1950s.

Orangepolentacake · 09/02/2023 12:43

BIWI · 09/02/2023 09:55

I'm wondering if he actually doesn't want to get married. It sounds like a very weak excuse.

^^

StarsSand · 09/02/2023 12:43

He's being ridiculous. It sounds like a wet excuse to avoid getting married TBH.

So you were pregnant, and wanted to be married yet he didn't marry you. You then, very sensibly, gave your children your name. You, very generously, added one of his surnames as well. This is more than you owed a man who hadn't married you.

And now he's sulking years down the track because it wasn't as he wished it. He had his chance to say something at the time. He had his chance to marry you at the time.

If it's a name that will sound stupid then of course you shouldn't take it. Of course you want your children's names to match your own- he obviously feels the same and so should respect that.

Stick to your guns.

Lots of women give up names that mean something to them every day. He is keeping his name, his linage is represented already in his children's names. He's being fucking ridiculous insisting on a swap at this point, to something that will sound silly for you, for the sake of his ego or legacy or whatever.

Gymmum82 · 09/02/2023 12:45

Drop the last bit of his surname if he’s not attached to it and double barrel with yours then the first part of his. Then your name won’t be a rhyming name as it’ll be broken up eg Mrs Dawn Jones Lawn.

plumduck · 09/02/2023 12:47

Does he realise that marrying you doesn't mean he owns you

BreatheAndFocus · 09/02/2023 13:04

YADNBU. You compromised when your DC were born and nowhere wants you to give in to his wishes? It sounds like he’s using the marriage/name thing as blackmail. He’s aware you want to get married and thinks this is an ideal opportunity to pressure you about the name by saying he won’t marry you otherwise.

I’d keep the names they have and not marry him if he’s going to act like that.

BreatheAndFocus · 09/02/2023 13:05

Nowhere= now he

sillysmiles · 09/02/2023 13:09

Snoozingandlosing12 · 09/02/2023 09:51

It would be far simpler if we all had my name or if we all had the second half of his surname. Both of those options I would love.

The AIBU is that he won’t accept that as an option as he says the second half of his surname is meaningless to him and the first half means a lot. And he’s insistent his children would have it if we were to get married. I haven’t suggested it as a middle name, can imagine the response but worth a try..

Would double barrelling your name and lawn work and dropping the second part of his surname? Having Dawn Hobbs-Lawn?

SoupDragon · 09/02/2023 13:13

aSofaNearYou · 09/02/2023 11:21

*Because the first part rhymed with her first name. It's in her first post.

If you'd be fine going through life with a name like Sally O'Malley and sound like a CBeebies character, good for you. The OP doesn't fancy it.*

Yes I know, but if her name was between the first name and surname then this wouldn't be an issue.

If this was the only reason they kept his "meaningless" second name rather than the first one then I do think that's quite unfair to him. But a bit late to speak up now unless the kids are still very young.

Yes I know, but if her name was between the first name and surname then this wouldn't be an issue.

Dawn Smith-Lawn still sounds silly.

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 09/02/2023 13:16

why does anyone need to change any name? when we got married I kept my maiden name, my DH kept his and the kids have kept their double barrel name..

SoupDragon · 09/02/2023 13:18

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 09/02/2023 13:16

why does anyone need to change any name? when we got married I kept my maiden name, my DH kept his and the kids have kept their double barrel name..

Good for you.

The OP has explained her scenario though.

Ivebeentofairyhousebutiveneverbeentomeath · 09/02/2023 13:29

Nonsensical faffing about over a name. If he likes the lawn part then he changes his name to x lawn and the kids change names to y and z lawn. No need for double barrelling. Then you just keep your own name if you don't like the rhyming. I have my husband's name but am pretty indifferent. A name is just a name. As Shakespeare said.

Naunet · 09/02/2023 13:31

Ivebeentofairyhousebutiveneverbeentomeath · 09/02/2023 13:29

Nonsensical faffing about over a name. If he likes the lawn part then he changes his name to x lawn and the kids change names to y and z lawn. No need for double barrelling. Then you just keep your own name if you don't like the rhyming. I have my husband's name but am pretty indifferent. A name is just a name. As Shakespeare said.

Oh so the children shouldn’t have her name at all and she should change her to what he wants even though it will sound stupid? They should all just do what the lord and master wants? 🙄

Parisj · 09/02/2023 13:33

It can carry a weight of status, family tradition and carrying on the family name that becomes part of how a man views his own success. But that can't be reconciled with fairness or equality, and times move on.

CharmedUndead · 09/02/2023 13:35

Wow. Okay. First, no one needs to change their names on marriage. Least of all the dc! That's not even a little bit what marriage is about. So this is easily solved by everyone keeping the name they have now.

If a family name is important, it should be the one the children currently have. Everyone takes that.

He cannot change the dc names without your consent. He knows this. So he is either making a drama of this now because he does not want to be married at all, or he is using marriage as a bargaining chip to get his way on the dc names. And yours.

Either way, I think you should reconsider marriage with a man who would take this position. It's all about him, not the dc and not you.

007DoubleOSeven · 09/02/2023 13:35

SeaToSki · 09/02/2023 09:51

If this is an obstacle to him wanting to marry you, it seems like he needs to work on his compromising and relationship skills before you agree to marry him!

I don't believe any man should set such store by his surname unless they're genuinely willing to give it up as millions of staunch feminists do every day in order to keep the peace. As far as male entitlement goes its up there with mainspreading and pavement shoulder barging.

Ponderingwindow · 09/02/2023 13:40

He is being unreasonable. The children have already been named. Those names now belong to them. You shouldn’t be changing them. The only people who should change their names are the children themselves once they reach adulthood and are free to do so without undue influence. The exception would be an adoption, which does not apply here.

K37529 · 09/02/2023 13:51

I understand this form both perspectives, the surname is important to him and you don't want your name to sound silly. There is no option here where you both will be happy. One of you either needs to go along with what the other wants or don't get married and keep the names as they are.

2bazookas · 09/02/2023 13:55

Tell DH he's too late to change the childrens' names now.

If he quite wants to marry you he could have done it
quite a long time ago but didn't.

If you and he both quite want to get married sometime or other that's between you. The children are not getting married to either of you.

Nagado · 09/02/2023 14:01

He is being utterly ridiculous. The time for talking about this has passed. This is the sort of stuff that gets decided before the children are born. They’re here now, they have their names and he has no right to cause them a life time of extra aggravation simply because he wants his own way. What will they write on all of those forms that ask for explanations of previous names? ‘Even though we had our names for years, my dad had a tantrum and refused to say some words of commitment in front of a registrar unless we changed our identities, so my mum pandered to his bullshit so his ego didn’t get dented’.

DP says he isn’t happy that we completely dropped the ‘Lawn’ part of his surname and that if we were to get married he would want the children’s names to be changed to have that part. He says he feels strongly tied to the ‘Lawn’ surname and hurt that his children don’t have it What has changed? Why was he happy for them to have their surnames before marriage, but thinks they have to include ‘Lawn’ after marriage? And has he ever considered that they might feel strongly tied to the name they have now and feel no connection to the ‘Lawn’ name?

I think he needs to grow up.

BreadwinneBaker · 09/02/2023 14:21

ou compromised when your DC were born and nowhere wants you to give in to his wishes? It sounds like he’s using the marriage/name thing as blackmail. He’s aware you want to get married and thinks this is an ideal opportunity to pressure you about the name by saying he won’t marry you otherwise.

100% agree with this! DH if you're still reading... we see what you're doing.

Figmentof · 09/02/2023 14:26

I would not change their name now, wouldn’t they then have a lifetime of having to produce extra documents to reconcile from their birth certificate to new name.

lieselotte · 09/02/2023 15:20

Doesn't this mean that the kids will go from being called Smith-Hart to Lawn-Smith-Hart?

Surely he can see that's too long and cumbersome?

Does he want it swapped from Smith-Hart to Lawn-Hart?

Or does he want your name dropped altogether? The only option I might agree to is the replacement of one of his surnames with the other one, but really it should have been resolved at their births, it's a hassle to change it now and will cause problems all their lives eg when it comes to DBS checks.

I would stand firm. Why should they have his name and not yours? Why should they have a name that is difficult to pronounce? Stick with the status quo.

It doesn't sound like it's worth getting married. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Just make sure you have decent wills, financial protection and jointly own your home.

lieselotte · 09/02/2023 15:22

Figmentof · 09/02/2023 14:26

I would not change their name now, wouldn’t they then have a lifetime of having to produce extra documents to reconcile from their birth certificate to new name.

The oddest things can cause difficulties.

When our son was born we called him John Paul Smith (not his real name, to be clear!) So that was the details the hospital had and sent off for child benefit purposes.

But when we came to register his birth, we decided to add my husband's middle name (in hindsight I don't know why as he already had his surname).

So, for whatever reason, the DVLA has the original name and his passport shows the longer name with two middle names. Which caused an issue on his last DBS check.