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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surname wars - who is unreasonable?

198 replies

Snoozingandlosing12 · 09/02/2023 09:38

Going to try and be completely objective to avoid swaying opinions.

I’ve been with DP for many years. We have two DC. We aren’t married but would both quite like to get married. DP has a double-barrelled surname. The first name of his surname is difficult to pronounce correctly for English people. When it’s incorrectly pronounced it rhymes with my first name. Think ‘Mrs Dawn Lawn’ but not as nice sounding and more humorous.

When we had DC we double-barrelled their surnames (not my preference) with my surname first and then the second part of his surname. I’m not keen on this. I would prefer they just have my surname or just the second part of his surname.

Now here’s the AIBU part. DP says he isn’t happy that we completely dropped the ‘Lawn’ part of his surname and that if we were to get married he would want the children’s names to be changed to have that part. He says he feels strongly tied to the ‘Lawn’ surname and hurt that his children don’t have it. My attitude is very much that I don’t care much about their surname, but I care that they have a surname that I could take if we were to get married (I would reluctantly take the same double-barrelled one they have) and that they don’t have a name that is hard to pronounce or could be teased.

This is a big obstacle to whether we would get married as he feels so strongly about this name. Who’s being unreasonable?

OP posts:
JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 09/02/2023 10:16

I bet the first part of his surname was his fathers and the bit he doesn't care about was his mothers.

Emanresu9 · 09/02/2023 10:16

I think it would be easier if all of you including DP changed to your surname.

Ponoka7 · 09/02/2023 10:17

Again how old are the children? My GC wants to change her surname, she's eight. Unless you are going to be a lot more financially well off marry him, I'd tell him to get stuffed. It seems like a control issue on his part and he's enjoying dangling the carrot of marriage.

Snoken · 09/02/2023 10:17

I think the kids should just have your name, that is the traditional way.

Let's say you are marrying Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen, and your name was Evelyn Grant, does he seriously think you should be happy with Evelyn Llewelyn, rather than Evelyn Grant-Bowen? If that is the case then he is just being selfish and stubborn. The name has to work for all family members if you are going to get married and changing your name, otherwise just stick with your name.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 09/02/2023 10:18

DonnaBanana · 09/02/2023 10:00

There’s another option not being considered here: you could change your first name to something that doesn’t rhyme with the problematic surname

Are you being serious?

GroggyLegs · 09/02/2023 10:19

He's being an arse.

He choses HIS name.
You chose YOUR name.

And he was fine with the kids names at the point of registering, why should they go fucking about on his whim?

Hard NO.
I'm unreasonably irritated on your behalf for some reason!

44PumpLane · 09/02/2023 10:20

So you have to stop being "so awkward" but he gets to continue to be as awkward as he likes?! Fuck that!

If you get married either keep your name or change it to match your children's double barrelled name, hell do it now! You do not need his permission to legally change your name and you do not need a marriage licence to legally change your name.

He can do what he likes with his name.....you've named your children now and that's that. Do not consent to a name change for them unless they specifically want to when they are older.

44PumpLane · 09/02/2023 10:22

JustHereWithMyPopcorn

I bet the first part of his surname was his fathers and the bit he doesn't care about was his mothers.

I believe in a lot of Med cultures that double barrel it's the maternal bit that goes first and then is carried forwards to the child's marriage.....wouldn't it be nice if that was the case here! :)

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 09/02/2023 10:24

Yes it really would @44PumpLane

Binfluencer · 09/02/2023 10:27

DonnaBanana · 09/02/2023 10:00

There’s another option not being considered here: you could change your first name to something that doesn’t rhyme with the problematic surname

@DonnaBanana

Assume this handmaids style suggestion is a joke?

FawnFrenchieMum · 09/02/2023 10:27

Can’t you swap it round so it double barrels the other way, so instead of Dawn Lawn-Smith you all begins Smith-Lawn. Breaks up the rhyming part, you all get the same name and he keeps the part he’s attached to. (The smith part could either be your maidan name or his second half of his surname).

To whoever said you can’t just changed the kids names, well you can if you want to.

FawnFrenchieMum · 09/02/2023 10:29

Become* not begin

Binfluencer · 09/02/2023 10:30

Get married if it's the right thing for you (don't if you're the higher earner or you think he'd get more sexist on marriage) and leave all your names as they are.

We have three surnames, my surname, the kids have my late husbands surname and DP has his own. Wouldn't change anything if we got married, literally what's the point?

JudgeRudy · 09/02/2023 10:30

I think the boat has sailed on this one. You've got 2 children and have already named them. Why has your partner brought it up now?
Regards double barrelled names - whilst in theory it's nice to take a little bit from each family line, when does it stop?
Let's assume you marry and you become Mrs Toni Smith Monez-Ragu, child becomes 'Baby Smith Monez-Ragu....child grows and marries Chris Packet-Jones....is their children now Baby Smith Monez-Ragu Packet-Jones.....

I think you children have their name. Just leave it. If one set of grandparents names are left out so be it.

ArnoldBee · 09/02/2023 10:30

And he wants to subhect his children to a life of filling in forms stating they were known as another name?

ShesThunderstorms · 09/02/2023 10:31

If he was that bothered about the kids names, surely he'd have been more vocal about it when they were registered.
How old are the kids? Are they old enough to say what they would like their names to be? I think if they are then each family meme we should just choose their own name.

ImAvingOops · 09/02/2023 10:37

Changing the kids names might be problematic in the future when they have to declare on forms if they've ever been legally known by another name. It just adds another layer of complexity an potential for confusion.
He seems to want all things his own way - traditionally in the UK, children are given their mother's last name. Sometimes that's the same name as their dad, if the parents are married and the mother has already changed her name. Since you are unmarried, he's lucky his name is there at all, given that you wanted to he married and he's dragged his heels!

Personally I'd be inclined to say get married and keep everyone's names as they are. Or if he's not willing to get married unless he gets all his own way, I'd take this as a sign if he better off single.

Women who feel that being married is important, shouldn't have children until they are. If he won't marry you, then move on and find a man who will.

GCWorkNightmare · 09/02/2023 10:37

There are no circumstances in which I would change my name. Not even to Pitt.

Marriage in this instance shouldn’t change anybody’s identity in this way.

Presumably he’s the only person whose name he doesn’t propose changes. 🤔

Don’t bow down at this alter of patriarchy, OP. Marry for the protection it offers, not this bollocks.

DestinysGrandchild · 09/02/2023 10:40

DonnaBanana · 09/02/2023 10:00

There’s another option not being considered here: you could change your first name to something that doesn’t rhyme with the problematic surname

Umm.. why the fuck should she have to? Her husband is just being a twat.

AnotherSpare · 09/02/2023 10:40

If you are not attached to keeping your own surname then he and the kids can use his double-barrelled surname and you just use the second part of it? So you still have one name in common.
Or if you are attached to you own name, you double-barrel your name with the second part of his, he and the kids use his double-barrel name, so you all have one of the names in common. You could even add your surname as a middle name for the kids.
It would be silly for you to go through the rest of your life with a first name/surname that rhymes and are therefore embarrassed by.
All of this, I'm assuming the kids are little and can adapt to a name. If they are older, just let them decide themselves.

BenCoopersSupportWren · 09/02/2023 10:40

I agree with those who say this seems less about the name and more about finding another reason to drag his heels over getting married.

Is he aware you were under no obligation to give the children any part of his name, but chose to do so in recognition he’s their father? Why did he not hold out for the “Lawn” equivalent part of his name then, if it was so important to him? Why is he so prepared to mess his children around and cause them future inconvenience? Is it insecurity? Is he generally controlling? Too immature to have an adult conversation about different expectations about marriage and hiding behind this excuse?

Would it be a dealbreaker for you if he said he never wanted to marry?

Beautiful3 · 09/02/2023 10:41

Keep their names as it is. When you get married, use the same surname as the children so you have the same. There's no way I'd use his full surname, if it sounded werid. I had a werid surname, I hated hearing it at the doctors/school/uni and work. I'd physically blush with embarrassment. When I married, I couldn't wait to adopt a normal name. Don't do it to yourself, or your kids.

Drfosters · 09/02/2023 10:42

Personally I’m not a fan of double barrelling surnames as I think it leads to further complications such as this for the next generation and then the next. Where does it stop? I also think, as someone with a long first name and whose maiden name was long, it got very tiresome having to spend ages writing my name out on forms and then sometimes running out of space. I Was super glad to get married and have a short new surname. I think someone else’s suggestion to add in the ‘extra’ surnames as middles names is the perfect solution. The names are included, they don’t have to used unless the children want to and they can pass to this children if they so wish as a tradition. Ironically It is more likely to be passed down the generations if it is a middle name rather than a surname. My friend’s family did that and she has a middle name that has been passed down many generations to both the girls and the boys in the family but it is clearly originally a surname.

ImAvingOops · 09/02/2023 10:43

I changed my name and I sometimes regret it now. In retrospect it feels like I didn't really think it through properly. Especially now I have sisters in law who have 'my' name and I don't - sometimes that's a bit jarring to me.

That said, if I'd had a really awful last name, I'd have ditched it asap.
Sorry, am waffling but my point is for women not to do these things on a whim and actually think about how they might feel down the line

Beautiful3 · 09/02/2023 10:44

DonnaBanana · Today 10:00

"There’s another option not being considered here: you could change your first name to something that doesn’t rhyme with the problematic surname."

Why should she change her actual first name to accommodate her boyfriends feelings?! It's her identity!