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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surname wars - who is unreasonable?

198 replies

Snoozingandlosing12 · 09/02/2023 09:38

Going to try and be completely objective to avoid swaying opinions.

I’ve been with DP for many years. We have two DC. We aren’t married but would both quite like to get married. DP has a double-barrelled surname. The first name of his surname is difficult to pronounce correctly for English people. When it’s incorrectly pronounced it rhymes with my first name. Think ‘Mrs Dawn Lawn’ but not as nice sounding and more humorous.

When we had DC we double-barrelled their surnames (not my preference) with my surname first and then the second part of his surname. I’m not keen on this. I would prefer they just have my surname or just the second part of his surname.

Now here’s the AIBU part. DP says he isn’t happy that we completely dropped the ‘Lawn’ part of his surname and that if we were to get married he would want the children’s names to be changed to have that part. He says he feels strongly tied to the ‘Lawn’ surname and hurt that his children don’t have it. My attitude is very much that I don’t care much about their surname, but I care that they have a surname that I could take if we were to get married (I would reluctantly take the same double-barrelled one they have) and that they don’t have a name that is hard to pronounce or could be teased.

This is a big obstacle to whether we would get married as he feels so strongly about this name. Who’s being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Dreamstate · 09/02/2023 10:44

ArnoldBee · 09/02/2023 10:30

And he wants to subhect his children to a life of filling in forms stating they were known as another name?

100% this.

BadNomad · 09/02/2023 10:45

Get married and everyone just keep their names as they are. This isn't the 1800s. You aren't his possessions he gets to brand with his name.

GrapesOfRoss · 09/02/2023 10:46

Too late to change the kids' names- that ship has sailed. If he likes the Lawn bit, he can keep it. You keep your name. So you're:

Dawn Smith
Fred Lawn Jones
Sally Smith Jones
Bob Smith Jones

Sounds fine to me.

GrapesOfRoss · 09/02/2023 10:47

You aren't his possessions he gets to brand with his name.

Quite.

Naunet · 09/02/2023 10:50

Snoozingandlosing12 · 09/02/2023 09:38

Going to try and be completely objective to avoid swaying opinions.

I’ve been with DP for many years. We have two DC. We aren’t married but would both quite like to get married. DP has a double-barrelled surname. The first name of his surname is difficult to pronounce correctly for English people. When it’s incorrectly pronounced it rhymes with my first name. Think ‘Mrs Dawn Lawn’ but not as nice sounding and more humorous.

When we had DC we double-barrelled their surnames (not my preference) with my surname first and then the second part of his surname. I’m not keen on this. I would prefer they just have my surname or just the second part of his surname.

Now here’s the AIBU part. DP says he isn’t happy that we completely dropped the ‘Lawn’ part of his surname and that if we were to get married he would want the children’s names to be changed to have that part. He says he feels strongly tied to the ‘Lawn’ surname and hurt that his children don’t have it. My attitude is very much that I don’t care much about their surname, but I care that they have a surname that I could take if we were to get married (I would reluctantly take the same double-barrelled one they have) and that they don’t have a name that is hard to pronounce or could be teased.

This is a big obstacle to whether we would get married as he feels so strongly about this name. Who’s being unreasonable?

How does he think women coped/cope with not only the children often not having their name at all, but also being expected to change their own name on marriage? Honestly, I’d struggle to have sympathy.
More importantly though, having 3 last names would be ridiculous.

Marblessolveeverything · 09/02/2023 10:52

How are you being awkward ? You have the right to name your children your name and you have the right to decide your surname.

He can have a want but he isnt married so he doesnt get to name the children. Marriage in this case should not change any names - then everyone stays the same and the only thing that changes is the status of your relationship.

He maintains his double barrelled name - what justification is there for you not to have your children named your name?

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/02/2023 10:53

Leave the children’s names as they are. It’s a bit of a red flag that he thinks he can rename them to the branding of his choice rather than seeing them as individuals with their own names they may be attached to.

They will forever have additional admin about legal names because he’s being obstinate.

In fact the whole thing sounds very “when we’re married it’s on my terms with the names I approve.” Is he normally sexist or is this just a one-off bone of contention?

SoupDragon · 09/02/2023 10:54

GrapesOfRoss · 09/02/2023 10:46

Too late to change the kids' names- that ship has sailed. If he likes the Lawn bit, he can keep it. You keep your name. So you're:

Dawn Smith
Fred Lawn Jones
Sally Smith Jones
Bob Smith Jones

Sounds fine to me.

This.

if he is really attached to the Lawn part I'd be OK with adding it as a middle name for the children but I wouldn't change their surname.

As previously stated, I absolutely wouldn't change my name to a rhyming one. It's miserable.

DarkNurseries · 09/02/2023 10:56

GCWorkNightmare · 09/02/2023 10:37

There are no circumstances in which I would change my name. Not even to Pitt.

Marriage in this instance shouldn’t change anybody’s identity in this way.

Presumably he’s the only person whose name he doesn’t propose changes. 🤔

Don’t bow down at this alter of patriarchy, OP. Marry for the protection it offers, not this bollocks.

To put it mildly. The only conversation in our house was which order to put both our surnames in for DS. If DH had had a double surname, he would have had to choose which part to use. We’re married. It never occurred to either of us that I would trade in my name for his because I have a vagina. Ridiculous.

TugboatAnnie · 09/02/2023 10:56

Ffs. Tell him you and the children are NOT changing surnames. Not now. Not ever. Marriage has nothing to do with surnames. Don't compromise! He can obviously change HIS surname if he thinks mucking around with surnames is no big deal. (Bet he won't).

Alexandernevermind · 09/02/2023 10:57

He is playing dominant male with you. I agree and suspect this isn’t just about the name. You aren't a cat that changes her name with each new owner. If you want to take his name then you should take it, but I think its easiest to keep your name as it it, the children's names as they are, and his name as it is.

ChateauMargaux · 09/02/2023 10:57

Patriarchy...

They are your children. They get to have your name.

He has no right to impose his two surnames on you or your children.

Naunet · 09/02/2023 10:58

DonnaBanana · 09/02/2023 10:00

There’s another option not being considered here: you could change your first name to something that doesn’t rhyme with the problematic surname

Yes OP, change BOTH of your names to keep the big man happy and pander to his ego. Maybe even let him pick a new name for you? 🙄

DarkNurseries · 09/02/2023 11:00

Naunet · 09/02/2023 10:58

Yes OP, change BOTH of your names to keep the big man happy and pander to his ego. Maybe even let him pick a new name for you? 🙄

Show quote history

Yes. Something like ‘Fido’ or ‘Fluffy’ to remind you of your status.

Alexandernevermind · 09/02/2023 11:01

@Naunet I thought something along the lines of Offpeter might have a nice ring to it 🤣

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/02/2023 11:02

Why don't you all change to your name and ditch his?

Maray1967 · 09/02/2023 11:07

Exactly this. Sounds to me like he doesn’t actually want to get married. This is ridiculous. Ask him how most women feel giving up their names. My sons don’t have my surname. Double barrelling wasn’t a sensible option as our two surnames found ridiculous paired together. My surname means a lot to me but I didn’t make a huge issue of it when we got married and named our kids.

ANUsernamgh · 09/02/2023 11:07

How old are the children? Really if they're old enough to know their own surnames I wouldn't change them at all.

If they're still very young, you could change the children's to Lawn-your surname. I.e. switch the part of their father's they have and you keep your surname as is.

But if your partner isn't willing to marry you unless you're willing to subsume your whole identity to his, I'd leave him - he doesn't respect you and is that really the kind of relationship you want to model to your children?

Mari9999 · 09/02/2023 11:07

A bit off topic, but what stops 2 adults who both want to be married from getting married?

Pipsquiggle · 09/02/2023 11:11

If he was that bothered on keeping his name, he should have asked you to be married.

I think what's in place already is perfectly reasonable.

I initially didn't like my married surname, however, now that I have DC (born after we were married) I do like it as it's our team name - simpler at school, doctors & airports.

We have an unusually spelt surname - think Cox but spelt Khox. TBH it's a ball ache to spell it out EVERY. SINGLE. TIME - even when I spell it out, I can see people have written it incorrectly. It's very annoying. You will be saving your DC from a life time of this.

DarkNurseries · 09/02/2023 11:12

Mari9999 · 09/02/2023 11:07

A bit off topic, but what stops 2 adults who both want to be married from getting married?

Mysterious, isn’t it? It’s almost as though Dark Forces are against it.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 09/02/2023 11:13

He said "if you want to get married you have to stop being so awkward"? Subtext, he doesn't want to get married so he can be as awkward as he likes?

Who is the higher earner? Whose name is on the mortgage? Is either of you damaging their career in order to take on more of the childcare? If you're disadvantaged in these respects you should probably get married. If he keeps refusing, using the name as an excuse, then you need to consider why, and come up with a plan to protect yourself.

As for names - nothing to stop you changing your name to be the same as the children, whether you get married or not. I wouldn't change theirs unless they hate it.

aSofaNearYou · 09/02/2023 11:14

Snoozingandlosing12 · 09/02/2023 09:51

It would be far simpler if we all had my name or if we all had the second half of his surname. Both of those options I would love.

The AIBU is that he won’t accept that as an option as he says the second half of his surname is meaningless to him and the first half means a lot. And he’s insistent his children would have it if we were to get married. I haven’t suggested it as a middle name, can imagine the response but worth a try..

Why did he (and you) go with the second part of his name, then? You should have double barrelled your name with the first half of his name, instead. It's too late now.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 09/02/2023 11:15

aSofaNearYou · 09/02/2023 11:14

Why did he (and you) go with the second part of his name, then? You should have double barrelled your name with the first half of his name, instead. It's too late now.

Show quote history

Because the first part rhymed with her first name. It's in her first post.

If you'd be fine going through life with a name like Sally O'Malley and sound like a CBeebies character, good for you. The OP doesn't fancy it.

aSofaNearYou · 09/02/2023 11:21

*Because the first part rhymed with her first name. It's in her first post.

If you'd be fine going through life with a name like Sally O'Malley and sound like a CBeebies character, good for you. The OP doesn't fancy it.*

Yes I know, but if her name was between the first name and surname then this wouldn't be an issue.

If this was the only reason they kept his "meaningless" second name rather than the first one then I do think that's quite unfair to him. But a bit late to speak up now unless the kids are still very young.