Surname wars - who is unreasonable?

[Snoozingandlosing12]

Going to try and be completely objective to avoid swaying opinions.

I’ve been with DP for many years. We have two DC. We aren’t married but would both quite like to get married. DP has a double-barrelled surname. The first name of his surname is difficult to pronounce correctly for English people. When it’s incorrectly pronounced it rhymes with my first name. Think ‘Mrs Dawn Lawn’ but not as nice sounding and more humorous.

When we had DC we double-barrelled their surnames (not my preference) with my surname first and then the second part of his surname. I’m not keen on this. I would prefer they just have my surname or just the second part of his surname.

Now here’s the AIBU part. DP says he isn’t happy that we completely dropped the ‘Lawn’ part of his surname and that if we were to get married he would want the children’s names to be changed to have that part. He says he feels strongly tied to the ‘Lawn’ surname and hurt that his children don’t have it. My attitude is very much that I don’t care much about their surname, but I care that they have a surname that I could take if we were to get married (I would reluctantly take the same double-barrelled one they have) and that they don’t have a name that is hard to pronounce or could be teased.

This is a big obstacle to whether we would get married as he feels so strongly about this name. Who’s being unreasonable?

Add it in the kids names as a middle name and keep their surnames as they are. That's what I would do.

Does he REALLY like the name or is it his dad pushing?
Did he get teased with this name?
Did / does it cause him any issues?

if the pros out-weigh the cons, I’d say go with PP and insert as middle name, leaving you and future hubby names as is - it’s the least hassle all round (and the kids can pass the name down too that way). If the name causes nothing but hassle, I’d really be asking ……. why are you inflicting that misery on the kids (although middle names are easily hidden too)

i haven’t RTFT so you’ve perhaps answered this but why are you changing your name at all? I’ve been married 23 years and still use my own name.

My DP‘s Dad had a double barrelled name, and my DP had the first half of that as a middle name and the second half as a surname. All his brothers have the same. When my DD was born, she had my surname as a middle name and her Dad’s surname as a surname. So we retained the emotional attachment and continuity to the past and other parts of the family in our names as a whole, but we kept the surnames simple. DD wishes she was double barrelled though!

I wouldn't marry a man who's such a chauvinistic arse about his name, or about HIS children having HIS name. Giant red flags.

Tell him you'll all be taking your name, and see how he reacts.

Or choose a completely new name for all of you, jointly as a family.

Really though, run for the hills. You'll be doing it eventually anyway.

@Snoozingandlosing12 If you’re getting married because you are in love what does it matter. Do something for him he loves and laugh about it when it comes up- that’s the point no??

Get married, but keep all the names the way they are.

Why should the kids have all of his name and none of yours? You could end up in ridiculous triple barrelled territory!
the children should keep the surnames they have, they are part of who they are now, just like ‘lawn’ is part of him - which he’s still got and can keep, so extend the same to the children with the bonus of not giving them a difficult to pronounce name. It’s too late for him to object at this stage, leave the kids as they are, you take the same as the kids and he can keep the name he’s attached to.

My maiden name was a big part of me and my family and it was a wrench to give it up. You can get married without changing your name.

I don't know about others, but the Portuguese tradition is that both paternal names go to the children, and the maternal name is dropped in the next generation. Yes, the maternal name is first but no, it isn't carried on down the generations.

Getting rid of the term ‘maiden name’ would bring this on leaps and bounds.

I don't really see how you can just change your kids' names - I mean, a) that's not fair and b) you'd have to do it by deed poll and c) I really wonder whether schools/friends would ever manage it. I'm with others - everyone keeps the names they have, that boat has sailed.

I personally think that the most unreasonable aspect of all of this is to ask your children to change their current surnames. Obviously I can’t speak for them, but I think this is the best argument for everyone just taking their current surname rather than deciding a new one.

If you adjust your thinking from the process of ‘becoming married’ to ‘becoming a family with the same name’ then it makes sense to put your children first. It also is a compromise for you and your partner- you don’t love that surname; he doesn’t love that surname. But you both love your kids, and want to be together. So perhaps use it as a middle ground? I can’t see any other way that everyone will be equally happy.

They should have your surname. If you get married further down the line their names can always be changed by deed poll if both parents for a child under agree to it.

My husband and I moved to UK from North America. We each kept our own surnames. Never any problems with mispronounciation in NA. In the UK his name was constantly misspelled and mispronounced (on the phone-‘how would you ever spell that!’). My name much simpler and his more ‘ethnic’- each time his is mangled it smacks of English xenophobia. He was adamant that our daughter should not be burdened by his name so she has mine, and his is one of her middle names. He considered at one point to take my surname. OP’s partner sounds like he is happy to reproduce the patriarchy

When my Ex and I got engaged, the surname became a HUGE issue. Think actual arguments because I wouldn't change my name to his, it was all about HIM and HIS feelings and apparently if I loved him enough, I shouldn't care. The irony is I didn't even give much of a shit and if he hadn't reacted so strongly when I first mentioned I may not change my name, I probably would have considered it anyway. It just made me feel so controlled, it instantly got my back up.

It was a big red flag for things to come I wish I hadn't ignored. We are no longer together and I wish I had seen what a selfish arsehole he was sooner.

I think it's lucky you're not married yet. Keep your freedom and your name. It's much easier if you aren't married.

I changed my horrible surname when I was 20yrs old . Everyone at school including some teachers took the piss out of my birth surname. Changed it to a common surname 🙂 Feel definitely more attached to my chosen surname. I had my DD when unmarried. She has my surname and her dad's surname so double barrelled. We got married. My surname is now the same as DD's.

It would make no difference. It’s only a word.

Step DS’s we’re given double barrelled surnames to incorporate both parents surnames, which I think is a bit wanky and old fashioned to be honest.

Thankfully, they’ve now dropped DH’s name and both go with just their late mum’s surname and have given their own children either that or their partners surname, so they’re shorter and simple.

Both boys have said that having a double barrelled surname was a PITA growing up especially as both surnames were quite long so imagine being called something like Johnathan Theobald Higginbottom-Dramalama 😳

Luckily, DH isn’t remotely upset that they’ve dropped his name although our DS does have his name, because I hated my own surname as it’s a rude word in another language and was very happy to take his on marriage. 😂

Frankly I would say
"If you love me and want to be married, you would not be creating a barrier over a name. You agreed on the family name when we named the children. There is no "do over" on that. Do you want to get married? "

I'm sure others have said this but really! You do not have to change your name when you get married! I refused to give up my own surname which I had chosen for myself after my Dad left, to take my ex husbands boring effing surname,one of the commonest in the country. The kids have both our names double barrelled. However, we have since discovered that his name wasn't even authentic, it should have been a much more interesting surname, quite similar to my chosen name...and now our son is using that!!!
Why not all choose a new name together, or as other have suggested, leave well alone.
A new name is NOT compulsory upon marriage, and yes if we stopped talking about womens 'maiden' 🙄names that would help!

With no male equivalent. It’s sexist.

It’s still only a word.

So in summary your "D"H is blackmailing you re: his willingness to marry you on the basis that you and your children are burdened with a name that nobody knows how to pronounce (that he didn't value when the children were born) just so he can assert his and his fathers "stamp" on the family.

Tell him to put his cock back in his trousers - the willy waving is offensive and unwarranted.

He needs to back off from making this a condition of marriage for a start, because quite frankly anyone who thinks they have a right to manipulate the person they purport to love in this way doesn't deserve to have a partner never mind a wife.

You get married.
You continue to use your current surname.
DP continues to use his current (double barrelled) surname.
If his surname is so important to him, then he should appreciate how important your surname is to you.
Kids continue to use (if happy to do so) their mutually agreed surname.
Simples!