Page 4 | Surname wars - who is unreasonable?

19lottie82 · 09/02/2023 11:21

There’s another option not being considered here: you could change
your first name to something that doesn’t rhyme with the problematic surname

wowzers……. Am I the only person who took this as a joke? Calm down people.

Fink · 09/02/2023 11:25

He is being utterly ridiculous and controlling by withholding the possibility of marriage until you agree to the kids having his preferred name. Seriously, you don't want to be married to someone like that, you're much better off without him.

You have a good reason to not want to take the first part of his name. And there is always a good reason to want to share a surname with your own children. And there are plenty of reasons to not change children's surnames unless really necessary. On the other hand, he feels shortchanged because it's the 'lesser' of his two names and he doesn't feel a connection to it. So he thinks that his feelings, based on no solid facts at all, should trump all the actual good reasons for not changing. Yeah, you don't need that.

Please, for goodness sake, if you do choose to get married to him, make sure he knows how to compromise in a relationship and that he doesn't carry on thinking everything should go his way. Otherwise, walk away now while you have the chance.

FWIW, I had similar with my ex-h who absolutely insisted on naming his firstborn son an inherited family name which I hated (and had good reason to oppose). He was adamant that it was necessary that every firstborn son in his family be called this name, even though I pointed out that it had skipped a generation with him as it's not anywhere in his name. He just wouldn't listen to sense. Thankfully he had an affair and went off with the OW without us having a son together. I dodged a bullet there.

dreamingbohemian · 09/02/2023 11:30

He thinks that if I want to get married I have to stop being so awkward about his surname.

That is such an amazingly asshole thing to say. Wow. Why do you even want to marry someone who thinks this way?

Quartz2208 · 09/02/2023 11:31

Does he want to get married as this strikes me as a power player fine I will marry you but only if my children get what 3 surnames or one you don’t wabt

GCWorkNightmare · 09/02/2023 11:35

DarkNurseries · 09/02/2023 10:56

To put it mildly. The only conversation in our house was which order to put both our surnames in for DS. If DH had had a double surname, he would have had to choose which part to use. We’re married. It never occurred to either of us that I would trade in my name for his because I have a vagina. Ridiculous.

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Same. I suggested to DH that we both change our names to something new but he wasn’t keen. So we stayed as is.

DD has my surname with his as a middle name. Whilst I was never bothered about sharing a name with her I grew her and suffered the birth injuries and PTSD and I bloody deserved it.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/02/2023 11:41

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 09/02/2023 10:15

Do men EVER stop to think that maybe other people don't want to lose their surname and may be attached to that themselves?

This. With bells on.

He does not get to dictate your name or indeed the children if they are older.

Keep your own name. Let the kids choose.

Heronwatcher · 09/02/2023 11:42

I think he’s being a dick. The name might mean a lot to him but it doesn’t to you, or your kids necessarily. I’d suggest you all just keep the names you’ve got- marriage doesn’t have to mean changing names at all. And yes as others have said if your kids want to change their name to the piss take name when they’re older then they can.
Incidentally though I think I might be dropping ideas of marriage at all, this might be wrong but it sounds like you’ve wanted to get married for a long time but he’s not keen. Given the nonsense he’s spouting now about not having a choice in the original DC surnames do you really want to lay yourself open to claims that you strong armed him into the marriage? He should want it as much as you if it’s going to work.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/02/2023 11:43

dreamingbohemian · 09/02/2023 11:30

He thinks that if I want to get married I have to stop being so awkward about his surname.

That is such an amazingly asshole thing to say. Wow. Why do you even want to marry someone who thinks this way?

Seconded.

Why on earth would you marry such a dick?

ShireWifeofNigelFarage · 09/02/2023 11:47

Add the extra word without a hyphen so you can use it or not use it as you please (eg Hilary Rodham Clinton)?

emptythelitterbox · 09/02/2023 11:47

If he wanted "traditional" he should have done the traditional thing and got married first before having children.

I hope he isn't holding this over your head as do this and we'll get married.

I wouldn't want to saddle myself or my DC with a name they'd be teased with.

You didn't say how old they are.

Tell him that ship sailed years ago. I'd keep the names you have and forget about the marriage.

Pipinn · 09/02/2023 11:51

Agree with @ArnoldBee this is going to create a lifetime of extra admin for your children!

It’s too late. The children are named now, and neither you are they are chattels to be branded.

The marriage and surnames issues are totally separate. Marriage doesn’t automatically mean any surname change at all.

He needs to make his peace with it.

Throckmorton · 09/02/2023 11:52

If he's like this about a name, no way would I be tying myself to him with marriage...

Genevieva · 09/02/2023 11:59

Marriage between you doesn't open an opportunity to change the children's names easily. You would have to do that separately by deed poll. Marriage also doesn't require you or your husband to change your names. You probably know all that, but I think it is relevant because you need to separate the issues out.

Get married because you want to be married.

Change your surname if you want to. Ditto your husband.
Change your children's names if you can agree to that or, better still, let them decide when they are grown ups.

Generally speaking I think that it is unfair on the children to play war games over their names. You gave them already. They are now theirs. Better not to mess about with them.

My recommendation is that you both retain your surnames. But if you really want the same name as them and he really wants to retain his name as it is, then you change and he doesn't. So let's imagine that your partner is Lawn-Smith and you are Weston. Your children are Weston-Smith. You can become Mrs Weston instead of Miss Weston. Or you can become Mrs Weston-Smith. Your husband continues to be Mr Lawn-Smith.

Genevieva · 09/02/2023 12:02

Also, presumably his surname became double-barrelled by combining two parents' names at some point. It is an unsustainable pattern to keep adding names. You might equally turn around and say you really like your Mum's maiden name and you want that in their names too. In short: leave the kids' names alone.

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 12:03

He is stalling. Doesn’t want to get married. Stop even thinking about chopping and changing names fgs. Leave the children’s names as they are. If you get married just keep your own names. Am telling you now though, this isn’t a man who wants to get married to you.

Travis1 · 09/02/2023 12:03

He is being unreasonable. I bet this isn’t all he’s unreasonable about. It’s so misogynistic. I wouldn’t marry him at all

BIWI · 09/02/2023 12:14

He thinks that if I want to get married I have to stop being so awkward about his surname

And there you have it @Snoozingandlosing12 . He doesn't want to get married. Or, he doesn't want to marry you.

Whatonearth07957 · 09/02/2023 12:17

He's holding out the 'prize' of marrying him with something you feel deeply uncomfortable accepting in order to feel justified and in the right in refusing to marry you.

He knew you wanted to marry before children and refused. This is gaslighting to make you confused and doubt yourself.

Take marriage off the table for your own mental well being. He doesn't want to marry. Take away it's power. Look after yourself and your children. Enjoy cohabiting as a family and keep some financial independence.

Xol · 09/02/2023 12:17

Is he effectively saying he's only considering getting married because you want it, therefore if you don't agree to all his terms it's off? I take, it for instance, that if you said to him "If you want to get married you have to stop being so awkward about the children's surname" it would be no sort of threat to him?

If so, you clearly have to think very carefully about whether to get married at all, as his heart is obviously not in it.

RemoteControlDoobry · 09/02/2023 12:23

I’m not sure what getting married has to do with their names. Why isn’t he insisting that their names are changed regardless?

I’m not saying they should be changed (I don’t think they should). If he’s saying he will only marry you if the names are changed then that’s odd.

2022again · 09/02/2023 12:32

Snoozingandlosing12 · 09/02/2023 09:38

Going to try and be completely objective to avoid swaying opinions.

I’ve been with DP for many years. We have two DC. We aren’t married but would both quite like to get married. DP has a double-barrelled surname. The first name of his surname is difficult to pronounce correctly for English people. When it’s incorrectly pronounced it rhymes with my first name. Think ‘Mrs Dawn Lawn’ but not as nice sounding and more humorous.

When we had DC we double-barrelled their surnames (not my preference) with my surname first and then the second part of his surname. I’m not keen on this. I would prefer they just have my surname or just the second part of his surname.

Now here’s the AIBU part. DP says he isn’t happy that we completely dropped the ‘Lawn’ part of his surname and that if we were to get married he would want the children’s names to be changed to have that part. He says he feels strongly tied to the ‘Lawn’ surname and hurt that his children don’t have it. My attitude is very much that I don’t care much about their surname, but I care that they have a surname that I could take if we were to get married (I would reluctantly take the same double-barrelled one they have) and that they don’t have a name that is hard to pronounce or could be teased.

This is a big obstacle to whether we would get married as he feels so strongly about this name. Who’s being unreasonable?

In my mind your kids have the perfect name combo already.I kept my unusual surname after marriage ,my kids have my husbands but I wish now I’d double barrelled part of my surname plus his….or given my surname as a middle name.my kids also say they’d prefer the double barrelled version. I think double barrelling in some form or another is the most equitable and non-paternalistic option so think your husband is being a bit demanding to want both…..do you have boys rather than girls as I think this can bring paternalism out in men!

samqueens · 09/02/2023 12:32

He resents having had “no say” in their surnames when they were born 🤔
(Clearly he was considered as part of his name forms part of theirs.)

If he wanted a different outcome he should have discussed this more fully and married you before you gave birth.

The fact that he has resentment festering over this - and has no problem using marriage as a bargaining tool, is pretty poor.

Tbh his attitude sounds entitled and controlling. Isn’t marriage an equal partnership? If he doesn’t think so I, frankly, wouldn’t leave it on the table as an option - just make sure you put financial protection for you and the kids in place in other ways. He is totally unreasonable.

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 12:35

Take his name if your getting married simples that's how it goes. 😏

Sapphire387 · 09/02/2023 12:36

So he's refusing to marry you unless you change your name and you both change the children's names? Guess he's not actually that keen on getting married then. I hate to sound so harsh, but what the hell is he doing trying to dangle marriage in front of you but only if you follow his silly rules? It's awful really.

plumduck · 09/02/2023 12:37

Snoozingandlosing12 · 09/02/2023 10:05

Ok I’m talking to him as doing this and reading him the responses.

He says it’s because when the children were born he had no say in their surname. I dispute that because if it was up to me they would be called just my surname or just his latter half of the surname. He said he valued the double-barrelled tradition he has so we did that. I also feel a bit defensive because when they were born we weren’t married and he knew for a while that I would have liked to be.

I’ve had three surnames in my life and I don’t feel any particular attachment to one. I guess what I mean is that I am hugely bothered about potentially having a surname that rhymes with my first name or, by refusing to do that, having a different surname to my children. He thinks that if I want to get married I have to stop being so awkward about his surname.

He's a controlling arse.

Ask the kids what they want it's their fucking name.