Why keep reproducing with lazy DHs?

[Fifi00]

I've seen this a few times , wife complains DH is lazy and does nothing with the first DC then proceeds to get pregnant again and sometimes again. Adding more stress and pressure , why would someone have more DC with a lazy father? He isn't going to suddenly get a personality transplant.

Not understanding your point here? Are you saying paternity pay is the same as maternity pay in Scandinavia? Or aee you saying its too low in the UK? The uptake of paternity leave on Scandinavian countries is far higher than in the UK so I don't think it can be argued for there.

My point is more that we start out teaching everyone that child work is woman's work and that has to change before we will see a change in parenting. Not saying it will be easy to do. However I have not once had a conversation on Denmark where I was told the guy doesn't pull his weight. I have had many in the UK.

Because some women don’t want to focus their life around material things or holidays/travelling?

Why is it always assumed that women who aren't maternal only want material things and holidays?

Some women just don't want the chaos and responsibility a child brings. They may not want fast cars and expensive holidays either.

Not wanting lots of children does not equal being shallow and materialistic.

Some women use their heads and not their hearts when planning a family. Is that so wrong?

Well said 👏 👏👏

Totally unhelpful, and you can guarantee one of these posts pops up on every thread where a harassed, worn out mum is at the end of her tether because her idle, useless partner will not step up to the plate. 'But why did you have children with him?' will invariably be trotted out on the first page. Bit late for that, and hardly a constructive or supportive addition.

We live in a misogynistic society in which women are frequently expected to be unpaid nursemaids to grown, independent, adult men. 'Looking after your husband' is a trite, well-worn cliche that elicits a hard eye-roll from me every time I hear it. Why would able-bodied husbands need 'looking after?' They are not children.

There was a thread recently in which an AWOL father had totally given up bothering with his child. The mother was in a quandary as to whether she should explain this to the child, but was smugly told several variations on theme of 'tell your children Mummy was a terrible chooser'. Rule 1 of misogyny: 'Women are responsible for what men do'.

OP - as far as I'm concerned you can take your internalized misogyny and ram it.

You're welcome.

Of course not but you’re the one arguing wanting children is the ‘wrong’ decision, (a pointless contribution unrelated to the thread anyway) so I’m giving you the flip side of that 🤷🏼‍♀️

Internalised misogyny to take control over my reproductive choices , become financially independent and ensure I'm free? I actually think I'm a good feminist.

Maybe I am selfish I definitely want holidays . I am maternal though I definitely love being a mother to DD but I don't think I could extend that patience to 2+ DC with a lazy DH

Of course the sensible thing to do is to stop at 1 if you are unhappy with your partners input to family life.
But a lot don't ,as we know, a lot just carry on having more kids and complaining, but still shocked that their Partner is not stepping up.
We know a woman who has 3 kids with her partner (he doesn't want to marry or he says they are too skint) she constantly moans that he is useless and how stressed and overworked at home she is, then asked me what breed of dog I thought she should get 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I wouldn't have married or had DC number 1 with a man who didn't respect me and left most the housework to me before we even had kids. But a lot of situations are different, some don't know any better, some blindly hope the partner will change everyone is different and while I can't imagine living like that, I do appreciate everyone is different.

Honestly I used to think like this. and "Why do you stay with abusive men"
but honestly, my DH talked the talk before we had a baby. Then he became abusive and lazy and I felt so trapped. It was incredibly difficult to leave him and took multiple attempts. And I could only do so because I knew an estate agent, as I'd never have been able to get a rental as a single mum on benefits. And because I had a good credit score and could take out a loan to fund it.

It's really hard to leave these relationships and it really affects people's self esteem and thought processes. I imagine people keep having children because their child is the only source of love and happiness in their life and they want more children. I imagine the idea of leaving their partner and then being loved by another man who treats them right and pulls their weight is as likely as receiving a letter from hogwarts.

My first husband didn't do anything either round the house or with the baby. In fact he disappeared abroad to work during DS first year to escape the drudge work missing these precious first months and all his milstones.
And was then offended when DS didn't want to go to him or smile at him when he finally came home.
Needless to say I didn't have any more children with him.

Thank you. I think having kids for the sake of it, because it's the life script you think you have to follow, is much more shallow. We have heads for a reason.

What is ‘having kids for the sake of it’? There’s no ‘good reason’ to have a baby, whether that’s 1 or 5. Either you want one or you don’t. Equally, what’s a ‘good excuse’ to create a monstrous carbon footprint by travelling for 2 months a year? Why not just stay locally? Some of the shit people come out with on here is hilarious.

I don't know what you're like as a person. But this view is decidedly anything but 'feminist'. You are blaming women for the shortcomings of men.

It's very easy to be smug from the position of you or I, who are fortunate enough to have husbands who do pull their weight equally as parents and who do their fair share of the household tasks. The difference between us is that I don't look down on other women who have been less fortunate than I am.

Perhaps you're not aware of patterns of domestic abuse and manipulation, but there's something known as 'boiling frog syndrome' as an analogy for the escalation of abuse. Chuck a frog in a pan of boiling water and it will instantly leap out, scalded. Put them in from cold, incrementally turn up the heat, and they become acclimatized to the point that the boiling water will eventually kill them.

It's the same with abuse. Most men don't start out as monsters. We'd hardly be attracted to them if they did. They start out charming and compelling, then gradually start out cycling between the love bombing, negging and abusive behaviour (including expecting women to be unpaid maids). This escalates with time. The pattern is always the same - once seen never unseen - but can be extremely difficult to break, particularly if the woman doesn't recognize it until it's well-established.

It's also a documented fact that pregnancy - a time which tends to seal a woman's dependence on the relationship - is when first instances of abuse occur, or when previously existing patterns are ramped up.

Knowing the scale, complexity, and many serious issues with the abuse of women in and outside the home, hearing women (as ever) held responsible for this behaviour is sickening and depressing. It would be far less beneficial to educate both sexes as to these issues, and for parents to educate their sons to be more considerate partners and for their daughters to raise their bar far higher as to what they are and are not willing to expect from men.

But no. Far easier simply to blame women for making poor choices. Not quite sure what you'd call this mode of thinking (I call it internalized misogyny) but 'feminism', it certainly ain't.

Far 'more- beneficial, the above should read.

I think you haven't read my posts , I had a lazy DH I chose not to have further children with him as I knew the responsibility would solely be mine.

I think what the poster is trying to say, or at least what I take from it, is that some people do have kids because they think it’s the next step in being an adult. In the way that some people automatically go to university when they finish school, without much thought. I know plenty of people who have done this, probably as many as I know who were absolutely dying to have a family.

😂Funny.

In some cases they are pg with number 2 before uselessness is apparent.
So baby 1 - mum bf so might as well do all night feeds. On maternity leave so just gets chores done as she’s around. He does a bit with baby.
Get pregnant with no 2.
Then mum back at work, nursery drop offs, sick baby, she’s pg and not feeling great - he’s only doing same as he did when she was on maternity. Suddenly very clear how useless he is.

Because we live in a sexist society that teaches girls and women that serving and pleasing men is what they are for.

That having a husband and kids that you give yourself up to is the end goal

Women buy into and enforce this as much as men do

Happy to give up work and become dependent so they can be mummy martyrs.

I don't think it will ever change tbh

How sad that all you took from my post was the practicalities of caring for elderly parents rather than the emotional side of things and the impact that has had emotionally, many years down the line, as an only line.

Perhaps you're not aware of patterns of domestic abuse and manipulation
The OP says in her post that she understands in case of abuse why the women have more. So yes I think she is.

Sadly I agree with you. If women make the choice positively they want to stay at home and rear their families, that’s wonderful and valuable. But many people do it because they think it’s what they are supposed to do to have a place in society or run themselves ragged doing all the housework, all the child rearing and working full time. It’s so entrenched in society and I have to say there are still a lot of mummy martyrs. Honestly I naively thought that would have died out after my mother’s generation.

What I'm saying is a sibling is not a guarantee you would feel less alone. My siblings have gone mostly NC with my DM , I do not see one of them often at all or even chat on the phone. The people who offer me the most support are friends I've had throughout my life. Siblings have their own personalities there's no guarantees you will be best friends or they would want to reminisce about childhood.

I really want another dc. I only have one dc and am 37. The risk of not having another is massive and my hormonal drive to have dc is really going off . I wish it wasn't so looked down upon tbh to want more dc with a less than amazing dh.

I don't think it's wrong that women want dc what's wrong is society blaming women wholly for not raising and financially supporting their dc when the men get to swan off out the situation on so many occasions.
Why child maintenance can't be automatically deducted from a paye salary I'll never know. And how so many men game the system to avoid payment then magically get back on the working ladder when their dc turn 18 is beyond me. Society need to sort out that women should be able to have dc alone if it's better for the dc but it would rather force shit couples to stay together by putting judgemental thoughts their way or blame the mother for staying with someone less desirable or useless.

We have a brain and can decide not to have more DC. Your hormones are telling you to have them , but we have developed logic and reasoning. Yes some men are shit but deciding to further reproduce knowing they are shit is going to affect you and your existing DCs life.