Why keep reproducing with lazy DHs?

[Fifi00]

I've seen this a few times , wife complains DH is lazy and does nothing with the first DC then proceeds to get pregnant again and sometimes again. Adding more stress and pressure , why would someone have more DC with a lazy father? He isn't going to suddenly get a personality transplant.

I am sorry , @Fifi00 but surely you’re massively projecting here?

You said no to another DC. thats fine!

But then projecting onto other people’s lives, telling them they shouldn’t have more DC with someone lazy or feckless… it makes me feel like you want to hold back everyone else because your circumstances held you back somehow.

As in, if your other half was more proactive, you might have considered more DC

In my view , YABU.

Tbf I know a perfectly intelligent woman who was fully aware of her husbands flaws who went on to have another child because she wanted her first to have a sibling. She did it consciously, a gift for her first child, she felt it was important they have a brother or sister. Her husband would have been happy with no more kids. It’s not always because of poor circumstances or judgement etc. She doesn’t really complain about it because she knew what to expect, she was prioritising what she sees as her child’s long term happiness.

Yep! Not putting up with any shit would be a good place to start.

People are invariably the source of their own problems.

Also, I think there is a slanted perspective on here. People moan that DH is lazy or whatever, but we don't really get a description of what DW might be like - as she is writing the complaint. Not everyone is capable of marrying the few lovely unicorn men who may be out there!

YANBU OP. I had a friend like this. It was bizarre listening to her complain incessantly then deliberately get pregnant with a spouse she could barely stand. Unsurprisingly the marriage didn’t last long.

Good for you, OP.

I fully understand women in abusive relationships who cannot get out and it's complicated. But I do think there are women who bury their heads in the sand and settle for a useless bloke, who is a crap parent, and continue to have babies as a distraction from life. And when the babies started growing up or the bloke pisses off the shit hits the fan big time. I feel like life is hard enough without knowing you run the risk of an even harder time early on.

@SavoirFlair

it means saying ‘my DH isn’t pulling his weight. I’m not having more children with him and will instead concentrate on making the family I have work’ rather than deciding to have more children with a man who has SHOWN he’s not a support.

No need to worry, that’s not what people are saying at all

I think I am a person entitled to an opinion

Did your parents never explain to you that people are all different?

I think your decision was the wrong one. Everyone sees things differently. You chose what is right for you, not for everyone.

I don't regret not having anymore DC if that's what you are insinuating. I have developed a really good career which would have been much harder with more DC and not a lot of help. My DH is more helpful now she's a preteen ,I have great relationship with my DD and I'm at peace. I actually feel sorry for some of the women around me who have had more DC with unhelpful men.

I don't know, but I've read a lot of threads on MN and questioned it. Personally I've learnt my lesson and will only be having 1 child due to a lazy and selfish partner. I have to weigh things up and if it means DD being an only child, that's life.

I'm generalising, but people who have more than 1 in such scenarios must be made of stronger stuff (no lingering MH issues or PND) and/or have a good support network otherwise.

I agree , I think there's still a lot of stigma against only children so 2 is seen as the default. I knew I personally wouldn't be happy unless it was 50/50 parenting with 2 and more and I still wanted a career without taking a hit. I knew it would make it much harder for me to work. I guess some women are stronger really and feel able to put up with it even if they do complain.

And of course, bringing up the next generation of girls to be expected to act as housekeeper and the boys to be waited on hand and foot.

No thanks.

Did you desperately want another child though OP? If you didn't, then surely your experience is not really relevant?

Can you not see how ignoring your wants and desires because your husband's been a bit crap could lead to resentment, unhappiness, the relationship breaking down anyway etc.

Well, that’s you and your priorities. Other women will prioritise their children having siblings or having the family of 2/3 kids that they always wanted, figuring the dad of number 1 will always be in her life anyway so may as well stick with the devil you know for the others. DH isn’t lazy, but if he was I probably would’ve done the same 🤷🏼‍♀️

it means saying ‘my DH isn’t pulling his weight. I’m not having more children with him and will instead concentrate on making the family I have work’ rather than deciding to have more children with a man who has SHOWN he’s not a support

Why is it a woman's responsibility to ignore her desire for another child in order to make her family work rather than the man's to step up and be a better parent/husband?

Because they prioritise their own desire to have more children over everything else, my best friend is doing this right now, her husband is worse than useless, emotionally abusive, an alcoholic, she knows he’s a crap dad and husband, but she wants a second child and puts that above everything else.

Because he didn't allow me to get contraception.

Because he wouldn't use a condom.

Because I had no access to money.

Because abortion was illegal (yes, in the UK)

Because he beat me if I said no.

Hth.

@Fifi00 I do agree, you sound similar to me. I don't want to completely give up my career, or my hobbies, due to having children. My partner would never consider shared leave or shared housework or getting less sleep or anything and I learnt this first time round! It's easy for people to say kids need a sibling or 2 children is the norm when they have never experienced a lazy partner. It's so draining.
You do you. I know how hard it is to talk about these things IRL so I'm glad these threads exist.

I think there are some women that need to play the 'victim', I also think it is connected to the MIL territory thing

I don't think some women could be happy with a partner that is not like that, and I think part of them needs the MIL hate thing.

I do think it's connected, schools teach enough I am not saying they should teach this but I do think classes (again not ar school) on how to be treated may actually help some women

Some will never want the help, I think some just need to feel a martyr

Ps. I don't play the victim nor am I a martyr.

I left him and have a good life now.

But. That's why the kids happened.

I was young. He was older. And he got me pregnant when I was 15 and was 16 when I had the baby.

Why purposefully give your DC a crap dad?

I didn't do it on purpose. I was 15 when he started dating me

I didn't know how to choose a good person. My family of origin wasn't great.

There's already a thread going about this.