Why keep reproducing with lazy DHs?

[Fifi00]

I've seen this a few times , wife complains DH is lazy and does nothing with the first DC then proceeds to get pregnant again and sometimes again. Adding more stress and pressure , why would someone have more DC with a lazy father? He isn't going to suddenly get a personality transplant.

Having more and more DC limits your opportunities though to have a career and the earning potential so if you are unhappy, you cannot leave as no childcare options.

A man who is lazy and unsupportive is being emotionally abusive, though. Not all abuse is physical. The women in your OP are victims of the man’s behaviour and shouldn’t be questioned about why they chose to have children with these men. Sometimes they feel trapped in a fucking miserable situation and having another baby gives them something they think is nice to focus on. And after baby number 1 they probably think well I’m stuck with him now so this is it. Even in all dysfunction (caused by him of course), another baby is still very much wanted and loved by the mum.

I doubt they need you poking your nose in questioning why they had 3 or 4 kids with their abusive partner. Not helpful in the slightest. And really rude too seeing as these women love and want their children just as much as you do yours.

NC but my DH was lazy as fuck when we had our first. Didn't lift a finger while I was recovering from a botched c section. I was too young and stupid to know any better, my mom used to run around for my dad so it was normal to me. I got pregnant again (young and stupid) and it's like he turned into a new man. 6 years on and he's still a domestic god. So.. anecdotally, having another child with them isn't always the worst thing to happen. YMMV.

Probably wouldn't push it with a third, though.

But when having young children not everyone is driven by having a career. If you choose to have more than one child then you are surely fully aware of this? Happy to put mine on the back burner whilst I focus on my children and spend time with them. I don’t want to be run ragged mentally by a job that entails more responsibility. Women have been told they can have it all, family and a great career. There will always be women who want to have it all but unfortunately it quite often comes at a price of affecting mental health, I see it happen all the time at work. I don’t honestly think in 10 years I will be looking back thinking I wish I’d spent more time at work progressing my career than with my children.

some people have no choices.

You are right OP

After my daughter was born, I managed to see my XH true colours and even though I wanted a 2nd child I held back and I am glad I did so and focused my time and energy on divorce instead

It's also. Socially constructed. The appalingly low rate of paternity pay in the UK means dad's are programmed into thinking that the baby part and child part is 'not their job" if you look at Scandinavian countries where paternity pay and leave is much higher and near that of mum you see A different much more involved father.

Now I'm not suggesting this is the only reason much more pays in. But the way we are set up we are still teaching everyone that baby and child work is woman's work.

When I go to Denmark and visit cousins and cousins children (I am one of 18 cousins there is 20 years between oldest and youngest) the manner the fathers are Involved its soo different to the UK and a huge part of this is that it is assumed dad will parent and will be an active parent. Here it's assumed he will "help".. not parent.

So we start off wrong.

I agree. But then this is MN - you live your life making good decisions for the future, even if it makes you miserable now, with the aim being that you eventually have a choice of nursing home and a few assets when you die. But depressing really.

(Thanks for this maybe I'm selfish, I just knew I couldn't be the best mother if I had one more than DC and it wasn't 50/50*

Nothing selfish about that at all.
You made a choice that works for you and your lifestyle.

@Fifi00 It is definitely not selfish at all to have only one child. I started a thread on this myself not long ago! And I'll always agree with it!
I think it's nice to have things in life other than being a mum and wife. Job, hobbies, friends. Just my opinion. And it is generally easier keeping that with 1 child.

It's good that your DD has a cousin to play with. How old is your DD?
Mine is 5, she also has a cousin who is an only at 3. They get on well. Her mum and me are quite different people (she always wanted to be a SAHM) but we get on and it's fun seeing them.

I wanted to say that, for my part, I can get defensive about this kind of topic as deep down part of me would like another baby, but I'm 38 later this month, I'm not naturally maternal and my partner is very lazy/selfish-of course! I know it's something I will wonder 'what if' to but I want to give my daughter the best of me, and I'm just not prepared to look after a 5/6/7 year old child and a newborn baby (being hypothetical) while my partner jets off around Europe going to gigs for days at at time or on lads trips away (yes, this happens) or gets drunk on a Saturday and stays in bed all day Sunday.
If DD questions it when she's older I'll tell her. If people question it I'll tell them!

Everyone makes decisions in life, these are the cards we are dealt.

Sorry to read about the abusive on this thread

I think it's more about financial security i'm not reliant on anybody for money just me it feels empowering. The sad fact is men can leave , divorce and many women can be left up shit creek. I don't feel stressed at work but I only have 1 DC to think about if I had more that would likely be different.

I honestly find myself asking the same question. A member of the same baby group is having her second child with her dh whilst admitting that all the family admin falls to her and that's because maybe as a woman we choose to take it all on. I couldn't well respond, 'nope that's just you being an idiot ' as it's rude and unsupportive especially since she's already pregnant with the second.

Some people on this site will say how dare you criticise a woman for making ridiculous choices and it's all due to patriarchy and whatever else. You've said in your op that if they were shit with one child why have another and I agree. At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and decisions you make. That's very different to him being involved when they were babies and then becoming an abscent parent.

I have 3 and dh is an equal partner in all things, if he wasn't there simply wouldn't be 3 but I'm secure in myself and have a job where I could increase my hours of I needed to. I also know my family would help support me in whatever way they could and a healthy relationship was modeled by my parents.

There aren't enough good men to go around. Most of us will end up putting up with some rubbish, at some point.

Your post suggests you don't understand the subtleties and complexities of relationships, women's lives and people, in general.

My DD is 9 and her cousin is 10 they are both onlies,I feel like it's the best of both worlds as they get the nice bits of the sibling experience but not the bad bits. They go on sleepovers , activities and holidays but DD also likes having her own space. DD doesn't want a sibling anymore she asked when she was 4/5 but then said she didn't want one 🤣🤣.
Yes if my DH suddenly got a job working away again and I had a preteen and a baby I'd be screwed childcare wise. I feel I haven't got enough mental energy to take on 100 percent of the load of multiple kids. I think it would make me a worse mother.

Well yes my DH was rubbish and unhelpful when DD was a baby. I've been through it myself, my question was why do some keep having kids then complain. I knew my DH wasn't going to suddenly change into the baby whisperer.

This

It's also. Socially constructed. The appalingly low rate of paternity pay in the UK means dad's are programmed into thinking that the baby part and child part is 'not their job" if you look at Scandinavian countries where paternity pay and leave is much higher and near that of mum you see A different much more involved father.

It’s also societal - my (very large) workplace has had equal paternity leave for over 3 years and take up has been lower than 2%, despite a considerable increase in pregnancies in that time (lockdown babies). None of the women in my department have been prepared to give up any of their maternity leave (they’re very vocal about it). I’d love us to be more scandi but I don’t know how you combat that sort of thinking without some sort of “use it or lose it” policy.

It’s not all black and white, a man can be a great husband and dad, as in supportive, loving, fun, but unhelpful!! I always remember a friend telling me she couldn’t live with my dh who used to be late, would leave clothes on the ground after him and cups of tea around the place, but he’s the most supportive person I’ve ever met, hilariously funny, a great cook and does thoughtful things pretty much every day eg only a little milk left he’ll make my tea with it, has the house pristine if I tell him I’ve had a tough day in work and he’s home early from work etc. To the outside world I have the lion’s share of the work though but that’s as much because in mn’s terms I martyr myself-simply because I want to, I suppose- I love the time I spend with the kids and he works longer hours

Plus people have different standards- another friend told me about how much she has to nag at the weekend, then went on to detail why her dh hasn’t a clue and at the end of her rant I was thinking ‘he does as much as I’d do on a good day!’

My DH didn't used to change nappies actually he put on the first one when she was born and the second when I popped out and she did a shitnami. He didn't get up with her during the night , he's much better now as she's gotten older but it's not physically hard work anymore. She showers herself, changes her clothes , brushes her teeth , can prepare a drink , sandwich. So he's enjoying the parenting now but no I wouldn't go back to that. I still do most of the mental load school stuff , booking doctors appointments , dentist , food shopping.

My DH is a kind man though he's funny , makes me laugh he's just shit with young children and forgetful. That's why I will not be having anymore DC.

That's a huge issue but again that means we are buying into it being the woman's job.

I used to work weekends and the amount of "oh is dh babysitting?" " No he is parenting his children I'm not paying him" "Ohhh bet you come home to a bombsite' "No he is capable of looking after his children as well as I am he is a grown up adult."

I will admit that my children were in their teens before I realised how Scandinavian parenting style we had adapted. Dh was away a fair bit with his work. When he was home he did 50% of al the work. Result is children in Late teens early 20s who feel close to their father and mother

I don't know why they have the first TBH, or why they run around doing all the housework when they are child free and first living together. The sexist nesting bullshit I guess.
I've seen a lot of young woman do that. In the initial time of living together they want to show their partner how much better his life is with her to take care of him. Then they expect him to change on parenthood .

It's because most people have been brainwashed to think they have to be married and have kids, and so generally we settle pretty quickly. That's the sad truth, I'm living it now and I wonder how the f I ended up like this! (Although I have stopped at one)

I had a second child, only for my first child to have a sibling. I knew it was going to be really difficult, but I did it for her.

@feddupppp children don’t need a sibling. What about having a decent father, isn’t that important?