Why keep reproducing with lazy DHs?

[Fifi00]

I've seen this a few times , wife complains DH is lazy and does nothing with the first DC then proceeds to get pregnant again and sometimes again. Adding more stress and pressure , why would someone have more DC with a lazy father? He isn't going to suddenly get a personality transplant.

I was pregnant and had to get married. It was what was expected. I was beaten by my father the night before my wedding when I threatened to call it off. He was careful not to hit me where it showed.

How was I supposed to know what a good man looked like?

That was for @Cuppasoupmonster

I was brought up in a very religious home where you got married if you were pregnant.

If I hadn't have got married I'd have likely been sent to the laundries. I was threatened with that.

So tell me again. What was I supposed to have done?

That poster was a teenager who fled a difficult home situation and was basically groomed by an abusive adult man. Life isn’t all that easy all the time. Sometimes I think people like to act like it is that easy because then they can feel superior. Like ‘my life is easier because I made better choices’ rather than ‘my life is better because I had better choices.’

Boys need good role models

Thank you @Kanaloa that's exactly what I am too inarticulate to say.

What happened to you was terrible. I’m not dismissing your experience at all but thank god most women in Ireland and the UK don’t have to make those decisions now.

I don't think you have to live with someone before you know what they're like.

Surely you don't go from first date to marriage/getting pregnant on the second.
There can be time inbetween, no rush.

@Crumpleton I was pregnant within 2/3 months.

And then we had to get married.

We were married by the time I was 5 months pregnant.

@Eyerollcentral absolutely.

But I don't think it's fair to tell me I should've lived with him or made better choices then.

The best thing I've done is equip my three children to see what an abusive relationship is and to make sure they stuck in at school and got educations so they had options I never had at their age

Yes some people don’t have a clue what it’s like for many people to survive. However it’s an equally incorrect assumption to believe that those of us from abusive households don’t also say I will never, ever end up in a marriage like that myself. Many of us have spent our lives trying to make sure we don’t. Not everyone succeeds or even succeeds all the time. I don’t think most of the posters on mumsnet talking about lazy husbands are necessarily from abusive backgrounds though. Some people with good choices still make bad ones.

I was not talking about women in controlling abusive relationships, that's horrible and I'm so sorry for women who have endured that.

I didn't make sure I wasn't in an abusive relationship the first time. But I damn sure made sure I was never in another one.

And by doing that you’ve given them the most amazing gift a parent can give a child.

You won't know from the outside looking in to a relationship though.

I think the question is not so much why women have multiple babies with useless husbands. But more, why having discovered after baby 1 that they did 99% of the work and their husband wanted a medal every time he held the baby for 5 minutes, they expected him to morph into model husband for baby 2.

Fair enough to choose to have a second baby if you really want one. But go into it with your eyes open.

Personally I agree with you OP. I've never been set on having a certain number of dc and I would have stopped at one if DH wasn't hands-on (either through laziness or even if he was hard working but away with work all the time). I just wouldn't have the patience to manage with more than one dc on my own (I had to do bedtime for both my 2 dc the other day when DH was at a rare meeting, and it sent my stress levels sky high - usually DH does bath and bed for eldest while I do the youngest). DH also does breakfast and the school run for eldest before work while I'm still in my PJs at home with the baby.

Obviously other people make decisions to suit them - I would say that I certainly haven't found parenting as miserable as I've read elsewhere on this site and I think it's because I do have the support to be able to enjoy it.

Well I wasn’t to know about that sad but unlikely story was I?

In the "Why are men so terrible discussions" for some reason we never explore the fact that they are also raised by women I.e. their mothers.

@Cuppasoupmonster I'd already said it on the thread.

Thanks for this maybe I'm selfish, I just knew I couldn't be the best mother if I had one more than DC and it wasn't 50/50. I have no interest in a blended family which will add more complications. Luckily my DD has a cousin who lives locally she is also an only child and there's 10 months between them so there's still plenty of laughter shared holidays and sleepovers.

That’s the thing though people have different levels of patience and some women have a higher capacity for motherhood and are just simply better at it. My friend has 5 and her and her husband have made it look like a breeze. They’re all well adjusted, happy, sporty and doing well academically. She still manages to work, go to the gym, have great holidays and look beautiful with it. I mean I would love to hate her but she’s also an incredibly lovely lady 😂. I certainly couldn’t have handled 5 and if that was the case I would be displaying bianca Mitchell vibes but hey Ho.

Firstly I think the OP is referring to the threads where the poster is bemoaning the fact that her DH/DP is useless but she's been landed with all the child related stuff again for DC number 2/3/4. If she has made the choice that she wants more than one DC then she has to own it. But many of those OPs put all the blame on the man, and so do most replies.

Secondly, on those threads where someone does ask the question why she's had more than one DC/why she's pregnant again with the man, they will be told how useless a question that is, why kick the OP when she's down, that it's a stupid and unhelpful question.

But if it's the case as suggested many times in this thread, it's because she wanted to then surely she knew what was going to happen?

[Note, I am not including those women in abusive relationships where they are effectively forced into becoming pregnant. But the threads the OP of this one is referring to is where they are useless, not abusive.]

I don't know why they have the first TBH, or why they run around doing all the housework when they are child free and first living together. The sexist nesting bullshit I guess.

If you start your relationship picking up after him and doing all the housework when you both have jobs you are making a rod for your own back.

Never live with a man who can't do his own housework and never do more than 50/50 while you both work.

Don't fall into pink and blue jobs, share the jobs according to what suits you and how long it takes not according to sexist stereotypes

That was your choice. Some mums use mumsnet as an outlet for their frustration - much like you are doing. Maybe their partner or husband is lazy but they want more than one child and cannot financially afford to live and care for the children themselves without being on benefits. Maybe they are older and know that by the time they leave their spouse and meet someone else it might be too late and they’ll always wonder if they made the right decision. This world is not an easy one to navigate for women unless they are a high earner and that is why these women stay with their partners as the other choice is pretty shit. Unless you are actually in an abusive relationship then the risk for you and your children leaving is far greater.

Maybe it’s all the ones w lazy husbands rearing them lol. In fairness my mother as a woman of her time just had it drummed in her to men are better. She pushed us all, perhaps the girls more, but she also expected my sister and I to be able to run a house too from a very young age and she does favour every single child w a penis over both my sister and I. In fact despite this all my brothers are pretty decent humans and are very hands on fathers. None of them expect to be waited on. We had a really terrible father. But then no one had to tell us he was terrible, we knew it. I think rather than blaming women for useless men we should look at what their fathers showed them on how to be an adult man with a family.