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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why keep reproducing with lazy DHs?

207 replies

Fifi00 · 08/02/2023 19:59

I've seen this a few times , wife complains DH is lazy and does nothing with the first DC then proceeds to get pregnant again and sometimes again. Adding more stress and pressure , why would someone have more DC with a lazy father? He isn't going to suddenly get a personality transplant.

OP posts:
MissWings · 08/02/2023 21:24

Because some women want two children by the same father. In that respect it can be worthwhile. No point in having two half siblings if you can avoid it. I do agree with though with multiple siblings.

HamBone · 08/02/2023 21:26

Well, one of my SIL decided not to have ANY children, even though her DH said he wanted them, because she realized that “she’d end up doing all the work.” Those are the words she used and I presume that her DH decided that he didn’t want children that much, because they’re still happily married.

He’s nice enough, but I understand what she means, he’s always seemed like a self-absorbed person, totally focused on what he wants to do.
Luckily her brother ( my DH) is a very different sort of person. I’m currently away for work and he’s holding the fort with our teenagers. 🤣

AlongCameBetsy · 08/02/2023 21:27

I was a brainwashed idiot. Is that what you want to hear?

Twilightstarbright · 08/02/2023 21:29

@Fifi00 I agree with you. SIL is married to a useless specimen. She didn’t know before they had their first DD but she actively chose to have three more with him, knowing he was useless and has never done a feed or changed a nappy. My sympathy has largely run out. All the babies were actively planned.

If you have three DC with someone and they do nothing, they aren’t going to have a personality transplant for DC4.

I look after their kids more than their Dad!

Ohhhhhlalala · 08/02/2023 21:29

Because there desire to have another baby is so so strong and they don’t want to risk no more babies . So they have another one . No lazy husband is going to stop them fulfilling their desire of more children .

Deathbyfluffy · 08/02/2023 21:30

BiasedBinding · 08/02/2023 20:06

Maybe because actually the number of men who aren’t lazy about it is vanishingly small.

also women don’t tend to leave when the children are tiny. The marriages more often break up once the children are older and the woman can actually take a breath

More of the usual MN ‘anti man’ nonsense.
This isn’t true with the families I’m friends with - the dads all do their bit.

If your experience differs then fair enough, but don’t tar us all with your jaded pessimistic brush thank you 😁

DarkShade · 08/02/2023 21:33

BigFatLiar · 08/02/2023 21:10

That doesn't mean you can't still complain. Women aren't responsible for the bad choices and character traits of men.

But they are responsible for their own bad choices. Lots of men are good dads and actually enjoy family life.

I mean sure, but a lot of people think they've married someone like that, and get a nasty shock with their first child. Then what do you do? You could decide to stop at one child. But if you really want two and you're already doing all the work, I can completely understand why you just carry on with the second.
You could also leave and hope to meet someone else, but that's a huge gamble and the new dad might well be lazy also, and anyway, who has time to date as a newly separated mum to a small child. If you want a sibling for your first child you might not want a massive gap.

If the marriage is otherwise happy and he supports the family in other ways, then it makes perfect sense to have a second child with a lazy man. Otherwise you're still parenting with a lazy man, but you've also sacrificed the second child you really wanted.

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/02/2023 21:36

Fifi00 · 08/02/2023 19:59

I've seen this a few times , wife complains DH is lazy and does nothing with the first DC then proceeds to get pregnant again and sometimes again. Adding more stress and pressure , why would someone have more DC with a lazy father? He isn't going to suddenly get a personality transplant.

Often people exaggerate the severity of their b circumstances to posit themselves as a victim. Partly reinforce their position, or reassure their egos.

Most people's real life isn't as bad as they anonymously like to make it out to be.

RobertaFirmino · 08/02/2023 21:36

Not sure why OP is getting slated here - is there really a problem with trying to understand other people's life choices? It beats dismissing women who keep reproducing with lazy husbands as stupid, surely?

dittoglass · 08/02/2023 21:38

I was stupid.

And in bad circumstances.

And I made the best choices I could at the time. And my kids are great.

I don't think it's helpful to judge and try to make people beat themselves up for decisions they can't change now anyway.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 21:39

DarkShade · 08/02/2023 21:33

I mean sure, but a lot of people think they've married someone like that, and get a nasty shock with their first child. Then what do you do? You could decide to stop at one child. But if you really want two and you're already doing all the work, I can completely understand why you just carry on with the second.
You could also leave and hope to meet someone else, but that's a huge gamble and the new dad might well be lazy also, and anyway, who has time to date as a newly separated mum to a small child. If you want a sibling for your first child you might not want a massive gap.

If the marriage is otherwise happy and he supports the family in other ways, then it makes perfect sense to have a second child with a lazy man. Otherwise you're still parenting with a lazy man, but you've also sacrificed the second child you really wanted.

Show quote history

Thing is genuinely I am yet to meet any of these fabled great guys who down tools as soon as the first child is born. It’s usually but not always pretty obvious during the relationship or before the wedding who is a selfish, lazy, disinterested guy and who isn’t. People can procreate with whomever they like. But I have a lot more respect for those who say tbh I panicked and was 35, I just love babies and knew he could give me them or even I totally ignored all the glaring red flags because I just wanted to get married and have a family (heard all of these in real life) rather than complaining on here claiming he was amazing before the baby was born

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 08/02/2023 21:41

Probably because they want more babies, and by the time they leave, find someone else (not always guaranteed), the age gap will be massive and dynamics will change massively. They already have a child and lazy arse DH, they may as well have 2 kids and a lazy arse DH.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 21:43

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/02/2023 21:36

Often people exaggerate the severity of their b circumstances to posit themselves as a victim. Partly reinforce their position, or reassure their egos.

Most people's real life isn't as bad as they anonymously like to make it out to be.

Show quote history

Yes I think there is a lot of this on here. I have dealt with a lot of unpleasant people but the descriptions on here, you’d think 80% of society were psychopaths.

dittoglass · 08/02/2023 21:44

My ex never did anything in the house but that's what I was brought up with. Women stayed at home and kept the house and men went to work

Changechangechanging · 08/02/2023 21:45

women have agency and sometimes continue to make what outwardly seems like poor choices again and again, blaming ‘men’ rather than their own inability to put their foot down and make strong decision

because for most people love isn’t as black and white as you are pretending it it?

and if it’s not ‘men’ to (not actual men?) blame for their behaviour, then who? You are surely not suggesting that women are responsible for the behaviour of the men they are in long term relationships with?

Kanaloa · 08/02/2023 21:46

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 21:43

Yes I think there is a lot of this on here. I have dealt with a lot of unpleasant people but the descriptions on here, you’d think 80% of society were psychopaths.

Show quote history

To be fair people aren’t going to post ‘my mil is a bit annoying but basically ok’ or ‘my DH sometimes doesn’t rinse the glasses but he is acceptable in all other ways.’ They’ll only post if they have a big issue they can’t bring up to others in real life.

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/02/2023 21:46

Changechangechanging · 08/02/2023 21:45

women have agency and sometimes continue to make what outwardly seems like poor choices again and again, blaming ‘men’ rather than their own inability to put their foot down and make strong decision

because for most people love isn’t as black and white as you are pretending it it?

and if it’s not ‘men’ to (not actual men?) blame for their behaviour, then who? You are surely not suggesting that women are responsible for the behaviour of the men they are in long term relationships with?

Would I be to blame if I left my door unlocked and wide open and got burgled? No, but locking the door is just common sense isn’t it?

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 21:50

Kanaloa · 08/02/2023 21:46

To be fair people aren’t going to post ‘my mil is a bit annoying but basically ok’ or ‘my DH sometimes doesn’t rinse the glasses but he is acceptable in all other ways.’ They’ll only post if they have a big issue they can’t bring up to others in real life.

Show quote history

Oh totally but the behaviour described and the motives ascribed to it are often extreme. I do think some people post in such a way as to try and be the most victimised person ever and their mother/husband/best friend is the most unreasonable person to ever walk the planet.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 21:54

Changechangechanging · 08/02/2023 21:45

women have agency and sometimes continue to make what outwardly seems like poor choices again and again, blaming ‘men’ rather than their own inability to put their foot down and make strong decision

because for most people love isn’t as black and white as you are pretending it it?

and if it’s not ‘men’ to (not actual men?) blame for their behaviour, then who? You are surely not suggesting that women are responsible for the behaviour of the men they are in long term relationships with?

No, but they are responsible for their own choices. You can’t always know someone is an arse, but you often can. Saying but I was in love with him isn't a get out of jail card. The question should be yes I love him but does he treat me like I want to be treated and will he be a good father?

BigFatLiar · 08/02/2023 21:56

and if it’s not ‘men’ to (not actual men?) blame for their behaviour, then who? You are surely not suggesting that women are responsible for the behaviour of the men they are in long term relationships with?

You don't marry/start a relationship with 'men' you do it with a man and its down to you to choose someone with the behaviour that you want. If he's not the sort of person you want to spend your life with don't get too involved just move on and find someone else. They're not all dead beats almost all the men I know are decent people (though one is a little houseproud).

Crumpleton · 08/02/2023 21:57

Where are these lazy men coming from.
Who are bringing these men up to be so lazy.
It starts at a young age, so hopefully going by MN if DS's are bought up to help out from a young age lazy men will become thin on the ground in future generations.

dittoglass · 08/02/2023 21:58

BigFatLiar · 08/02/2023 21:56

and if it’s not ‘men’ to (not actual men?) blame for their behaviour, then who? You are surely not suggesting that women are responsible for the behaviour of the men they are in long term relationships with?

You don't marry/start a relationship with 'men' you do it with a man and its down to you to choose someone with the behaviour that you want. If he's not the sort of person you want to spend your life with don't get too involved just move on and find someone else. They're not all dead beats almost all the men I know are decent people (though one is a little houseproud).

Serious question. How was I supposed to know what a decent man looked like?

We didn't live together before we were married and my birth family was abusive (my dad was an alcoholic or at best a barely functioning one and my mum never had a job out of the home and she was just so downtrodden)

WandaWonder · 08/02/2023 21:59

Changechangechanging · 08/02/2023 21:45

women have agency and sometimes continue to make what outwardly seems like poor choices again and again, blaming ‘men’ rather than their own inability to put their foot down and make strong decision

because for most people love isn’t as black and white as you are pretending it it?

and if it’s not ‘men’ to (not actual men?) blame for their behaviour, then who? You are surely not suggesting that women are responsible for the behaviour of the men they are in long term relationships with?

Men are to blame for how they act, but women do have brains and should be responsible for their own choices this nonsense of 'but I love him'

And both parents are equally responsible for behaviour they allow their children to put up with

If a woman has married a terrible husband/father he should be solely to blame for his behaviour but she is to blame for going along with it

But women are not saints either, are women really perfectly well behaved all the time?

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/02/2023 22:02

dittoglass · 08/02/2023 21:58

Serious question. How was I supposed to know what a decent man looked like?

We didn't live together before we were married and my birth family was abusive (my dad was an alcoholic or at best a barely functioning one and my mum never had a job out of the home and she was just so downtrodden)

Show quote history

Probably by living together before you got married then. It’s ‘due diligence’ - not fail safe but will give you pretty good odds.

Jadviga · 08/02/2023 22:03

Hey OP,

I see your point, but personally I have always wanted 2-3 children, and I'd rather they all had the same father. So I'd probably have another. And then leave if I could afford it, but I imagine most can't.

Personally I chose to have my children as a single parent. Which means I get zero help but at least I don't have to put up with a useless husband creating more work for me, and I am free to do what I want and raise my children as I see fit. However I appreciate this can be a difficult choice to make for multiple reasons (cultural, financial, etc).