Why keep reproducing with lazy DHs?

[Fifi00]

I've seen this a few times , wife complains DH is lazy and does nothing with the first DC then proceeds to get pregnant again and sometimes again. Adding more stress and pressure , why would someone have more DC with a lazy father? He isn't going to suddenly get a personality transplant.

Going against the grain my DH was better with two as it was all too easy with one DC to say she always wanted me etc but with two I was like I’m doing something for the toddler, here’s the baby and vice versa.

Because an unfortunate percentage of women care more about having babies than the man who is going to be fathering them.

Presumably people weigh up that they would prefer a second DC and to have to do the bulk of the work than to have only one DC and still have to do the bulk of the work. Having two DC isn't massively more effort than having one, at least once they're all over 3 years old. You say 'reproducing' as if it's a chore, but many people love having more than one child and the second DC brings more joy to their lives than not, even accounting for the extra work.

That doesn't mean you can't still complain. Women aren't responsible for the bad choices and character traits of men. Just because a woman decides that if she's going to do all the school runs, meal prep, holiday booking, etc. she might as well have another much wanted child in her life to do those things for, doesn't mean that her useless DP is absolved of responsibility. I'm assuming that the DP also chose to have the second DC , so why is it just the woman's fault? Might as well ask "why keep reproducing if you're a lazy uninvolved parent?".

I’m always amazed at how high the failure rate of contraception is on this forum.

I am too but cynically I assume some of them actually weren’t taking it in the first place but don’t want to cop to that.

Amen. My exit plan took at least five years to come to fruition but was beautifully executed.

I wasn't allowed to go on the pill. He wouldn't use a condom. Eventually I snuck off with a baby in a buggy and got fitted for a coil and never told him. Got them to cut the threads really short and since he wasn't interested in anything other than getting me pregnant he never noticed.

Presumably it’s because they want another child and think ‘better the devil you know.’ I mean you chose not to, which was obviously the right choice for you. Everyone makes what they think is the right choice for their own self.

me too. Everyone I know who has had a contraception failure was using withdrawal or missed a pill/ignored d&v.

I’ve used condoms for 17 years. Two planned pregnancies in month 1 both times so fertility was fine. It’s disingenuous to say either of those is a contraception failure.

Why did you stay with him?

When you said ‘I want to get the pill’ and he said ‘no’ why did you stay?!

That doesn't mean you can't still complain. Women aren't responsible for the bad choices and character traits of men.

But they are responsible for their own bad choices. Lots of men are good dads and actually enjoy family life.

I had no way to leave. I had no money and nowhere to go.

My birth family was not supportive, I couldn't have gone back there.

I saved pennies - literally loose change - for years until I did leave.

@dittoglass

That’s really sad. I’m glad you’ve escaped him.

How was I going to get the pill when I had no way to get to the doctor unless he took me? How was I going to get the pill from the chemist? Where was I going to hide it?

Plus I was 16. I didn't know what a good relationship was or how to make good choices.

An abused woman will not necessarily have access to contraception

I didn't have access to contraception and I had no choices.

Put it down to Mother Nature. Her influence can be stronger than common sense. Also people always think things will improve, sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.

There’s a lot of this. If people feel I just really wanted to have another baby so I stuck w a lazy b who does nothing for me and kids, that’s totally fine, but own it. I wanted another child and staying with this guy was the price I was willing to pay. People make all kinds of compromises in life but like the OP it drives me mad when when women come on here saying I’ve four kids and he has done nothing, when he has never done anything but they wanted to have 4 kids. It’s not a great role model as a father but a lot of people don’t seem to consider that beyond I want another baby.

At 16. Ostracised from my family and shamed. With a baby. Pregnant again by the time that baby was 5 or 6 months old. With no money. No resources and no idea of what help was available.

Where the fuck was I supposed to go?

It was years ago now but where the fuck do you expect me to have gone? Where the fuck was I supposed to get support and help from?

Way to blame women for shitty men.

JFC.

For me it would be because I would like another baby myself and would like my little girl to have a full sibling closer in age than her 2 older half siblings. Regardless of anything DP does/ doesn't do.

I think you’re being exceptionally judgey

and I did stop at 1 because of a crap father though he was already trying to impregnate me again despite having no interest in the baby we had.

fortunately I was able to get out before he succeeded in either killing or impregnating me, didn’t seem to mind which by the end.

I think many are blinded by their biological desire for more babies and also stay with a mediocre partner for fear being judged for having babies by multiple fathers

It's not so.much the why have babies but why did you get together in the first place.

Not everyone has great role models. When you've grown up in a similar situation it's easy to think it's normal and that everyone else is in the same situation too.

And then after a while, you start to wonder why you can't cope with life like that when everyone else can, so you post and suddenly you realise that most people DON'T live like that.

I am someone who only had one child with a terrible man, but I can see why it happens that people have more.

On here, women with children are often told that their kids will grow up to think that's a normal relationship. Well that's exactly it. Some of us did and it takes either luck or a huge effort not to repeat the mistakes of previous generations.

I was 15 and a victim of abuse on the home. He was 23 or 24 when we got together.

*in the home