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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why keep reproducing with lazy DHs?

207 replies

Fifi00 · 08/02/2023 19:59

I've seen this a few times , wife complains DH is lazy and does nothing with the first DC then proceeds to get pregnant again and sometimes again. Adding more stress and pressure , why would someone have more DC with a lazy father? He isn't going to suddenly get a personality transplant.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 09/02/2023 07:02

@Armless32 why should women be happy with men that do less, and why are we bringing up children letting them know that this is okay

Armless32 · 09/02/2023 07:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MangoBiscuit · 09/02/2023 07:14

Before we had kids, less housework to do, so him being lazy wasn't at all apparent. We agreed before having children that I would drop to part time to keep childcare fees down, and get the majority of the housework done. He would focus on building his career. Then when the eldest was in school, we would shift to me building my career, and him stepping up to do 50% of everything.

When we had DD1, he did less than me, but I expected that. We had a few discussions when I felt things were slipping and her was being unfair. He would make an effort for while. Often the slow slip back wasn't noticable for ages. Then we had DD2, and he gave up any pretence of sharing the load. She was a harder baby in some ways, with colic and reflux. While he would still change nappies and do one night of night wakings, he dropped just about everything else. Had he acted that way BEFORE I was pregnant, I doubt I would have gotten pregnant, as I wouldn't have wanted to touch him with a barge pole.

Plenty of men won't show their true colours until their partner is effectively trapped.

Changechangechanging · 09/02/2023 07:25

Do women not have choices and access to contraception in 2023?

access, sure. Not everyone has control over that access. Access and control are very different issues.

LeilaGetTheHose · 09/02/2023 07:29

Workheadache · 08/02/2023 20:07

YANBU but some of the women on here refuse to accept responsibility in these situations.

Exactly! Own up to shitty life decisions.

Changechangechanging · 09/02/2023 07:31

children don’t need a sibling. What about having a decent father, isn’t that important?

no, I am an only child (although that wasn’t my parent’s choice) and I grew up quite happily without a sibling. I certainly benefitted financially.

However, as I am now much older and wiser and have lost my parents, after long illnesses for both, having to make decisions about my life that took their needs into account and having to make decisions about putting them in care homes, I can honestly say that I never felt so empty and alone as I did in those moments. I know having a sibling is no gaurentee of anything but I have no one at all who shares my youth, my family memories or anything else. Just me. I would never have deliberately left my eldest an only child as a result.

Original poster
Fifi00 · 09/02/2023 07:36

Changechangechanging · 09/02/2023 07:31

children don’t need a sibling. What about having a decent father, isn’t that important?

no, I am an only child (although that wasn’t my parent’s choice) and I grew up quite happily without a sibling. I certainly benefitted financially.

However, as I am now much older and wiser and have lost my parents, after long illnesses for both, having to make decisions about my life that took their needs into account and having to make decisions about putting them in care homes, I can honestly say that I never felt so empty and alone as I did in those moments. I know having a sibling is no gaurentee of anything but I have no one at all who shares my youth, my family memories or anything else. Just me. I would never have deliberately left my eldest an only child as a result.

I have siblings it's just me whose taking on the burden of my DMs care needs my siblings aren't bothered I do it . Generally one child takes over the load Siblings aren't a guarantee of anything one travels and I haven't seen them face to face for 5 years!!! We don't talk much either..

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 09/02/2023 07:42

@Fifi00 my DB wasn’t anywhere to be seen when my DF had cancer. Hasn’t been there to help DM since DF died. On the other hand DH has been a rock supporting me and her. A great role model for our DS

Gawpygertie · 09/02/2023 07:43

Ime of family and friends it's more likely to be women who decide to have a second dc.
They also initially and obviously do most of the childcare in the first 6 months.
It's too easy for women to accidentally become the default carer in the relationship.
Men really need teaching from teens about childcare and relationships.
And women have to trust their partners to care for their own dc.

RampantIvy · 09/02/2023 08:01

Firstly I think the OP is referring to the threads where the poster is bemoaning the fact that her DH/DP is useless but she's been landed with all the child related stuff again for DC number 2/3/4. If she has made the choice that she wants more than one DC then she has to own it. But many of those OPs put all the blame on the man, and so do most replies.

That is exactly how I read the OP as well.

I’m not sure why there are so many defensive answers on here. The OP isn’t talking about situations where circumstances have changed or are beyond their control (an abusive relationship for example) or has had an unplanned baby, but situations where the woman has just not thought the whole thing through. Just claiming that they are “victims of their hormones” when it comes to irresponsible decisions about having children is a poor excuse.

In the "Why are men so terrible discussions" for some reason we never explore the fact that they are also raised by women I.e. their mothers.

I agree, but we shouldn’t be placing the blame just on their mothers. It should be their parents. I see this all the time on higher education forums – “my son is going to university (it is usually the son), and he doesn’t know how to cook”. Well, bloody well teach them then. It is our job as parents to bring our DC up to be fully functioning adults capable of looking after themselves, and hopefully, considerate, respectful, thoughtful human beings.

Naunet · 09/02/2023 08:14

toomuchlaundry · 08/02/2023 22:06

Boys need good role models

I think you’ll find girls do too.
Both sexes learn from the adults around them as to what a relationship looks like.

Naunet · 09/02/2023 08:21

Enko · 08/02/2023 23:03

It's also. Socially constructed. The appalingly low rate of paternity pay in the UK means dad's are programmed into thinking that the baby part and child part is 'not their job" if you look at Scandinavian countries where paternity pay and leave is much higher and near that of mum you see A different much more involved father.

Now I'm not suggesting this is the only reason much more pays in. But the way we are set up we are still teaching everyone that baby and child work is woman's work.

When I go to Denmark and visit cousins and cousins children (I am one of 18 cousins there is 20 years between oldest and youngest) the manner the fathers are Involved its soo different to the UK and a huge part of this is that it is assumed dad will parent and will be an active parent. Here it's assumed he will "help".. not parent.

So we start off wrong.

It’s the same as maternity pay. Funny how it’s only too low when it’s for men though.

RampantIvy · 09/02/2023 08:26

Both sexes learn from the adults around them as to what a relationship looks like.

I agree, which is why staying in an abusive relationship just "to give the children two parents" is not always the best idea. I realise that it is usually due to lack of finances that couples stay trapped with each other though.

Naunet · 09/02/2023 08:31

RampantIvy · 09/02/2023 08:26

Both sexes learn from the adults around them as to what a relationship looks like.

I agree, which is why staying in an abusive relationship just "to give the children two parents" is not always the best idea. I realise that it is usually due to lack of finances that couples stay trapped with each other though.

Absolutely

DarkShade · 09/02/2023 08:38

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 21:39

Thing is genuinely I am yet to meet any of these fabled great guys who down tools as soon as the first child is born. It’s usually but not always pretty obvious during the relationship or before the wedding who is a selfish, lazy, disinterested guy and who isn’t. People can procreate with whomever they like. But I have a lot more respect for those who say tbh I panicked and was 35, I just love babies and knew he could give me them or even I totally ignored all the glaring red flags because I just wanted to get married and have a family (heard all of these in real life) rather than complaining on here claiming he was amazing before the baby was born

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I guess perhaps it's not always obvious before they were born. I don't know, not quite so extreme, but this happened to me I think. We'd planned 50/50 childcare, he always had done the bulk of the housework and cooking, spouted correct feminist principles. But baby was born and that's it, it all fell to me. Suddenly he was full of big ideas about women's jobs and babies needing mums, modern capitalism forcing women to work has ruined the family, why can't I just be like all the other normal women. He's a bit better now child is older. Looking back there were small signs, but I don't think that it was easy to predict that he would be like he was. Being charitable, we got together young and I think both failed to realise how what we wanted from a partner would change as we got older and started a family. He realised too late that whereas I'm fine as a girlfriend, he wanted a much more homely, practical, organised mum type for a wife. I realised too late that whereas he is fine as a boyfriend, I should have chosen someone more calm, level headed and hard working as the father of my children. All of this to say, fabled men who are amazing until baby is born probably are rare, but I'm willing to wager that my situation is far more common.

As it turned out, his shit attitude towards me has been enough for me to say no to the second child I wanted. But had it just been the laziness I probably would have just gone for the second one anyway.

feddupppp · 09/02/2023 08:42

toomuchlaundry · 09/02/2023 07:00

@feddupppp children don’t need a sibling. What about having a decent father, isn’t that important?

He's not a bad father.

Naunet · 09/02/2023 08:52

feddupppp · 09/02/2023 08:42

He's not a bad father.

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I’m always curious when people say this - if you did the same level of parenting as he did, would your child still be alive? Would they be fed, clean etc?
Often it seems like good father = he plays with them a bit sometimes and is nice to them.

RampantIvy · 09/02/2023 08:54

Good points @Naunet
I think some people's idea of a good father is that he isn't abusive.

LayliP · 09/02/2023 08:58

Honestly?

I don't want children from multiple fathers
So I'll get the children I want from my husband. If we divorce. I'll have no more and be satisfied

RampantIvy · 09/02/2023 09:15

But why do women think that having children, even from useless sperm donors, is the only worthwhile thing in life, especially if it comes at such a high cost (abusive relationship/useless partner)?

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/02/2023 09:16

RampantIvy · 09/02/2023 09:15

But why do women think that having children, even from useless sperm donors, is the only worthwhile thing in life, especially if it comes at such a high cost (abusive relationship/useless partner)?

Well, what do you consider a worthwhile life? And why do you have such problems understanding other people may feel differently?

ScarlettSunset · 09/02/2023 09:17

RampantIvy · 09/02/2023 09:15

But why do women think that having children, even from useless sperm donors, is the only worthwhile thing in life, especially if it comes at such a high cost (abusive relationship/useless partner)?

Some of us were taught from a very young age that was our 'purpose' in life.

Whenharrymetsmelly · 09/02/2023 10:06

RampantIvy · 09/02/2023 09:15

But why do women think that having children, even from useless sperm donors, is the only worthwhile thing in life, especially if it comes at such a high cost (abusive relationship/useless partner)?

This is literally what women are surrounded by constantly ... to be a wife and mother. It is messed up, but it is true ... why other reason is there? It's deep in our psyche

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/02/2023 10:08

Whenharrymetsmelly · 09/02/2023 10:06

This is literally what women are surrounded by constantly ... to be a wife and mother. It is messed up, but it is true ... why other reason is there? It's deep in our psyche

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Because some women don’t want to focus their life around material things or holidays/travelling? Some women, a lot of women, actively want to have a child? Hardly surprising it’s ingrained in us, it seems to be ingrained in every other species on the planet.

Whenharrymetsmelly · 09/02/2023 10:16

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/02/2023 10:08

Because some women don’t want to focus their life around material things or holidays/travelling? Some women, a lot of women, actively want to have a child? Hardly surprising it’s ingrained in us, it seems to be ingrained in every other species on the planet.

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In this context though it's not positive, though is it, especially for the child so that what the discussion is about Hmm
I think what you're thinking is biology which is about reproduction, again not a particularly positive thing either