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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be suspicious when dads of young children seem too "well"?

191 replies

UnderMilkyWood · 08/02/2023 16:36

Met up with an old (male) friend last night. He has 3 young kids now with his wife (whom I haven't met) - 4, 2 and 6 months. He just seemed... so well. Energetic, happy, and going from strength to strength at work (demanding job with lots of travelling). As well as being happy for him, I thought "hmm, I wonder how your wife is getting on".

OP posts:
UdoU · 08/02/2023 16:38

YANBU. Do they have a nanny?

Original poster
UnderMilkyWood · 08/02/2023 16:38

UdoU · 08/02/2023 16:38

YANBU. Do they have a nanny?

Nope

OP posts:
user1188 · 08/02/2023 16:39

It is possible for people to be happy op. The wife may be blissfully happy too. Who knows? You don't because you've never met her.

It's a sad to just assume she's struggling. She could be. Or equally she could have a good support system around her. Hopefully her marriage is a healthy one. Makes all the difference

EmmaEmerald · 08/02/2023 16:40

Suspicious of what?

your friend is doing well. That's nice.

I presume no one dumped three children on her and threatened to sell her secrets if she didn't take them.

UdoU · 08/02/2023 16:41

UnderMilkyWood · 08/02/2023 16:38

Nope

Show quote history

Then no wonder he is happy. Well rested from all those hotel nights whilst wifey looks after 3 under 4.

discobrain · 08/02/2023 16:42

wow. imagine being so opinionated about something that is clearly absolutely none of your business.

Man with children is happy. stop the press!

elizzza · 08/02/2023 16:42

YANBU. When parents (mums or dads) haven’t taken any sort of step back at work with multiple children I do always wonder if it’s the partner, the grandparents or a nanny filling the gaps. Did you ask how his wife is?

windyarse · 08/02/2023 16:42

Suspicious of what?

What is wrong with being well when you have young children?

Confused

Yfront · 08/02/2023 16:43

I think YABU as DH and I both loved the newborn stage and although a bit tired, we were both energised by our babies and absolutely loved life in the newborn bubble. We were both on a total high for the first 6 months or so each time.

When they get older it's a different story 😂

Weallgottachangesometime · 08/02/2023 16:43

Hmmm I’m not sure because ive met women who are sole carers for too but children who seem great. Like they take it all in their stride. I guess some people take to parenting young children easier than others.

or he’s doing fuck all and his wife an absolute mess of sleepiness and vomit.

who knows.

MaverickGooseGoose · 08/02/2023 16:44

You don't have to look like shit because you have kids, not sure what you're getting at?

Kangarude · 08/02/2023 16:44

Why would you think this? I know a couple who have 3 small children and they both look well and happy. Weird

Oopswediditagain2023 · 08/02/2023 16:44

I think it depends - my DP helps 50/50 with childcare (probably a bit more if I'm being completely honest but don't tell him that 😂) whilst also working full time and since having our kids it's like a new lease of life! He sees the importance in looking after his health more and is naturally more active having young kids to run around after. We also don't drink as much (if at all) since having kids which means we look healthier and have more energy, which is odd considering! We're also both thriving in our careers as we're more motivated due to more responsibility/wanting a better life for children. I see the same with most of my friends who have kids too - they drop all the "bad shit" that they just no longer have time for and prioritise their health and well-being for the sake of their young families.

However if he's like "oh I'm doing 2 hour bike rides every night after work and spend my weekends training for marathons" whilst his DP is sinking then that's obviously not right 🤣

StephanieSuperpowers · 08/02/2023 16:46

With three children at very demanding ages, you wouldn't expect him to be full of the joys if he was taking on his share of the parenting, I would imagine.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 08/02/2023 16:46

There’s something about this line of thinking that’s like… all mums are long-suffering martyrs who gladly ruin themselves and their lives for their children, whilst the dads selfishly crack on with their selfish wants, like working demanding jobs.

Presumably nobody forced his wife to have 3 kids with her away-a-lot husband. Still, let’s get the sainthood prepared just in case.

I’ve realised what it is: my mum used to talk like this, as if her kids had been foisted on her and everything was so exhausting and tedious and my dad got to escape it by doing 20 long haul flights per year with work. I hate mummy martyrism. Hate it.

user1188 · 08/02/2023 16:48

The thing is you could recognise the wife in Sainsbury’s tomorrow with the 3 dcs in tow in her joggers with un brushed her and you would be so quick to assume 'I knew she wasn't coping'

Yet maybe the youngest is teething and she's had a bad night so she's popping out to get calpol. If her DH works away then no doubt that's tough but he's going to have to provide when they have 3 small children and if he's got a good well paid secure job then what a bonus!

You cannot judge someone because they seem happy!

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 16:52

Yfront · 08/02/2023 16:43

I think YABU as DH and I both loved the newborn stage and although a bit tired, we were both energised by our babies and absolutely loved life in the newborn bubble. We were both on a total high for the first 6 months or so each time.

When they get older it's a different story 😂

Exactly. The newborn stage is by far the easiest. We were living our best lives. I’d say it’s only around now - my son turning 1 - that parenting has got challenging. Not every kid is a bad sleeper - both mine actually slept through by two months old.

Op sounds jealous.

Bbq1 · 08/02/2023 17:04

user1188 · 08/02/2023 16:39

It is possible for people to be happy op. The wife may be blissfully happy too. Who knows? You don't because you've never met her.

It's a sad to just assume she's struggling. She could be. Or equally she could have a good support system around her. Hopefully her marriage is a healthy one. Makes all the difference

This.

This couple presumably chose to have their children close together. Why would the wife be struggling? They probably are really happy. Not everyone chioses to have children then resent them immediately - which sadly seem to be very common on here.

CheeseFiend40 · 08/02/2023 17:16

Yeah I imagine his wife is not feeling quite as energetic! We have a 4, 2 and 11m old and both me and my DH are exhausted to say the least! 3 under 5 is a lot of work…
I would wager that with a demanding job that involves a lot of travelling, he is doing very little of the day to day childcare, so of course he feels full of life 😏

Dibbydoos · 08/02/2023 17:16

A parent with 4, 2 and 6 month old with a partner who's away/ has a demanding job will def take the strain of having a young family without tge partners support. It looks like he does help - you met him with the kids, but I'm with you OP, how is his partner coping. I would be run ragged. Obvs that doesn't then nean relationship probs, but it could do....

RandomUsernameHere · 08/02/2023 17:18

YABU. Would you feel the same if it was a woman? It's not a crime to be fit and energetic just because you have children!

Coffeellama · 08/02/2023 17:19

Suspicious about what?
Some people rely on their partners yes, some are naturally energetic, some are great at faking it when bumping into randomly suspicious ‘friends’, maybe he’s just happy and had just had the first good nights sleep in weeks?

Are you suspicious of women who are ‘well’?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 08/02/2023 17:21

Not everyone finds it hard. And people who do find it hard seem very aggrieved when others don’t.

verdantverdure · 08/02/2023 17:22

There are a couple of couples we see at school and even my husband notices that the husbands are bristling with happiness, energy and health and the wives look grey and faded like they hardly sleep or eat. When you speak to them it's all him.

Ponoka7 · 08/02/2023 17:27

A relative has just had her fifth baby, they are all under 10. Her DH works away and she is glowing. She loves being a Mum to young children. I didn't struggle with my two under 2 (and a older child) . I preferred it when my DH worked away. I now do childcare for my GC and babysit for other people. At one point I regularly looked after three under three and one under five at the same time. I went out with them etc. Not everyone finds young children difficult, not all children have sleep issues. I don't know how teachers enjoy the teen years though.