Page 7 | AIBU to be suspicious when dads of young children seem too "well"?

UnderMilkyWood · 2023-02-08T16:36:38+00:00

Met up with an old (male) friend last night. He has 3 young kids now with his wife (whom I haven't met) - 4, 2 and 6 months. He just seemed... so ^well. ^Energetic, happy, and going from strength to strength at work (demanding job with lots of travelling). As well as being happy for him, I thought "hmm, I wonder how your wife is getting on".

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 21:05

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 20:43

So odd that you can't see beyond your own life.

I’m being deliberately awkward to prove a point. The point being that you also cannot help but have your own experiences cloud your judgement. If you read back, you will see my original point was that we can’t assume anything about the situation based on the limited information we have.

PinkSyCo · 08/02/2023 21:06

I feel sorry for your enemies and/or people you don’t know very well if this is how you judge your friends OP. 🤦🏽‍♀️

SheldonsShoulder · 08/02/2023 21:10

This post reminds me of a guy I used to work with who had four children with his wife (who worked elsewhere in the same department).

We were talking about how tough it is raising kids while working, and him patronisingly saying women just like complaining and raising children is easy.

I remember wondering how involved he really was. Within two years his wife had dumped him because he was a total lazy bastard and left her to do everything. Men who work and travel a lot/spend a lot of time on hobbies, aren’t taking on their fair share/responsibility of child care.

Daddydog · 08/02/2023 21:49

I bet OP would say that about me! I get asked all the time why I'm so cheerful and it's becuase of my 2 beautiful girls, 5 months and 3 years! I run a business and it's interesting sitting on zoom calls with the baby on my lap! Apart from the shopping and cooking which I do all of, we split the rest down the line. However, I'm under no illusions it will ever be 50/50. The mental and physical strain on Mums Vs Dads is grossly unbalanced. I could do everything and it still won't ever be even. Not in a million years.

For example, when I'm out alone with my girls, doing the most basic stuff like trying to turn the weekly shop into an adventure to avoid meltdowns, becuase of my gender (and partly my ethnicity), the world heralds me as some sort of superhero! "Oh what an amazing dad!" (I'm not!). Went on holiday recently and everyone at the resort kept coming up to me saying "how amazing you are with your kids"... And when my wife does the exact same stuff she's just 'a mum' - doing what mums 'should' be doing. I guess the bar is set pretty low for blokes and that's very sad.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 22:03

‘Men who work and travel a lot/spend a lot of time on hobbies, aren’t taking on their fair share/responsibility of child care.’ This is utter bullshit @SheldonsShoulder I know many men who do just that, including my own brother who is extremely successful, lives thousands of miles from any family support for either him or his wife and still manages to be a hands on father who shares the load with my sister in law. My sister in law has boundaries, she does her share, she doesn’t martyr herself and I SO admire her for it. There are things she doesn’t do, ‘mental load’ things that aren’t her responsibility, she doesn’t do. Often my brother does drop the ball on them - birthday cards two months late! What neither drops the ball on is their children and their work. There is a lot of martyrism wasted on unimportant things by a lot of women and a lot of sweeping statements on this thread about men that just does not ring true to my experience of modern men from all classes.

Original poster

UnderMilkyWood · 09/02/2023 08:56

Hello! Wow - thanks for all the responses to the thread, the nice/understanding ones and the ones from people who are livid with me for my evil assumptions😂

I want to reply to things, but can't do it all.

Glad to hear lots of people "get it" - thank you 😘

Some general replies:

To all the people who say they are/were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with little kids, I say: you utter buggers. It's just rude to be that way😁. And yes, I was exhausted, emotional, on my knees and generally covered in puke, as were almost all the other parents I know (men and women), at that stage.

To the people saying I'm being a hypocrite for taking up an evening of his time: he lives in a different city now, and was visiting mine (where he used to live) for work, so we met up for dinner (with another friend, too).

To the people saying I'm being a mean friend: haha, maybe. OBVIOUSLY I'm very happy for my mate. I'm just also suspicious that someone else is doing his due suffering, and that either it's his wife or he has a Dorian Gray-like "parenting photo" in his attic, of him with bags under his eyes, sick on his shoulder, an expression of pleading/mild frustration and congealed rice cakes in all his pockets.

OP posts:

Eleganz · 09/02/2023 09:01

I think it is really rather pointless to speculate. It just sits in your mind and concretes itself into what you think is the truth. I'm sure your friend would be delighted to think that the take away from your time socialising together was that he was a lazy and useless father.

Johnnysgirl · 09/02/2023 09:02

Oh, stop it, op. You must realise other people have totally different experiences to yours.

Itisbetter · 09/02/2023 09:04

I wasn’t “suffering” when my children were little.

Dogcafedreamer · 09/02/2023 09:08

EthicalNonMahogany · 08/02/2023 18:00

I think it's not just the wellness, I'd expect a parent of toddlers to have a fairly in depth interested conversation about the toddlers, how they were doing, the challenges of food and sleep, and along the way be saying what was tiring and what was fun. I get the impression that OP met him and he talked about work and life just like someone would who didn't have small children.

And before everyone piles on and says "oh not everyone wants to discuss boring baby stuff when they go out, you know!" - give over. If someone has 3 under 5 it is, or should be, their MAIN leisure time activity and you'd expect their head to be in the ups and downs.

Like as if someone said work was going well but didn't seem to look professional or be able to discuss anything going on at work...you'd wonder if it was going that well.

Please don't ever arrange a night out with me, I'd be bored to tears!

Dogcafedreamer · 09/02/2023 09:08

UnderMilkyWood · 09/02/2023 08:56

Hello! Wow - thanks for all the responses to the thread, the nice/understanding ones and the ones from people who are livid with me for my evil assumptions😂

I want to reply to things, but can't do it all.

Glad to hear lots of people "get it" - thank you 😘

Some general replies:

To all the people who say they are/were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with little kids, I say: you utter buggers. It's just rude to be that way😁. And yes, I was exhausted, emotional, on my knees and generally covered in puke, as were almost all the other parents I know (men and women), at that stage.

To the people saying I'm being a hypocrite for taking up an evening of his time: he lives in a different city now, and was visiting mine (where he used to live) for work, so we met up for dinner (with another friend, too).

To the people saying I'm being a mean friend: haha, maybe. OBVIOUSLY I'm very happy for my mate. I'm just also suspicious that someone else is doing his due suffering, and that either it's his wife or he has a Dorian Gray-like "parenting photo" in his attic, of him with bags under his eyes, sick on his shoulder, an expression of pleading/mild frustration and congealed rice cakes in all his pockets.

Suffering?

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 09:14

He was in your city for work so knew he'd have a good nights sleep ahead. I'd be super chilled too.

user1188 · 09/02/2023 09:17

UnderMilkyWood · 09/02/2023 08:56

Hello! Wow - thanks for all the responses to the thread, the nice/understanding ones and the ones from people who are livid with me for my evil assumptions😂

I want to reply to things, but can't do it all.

Glad to hear lots of people "get it" - thank you 😘

Some general replies:

To all the people who say they are/were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with little kids, I say: you utter buggers. It's just rude to be that way😁. And yes, I was exhausted, emotional, on my knees and generally covered in puke, as were almost all the other parents I know (men and women), at that stage.

To the people saying I'm being a hypocrite for taking up an evening of his time: he lives in a different city now, and was visiting mine (where he used to live) for work, so we met up for dinner (with another friend, too).

To the people saying I'm being a mean friend: haha, maybe. OBVIOUSLY I'm very happy for my mate. I'm just also suspicious that someone else is doing his due suffering, and that either it's his wife or he has a Dorian Gray-like "parenting photo" in his attic, of him with bags under his eyes, sick on his shoulder, an expression of pleading/mild frustration and congealed rice cakes in all his pockets.

Urgh your update is even worse op. I can think of a fair few people I know that planned to have 3 kids close together. That's what they wanted and they've got on with it. Of course they have their bad times with the kids - who doesn't? I bet there isn't a parent on this planet that has gone every single day enjoying parenthood and all that comes with it. It's hard for everyone regardless but that doesn't mean everyone struggles in the way you imply.

You can struggle and still be blissfully happy and content with your life! You can be tired and look like you haven't slept in 6 months and still have a solid marriage and a supportive husband. It does actually happen to some people - unfortunately not often in the world of Mumsnet.

There are women out there that find motherhood just comes natural to them. There are women that don't and struggle.

While we feel for those women who find it hard, we really shouldn't take it away from those that don't.

Especially in your case when you haven't actually met this mother and your basing it all on the dad who seems in good spirits and is happy. To be honest, there's absolutely nothing to say dad isn't struggling either?

Devoutspoken · 09/02/2023 09:22

I would be wondering the same thing op

Original poster

UnderMilkyWood · 09/02/2023 09:25

Yeah, maybe - hopefully - it's all fabulous. Would be great if so.
Hard to put my finger on, but it was just a niggling feeling I got from him ¯\(ツ)/¯

OP posts:

Original poster

UnderMilkyWood · 09/02/2023 09:25

(that was meant to be a shrug emoji!)

OP posts:

Original poster

UnderMilkyWood · 09/02/2023 09:27

Devoutspoken · 09/02/2023 09:22

I would be wondering the same thing op

Thanks @Devoutspoken

OP posts:

butterfliedtwo · 09/02/2023 09:29

I'm sure your friend would be delighted to think that the take away from your time socialising together was that he was a lazy and useless father.

Yes, quite. You should let him know what you really think.

readingismycardio · 09/02/2023 09:32

My friend has three children and is a single mom. No family nearby either, and works full time. She's one of the happiest people I've ever met. Such positive vibes. For someone people is just the way the look at life. She'd have a million reasons to complain, but she never does.

Iwantabloodypizza · 09/02/2023 09:46

People always used to comment on how well ex h looked and how relaxed he looked.

They saw him on weekends.

He worked abroad monday to friday, leaving sunday night for years from when ds was three weeks old, by choice.

Couldn't do anything at the weekends for us as he had to be rested for his job.

Comedycook · 09/02/2023 09:51

readingismycardio · 09/02/2023 09:32

My friend has three children and is a single mom. No family nearby either, and works full time. She's one of the happiest people I've ever met. Such positive vibes. For someone people is just the way the look at life. She'd have a million reasons to complain, but she never does.

Still I bet she doesn't do triathlons? I bet she doesn't travel extensively with work? I bet she doesn't pursue her social life and hobbies with zero thought as to where her children will be at that time...like a lot of men do..

Dulra · 09/02/2023 09:58

You probably would have been suspicious of my husband so. He is an outwardly energegitc, gregarious, funny guy who just doesn't seem to let stress of home, kids, work etc get to him. He can have a crap day but when he's out meeting people has an ability to compartmentalise and really enjoy the moment with someone. I don't mean he is putting on a front just genuinely enjoys socialising and catching up with people.

pattihews · 09/02/2023 10:03

Does the wife have a night off a week to go and have a drink with old friends? I bet she doesn't. Of course he's looking well, OP. He's got a good career that gives him plenty of time away from childcare and he even gets evenings off to socialise.

Everanewbie · 09/02/2023 10:04

I see where you are coming from OP. I guess you're not unreasonable to have the thought and ask the question in your head, but you would be unreasonable to come to that conclusion without any other evidence.

We have these kind of judging thoughts all the time. Muscular man with a vest and tattoos, he probably beats his wife. Young man with a nice car, must be drug dealer. Occasionally you'll be right but you'd be wrong more often than not.

Comedycook · 09/02/2023 10:05

pattihews · 09/02/2023 10:03

Does the wife have a night off a week to go and have a drink with old friends? I bet she doesn't. Of course he's looking well, OP. He's got a good career that gives him plenty of time away from childcare and he even gets evenings off to socialise.

Even if she does get a night off in the week to socialise I bet my bottom dollar that she arranges it on a night that doesn't inconvenience her DH. I bet she preps dinner and sorts kids out before she goes. He, like a lot of men, probably just swans off without a thought knowing that she will pick up the slack.