Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be suspicious when dads of young children seem too "well"?

191 replies

UnderMilkyWood · 08/02/2023 16:36

Met up with an old (male) friend last night. He has 3 young kids now with his wife (whom I haven't met) - 4, 2 and 6 months. He just seemed... so well. Energetic, happy, and going from strength to strength at work (demanding job with lots of travelling). As well as being happy for him, I thought "hmm, I wonder how your wife is getting on".

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 08/02/2023 19:03

Sleepless1096 · 08/02/2023 18:53

I'm with you, OP. There's a couple of gentle not passive aggressive at all questions I like to ask in these situations.

"And how are you coping with having all three by yourself when (name) needs a break? It must be tough not having enough hands, right?"

"Is your wife managing to get any time away from the kids or is it still too early for that?"

Also the standard "She must be so pleased when you get back on Friday and there's someone around to share the load for a couple of days. It's pretty relentless, isn't it?"

I find the responses to these tend to tell you what you want to know.

I know a couple of women with children who travel a lot for a work, one is currently on three weeks in Florida - about the only place I'm jealous of rn.

it never occurs to me to wonder how their DHs are. I know one of them had some issues with so called friends commenting on how fast she went back to work after the births, but I guess some people have a hard time realising individuals are just that - individuals.

Frabbits · 08/02/2023 19:03

Christ, that's a twatty thing to think.

Some friend you are OP.

2023forme · 08/02/2023 19:03

I’m on the fence as obviously don’t know all the ins and outs but it does give me a Motherland vibe! Of course if you don’t watch it @UnderMilkyWood , you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about!

EmmaEmerald · 08/02/2023 19:05

Sorry, Sleepless I meant to quote ComedyCook not you.

GoodChat · 08/02/2023 19:09

OP hasn't said his wife's a SAHM. People are just making assumptions because he's a man with a good job.

OP knows very little about his wife, and she calls this man a friend but didn't manage a basic conversation about parenthood with him.

WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2023 19:12

It's projecting but I would definitely think this is a possibility. I remember my OH having a stint working away when ours were 3 and 1 and I honestly ended up hating him for having nights off in a hotel.

VyeBrator · 08/02/2023 19:12

Jesus, I can't imagine what your overactive opinionated mind would've thought about me OP.

My second and third babies were an absolute dream and I used to work and volunteer when they were little.

I expect you would've licked the end of your pencil and marked me down as 'Leaves it all to her husband' 🙄

MontyK · 08/02/2023 19:21

Who knows, the wife could be blissfully happy and taking it all in her stride and happy to facilitate her husbands demanding job with lots of lovely hotel stays

Or,

She could be a bedraggled mess who resents him and he's fucking clueless, or he knows and doesn't care.

Sleepless1096 · 08/02/2023 19:22

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 18:59

Do you really stick your beak into how other people arrange their lives like that?!
Millions of families have 3+ children and manage to deal with it perfectly satisfactorily without well meaning busybodies cross examining the father 😳
Not all mothers are put upon, downtrodden little damsels in distress chained to the kitchen sink.

Show quote history

These topics tend to come up in general conversation when you're discussing life, so I don't think asking these questions is particularly intrusive. And it's statistically shown that men don't pull their weight in family life... it's only by making this societally unacceptable that we will change this and make men step up.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 19:23

Walkthewalktalkthetalk · 08/02/2023 18:58

I would be suspicious of a woman who I’d never met, knew my DH was married, with such young children and worked away from home a lot but still took up a precious “free” night to meet up with him and then - when he had the nerve to say he was happy - made a load of judgements about how I was doing…

Mind you, I would also be suspicious if my DH had a “friend” I had never met, who he saw fit to waste an evening on in the circumstances.

Your “concern” for his wife comes off as pretty skin deep tbh. And your “friendship” seems quite tenuous as well.

When will people realise that if you’ve not met the wife/husband you’re less of a friend and more some kind of ego boost?!

Some very pertinent points!!!!

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 19:27

It's pretty standard. Women does the vast majority of childcare and household chores and takes on the mental load. Man pursues his career/social life/hobbies without being curtailed by his young family.

It's not uncommon

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/02/2023 19:29

Very very odd indeed that you have extrapolated one meeting with an old friend into Dads Of Young Children Taking The Piss Out Of Their Partners for everyone to pile in on.

No doubt it happens. But this was your one friend!?

When our first baby was born my dh was working varied shifts a long commute away. This was tough on us both for obvious reasons. He certainly wasn't coasting because no matter what time of day or night he came home he was needed! He didn't have any down time, just as I didn't. I'm sure there are many dads like this.

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 19:30

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 19:27

It's pretty standard. Women does the vast majority of childcare and household chores and takes on the mental load. Man pursues his career/social life/hobbies without being curtailed by his young family.

It's not uncommon

It’s perfectly okay for one parent to focus on bringing as much income into the family while the other focuses on maintaining the home. Regardless of what gender the partners are. It’s only an issue if both parents aren’t okay with the arrangement.

My partner and I have both been the SAHP and we both agree that the working parent doesn’t need to do much in the way of childcare (beyond the fun stuff!) or housework.

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 19:31

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 19:27

It's pretty standard. Women does the vast majority of childcare and household chores and takes on the mental load. Man pursues his career/social life/hobbies without being curtailed by his young family.

It's not uncommon

It's not universal either.

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 19:34

@Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris
That's irrelevant. But just because a woman is a sahm doesn't mean she isn't entitled to time off to pursue other interests.

Thighlengthboots · 08/02/2023 19:35

I dont understand why its mandatory to look like shit just because you have young kids- what an utterly bizarre assumption.

I had two kids under two at one point and I always showered, put makeup on and looked well put together. I am not implying by any means that everyone should do that- we are all different, but for me, it made me feel more "human" and boosted my own self esteem when at the time, my life was all about baby stuff. I had no family help whatsoever either. I didnt realise people actually expected me to look rough as a badger's crotch 😂

Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 19:37

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 19:34

@Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris
That's irrelevant. But just because a woman is a sahm doesn't mean she isn't entitled to time off to pursue other interests.

Why the assumption that she doesn't get equal time? Op doesn't know this couple particularly well, she saw him looking happy and relaxed and assumed their lives are actually a complete stress fest and she's carrying the burden alone.
Some people have clearly never had a decent relationship in their lives and their worldview is coloured accordingly.

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 19:37

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 19:34

@Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris
That's irrelevant. But just because a woman is a sahm doesn't mean she isn't entitled to time off to pursue other interests.

Where does it say she isn’t off pursuing other interests? Op has never even met the mother. For all she knows, mother could also be out with her friends. So because a man was out once on a single night enjoying himself, and also has a (presumably) well paying career, the mum must be:
a) a stay at home mum
b) resentful
c) never have any down time
d) never get any help from her husband?

MarieRoseMarie · 08/02/2023 19:38

Did he buy his wife on the black market?

presumably she has some choice in how many children they have.

the truth is that many women could have fewer kids and also have hobbies and jobs but they don’t want to and that is their right!

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 19:38

Thighlengthboots · 08/02/2023 19:35

I dont understand why its mandatory to look like shit just because you have young kids- what an utterly bizarre assumption.

I had two kids under two at one point and I always showered, put makeup on and looked well put together. I am not implying by any means that everyone should do that- we are all different, but for me, it made me feel more "human" and boosted my own self esteem when at the time, my life was all about baby stuff. I had no family help whatsoever either. I didnt realise people actually expected me to look rough as a badger's crotch 😂

I looked like badgers crotch before kids too 😂😂

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 19:39

But it's just so standard I don't even get why we're debating it. So many men continue with their lives (hobbies, social life and career) totally freely in a way mums just don't.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 19:39

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 19:34

@Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris
That's irrelevant. But just because a woman is a sahm doesn't mean she isn't entitled to time off to pursue other interests.

The only women I know who don’t have time to themselves are in terrible marriages with arsehole men. It’s very far from the norm.

Thighlengthboots · 08/02/2023 19:39

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 19:38

I looked like badgers crotch before kids too 😂😂

Show quote history

awww 😆I'm sure you did not!

Girlswithgoodbodieslikeboyswithferarris · 08/02/2023 19:40

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 19:39

But it's just so standard I don't even get why we're debating it. So many men continue with their lives (hobbies, social life and career) totally freely in a way mums just don't.

You sound bitter. Ditch the waste of space.

This does not happen in healthy, equal relationships.

WandaWonder · 08/02/2023 19:41

Someone seems ok there has to be something wrong

OK op I hate the expression but you must have issues if you genuinely think this